I’d like to nominate weekend bores. Those who bore you to death all week talking about what they’ve got planned, and then spend Monday boring you to death telling you about it.
If I get asked what my plans are, I just tell them that I might do this that or the other and then might do it or not. They never ask me again.
Nominated by Mystic Maven
I used to get this shit every Monday morning from colleagues at work. It’s a very empty question because they really don’t give two shits what you did!
Out of pure interest I did on one occasion exaggerate a claim by saying I scored some drugs, stole a car, had illegal sex with a girl, head butted a traffic warden, stole some beer from an off-licence, filled up the stolen car with petrol and drove off; and then ended up in a 12 way orgy with some French tarts.
But my interlocutor only response was “you nutted a traffic warden?”
Cunt
21
Generally a question used on a Monday morning by middle management to staff prior to them offloading shitty hard jobs onto unfortunate employee in the vain hope that employee thinks said manager actually gives a shit about them as a person.
Goes something like this:
Manager: Morning, how’s your weekend?
Employee: Great thanks, I went shopping, took the kids to their Nan’s, got the dog trimmed and saw Toy storey 4 at cinema with the kids.
Manager: ‘Nice one’, (they always use that FUCKING line) we got a toilet blocked in female loos behind the HR department. That fat bird who looks like Dianne Flabbott was last seen coming out of there. Can you go sort it out mate?
Employee: errrr yes of course.
Fucking hate the weekend bores as this is always a prelude to something far more sinister.
9
Whenever anyone asks me what I’ve got planned for the weekend I just say: Friday Dogging, Saturday S&M Party, Sunday KKK rally. Wanna tag along?
They never bother talking to me again. Job done.
10
What the fuck are you lot up to this weekend?
Gardening and walking the Dog
2
I’m going to the seaside in Devon for some pier fishing, then going to the pub with………………
Ahhhh, darn it. Fell for it good and proper didn’t I?🙄😂
5
I agree with this cunting but will raise the stakes and say I detest nosey cunts, per se.
What are you doing tonight, where are you going, where dd you meet your wife….fuck off cunts.
8
Exactly.
“Up to anything this weekend?”
“Yeah. Minding my own cunting business.”
4
Drinking heavily, watching porn, and stealing from supermarkets, now w leave me alone nosey work colleague cunt.
5
I caught a taxi in Amsterdam airport once and the taxi driver was the nosiest bastard I have ever met. “Where are you from?, What flight were you on? How long are you staying? Have you been here before?”. I was waiting for the Monty Python nudge nudge moment – “Your wife, likes pictures does she?” – but gave up and asked if he was an undercover policeman who had picked up the wrong suspect. His reply was, “What makes you ask that?”
10
On a similar tack……what is it about fucking Hairdressers who just can’t stop themselves poking their noses in; full in the knowledge that you’re trapped and can’t escape from them.
I just want the cunts to concentrate properly on giving me a short back and sides and shut the fuck up.
I always act moody and taciturn and pretend never to watch TV/ go on holiday/have any hobbies except an addiction to ’The Hub’ and even THAT doesn’t always work.
I’d wear those footballer headsets if I could but (a) it’d fuck up the haircut and (b) I’m not that much of a cunt!
4
Yes thank you. Changed the fork seals on the bike and shot some pigeons. And ignored anything to do with football. Now piss off.
4
When cunts ask you “do anything special over the weekend”? they don’t actually give a fuck. What they want is , after they have listened to your shit, is for you to say “how about you?” Then they can babble on about their “exciting “ weekend and bore the fuck out of you. It’s part of the “look at me” world we now live in.
The first time they ask you just say “my dog died” and walk way.
By the third week and it’s “my goldfish died” even the thickest of them will get the message.
Of course you will get a reputation as a miserable bastard but that’s ok by me.
8
Sorry to hear about your dog. You must start taking better care of your pets.
4
I haven’t got any pets. But that doesn’t mean I can’t “self identify “ as a pet owner on any particular day. And if, by coincidence, they happen to be the days just after they snuffed it, then you should have respect for my emotions.
Fascist!
6
Do you fall to your knees weeping and sobbing uncontrollably when you advise them that your #furbaby has #passed?
If not, you really should. With any luck the boss will give you the day off. Especially if it was a rescue dog/cat/Siamese python.
2
My cockroach died…after I hosed it with mortein
Big wingy roaches with long antennae eeeeehhhhh
1
If it’s some i dont particularly like asking, i reply ‘i’m off to a swiss resort to drink a beaker of Sodium Thiopental’.
4
Nobody ever asks me how my weekend went…they prefer to read all about it in the local paper and then respond to Police appeals for “any witnesses to please come forward”.
Fuck them.
11
Winds me up no fucking end when I tell people, when asked – I keep it quiet for this reason – what I do for a living, (Big Yellow Taxi Driver for the NHS). ‘Oh, you must see some sights, I couldn’t do your job’, is the usual response. Doesn’t stop them asking fucking questions about the worst thing I’ve seen, though. Only lost my rag once and replied: ‘So, you want me to remember the worst thing I’ve seen in my job, to drag up those memories just for your entertainment’? Fuck off you nosy cunts.
5