The Prostate
It’s a sad fact of life that when you reach my age, the prostate can really start to act the cunt.
It begins fairly insignificantly. You need a jimmy more often than you used to, particularly during the night. Then sometimes you REALLY need to go, but get to the lav and you dribble and drabble and have to return five minutes later. You start to get a bit concerned, especially if you know someone who was similarly placed, and it turned out to be the dreaded Big C.
So off to the doc you trot. After humming and hawing, s/he will decide to do two things. Firstly blood will be taken, to determine whether your ‘psa level’ is abnormal. Secondly, on will go the latex glove, and a finger will be unceremoniously poked up your jaksey for a rummage about. ‘Mmm’ says the doc. ‘Your prostate’s swollen. I’ll refer you for further investigations’. Cosmic.
So it begins. You wait for ages to see the consultant, wondering just what the fuck you’re in for. You finally get an appointment, and the glove goes on again. You’ve just got to man up. ‘Well’, s/he says, peering over their glasses in that consultant type manner. ‘We need to do more tests’. No fucking shit Sherlock.
So you wait again, growing slowly but surely more anxious. Finally you go for an MRI scan, a boring but painless procedure. Not so the subsequent cystoscopy and biopsy. The former involves shoving a tube with a mini camera into your knob to examine the bladder. The latter involves pushing what feels like a broom handle up your ringpiece to take samples. Each procedure guarantees you a really fun day out at a Urology Department near you. And don’t expect any naughty consolations from the wife for ten days or so; your tackle will be in a sling and you literally will not be rising to the occasion for a while.
Then the worst wait of all begins, as you hope for yet dread the appearance of the envelope with the letters ‘NHS’ in the corner, marked’ private and confidential’. Finally it arrives, and offering a prayer to whoever your God is, you open it up. If your God is indeed merciful, you’ll read those wonderful words ‘no signs of malignancy were detected’, and you can breathe one almighty sigh of relief. Ok, your prostate’s the size of a cricket ball, but the enlargement is benign, and it’s treatable. You’ll be back at the hospital in due course to discuss a medication plan to reduce the size of the bastard. Then you’ll be monitored regularly. ‘Watchful waiting’ they call it, and you have to learn to live with it.
That’s the prostate for you, guys. We’ve all got one, and it can be a real cunt when it feels like it and no mistake. Anyway must dash, I’m dying for a piss…
Nominated by Ron Knee
Brilliant as always Ron. Very light hearted but at the same time you’re bringing to everyone’s attention a problem that kills 11000 men in the UK every year. One in eight men will get prostrate cancer – a frightening figure.
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Rather more than that I believe, BSC. I read somewhere that if a man lives into his eighties, he’s more likely than not to die with prostate cancer; not of it, he dies of something else first. On a related subject, I believe most wild female rabbits die of cervical cancer. Nice one god, you cunt.
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Thanks Blunt.
Yes joking aside I’d say to any bloke on here (or anywhere else for that matter) if you get these sort of symptoms, don’t fanny about hoping the problem will go away. Get yourself checked out. The most likely cause of the problem is infection, then benign enlargement (a fucking nuisance but essentially harmless). The least likely cause is cancer, but if you catch it early it can be managed too.
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Most informative cunting Ron – cheers.
Something to look forward to….. NOT!
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Sincerely hope you never have to go there RTC.
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Thanks Ron, don’t always pee with the pressure I once did, spose at some point I should go get my arse fingered. I had a gf who was always wanting to finger my arse but I’d never let her, but now I will need to get my arse fingered by Dr Abdulah.
Ironic that.
Maybe if the NHS plagiarised Ron’s cunting more men would pause to think and act.
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Had it done already SV…It was some dull plain jane woman doctor. I bet she loved it…the dirty slaaaag.
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But did she rim you?
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I had my doctor give me the finger on turning 50.
I was much more of a hypochondriac in those days and had probably read somewhere that men over 50 should have their prostates poked every five years or summat just to be on the safe side.
My doctor could barely disguise his amusement when I told him why I’d made the appointment.
The finger up the arse bit was no big deal. He advised me not to bother with the blood test. That was 16 years ago. Haven’t had it done again since.
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I bet she wanted to, I wont be going there again she might have filmed me and put it on ‘White Doctor cunt, anal play with Black and white Cunt’. I’m probably on PornHub.
