Shopping Guards

Posted on by

Shopping Guards – Cunts one and all

These aren’t the ones that stand at the exit wearing ill fitting uniforms, overweight or under nourished, watching a hidden monitor and giving you the eye as you leave.

No these are the cunts that fiercely guard their shopping on the conveyor.

Fuck me, why oh why oh why do these cunts guard the shopping from the back of their lot and not the front?

Jesus Christ this practice is endemic. Get to the front you cunt it allows more people to join the queue you selfish bastard and whilst I’m at it stop looking at your phone you cunt.

Nominated by CuntyMcCuntface

37 thoughts on “Shopping Guards”

  1. Many-a-time I have seen cunts spread their shopping all the way down the conveyor, rather than stacking it all together; and they they never bother with those plastic dividers; so you have to reach out for one yourself, just as soon as there’s enough space on the conveyor once the cunt start to load up.

    Worse still is if the cunt is on his/her own while bagging up. Never brings their own bags, and then spends ages deciding what and how many bags they want from the checkout wench; then they can’t open the fucking things; and when they do they have to allocate certain fucking foods for certain fucking bags, while chatting away to the wench, or worse a cunt on the phone!

    What seems like 20 years later they’ve finally finished bagging up, and then out comes the purse, followed by all the fucking savings coupons ever printed; and then the cunt has to decide which one to use, while also paying by cash rather than card, which means they have to find the exact fucking change right down to the last penny as if they’re doing the supermarket a fucking favour!

    But yes, some cunts are hugely protective of their shopping; always watching you to make sure you don’t pinch anything from their stack of cheap shite.

    Bunch of bastards!

  2. The woman at the til reminds me of my granny. I can almost sense what she’d say too ‘how come these glasses are x amount of money when they are suppose to be 20 percent off’

    My gran had a small dose of dementia so she would look at last months flyers as the current one and go to the supermarket looking for deals that existed a fucking months ago! An hold everybody at the counter counting pennies an asking stupid questions to the vendors

  3. The ones who get on my tits are the women who keep their purse at the bottom of their handbag. They are then surprised that they need it when they have put everything in their bags. Then they can’t find the bloody thing.

    • Yes the sheer surprise displayed by the old (and some not so old) fucking fruit bats when they are asked to pay.

      “Say what? Oh me purse, where is it now…”

      Sweet baby Jesus help me

  4. This reminds me of going to the local butcher the other week. In front of me was one of The Pony Club Mummys dressed in a gilet,rugby-shirt,jodhpurs and riding boots. I could tell that she hadn’t been riding,but had obviously just taken her fat little daughter for a riding lesson. Mummy hummed and hawwed about the organic chicken,inspected the steaks for the dinner-party that she was allegedly giving and was just a general pain in the arse. Finally Mummy turned to tubby daughter and brayed ” What would you like for lunch,Minty?”..”Minty”,who must have been all of 7,replied ” Oh,nothing from here,Mummy.can’t we have some more of that delicious jamon iberico from the delicatessen”…..I couldn’t help myself…” For Fucks Sake,I’ve never fucking heard the likes of it” I bellowed at the butcher ” Tell them to Fuck Off”…..even I was a bit appalled,and the butcher gobsmacked. I never did get to discover just what “Minty” had for her lunch as a silent Mummy and daughter paid for their purchases and left quickly.
    These disgusting ,middle-management,pony-club types are becoming endemic. I really do wish that they would just stay in their “refined country-living” new build housing estates instead of spreading their pretentious nonsense into the countryside.

    Fuck Off.

    • I’m surprised these two weren’t the sort to see the local butchers as the Gates of Hell with some New Age veganism knitting their own sandals rubbish. Maybe that’s just for the plebs. Another fine outburst anyway Mr Fiddler, as a youngster I bet you saw Star Wars and then told everyone queuing outside that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker’s father.

      • Morning LL,
        I have never been to the cinema since Jaws in 1975/6. I did make an attempt when se7en came out….I liked the sound of that one,but when I got to the cinema the lobby was full of dreadful plebby types. I went to the pub instead.
        I used to wait for the videos to come out,now I just wait for them to appear on the telly. I mainly just watch the older films on the Talking Picture channel these days.

      • Morning mr fiddler, whats jam on iberico? Sounds awful, talking picture channel has some good stuff on it, saw a military information thing aimed at teaching US troops how to behave while stationed here in ww2, was hosted by a young Burgess Meredith (yer a bum rocky) and told the yanks about not to tease the scottish highlander soldiers over kilts as they can be ‘tough customers’ so no doubt some Randy or Dwight had done exactly that and got his teeth rattled.

      • Ham,MNC…..fucking foreign ham,that’s what jamon iberico is. When there was a perfectly good British boiled ham, why the fuck would anyone want some foreign muck?
        The butcher also does his own pease pudding. I like that with ham and plenty of English mustard.

      • Ham? The daft cunts. Pease pudding! Jesus not had that in years, god id love some now, got to try and find somewhere that sells it or itll haunt my dreams!

    • People are far too keen of rugging horses these days, Cuntflap. Most horses don’t really need rugging,unless they’re clipped out for a good day’s hunting,of course.

      • Ho-leee mother of pantomime fuck! Mind you, it might be harder for Bollockburn Random Ride to roll off than a rug? I really enjoy the spectacle of a horse with its muddy rug wrapped round its croup, awaiting its everso owner’s meltdown on finding it.

