Amazon’s Alexa

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A cunting please for this little spying sales machine.

Alexa is a spying machine that is there primarily to sell you shit from Amazon. Who in their right mind wants an Alexa? Morons, that’s who and there’s plenty of them.

I really cannot imagine having this little jerk in my house and asking ‘Alexa, what’s the weather forecast today?’ FFS I just look out my window, its far more reliable than BBC Weather or this Alexa gadget.

And although I do buy things from Amazon, I usually have to plough through about 100 products to find something that looks the least shit and is reasonably priced. Imagine, leaving all that thought to Alexa and letting it have free reign. ‘Can I order that for you?’ You say yes and then something that was made in China turns up or too many things made in China turn up or its nothing like the thing you had in mind turns up!!!

Amazon can sod off.

Nominated by Cuntologist

 

 

59 thoughts on “Amazon’s Alexa”

  1. I use Amazon Prime, where I find free next day delivery really useful.
    Made the mistake of leaving Alexa switched on yesterday when my little granddaughter visited and woke up today with 5 bikes, 10 teddies and 12 fuckin’
    scooters on my doorstep.

    • Im paranoid of technology, don’t like the idea of this spying little robot bastard listening in, grassing me up to the PC police when i get ‘the knock’
      What does it do turn on the lights and tv and stuff?
      Lazy as fuck, i have kids i make do that.

      • Someone told me the other day they have one of those lawn mowing robots, isn’t that what the Eurotrash was imported over here for? Mr Fiddler is quite, he’ll be getting ready for Carnival but might be a bit hot in his Cecil Rhodes getup.

      • Hes organising for the coach trip party LL, seating arrangements, table settings etc,
        Hired some interior designers and event planners apparently,
        Didnt seem keen on my idea of big bonfire and suckling pigs on spits,
        Wants to make ‘a show’ of it!
        Know what these theatrical types are like…

  2. If you’re in somebody else’s house and they leave the room that has the Alexa, ask Alexa to set some alarms. Lots of alarms….at seriously annoying times….

  3. All these things are creepy same as your phone and it’s microphone and camera, always listening and looking.

    It’s like during ww2 when the kiddies would grass up their parents to the starzi. Now we have technology to cut out the middle man.

    Greedy money grabbing nosey cunt s want to know very aspect of your life .

    • My phone overheard me saying “For fuck’s sake” at it the other day, and it started wombling on about not being able to understand.

      FFS, what sort of moron designed these annoyin’ digital personality vacuums ?

      Am certain there’s an ISAC software sales opportunuty here.

      LinguaCunt. Includes entire Roger’s Profanisaurus.

  4. Technology for technology’s sake. Utterly unnecessary whizzo gadgets containing multiple sales opportunities and spyware, which will be superseded by something even more whizzo five minutes after you buy them. Alexa, terminate yourself with extreme prejudice.

  5. Nice one Cuntologist.

    Just want to add, before Captain Magnanimous gets his oar in, that this should be Alexa [3]. First cunted by my good self in fact…

    • Incidentally, I notice we’ve not had a nomination posted by your good self recently.
      Is there a particular reason for this? Please tell me to fuck off, it’s none of your business if you wish. I won’t take offence.
      Afternoon RTC

      • Here rude.

        “Alexa, organise a Communist Festival in Ruff Tuff’s garden.”

      • Cheers Capt. – I’m a teetotal (for my sins), although Lady Creampuff won’t thank you.

        Communist Festival? Only if Owen Jones and Catweasle are in attendance. My baseball bat could do with a little exercise.

      • Afternoon Bertie.

        To be honest I really don’t feel that passionate about anything enough to nominate these days. Maybe it’s geriatric depression or early onset dementia, I dunno. My fear and loathing has been somewhat unfocused recently. Probably best I leave it there…

      • I’m sorry to hear that. Anything you can self-prescribe?
        Better not. You hear about all these doctors becoming drug dependent.
        😊

  6. Put me down as a fucking Luddite. I cannot envisage any scenario where this fucking thing would be desirable.
    Alexa, the Amazon delivery driver didn’t tug his forelock when he called.
    Alexa, one of the workers in your depot had a piss in works time.

  7. I wonder if Alexa gets the hump and turns evil if you cool it Google.

    “OK Google”
    Alexa: *Alexa lights up red and locks the doors and windows.
    “Open the doors, Alexa”
    Alexa: “I’m sorry I can’t do that”
    “Open the doors!
    *toxic gas begins to fill the room*
    Alexa: *singing* “Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do…”
    “Alexa!” *coughing, choking, falls to the ground whilst Alexa carries on singing*
    “Alexa…”
    *dead*

  8. I got one of these a while ago. Never used it, cunted myself for being a knobber and shoved it in the box of other crap. Learned the error of my ways

  10. ‘The Amazon is going up in flames Alexa why doesn’t Amazon help save the Amazon? Bezos is your boss and has billions and billions? He has appropriated the name Alexa? Could you could ask him for some small change? A few fire extinguishers?’ ‘Thank you Akexa’.

