Motorway Driving

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Having done a fair bit of travelling on motorways in recent weeks, I feel compelled to nominate motorway driving as a complete and utter cunt.

In recent years (and still ongoing in some areas) we’ve had to endure miles and miles of 50mph average speed cameras so that large chunks of motorway could be widened to four lanes. Why? In these areas, lane 1 is now almost completely unused, whilst any number of spatially unaware bellends poodle along at 50 mph in lane 3, leaving the inside lanes completely empty and forcing everyone else into lane 4 to overtake, since if we do the sensible thing and undertake, you can be sure that plod is there with his little camera and notebook to nick us. Since the main offenders appear to be Dark Keys and peacefuls, may I suggest that plod relinquishes his speed gun in place of a more traditional high velocity gun and picks off any offenders accordingly. It may cause a bit of carnage for a while, but I reckon the penny will soon drop.

As an aside, since we’re still in the steaming shitheap of the EU, how come the Germans can drive as fast as they like but we’re limited to 70moh? I thought it was all about unity and harmony. Cunts.

I was going to add ‘baby on board’ signs, but I think that’s worthy of a cunting all of its own.

Carry on Cunting

Nominated by Kunte Kunty

87 thoughts on “Motorway Driving”

  1. Feel your pain!
    As someone who spends a lot of his working time on motorways,
    Its othet people you have to second guess, mainly dozy foreign cunts,
    Massive stretches of reduced to 50mph and narrow lanes,
    And thick cunts drifting at 60mph in middle lane, nightmare.

    • Worst Drivers in ascending order:

      5.) Africans (technology too advanced)
      4.) Italians (shit cars, shit driving)
      3.) Women (no spatial awareness/doing make-up)
      2.) The Chinese (restricted eye vision)
      1.) Påkistanees (eyes not on the road as constantly searching for grooming victims)

      • Evening Cap!
        Id have the chinese proudly at no1
        Then Africans!
        Jesus theyre bad drivers, can invent gunpowder but cant cross lanes on a motorway.
        I play a game tp alleviate boredom
        1 because im childish
        2 because it relaxs me
        3 because it irritates my employee
        I guess drivers ethnicity loadly and crudely, it drives him mad!
        But to be fair 9 times out of 10 im right!

      • Yeah the chinese stole credit for it Rtc!
        But if the acedemics will back me up
        (And they will) definitely a african
        Invention gunpowder.
        They also invented lipstick, the perm,
        The popular dance called ‘the watusi’
        And skiving.
        Creative people, cradle of humanity africa Rtc.

      • Ruffy, I too questioned MNC’s cavalier claims but then typed “inventors” into Google and hit “images.”
        Imagine my amazement!

      • Yes the ironing board, amongst many other things.
        Wrinkled grass skirts itch.

      • Rather drive in Italy than UK they just drive how it should be done. Get out the fucking way you slow cunts I’m important and need to get somewhere.

      • Ah herro Caprin, we meet again. You dissin my coutweemens excerrent driving?

      • Riberal Riquidator….my gleatest adversaly!
        You shall pay back my five dorrar or plepare to accept my lage!
        -_-

      • Ok a sign of good wirr. You rike James Bond? Riving Dayrights and The Spy Who Roved Me DVD’s, no charge.

      • I tell you before. No rike James Bond Zelo Zelo Seven fillum!
        You! Gih me my money!
        Honour for Familee Magnanimous!
        Shame only for Familee Riquidator!

        I dispatch Honourable son Number 1: Ching Ting Ming to tok wiv you.

      • Easily the worst driver I ever got in a car with was a
        Muslim woman. In her Mudslime attire.

        The dents and scratches on the ancient Chrysler Grand Voyager should have been a giveaway.

        There is absolutely no way she would have passed a driving test in the UK. In the half a mile or so I was with her she did not have a clue what to do at a roundabout, and zero confidence.

        The very same one who complained to me that she was receiving racist comments. Upon questioning, she actually meant unwanted stares.

        When I suggested that perhaps she might like to wear Western attire, said she did not see why she had to.

        Horrid woman.

        Second worst was a very scary Indian driver, who always braked extremely late, and who often tried to squeeze through gaps narrower than the width of his car, then brake at the last second. He was ok on distance driving though, just not around town.

