Today’s nomination is untimely death.
I think we are all getting to the stage of life where getting your rocks off is a rare event but funerals are not.
Well I have been buttering Mrs B up for a number of days in the hope of some form of nocturnal recreation and last night was going to be the night (I had put the curtain rail up, ticked off all the odd jobs and even done the washing up).
As we get ready to skip off to the bouncy castle of love she checks her phone,, ooh so and so’s mother has died!; at this point we then have a major clash of personalities.
I am of the view that they are dead and there is not much I can do about it. There was a time when I used to get upset about it, but it dosent bring them back nor does it solve any of the problems their absence may cause.
Mrs B tends to go the other way, biblical wailing, tears and hold me (in a non sexual manner).
So I can tell you that this untimely death has affected me, not only did I not get my nuptials, but its unlikely that I will be getting them in the near future too.
I think I may go on a quick killing spree next time I am not feeling horny and wipe out all the frail ones to prevent a recurrence of this.
Nominated by lord benny
All the nonsense what Diana died. Twats wailing and throwing flowers at the hearse.
She did fuck all for anyone apart from herself.
Cock loving whore.
If Megain does not wind her neck in a trip in a tunnel may be necessary.
Mammy!
Ole man river.
39
I’m not sure if Phil could get away with using the same trick twice. Perhaps an accident in the Tower of London’s moat involving Prince George’s pet crocodile.
21
Even though I was a mere callow youth of 23 in 1997, it was not lost on me that the queen of hearts had spent her last summer shoring her way around Europe with an Arab forehead in tow. Entirely in character, but deeply at odds with the ‘queen of hearts’ bollocks that was all over the press at the time
18
*whoring, obviously
8
There was also a rugby footballer as far as I recall and they were not the only two helping themselves to the regal gash. I often wonder if she had any of Sarah Ferguson’s sloppy seconds?
14
It depends who you are talking about My Lord. There are plenty of cunts who can’t die soon enough for me , and i’m not talking about about my dead pool list. (well except for the Lord Prestcott obviously)
I have a whole list of fucking cunts who I want dead, and that’s before I get round to the pikeys , peacefuls, Millwall, Palace and West Ham.
Getting rid of the shite would be a whole lifetime’s work for me.
14
Off topic but, took the kids to Alton Towers last week and was a bit bemused by a paint company carrying out some research & development on one of the rides! Apparently it was a rollercoaster of emulsions…
10
Presumably, any issues were glossed over.
4
Some old chap of 111 died yesterday. According to Wireless 4 1700 hrs news yesterday when he was 100 he had to buy a new washing machine, and he was so convinced of his longevity he even bought a ten year warranty. That ran out last year. Though expected, like the Battle of Britain survivor who died last week hours after celebrating his 100th birthday, it is a bit sad. Just imagine though if the same news summary reported “The death has been announced of the comedian Dominic Grieve, famous for his silly ass roles in Westminster farces”. No reason to refrain from rumpy-pumpy in that latter case. Even Mrs Boggs might not have been safe from a motor-boating.
13
Never mind about Mrs Boggs. If you could deliver the Grieve head on a plate my arse would be freely available to you.
Krav, stop reading this! It’s got fuck all to do with you.
11
As someone who will outlive the majority of you (rightfully so) i stand content in the fact that although most of you will be chucked unceremoniously into a paupers pit, ill be carted to the family mausoleum by wailing virgins cascading rose petals, on my funeral bier made from my enemies bones.
12
If you are a well known and deserving local character, you might get recognition with a small brass plaque on a park bench or a cul-de-sac named after you.
8
I am a well known character, but councils objecting to a brass plaque to a flasher!!
9
I’m going in the black wheelie bin.
8
Same here, RTC. No point in wasting money on a drawn out funeral.
My only fear is that the bin stasis may intervene and refuse to take me in their lorry to the municipal tip. Wouldn’t want my remains stinking out the lane with bluebottles encircling my temporary ‘chapel of rest’.
10
Top-Tip Paul:
Tell your loved ones in advance to stuff you in the bottom of the bin, that way there’ll be ample room to cover you up with regular rubbish like leftovers and Tena Pads, thus deterring the Bin Stasis from delving deeper and discovering the ugly truth.
I did a trial run using my defunct lawnmower last week – worked a treat!
9
Morning everyone! Paul @Rtc
Is there anything you chaps dont begrudge paying?
Firstly tv licenses for quality programming at auntie beeb,
Now the holy church to put you to rest with dignity!
Bet you fellas are popular come christmas with the expensive gifts ?
…..you reuse the wrapping paper every year dont you?😀
6
I use newspaper or leaflets that come through the letter box.
I used to wrap presents in christmassy or birthday paper but it gets thrown away as soon as it’s unwrapped.