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Long as you get a slice of the income
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Of which there’ll probably be quite a lot
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I’ll go and get my lady GP to do it; she looks like “Alexis Texas – trench coat flasher.” She already has experience of my back passage, as she’s done the honours twice re. the exploding arsegrapes incident. The first was like a red-hot poker, the second was much more pleasant. But no jizz.
Unlike The Professor in Vienna, who seemed to have more than a professional interest in bottoms.
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Thanks Sixdog. As I said above to Blunt, your problem’s most likely to be ‘minor’ like mine. I’m glad I got checked out in the end (no pun intended). It’s better to live with some temporary discomfort than to have uncertainty eat away at you constantly.
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Perhaps its caused by the women not allowing us to empty our poison enough?
How dare they let have that shite hanging abaaaaht desperate to fire out.
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How come having a finger up the arse can feel quite nice in a sexual context (I’m not a great fan, but it’s pleasant enough), yet when the doc does it, it fucking hurts? Do they do it deliberately…?
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I am on tamsulosin. It doesnt solve the problem but it certainly eases it. I had my bum ravaged with an extremely uncomfortable colonoscopy but it was all clear. I didnt have to wait, I got an immediate diagnosis.
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Fuck tamulosin m8 no wonder it doesn’t solve your problem coffee up your arsehole right now thats a order c n’ r
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I’ve seen coffee enemas advertised as part of the repertoire of a colonic irrigator. Apparently The Bumista will concoct and insert whatever blend you want
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Had something done at Addenbroke’s when I was in E Anglia; felt like they were putting the transatlantic phone cable up me.
Because I’d been starved for about 48 h before the procedure, wife and I stopped at Anglesey Abbey on way home. Too late to look round, but the car park guy said we had about an hour to eat our huge homemade quiche and coffee cake before he locked up.
When I got home, went for a dump, and – horror ! I thought the bloody bathroom was going to flood. looked in the pan, couldn’t work out what the hell was going on, instinctively grabbed the brush and rammed it down. Of course, there WAS a blockage, but it was totally coated with the remains of the barium enema, and invisible against the white pot. Until, that is, the surface was broken, at which point it resembled a mash-up of those German Christmas spiced biscuits with sugar frosting.
And that is another reason the Germans are cunts. For having biscuits that look like shit. Just like their Fuehrerin.
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Well with the questionable curries you eat maybe it put your japeyes out of order too? try doing coffee enemas to clear out your prostate. Not only will it clean the hershey highway but it gives a nice stimulant high that lasts for hours, almost a mild cocaine like high but less euphoric an more jittery feeling. Use good coffee beans tho don’t use the cheap chemically treated grounded coffee crap
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Surely you have to let the coffee cool down Titslapper?
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I only ask as some thick cunter will probably make some boiling hot coffee and pour it down there.
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No put it in your ass piping hot b&w! Of course let the coffee cool down first. You don’t want a burnt arsehole
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Milk & sugar too, B&WC?
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No sugar for me I’m bitter enough.
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One lump or two ? And just as it “comes” (apologies to Sir John Betjeman)
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Tried it, but gave up as the coffee mug wouldn’t fit and I got capuccino froth all over the floor. I’ll never be able to show my face in that Starbucks again.
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I have to say what with one thing and another this year the waterworks and the ringpiece have both had a bit of a going over TS.
This coffee enema sounds interesting. Do you know if you can get it done ‘professionally’, if you get my drift…
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I’d still recommend Starbucks; I certainly wouldn’t put their stuff anywhere near my facial orifice.
The staff are so dumb that they’d probably fall for a bit of spiel about new-age medicine, green party, knitted broccoli &c.
Worth a try ?
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You can definitely get it done professionaly ron tho it costs a fortune lots of celebrites do it, just buy a cheap enema kit or enema bulb and do it yourself
You can hold in the liquid however long you want but the longer you hold it in the more caffeine you absorb 5 minutes is practical 15min is average and 30- 1hour is overkill but some do it even longer which i think is dangerous
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Apparently Pumpkin seeds and Pumpkin seed oil is ver ygood for the prostate…grind some and sprinkle on your porridge ya cunts.
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That thing really is a cunt. My dad’s got prostate cancer and he’s got less than 2 years to live. That thing is the biggest cunt on this planet closely followed by cancer
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Its a proper cunt BS, affected people close to me as well.