      • Know your opposed to violence Willie,
        And respect your view,
        But just this once i hope you beat them insensible put them in boot of the car and dumped them on wasteground.

      • The cunts of cunts drive fucking BMWs or AUDIs. The WORST are inadequate Mooooslimm males trying to impress us with their aggressive cuntishness by driving up my arse. Wanna piss off a BMW/AUDI cunt, hold him up behind an old Volvo.

    • I’m a 66 year old truck driver and boy oh boy it’s lethal out on the roads now.The roads are full to bursting with Grade A CUNTS. Trucks,Cars,coaches, all have a big percentage of Cunts that just shouldn’t be on the road.It’s about time to hang up my keys before I disappear up my own exhaust pipe. I have a nice old e class Merc that stays home,i walk to the shops,because supermarket car parks are full of Cunts and the roads are full of Twats that can afford finance and they buy powerful Kraut motors that they can’t drive. What a shit place urban Britain has become. West Cork beckons,detached house in a field,a dog…shit i’ll even let the wife come. Good night and Fuck Off

  2. Want to comment but really need to have a dump so will have to add my thoughts later.
    Oops touching cloth. Bye.

      • ISAC has gone upmarket Blunty. First de Pfeffel – foxchaser and now Krav is Earl of Bumholia (I don’t want to know where it is or visit)

      • And how long does it take to have a shit?
        Not been eatin foreign muck have ya Billy?

  3. I drive around 80,000 miles per year for a living. I love my work and it keeps me out of trouble (mainly).

    However, when I take the time to sit and reflect on the utter bellendery I witness on a daily basis from both other motorists AND that shower of brain-dead arsewipes known as Highways England, it really curdles my piss.

    For some time I have been meaning to write a nom for HE but frankly don’t know how or where to fucking start.

    • I feel your pain. We have issues round here that those cunts ignore year in year out, and yet a distant neighbour who works for them never seems to be at work. His low mileage (presumably) mint condition HE truck seems to sit on his drive day after day, night after night. Never seen the thing dirty to date, and cant decide if its an ornament or a clever clone to make us think he is employed. Either way I agree, HE are cunts.

      • It’s got to a stage where the endless narrowings, restrictions, cameras, arsehole crawlers, roadworks, unless absolutely necessary, I avoid motorways like a dose of clap.
        The new “smart” motorways seem specifically designed to make life as wretched as possible and to maximise how many hapless cunts can be fined, it’s all about the money. CUNTS.

      • Indeed Your Sheikiness. It’s also the sheer amount of time it takes them to “smarten” a motorway.

        The M3 was fucked for what? 3 years? Now it’s the M4, M23, M20, M6 and so on.

        Years and years of disruption at enormous expense in order to achieve what precisely? A road that is more dangerous than it was to start with.

        Cuntitude of the highest magnitude.

  4. Haven’t been on a motorway in well over 3 years so can’t really comment on this but if you have 4 lanes to play with I have to ask what the fuck you are complaining about you ungrateful cunt.

  5. Tom Robinson was shit wasn’t he? ‘2-4-6-8 Motorway’. I hate joiny-in shouty songs like that. Sham 69 another. Tenpole Tudor come to think. There were a few during Punk.

    Not much of a contribution. Feel so dull with this sun.

    • Sing if you’re glad to be gay Miles.
      Sing if you’re happy that way, hey.

      I’m currently glad to be humming along to Mikrophonie 1 by Stockhausen.

      • I’m too busy watching Spuds getting beaten 1-0 by Newcastle to listen to music right now. It’s been a smorgasboard of sport this weekend.
        Liverpool ✔️
        Warrington Challenge cup winners ✔️
        England cricket win ✔️
        Spuds lose ✔️
        I notice old Irritation Yank has not shown his face since the end of last season.

      • Bertie: Reds win without playing well and England beat the Convicts against all odds.
        🎆
        ✨

        Miles: Perhaps you’re feeling low as you haven’t got a Fiddler arse to kiss. 😉

      • Evening Captain, I absolutely love your discourse between you and LL. Keep it going!

      • “For arrogance and hatred are the wares/
        Peddled in the thoroughfares”

        Yeats.

        ☺

      • Anyway Captain I hear that question asked everyday from Mrs P.lastic. She puts it slightly differently though- ‘Are you licking Tricky Dicky’s arse again?’.