I don’t want to live forever. I don’t want to get so old that I’m so dry and if I were to sneeze I’d poof in to a pile of dust.
All I ask is that you make sure I am dead before recycling my organs.
4
Jesus! Not another Ebenezer!
Not doing secret santa with you lot come december!
2
You don’t fancy being left to medical research then Creampuff for future snowflake junior doctors to marvel over ’21st Century White Man’, you may be an endangered species by then.
8
Gifts? Christmas? Wrapping paper?
What they MNC?
Bah humbug.
@ LL
You put forward a very interesting suggestion. But unless they’re willing to pay I’m not interested.
6
You and Paul should at least insist on leaving in the green recycling bin, seeing as you’re both such earthy characters.
Genesis 3:19 : In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
Rev. Cornelius Blunt
6
“return unto the ground”
E.g. Landfill.
3
You bought John worboys guide to romance as well cuntflap?
Im on chapter 2 ‘turn a no into a yes’!
11
Lmfao fuck me who did the editing in that i wonder what?herr fritzell was it ?
1
There’s a gravestone, in America, of some cunt who died during the Civil War. It says something like :
“He never killed no man who didn’t deserve killing.”
Well, that’s probably highly debatable but it made me smile.
9
Can’t understand the problem,Lord B.
You should have gently disentangled the wife,jumped in your cat and shot round to “so and so Mothers” place. As long as you got there before the funeral lot,your blue-balls could have matched her somewhat blue pallor as you relieved your tensions.
I believe the correct term is “preferring your meat served cold”?
Fuck Off.
12
ps. I’m out for the rest of the day,so if everyone will save their outraged remarks until later,I’d be grateful.
5
Oh yeah. Give yourself a posh name and suddenly everyone has to lick your bumhole.
Who do you think you are?…….Meghan fucking Markle?
9
It’s tremendous, Freddie. The more embellishments that I add,the more I can feel my contempt for the Common Herd growing.
3
Pfuck Off.
8
Did you mean: “jumped on your cat?”
Afternoon, Dick
2
Wouldn’t mind jumping in Charlotte Cathedral, up to my roots…
Oddly, our first family cat was called…Charlotte.
Long-hired silver tabby, flashing emerald eyes, black furry legs (spookily reminiscent of stockings)…
Very…feline, cats.
1
Your cat sounded like the object of your desires!
2
I think she’s returned as The Queen of Whales (sic)…
0
I think that it was a Freudian slip. I was,perhaps,considering telling Lord B. to “hump your cat””, but realised that would be distasteful and coarse,so stuck to suggesting that he fuck a recently deceased corpse instead.
Afternoon, K.
5
Damn, thought it was a new sport, like competitively flinging magnitudally challenged people.
2
I believe theres a law against that necrophilia its called.
3
Funeral are fucking expensive as fuck, we initially wanted to bury my father in a casket and have just a basic funeral for him should be fairly affordable right?!
Not a fucking chance in hell the funeral merchants want your life savings an then some just for your average cheap casket and for a grieve cunt funeral service you’re looking at another 5 grand. Cremation is fucking expensive too unsurprisingly but we don’t really have a choice
Say what you want about church and religion but they were the only ones who offered to do a small service for nothing not the government tho my dad was well respected at the gospel mission so i assume that helps he did volunteer work there but still its nice they offered at all
9
If I were the former wife of “Lord” Adonis, or the improbable husband of Jess “Butch” Phillips, I’d grudge paying to have them interred. I would arrange to have him/her/it holding up a motorway bridge encased in concrete.
2
I sniff a commercial opportunity…
An interactive map for the next available concrete pouring.
2
The question of whether you go for burial or a cremation is a burning issue. (eat your heart out JR Cuntley)
4
Would you consider embalming Mr Blunt? You know in America they really go for it- the family can go and see the deceased for the last time in a recreation of the how they lived their life. (The body slightly shrunken of course). But say a Hunter will be dressed in his hunting gear or a woman dressed in her Country and Western outfit if that’s what she liked. Maybe when your end comes your loved ones can prop you up at a ‘final dinner party’. There you’d be you’re sophisticated self- wearing your favourute smoking jacket, a glass of wine in hand, a carnation in your button hole. Maybe Mahler in the background?
5
Already had it done havent you mr Blunt?! 😀
3
Miles and MNC. I intend to be cryogenically frozen until such time medical science will be able to fix my broken body.
This would be entirely appropriate as Mrs. B
says I’m a cold hearted bastard anyway.
3
Downside is, by the time you’re defrosted you’ll be the only white cunt left on the planet.
Upside is you can make a tidy living as an exhibit in a travelling freak show.
7
There is a danger that when I’m defrosted, I might be eaten by cannîbals who will then have taken over the planet.
They are very fond of dishes of human beanz
and chianti I believe.
3
Cannibals Bsc? I may be a bit behind the times but not aware cannibalism is on the rise.