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Off topic but what the fuck has happened to Gazza?
https://youtu.be/4grS2b88DbQ
The allegedly alchy coke head cunt.
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That is the saddest video clip I’ve seen for some time B&W. What has become of the great man? You’d think that a sport awash with money would be able to look after one of their own. That clip says more about the fuckin’ ‘professional’ world of football than it does about Gaza.
Come on the reds. Let’s go one better next season!
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Very sad BSC,I dont think its financial help he needs as he probably still has a few quid or can get money…he needs to want to help himself.
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I think you’re probably right. Some people just seem to have a self destruct button and I guess Gazza’s Is bigger than most. I went to college with a lad who was pissed every time your saw him – every day, every evening, every night. I guess there was only one way it was going to end and he was dead around 23yrs old.
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Cunt of an act sending that video viral the fucking shitcunt. Let’s all kick someone when they are down. Cunt
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Hi Ron. Spotted this yesterday, may be of interest https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-7202683/Blast-water-shrink-enlarged-prostate-effectively-surgery.html
As long as it doesn’t involve the fire brigade, a high pressure appliance and a 4 inch wide fire hose.
Change yet name to Ron Pee. Many blessings from the Al-Aqsaminster-kharpet Mosque 986th holiest site in Islam. Yea for it is told that the name Islam was commanded by Allah when the prophet (piss be upon him) had a dose of the Medina collywobbles and in his haste slammed the karzi door very loudly.
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Thanks Sheikh, very interesting. When I go back to Urology next year I’ll ask them about this, it might help if it’s now generally available.
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I had the misfortune to get an infection of the urinary tract (inflamed piss pipes) its not an std just one of life’s embugarances, any way as I worked with food I had to report to a Doctor and stop work.
Any way a urine sample was taken and a course of antibiotics recommended and a trip to a specialist, the bloke poked me firmly in the abdomen received a satisfactory wince from me, asked me to turn round lean over the couch kneaded my kidneys and shoved his fingers up my arse!
As you can imagine I was rather shocked and violated having not been subjected to such treatment since leaving boarding school, I pulled up my shorts and legged it,( Now I perhaps have neglected to mention that this was in Istria, lovely hot place, so my sweaty crack defiantly eased access to my inner charm or so I thought) I travelled home by tram and foot, it wasn’t until I got home that I discovered the back of my shorts was heavily stained with melted lubricant, it would have been nice if they offered an arse wipe after the inspection, but I am sure none was offered, fucking bastard Doctor.
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Probably one of The Gays. They’re all mentally-ill.
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A what state? Sorry, never heard of it. Only wimmin have “health issues” and only wimmin are aloud to bleat on about them and then get reported daily by the BBC as a crisis because of the health issues that poor woman have to face through their life is shocking, truely shocking.
We should then throw millions of pounds on boob jobs, gastric bands and teeth straightening on the NHS.
Bloke with a health issue? Man up, deal with it and fuck off.
Next please!
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I think I’ve got the prostrate the size of a pineapple.
Yes, I get up at night busting for a piss then dribble for the next few minutes. Strangely enough I piss like a 10 year old after a shag.
If I start pissing blood then I will see the Doc.
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As men we must talk abaaaaht our problems etc openly and honestly…dont talk to me abaaaaht it though…not interested.
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It really is a sign of how far services for men in this area have fallen behind women’s. You would have thought a proper screening service would have been developed for such a serious problem rather than the third world bumfoolery that’s used.
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You bring back some happy hospital memories Ron. I’ve had the camera up the dick, when I had kidney stones. But that time I knew what was going to happen. My only concern was worrying about whether they’d have a camera long enough. Anyway they seemed to manage ok. The time a doctor shoved his finger up my arse I wasn’t prepared for it. I’d have cleaned it out first if I’d known. Don’t know what the glove looked like after. I’m assuming he had a glove on. He said ‘is that painful or uncomfortable?’ I said ‘Uncomfortable’. And no-one’s mentioned my prostrate since.
A day or so after my second lithotripsy operation I was dying for a piss and went to the toilet, but nothing came out. I panicked. What had happened was the op had caused a swelling, so piss couldn’t get through the tube. A nurse had to fit a catheter. I told her, of all the women who’d touched me down there, she’d given me the most relief.
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Catheters! Shudder…………………
Sounds like you’ve had some fun days out in Urology yourself!
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