      • Q: how do you tell when there’s an elephant in your bed?
        A: he has an “E” embroidered on his pyjamas.

      • Right that was pretty lame, how about this:
        Q: why does an elephant have four feet?
        A: because six inches would look silly

    • “Minty” !!! 😀 they also come up with some tripe to name their offspring!

  5. Im cimpletely with you on this nom! Fucking shopping guards! Always a ethnic normally a fresh from africa minimum wage type who thinks now hes in a badly fitting security guard uniform hes fuckin Colombo! And these suspicious cunts hate me right back!! I look like a hells angel whos let his self go or a viking on dress down friday, and these cunts ALWAYS follow me round the store trying to be covert in a closeau style, like it though when get to checkout and pay pulling out a wad of notes that could choke a shirehorse! There you go mate! Im not a shoplifter, A if i was id look more discreet and B not built for quick get away, but seeing as you weigh 6stone and are 5foot how was you planning on stopping me?

    • There is one of those diversity security types in the local Tesco who follows me around whenever I go in there. I have taken to following the cunt around to annoy him. Silly cunt tries to look unobtrusive and pretends to be shopping,not helped by the fact he is in uniform. He’ll pick up a large jar of coffee for instance and examine it closely,fuck knows why. I sidle up to him and say,ooh what a bargain I shall get one of those. It really annoys the cunt.

      • Haha, when not so busy with work, i might give mbomgo colombo taste of his own medicine, follow him from work sit on bus behind him, follow him to his house and peer at him thru his letterbox the nosy suspicious,judgemental twat!😀

  6. Having my first drink in 30 days having gone without a drop. I’m surprised I went almost all june without any alcohol but its been so fucking hot lately. I can drink in almost any depressing weather related nightmare rain, snow, hail but not in the summer cause I can’t afford air conditioning and with electrical bills nowadays fucking forget about it cheers cunters

    • Having a Belgian golden ale called Leffe, a cuba libre but with whiskey in place of the usual rum, and having a old fashioned with extra shot of whiskey It that doesn’t get me sloshed after being sober for so long I won’t have anything more
      I personally don’t care for barley wine but its alright every once in a while also wtf is a tennents supper? Never had that cocktail before

      • I stopped for 7 months in 2016 just for a reset. Then had a couple of 500ml bottles of 8% Weston’s cider and was walking into walls.

      • Causing more harm than crack or heroin? Are they serious? Just my personal view but I get tired of people deciding what’s good for everyone else. I like the occasional strong lager and it does me no harm. And even if it did, it would be my choice. My best mate for over thirty years was an alcoholic. He knew the drink would kill him and it did. He decided in his late teens to dedicate his life to booze and he lasted till he was 63. No Alzheimer’s or nursing homes for him.

      • Didn’t realise it was a budget brand high alcohol lager don’t think its available where I live anyway.

        Tho that article is pure hyperbole at its finest, more damage then heroin and crack? Fuck off thats bullshit Also if thats true then legalise those drugs too haha lol if thats the case why not I’m tired of haggling with the middleman too honestly…

  8. I have a low boredom threshold. Bored at school, bored at university, bored throughout my whole career. Now I’m retired it’s the best time of my life. I’ve often wondered, what is the most boring job in the world? It has to be supermarket security guard. They basically stand there and do nothing. I don’t think I would last an hour. Surely they have to be brain dead. Even the man who tests stool samples has a better job.

  9. I have a different take on this shopping nom, the thing that pissses me off isnt the shopping set up on the belt but if you have ever had an old fucker behind you I am sure you will have experienced this scenario.

    You go to the end of the shute where the shopping ends up to put it your bags, when all the shopping has been processed the check out person says £x , you turn round to put your card in the machine and ‘bump’ , the old fucker who was next in the queue has already invaded the space you need to pay the fucking bill.

    Fucking cunts, just wait until I have paid and keep out of the fucking way!

    • Those old folks just cannot fucking wait! It’s like they think they need to get in there at the earliest possible moment or the cashier is going to say, ‘No more customers? Oh good’ and fuck off leaving a queue of people waiting to pay.

      They’re the same at bus stops, as soon as that cunt pulls up they’re trying to get on edging past passengers trying to get off first. FUCKING WAIT!! What’s the fucking rush you’re 70 years old with fuck all to do the bus isn’t going to leave you all at the stop, they’re EMPLOYED for the purpose of picking people up not to leave you standing there as they drive away laughing.

  10. I get this ALL the time when I do my weekly shop in M&S.

    It is usually always some Womble granny who firstly, spreads all of her items across the conveyor belt so no other fucker can put their items on it and secondly, won’t move up the queue until the previous shopper has gone for dust and when she eventually DOES move, it is at the pace of an arthritic snail.

    Give me fucking strength.

    The other cunts who steam my tits are the ones who only when they are nearly at the front of the checkout queue remember they have forgotten something, so push their way out of said queue to find their fucking ‘Tampax’ or whatever it is they forgot, thus missing their turn at the till and holding everyone else up.

    What is up with that shit? Is the notion of A SHOPPING LIST an alien concept to them?

    I always have a list as I am a dozy cunt who cannot remember my own name at the best of times, let alone that I need a packet of sprouts.

    BLOODY THICK CUNTS

    • I notice a common trick, usefully performed by the ethnic majorities is to have 8 items in the 8 items or less queue, and then start adding items once they have started so they end up with around 30 items.

      Cunts.

Comments are closed.