Maybe your comment is a reference to HG Wells’ The Time Machine. You being a lone Eloi in a world populated by Morlocks…
2
RTC@2.10
No, nothing as cryptic. It’s just how I envisage the world turning out. Population growth will explode and because of pressure on the world’s resources, it will become a man eat man situation.
Fuck it, you’ve put me off the idea!
2
Sorry about that Bsc.
Tbh, I’m quite looking forward to dying – once dead I’ll be OUT!
Goodbye cruel basket-case world. 🙂
One possible snag haunts me: reincarnation. A customised variation of which I tend to believe in… the seeds planted during a series of heavy mushroom trips in the early 1980s…
2
Do you mean you’ll come back as a turdstool?
2
If only……
1
well I have pipped the post on that, I have donated my body to the UK’s first body farm, I am on the waiting list so when the home office approves the place I have a piece of turf reserved for me.
1
What goes in and out and stinks of piss = The old folks home doing the Hokey Cokey.
5
At the exact same time I was reading your comment, boot-ugly unwashed horse Jess Phillips appeared on TV. Someone else that goes in and out and stinks of piss.
1
I think , in all modesty, they should put a blue plaque up on the house where I was born.
It’s probably full of peacefuls now so it would really wind them up when my fans are camping outside 24 hours a day.
Of course, i’ll have to become famous first but i’m working on that.
No need to take the piss you cunts.
6
Off topic high Jack. Sorry.
The cunt that lobbed that poor child of the top of the Tate Modern is a 16 year old trans.
Why am I not surprised? If you tell a kid that he’s a girl in a boys body and he must therefore transition then he’s going to end up a sick demented psychopath.
Fuck off.
6
It’ll be popular in gaol.
2
Can’t find anything on t’net stating it was a tranny?
1
No. I can’t see it now but it was in the original Telegraph report that I read.
0
I want to be buried Mongol style.When the Great Khan finally snuffed it a huge convoy of soldiers and mourners would set off with the body to a distant destination whose exact location was known only by a handful of the contingent.Along the journey every animal in its path,human and non human,was slaughtered in honour of the Great Khan.Once they neared the intended burial site about 10 soldiers would ride off with the body out of sight of the others,bury the Great Khunt,trample the grave completely flat with their horses and then ride back to the convoy.The 10 soldiers then committed suicide so that no living being would ever know the Khans final resting place.It worked didn’t it? When’s the last time a cunt visited the tomb of Genghis Khan?
11
They should do that with Blair’s grave. It could become a health hazard with people shitting and pissing on it 24/7.
10
I always hoped as Anthony Blair is so holy that he had become Pope, that way when he shuffled off this mortal coil, we would have seen him stretched out on a dias. It would have been nice just once to see him wearing less make up than in life and with his gob shut.
7
The concluding scene of ‘Don Giovanni’ is the one I favour for Blair. If that got televised I’d even buy a licence to watch it. Though he’ll be offering to advise the Horned Cunt’s government as soon as he gets down there.
6
Happier, simpler times.
6
Now that i like!
Thats a funeral befitting a khan (not the one in the newsagents)
Viking jarls and nobles were buried with their finest clothes and jewellry on, their weapons, food and drink for the journey, the dogs and horses were slaughtered and popped in and also slaves, then buried in a longship.
Now isnt that better than sat in a stuffy church next to some crying old biddies?
(Admin-another hint?)
5
I saw this. It made me laugh 🙂
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/man_and_nagging_wife.htm
10
Lord Benny, have you considered the possibility that your wife may be using this non-related bereavement as an excuse to avoid playing hide the salami with you? Maybe she’s already getting enough from the gamekeeper. Let’s face it, we all fancy a change every now and then. Cast your net wider. And if all else fails I’m sure MPG will volunteer to give you a suck.
4
Commiserations old son. Try letting her ‘catch’ you sniffing her knickers and tell her it makes you mad with desire for her.
3
Bring out your dead! Nine pence.
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out…
[rewr!] …your dead!
[rewr!]
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here’s one.
CART MASTER: Nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I’m not dead!
CART MASTER: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing. Here’s your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I’m not dead!
CART MASTER: ‘Ere. He says he’s not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I’m not!
CART MASTER: He isn’t?
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon. He’s very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I’m getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you’re not. You’ll be stone dead in a moment.
CART MASTER: Oh, I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don’t want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don’t be such a baby.
CART MASTER: I can’t take him.
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Well, do us a favor.
CART MASTER: I can’t.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won’t be long.
CART MASTER: No, I’ve got to go to the Robinsons’. They’ve lost nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when’s your next round?
CART MASTER: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I’ll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn’t there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
CART MASTER: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who’s that, then?
CART MASTER: I dunno. Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
CART MASTER: He hasn’t got shit all over him.
1