The ‘Audible’ Ad

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The one where you HEAR Sue Perkins say ‘bum oil’.

Try to imagine cunters (audibly) listening to Sue Perkins reading a story in your ear. Intimately in your ear, that so pleased with itself voice coming through the earphones, down round your ear canals, through the eardrum, right into your brain. The Horror the Horror. Chinese water torture would be preferable.

There is a snippet of Stephen Fry as well. In that overly ‘posh’, over- preening enunciation he has developed. He should have been the one reading the ‘bum oil’ story methinks. Last but not least, David Tennant showcases his talents for a few seconds. And that’s enough. Scottish brogue I suppose.. no intelligence in it. (And nothing of interest in the books from from the brief passages). I really cannot think of a more excruciating way of getting to sleep. If I was given it for Christmas present I would have it on Alexa as the sound of the alarm. It would ensure that I got out of bed like lightning to shut it off for my most important appointments.

The soft tones of Martin Jarvis come to mind. Reading Agatha Christie. Now he has a reading voice I like.

Nominated by Miles Plastic

72 thoughts on “The ‘Audible’ Ad”

  1. I can’t imagine anything worse than picturing what Stephen Fry would get up to with a supply of “bum oil”. It would probably involve Adonis or Mandelson, or another of the Labourite fancy nancies who he doubtless admires.

  2. Unless someone is blind or stupid why does anyone still need stories fucking read to them?

    That’s why I learnt to read, so I could read things. Fucked if I need to know in the back of my mind that not only am I reducing my intelligence consuming the media in this fashion but also that someone like Cumberbatch is making a few quid reading it to me.

  3. Allegedly there is software available that allows the audio book enthusiast to appropriate Audible content for nowt.
    Disgraceful I know but some fucker invented it.
    Great cunting and wise words about some of the horrors that can come in your ears.
    Smarmy faggits.

  4. People such as Sue Perkins, Stephen Fry and other Luvvie plummy twats should be forced to listen to their own blatherings recorded and put on permanent repeat in the soothing tones of Gilbert Gottfried, with his own charming commentary alongside.

  6. I,of course,haven’t listened to a bedtime story since Nanny used to read to me in the nursery…Oh how we’d giggle as she customised the endings of classic tales to fit in with our preferences…Toad of Toad Hall braying Bratty with a shovel before shoving a pipe connected to his car-exhaust down Badger’s sett was a particular favourite. “The Jungle Book” was another favourite…a little soap-dodger child is abandoned in the jungle before being eaten by a lion..happy enough alternate ending but vastly improved by Nanny’s additional chapters chronicling the Mighty White Hunter’s subsequent slaughter of the animals involved.Armed only with a massive rifle,good old British pluck and supported by 50 jibber-jabbering Dark-key bearers, various lions,tigers,bears,gorillas and elephants were blasted to the point of extinction….all concluding with our hero Colonel F.-F. selling the land for illegal logging.

    Happy Days and Fuck Off.

    • I must apologise Mr Fiddler in formal capacity. I was posting on the ‘Champagne Socialist’ thread when Animal Farm came into my head. And speculated how you would feel if all your livestock started to rebel. As I say it just came into my head. But now I am deeply worried that it might be in HIS head. Yes the ‘Particular Poster’ with his Mensa caliber brain (all that cunning) I bet he set off straight away incognito (dark glasses on, false moustache) and is up there now sowing the seeds of rebellion-whispering in the horses ears- ‘INSURRECTION!, the pigs ears- ‘he’s just using you to bring home the bacon’, the sheep- ‘don’t just just follow, take the lead’. We know he’s such a zealout for animal rights I wouldn’t put it past him to exploit the little ickle bunny rabbits as lookouts. I’ve let the cat out of the bag I’m afraid Mr Fiddler (or the kittens out of the bag to be drowned) yes he will be use every emotional trick in the book to heighten the animals’s grievances yes leading them all in ‘Beasts of England’ of an evening. Are you hearing the faint sounds of singing from the haybarn Mr Fiddler? Are any of your animals starting to become a bit bolshy? Horses kicking you surreptitiously or the hounds snarling nastily? Oh Mr Fiddler what have I done! What have I done!

      • Evening, Miles.
        Your post had me worried,you could well be on to something. I,of course,took immediate action to sooth any disquiet… I did a Noah in reverse and shot two of every animal that crossed my path….bit unfortunate for the Guide Dogs For The Blind trainer who was out walking a couple of pups but you can’t be too careful.

