Workplace chuggers

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A nomination for workplace chuggers if you please. I’m sure you all know these cunts, especially prevalent in offices where they’ve got a captive audience; come round waving their twattish forms under your face, “would you sponsor me for charity?”

Nowadays it’s always got to be some shitwittedly “wacky” thing they’re doing as well – “I’m unicyling down the Bletchley flyover dressed as Captain Caveman while dangling two catering-size tins of baked beans from my pierced nipples”.

Here’s a newsflash – I don’t give a fuck that you’re doing this OF YOUR OWN ACCORD, nor a fuck about the lion-dodging jigaboos that have to walk thirty miles for their guinea-worm infected water (MOVE NEARER TO THE WATER HOLE YOU CUNTS!!). If I choose to give to charity (I don’t obviously) that’s my business, I don’t need your virtue-signalling, third-rate student union antics to guilt-trip me into it.

A guy from my office went to Botswana the other month to do “voluntary” work (no doubt spent most of his time nuts deep in the local tit-swinging coonery), and I shit you not his out-of-office email response was “sorry I can’t reply to emails, I am fundraising in Botswana”. Clap fucking clap; cunts the lot of yers.

Nominated by Cunting virgin

39 thoughts on “Workplace chuggers”

    • I thought this originated with some Ugandan princess Idi Amin accused of having sex with her white bodyguard at Heathrow airport.

  4. Your workmate would no doubt have attracted tha unwanted attention of the IT police if his out-of-office message had been “sorry, can’t reply to e-mails. I’m nuts deep in the local tit-swinging coonery”.
    Wouldn’t touch it with Salmond’s myself- it’d be like thumbing a soft one up Flabbott……..

  5. Does anybody want to sponsor me? I’m going on a pub crawl and trying to make twenty pubs in one day. Christmas Eve. All money donated goes to my boozing.

    🎅🏻 Come on, don’t be a Grinch.

  6. Charity begins at home. And since I have become self-employed I don’t have to suffer those “gimme gimme gimmee” fuckwits in the office with a form and pen clutched in their hands pleading for you to sponsor the cunts!

    And given the office politics these days, if you don’t sign up you’re talked about behind your back, generally as being a tight-fisted uncaring cunt!

    But not any more: although I wouldn’t mind sponsoring a chugger cunt to fly out to Syria and do a sponsored landmine search!

    • Self employment is a winner – but I really miss four hours a day on a filthy stinking overcrowded train, highlight of my day it was (anything is tolerable when you work for Capita!)

  7. I like the ones that use a website for anonymous donations.

    I always like to anonymously put in 2p.

      • Oh believe you me, their abject disappointment in “other people” for being so cruel/thoughtless to have done such a thing is very amusing.

        Hearing the cunt in question twist on endlessly about it is well worth the 2p.

  8. Don’t be surprised if Mr Ruff Puff asks us to sponsor him for a 24 hour sex session with Flabbott, Jess Phillips, Swinson and Sturgeon!

    I’ve got 6p and an old washer, if that will start the ball rolling!

  9. My boss ran the London marathon for a charity, unfortunately for him he was beaten across the line by a bloke in a wheelchair and he also did not hit the target donation required for his entry.

      • 😂 🤣👳‍♂️ 🧕🙄! 💣🏃🏼.

        I think I have the hang of them too!

        cough cough 🖕🏻

      • Not fair!

        As a techie I can strip and rebuild a HP Proliant DL380 Gen 10 Enterprise-class server, with new buses, memory, drives, processors, Northbridge, Southbridge chipset controllers, nics etc etc.

        But I am fucked if I can get an emoji to work on this site!

      • I am surprise your first paragraph didn’t go to moderation. It looked filthy and possibly libellous to me.

      • Well said TC!! I am currently (well, supposed to be) 3d-CAD modelling a bastard complex composite floor in a block of flats but can I fuck as like post a link to a website

      • I can revive ancient FORTRAN code to analyse text data multiple traits at three genetic levels from five populations simultaneously, all invoked by an 8 term command line; and interpret the results to provide another minor insight into the ways of evolution, but fricked if I can paste a link to a titty girl into WordPress

      • Again props for Ruffers: I can program PLCs, fix machine tooling, CAD solid modelling, work a navigational chart, not a problem but a poxy liddle emoji had me feckin’ stumped.

      • I invented penicillin and the varactor diode and I currently programme quantum computers to intercept alien spaceships.
        Tx, Lord Benny. This one’s for Fiddler…

        🦊

  10. Catherine Tate used to do a cracking piss take on these cunts. I think one was raising money for molested office girls – http://www.bummedby the boss.co.uk
    I would never have anything to do with the cunts. Birthday – fuck off. Baby – fuck off. Wedding – fuck off. Charidee – fuck right off.

  11. What boils my fucking piss are the ones who actually suggest an amount you should donate. Get fucked cunt. Only thing I donate for ever, I put a fiver in for a Poppy. Africa, Children in Need, Comic Relief can fuck right off, enough of my fucking minimum wage goes to those fuckers in foreign aid.

  12. The last chugger I encountered got a bit upset when I refused to donate on the grounds that most charities exist to funnel cash into the unworthy pockets of the middle class.
    Shame eh? 😆😆😆

  13. Botswana is the only country in Africa which does not need helping.
    It is well off, has a fairly benign government and rich Westerners, e.g. Sussexes, pay loads of money to go there. Your work-mate is a con- artist.

    • To be fair I was paraphrasing with Botswana, can’t remember the country; all I remember is showing everyone at work at the time the email and every single person commenting on what an utter, self-congratulating spunk-bubble the bloke is. Deleted it in disgust once we’d finished pissing ourselves. Con-artist, not sure; cunt – abso-fucking-lutely.

    • Wasn’t actually sure that would make it through the minefield of admin over that once I’d posted it 😃

  16. Years ago I collected 6 months of belly button fluff and put it in a jiffy bag for Oxfam marked Pakistan earthquake relief fund. I simply couldn’t give a flying cunt. If they weren’t sub-humans I might reconsider my niggardly ways.

  17. I remember a sketch on a Harry Enfield show fucking years ago with the old gits.

    It simply went.

    “Children in need?”

    “They can stay in fucking need”.

    Quite old cunts, quite.

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