    • Didnt like Tom Robinson and hated sham69 so fake!
      But got to admit that 2 drummer thing? Burundi drumming?
      That Adam & the ants did i quite liked.
      Jesus cant stop thinking about that twat Jimmy Pursey now!
      Gonna be a borstal breakout…

      • RT. Just listened to something called ‘Mantra’ for a few minutes. I don’t dismiss it…but it is…difficult… must take time to grow on you?

      • Indeed it does Miles.

        1st requirement: an attention span of more than 2 minutes and 58 seconds.

        2nd requirement: an open mind and spectacular taste in music.

        3rd requirement: being a cunt.

      • Cheers Rtc!
        Took me back to my teenage years!
        Used to fancy annabella lwin back then.
        Dont know how to put links on here,
        But while back saw clip on YouTube
        of Annabella putting some bbc interviewer type in his place.
        Enjoyed that.

      • You like Gong Rtc?
        Used to like them, although not listened to them in years!
        Quirky but good.👍

      • I like Camembert Electrique, Radio Gnome Invisible Part 1, and Shamal. The other stuff not so much.

        PS: The first 4 Faust albums are awesome. Have you heard them?

      • No not heard the Faust albums,
        But all the mentioned Gong stuff im familiar with.
        Like trying out different music, and give anything a fair go really,
        Either like it or dont!
        Like a band called Soar Patrol at moment if having a drink,
        Bagpipes, lotta drums, stirring stuff!

      • And on the subject of motorway driving – Autobahn by Kraftwerk.

        The album, not the butchered single version.

      • That Tom Robinson 2-4-6-8 Motorway was apparently all about picking up fudge nudgers.

      • Your joking paul? Really?
        The bastard!
        Feel used now, whistled along to that without realising, Tom Robinson you sneaky degenerate!👊💥

      • Miserable. You’ve had too much to drink. Soar Patrol? Surely you mean Snow Patrol?

      • I certainly do not!
        Saor patrol
        Scottish folk rock!
        Oh they get kilts a flying and by end of the night yer reaching for yer claymore…great band!
        Snow patrol are bedwetters and im not inviting them to the party!

      • Never heard of Soar Patrol before. Looked ’em up on YouTube despite the bagpipe & drums warning. Big mistake. Never has the saying each to their own been more appropriate. Now I know it’s not really the done thing to have a pop at other users of this site but when you say you listen to them when drinking just w.t.f. is it you drink? Whatever it is it clearly isn’t good for your auditory nerve. If I had owned a Claymore I’d have been reaching for it to cut my own throat rather listen to much more of it. It is said Bagpipes have been around for thousands of years (possibly back to 4000BC in the Middle East) so you’d have thought that by now they’d have designed a set that didn’t sound like an asthmatic cat taking it’s final few breaths. Suggest you seek urgent help for your drink & hearing issues.

      • Each to their own dribbler, know your more into soap,
        I like them and thats all that matters to me, like them when drinking whisky!
        Theyre great!
        Hey you could use a claymore when
        You shave your arse!👍

      • To be able to properly use a Claymore on my hairy ass, MNC, I’d either have to be a contortionist or have the arms the length of a gibbon. I can assure you neither applies.

      • Necessity is the mother of invention
        Dribbler!
        Maybe a wall mounted claymore?
        Or maybe there is someone who specializes in shaving hirsuit arses
        With large scottish swords?
        Wouldnt surprise me,
        Bit of a niche market but probably is.

      • The Mothers of Invention, great group, now yer talkin’ MNC!

        Good morning.

      • Morning mate!
        Just knew if i put that, someone would make a zappa reference!😁

  7. The problem with motorways is the same as every other problem…….. too many fucking people in this country. Fewer people obviously means fewer cars but also fewer trucks delivering shit for those excess cunts to buy.
    Loads of cunts who shouldn’t be here. Get rid of the fuckers, especially that Markle bitch.

  8. Having just come back from a bike rally in Belgium, and having to endure 15 cunting miles of 50mph speed limit on the M20, you are spot on. The only highlight (if you can call it that) of my trip was watching two little scrotes on dirt-bikes with no number-plates belting through the Dartford Tunnel – no plod about to nick the little cunts, but they shat themselves when they saw my hi viz jacket. Looked like they were caravan dwellers.