      • Dolittle is the answer Mr F. Talk to your animals, get to know them, find out their back story. That’s the only way you’re going to counterbalace the evil urgings of the Particular Poster.

    • Caroline Langrishe reading the Kama Sutra; or more realistically, these days, The Tale of The Flopsy Bunnies, then I can imagine her putting me to bed, stroking me, fondling my long….furry ears…

      Have forgotton what the exact titles were, but had a set of three little books as a kid, a wily little Dark Quay fending off a polar bear on a boat, &c. Long since a victim of PC. Suspect the DQ is now Mayor of Londinistan.

  7. Bunch of thesbian, lesbian cunts, I cant imagine all pervayers of the finest bum oil…I can imagine steven fry fisting sue perkins while shouting take it like a man, oh my god im gonna have to remove my brain and flush it down the fucking toilet….

    • I cannot “unsee” that, Fugly and the horrific image is now indelibly etched in my end.

      The image of Fry, sweating and profusely pounding his giant fist in and out of bent-over Perkins’ distended and prolapsed ringpiece whilst punctuating his thrusts loudly with uttered nonsense such as “nyaa”, “tish and pish” and “tummy rubbish” is simply disturbing.

      • Good nomination Miles, ive not seen the ad and not quite sure what ‘audible’ is, spoken word books narrated by slebs?
        Thought youd like Stephen Frys posh voice?
        Does Jamie Oliver do one?
        Bet you can feel the spittle landing on your cheek as you nod off!
        I too like Agatha christie, as for it being narrated id pick Gazza.

      • Its the one with the orangutan with earphones on his head Miserable. They should be had up for cruelty to animals.

      • The Python song “Fish, bananas, old pyjamas, mutton, beef, and trout” sums up Perkins perfectly.

  8. I havent listened to a book-on-tape since I was five.

    Have they commissioned Bobcat Goldthwaite to read Ulysses?

      • Jeremy Corbyn reads “How Late It Was, How Late” while John McDonnell reads Orwell’s 1984 – O’Brien would never have sounded so realistic

    • Well it wouldnt be very quiet!jesus h christ you woulf go fucking deaf!within minutes a lovely charachter brian fucking louf thong

    • Donnie Trump reads “on the Road’..

      Like to hear Wuthering Heights by the Daleks.

      • David Lammy reads “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.”

        John Major reads “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

      • Morning Bertie.

        I’ll be following the vote with trepidation. As Sir Nigel says: “It’s the second worst deal in history.”

        But then… the CBI, the IMF, the World Bank, Sinn Fein /IRA, Sir Oliver Letwin, David Gauke and Winston Churchill’s grandson all want it – not to mention the EU who can barely contain their glee – so what would Sir Nigel know?

  12. That blonde lady whom used to read the news, Julia Somerville, she has a soothing voice. I wonder if she’d narrate a book.

  13. I reckon that Soup Erkins gets a gob full of bummoil after felching her “I’m so cool bisexual presenter of Naked Attraction and insist on calling vulvas vaginas” — girlfriend after she’s been bummed by one of the trannys on the above mentioned freak show.

  14. I do like nodding off listening to a story or drama on my thick phone but if I know who the narrator is, and they are a cunt, then I cannot listen to it.

    There was a 2hr reading of The Hound of the Baskervilles I was looking forward to on one of my many trips up and down what was once Britain, and as soon as “…read by Benedryl Cummerbund…” was uttered, it was stopped and immediately deleted!

    I think Audible should have a IMDB/Rotten Tomatoes style interface where you can rate the readers – and even permit a 0 star rating – because listening to Perkins, Fry, Norton (do they all have to be part of the alphabet brigade?), et. al., for any length of time would surely turn a saint to murder!

    I also listen to audio book CDs and highly recommend “Ship of Fools” by Tucker Carlson. He also narrates it, so it’s like a 4hr version of his Fox News show of leftist madness put-downs. Magic!

    I used to use the BBC iPlayer Radio app to download M.R. James, Conan-Doyle, etc., audio short stories/dramas but that app has now been replaced with the perfectly shite BBC Sounds (cr)app.

    The interface is garish, unusable and obviously targets “da yoof” and their “two thumbs per hand” interaction.

    But that’s the BBC for you, take something that actually works, reboot it into something that doesn’t, and then pretend that it was far better than the original (just like Dr – my pronouns are – Who)!

    Cunts!

  15. Why are all of my none-inflammatory comments and nominations being moderated lately. Have I been put on the naughty step or summat, cos if I have I might as well put some shite in there that truly justifies the moderation!