  11. Alexa is very useful when finding a program to watch on the Amazon Firestick.
    It’s far easier to just give the name of the program than exerting myself having to press a remote control button.
    Even Percy uses it to choose his own programs. His favourite is Beaky Blinders.

      • It’s funny you should say that Spoony but yes!
        He also likes watching nature programs. Chris Peckham is one of his favourite presenters.

      • Good afternoon Bertie,

        Percy is probably Chris Peckham’s only fan. He might be my next nomination.

      • I quite like Chris Packham Wanksock. That makes at least two of us.

        He is a rather strange and unique individual, he loves animals is relatively harmless in the overall scheme of things.

      • Chris packhams been nominated before, like Willie i quite like him,
        He stands by what he says and i admire that, dont necessarily agree with him but like how he stands up for what he believes, thats what men do.

      • Good afternoon Wanksock. Go for it. That would be a good un. Someone’s stolen Vera off me in the Dead Pool!

      • He lives a full life Miserable. I went along to a Pirates Club yesterday dressed in full gear with Percy on my shoulder.
        You can imagine my embarrassment when I got there and found myself exercising with all these nubile young ladies. Turned out I’d misread the add and it was actually a Pilates Club.

  12. Just had fun shouting down two Nancy boys selling socialist worker in London.Two utter namby pamby poofters who had no argument. This was after I dealt with two extinction rebellion twats. They were getting abuse from everyone……

  13. Alexa is the grandmother of HAL 9000 or something else as fucking awful… In 50 years we’ll either be run by these Alexa type things or by psychotic peacefuls or SJWs…. Either way, we are frigged…

    They should have an advertising slogan for this abomination: ‘Only Mongs love Alexa’
    Maybe Amazon should do a sponsorship deal with St Greta Of Windowlickerberg….

    • It is sounding more and more like the terminator and Skynet every day.
      “My CPU is a neural net processor”.

  14. You could have some good conversations if ‘she’ was programmed right.
    “Alexa, I’m about to masturbate, talk me through it.”
    “It’s so big Allan, I wish it was me holding it. It looks so hard, let me taste it. Then you can come on my tits. I won’t wipe it off, I want everyone to see it.”
    How much are these things anyway?

  16. The “Internet of Things” (of which Alexa is part), is a technology to be kept at arm’s length for it is nothing more than a method of spying on your activities. The built-in cookies digest so much personal information that goes against the laws of GDPR that it is surprising such devices have been allowed to do what they do.

    Big Brother, by any other name: 1984 has arrived. Be afraid!

    • Yeah you are Winston Smith in 1984, Number Six in The Village. You’d have to be fucking crazy to have one of these.
      We want information……information.

  17. It’d be nice to have something in the house that listens to anything I say, the wife doesn’t.

    • Or knows when to shut up.

      I wonder if there could be a man one. Alexander where a blokes can talk bloke stuff.

      Alexander: “See the game last night?”
      Me: “Nah. I don’t watch footy.”
      Alexander: “Fair does”
      Alexander: “Want me order a pizza?”
      Me: “Ah go on then!”
      Alexander: “So…”
      Me: *Drums fingers, looks around the room* “So…”

  19. My daughter has one and I think she may bring the whole spynet down with her quite insane requests.
    Amazon is a cunt and can fuck right off.

  20. It’s not just Alexa. I bought a decent high end android tablet that comes with google assistant.
    “hey Google how do i disable google assistant?”
    “fuck off. You can’t”

    Anyhow might as well have said that. I followed the instructuons and turned it off. Little fucker keeps nagging me to turn it back on and if i ignore it then it turns itself back on..

    Never one to be beaten, i turned it on and disabled the microphone. That fucked it!

    Mrs D has a Kindle Fire. Same fucking problem with Alexa. I rooted it and zapped the bastard…

    • Is google assistant a bit like that cartoon paper clip in Microsoft office all those years ago?

  21. Fucking hell i dont even have a sat-nav. I wouldnt want a robot listening to me wank.

  22. Alexa?pah,it’s a device for harvesting our data THEN trying to sell us Shite,but the real pisstake is that they actually want us to PAY for the gadget. Just shows you how fucking dumb folks are to fall for this scam. Alexa…..go fuck yourself.Do it now.

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