  9. Highways Agency Traffic Wombles, cunts to a man and woman. Mate in the fire brigade said that when the cunts were first formed, they came running up at an RTA, full of piss and pepper, asking what they could do to help. ‘Get your brooms out and wait over there’, was the reply! I would have paid money to see their faces. Cunts try to tell me where to park my ambulance when we get a job on the motorway. I take great delight in ignoring the self-important cunts. And don’t get me started on the skidmarks that set the speed limits on the variable speedlimit sections. WHY the fuck is it 60mph, you cunts??? The motorway’s fucking clear????

    • Agree DCI, all Traffic Wombles have got ideas above their station. The Battenburg livery on their off-roaders makes the buggers think they’re the equal of the Police when the Traffic Management Act 2004 clearly gives them few real powers and makes them subordinate to Dibble and the Ambulance Service / Fire Brigade when criminal activity is suspected, loss of life or potentially life-changing situations occur (as must be the case if these services are called out to attend an incident on the roads). Your self-restraint in simply ignoring them is to be admired.

  11. Admin must of slept in?
    Normally a new nom up by now?
    You ok admin?
    One of the ISAC cunters was bit worried, said milk bottles still outside your door?
    And mail still sat in porch!

    We never sleep

      • Theres a right queue building up!
        Rtc mind my place and ill run round and see if anyones in,
        Admin left Blunty with the keys.
        When he was a teacher hed bollock anyone late as well!

      • Dunno, but he was, probably home economics, how to make a mash potato hedgehog, and that.
        Doubt it was P.E. think you have to be a lesbian.

      • Morning gentleman. Just woke up to your little conversation and it was the best start to the day I could wish for. Mrs Blunt will have to change the sheets again!
        😂😂
        Had a late night last night listening to Faust as per Ruffy’s recommendation. All was well until about 2 mins. in, when there was this great rasping noise like one of my wet farts.
        Seriously RTC, I think I’ll give it a longer go as I’ll probably like it. Noted your claymore dual Miserable with DD.

      • Morning mate!
        Yes, but all good natured, he critiqued my taste in music!
        The scamp!

      • Morning Blunty.

        They were duck farts. Faust incorporate a wide variety of styles in their music, worth checking out their other stuff.

        Did you see my replies to your Gôlly related posts on the Cunts On Loud Motorcycles nom?

  12. The Thought Police have turned up. The heavy mob are kicking his door in right now.

  13. As a lorry driver I spend most of my working life on motorways, I think I’ve become immune to idiots as I get the impression I’ve seen everything there is to see on the roads.

    • Coming off junction 10 M25 as I hit the slip road some twat in a Mercedes saloon the middle lane cut across the arctic on the slow lane, it clipped him and was being pushed sideways up the M25.
      I had a nice view of this as it was on my right hand side, the driver didn’t look happy,and I accelerated out of the shit.
      My heart calmed down by the time I got to the turning for merrow on the A3.

  14. try this, 1991 Ryad Saudi Arabia, the motorways are rutted like mud tracks due to the heat, as with the expression “you are stuck in a rut”, you can quite happily do 60mph without steering because your wheels are in nice little troughs.
    So my bombing along at 60mph in the fast lane, middle lane a convoy of French foreign Legion and the slow lane a convoy of yanks, sun shining, I am happy, they are happy.
    Fucking arab does a U turn in an articulated oil tanker across the central reservation! I managed to pop out the ruts and overtake on the central reservation (very little choice short of rear ending him) fucking cardboard boxes, bits of dead goat and flying out from under me and then back onto the road.
    To put it bluntly I almost pooed my pants, so I would say Arabs are fucking dangerous drivers.

  15. The main culprits of fuckwittery and cuntish driving: In no particular order (except for number one)

    1/ Camel botherers / peacefuls / mudslimes etc
    2/ Jungle / mud hut dwellers, tar people
    3/ Cunts in Audis
    4/ Cunts in BMW’s
    5/ Boy racer cunts
    6/ White van men
    7/ Sausage fingers (polish) or Neanderthal lorry drivers
    8/ Those cunts who drive those fucking Fiat 500 things
    9/ Wimmin (especially the one’s who do their make up in the mirror and can’t shut their mouths when talking to the cunt in the passenger seat)
    10/ Any cunt with a ‘Baby on board’ sign.
    11/ Any cunt using their phone
    12/ Old cunts

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