    • Have you used any words with cüm in them?

      For example: docüment, docümentary, scüm. And loads of others.

      • I can’t get my head round why this word “cüm” should be censored because of a leak of photos related to an actress five years ago. This is despite reading about it on the link below.
        Surely this alone would not prompt the censorship of “cûm” embedded legitimately in many English words today?

        https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/jennifer-lawrence-nude-photo-hack-pictures-video-leak-celebrity-addresses-issue-violating-a8067121.html

      • I love the way JL feels ‘violated’ – no mention it was Apple’s fault for using no encryption on their auto-cloud-back-up servers 🙂
        The 4Chan leaker did not even hack, they were open on the public Internet LMFAO
        Just because they are on nameservers without URL’s does not mean they are safe, a script-kiddie could connect to them servers from a browser, no knowledge required other than running Kali Linux :p

      • WordPress must have forgotten (or can’t be arsed) to remove the cüm word from their list of moderated words. It’s been over 2 years since those Lawrence pictures were leaked.

        At the time, all the links had the word cüm in them, which is why they used it to block further postings.

  16. I cannot think of a worse punishment than listening to Sue Perkins mumbling something about bum oil.
    I’d rather listen to a James Blunt album, on repeat at 142 dB whilst watching Strictly Come Dancing, every episode, all 20 years worth of that wank

  17. That shirtlifting cunt Stephen Fry is bad enough, but nowhere near as insufferable as those two megacunts Sue Perkins and David Tennant. Another pair of vomit-inducing, blood pressure elevating cunts who have me diving for the remote every time they appear. Has anyone – ANYONE-ever found Perkins even remotely amusing? God forbid she’s only employed by the Beeb simply because she’s a lesbian… That wouldn’t happen, would it?
    Either way, I’d like to kick Perkins in the cunt, and kick Tennant in the bollocks. Unfunny, micro-talented,detestable poofs, the pair of them.

    • I think her stock plummeted in the eyes of the public after that misandrist jibes at that awards ceremony.

      The BBC see it as a duty to promote indsufferable gits, especially of the female and LGBTQ crowd. I bet their quota of black men has actually dropped. Dont seem as many as when i used to watch TV in the 90s.

      • Exactly, I had forgotten about her stupid, almost desperate misandry at that award show. Utterly pathetic.
        And remember her and Mel’s tragic attempt at hosting the Generation Game? So bad, it was pulled after ONE EPISODE!! The TV equivalent of having the big long hook appearing and dragging you offstage one verse into your first song. How embarrassing!!
        Utter SHITE.

      • Another thing theses fucking unfunny cunts have in common when their ‘comedy’ careers are coming to an end- some animal rescue or wildlife programme. Yes all three of the cunts Perkins, Fry, Tennant do them now. Fucking Jo Brand another. It shows their sweet and sensitive side. That cunt with fucking hair on QI Davies is another.
        But it is Perkins’ voice I can’t abide. That so pleased with herself voice. Her ‘comedy’ partner Mel Giedroyc the same thing. Almost giddy with how fucking funny and witty they are. And it’s utter fucking shite.

      • Yeah ‘their sweet and sensitive side’ like Jo Brand who made a joke about throwing acid in Fararge’s face. Now she leans over a rescued cat-Oh, you’ve been through the wars’.

      • Mel and Sue are easiest the unfunniest duo since Fred and Rose West, as for Jo Brand, she’s been appearing on TV since the 80’s and had managed to go 30 odd years without ever saying or doing anything even remotely humorous. Her entire act consists of “I hate men. I’m fat” – that’s it. A favourite “joke” of hers was “the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach – with a kitchen knife”. What a hateful, nasty, fat, grotesquely ugly smelly bastard. Absolute cunt.

  18. Is that the advert with the orangutangs? Quite what the fuck a great ape has to do with a talking book advert, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a thick fucker and the advertising people are so clever, it just went over my head. Mind you, I can read, so don’t need any poofthas reading a bed-time story to me, thank you very much.

  19. I take my nom de plume from The History of Mr Polly, a marvellous book which was read magnificently by Peter Bowles. Is that his name? The guy with the moustache in To the Manor Born with ugly but doable Penelope Keith.

  20. I have never understood what it is about Sue Perkins and her media presence. She is a twat of the highest order, she has no talent is as boring as fuck

    • Gets loads of work though eh?
      Some cunt rates her.
      Cant see the appeal myself though.

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