Crisps

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Crisps are cunts.

First off, Pringle’s Adverts.

Trying to make out it’s clever to eat crisps, that multicultural, musical and groups of somersaulting rent a friends all unite over a cardboard tube full of fake flavoured deep fried potato slices makes me sick.

I hate the the fat bitch at work, nickname ‘family bag’ reaches for a bag of crisps designed for 6 people and probably contains 2 potatoes to fill her hunger, it’s not food fatty.

Then there are Americans who call them chips, no, they are crisps, chips you have with a burger or a piece of fish. (Yes I was given a family bag of crisps with my burger in Washington DC by a confused looking spam).

Fucking stupid little potato slices, they are cunts.

Nominated by Captain Cuntoff

61 thoughts on “Crisps”

  1. I have a packet of Golden Wonder cheese & onion crisps for lunch every day.

    They’re currently on special offer at Farmfoods.

    Be seeing you.

  2. Don’t forget that Jug-luggs Linekunt who makes me want to throw something at the screen every time he appears on telly.

    Crisps are noisy bastards. Rustling packets and annoyingly crunchy, I think I’d rather listen to someone scraping their finger nails down a black board. (Sorry, I mean board of colour)

    Wotsits can get fucked because they’re so fucking tasty yet require scraping orange starch off your fingers for a bloody week.

    Now I want wotsits.
    Fuck.

    • Fuck that! Crisps are fine dining as far as im concerned!
      Used to like smiths crisps, golden wonder were good, as were Tudor, but now most crisps are made by walkers who with all that money choose lineker as sleb to be their corporate face👎
      Crisps are ace on a butty, crisps are mans greatest achievement……

      • You only think crisps are fine dining because you’re from the north. I assume your idea of a banquet is sharing a box of broken biscuits in front of corrie with Uncle Mum and Auntie Dad. 😉

        Down south we’re far more sophisticated. We eat our biscuits in one peice.

      • Down south you havent got the jaw strenth to bite thru a biscuit pal!
        You pansies have to get your peaceful neighbours to soften them for you first! Jog on….

      • It’s only some southerners lack of ability to chew that you’ve got the broken biscuits for your banquets. How do you think the biscuits get broken in the first place?

      • I just assumed someone with upperbody strenth (a northerner) had broken them? Didnt think it was you n your boyfriend but thanks for the banquet👍

      • And Gary Lineker is, and forever shall be, a massive cunt.
        Thought it worth mentioning again… 😀

    • (fun fact 1) – The only 2 things that instantly stain your fingers orange :- Wotsits & pollen from Lillies

      (fun fact 2) – My Nan worked at Smith’s crisps in the 1930’s. She used to put the little blue bags of salt in the plain potato crisps ; from a time when the thought police hadn’t made Salt out to be as dangerous as Uranium

  3. There must be all of 0.1 of a potato in the standard Walker’s bag. Rattling around at the bottom of the misleadingly crispy packet. Ripoff merchants par excellence.

    • The last time I opened a bag of Wankers Crisps, there was an echo – robbing Cunts

  4. I notice Linekunt has never made an advert for Monster Munch.
    Which I am glad about.
    He’s still a weapons grade cunt however.

  5. Same thing happened to me in America. The waitress said “would you like chips with that?
    I thought oh, she’s recognised my accent, so I said yes please.
    Sure enough a packet of crisps turned up. Why would anyone want to eat pork chops and veg with a packet of fucking crisps? I’m fucked if I know.
    Lineker is a massive cunt.

  6. Fuck all wrong with crisps. Like all foods it’s how often you eat the fuckers that matters.
    Despite Linneker, I like Walker’s Sensations. Great crisps, great flavours but they try to sell the fuckers at £1.85. Yet every other week they are on offer at £1. Who would pay £1.85?

      • like Pringles. I only ever buy them when they’re on 1/2 price. Which seems to be most of the time.

      • I’ve never liked Pringles, don’t know why. Being from Leicester I grew up with Walkers and like them but even I am forced to agree that Lineker is a cunt, not that it takes much forcing. Love ham and mustard Brannigans but are they a bitch to source.

  7. Top Tip

    Empty crisp packets make excellent emergency condoms. Don’t forget to turn them inside out for The Ladies’ pleasure…the flavourings will give them a delightful tingle. I,of course,need a family-sized packet secured with a cable-tie,but I’m sure that an empty Scampi Fries packet and elastic band will suffice for most Cunters.

    Fuck Off.

    • ‘flavourings will give them a delightful tingle’

      Cheese and Onion? Worcester Sauce? Definitely not. Salt and Vinegar? Prawn Cocktail? An emphatic no. Beef? Well maybe… Beef Barbecue? Yes!!!

      • I’d recommend Marmite. I knew a falla who used to smear his wife’s fanny with either Marmite or peanut butter,they’d then get their St. Bernard dog to lick it off while he watched….said it was the only thing that really got the pair of them “up and running”.

    • Do you do anal , fiddles . Don’t mind what flavour crisp packet you use as long as it’s not prawn cocktail.

      • No way that I’ll risk my bell-end getting nipped by some traumatised gerbil, MPG.

      • What about the crisp packet idea for The Gayness? At least the gerbils would have something nibble on.

        I am confused by the Gerbil thing, please enlighten me.

        I have since enlightened myself through the magic of Google, Having had said creatures as a child I would avoid such practice, they have very sharp teeth and are extremely destructive so rectal insertion would be very foolish.

      • The Gays don’t eat crisps. They survive on a diet of Mr.Kipling’s French Fancies.

      • Guilty secret them mr fiddler, although a enemy of all things ‘gallic’ love those little gay french fancies!!!

      • I vaguely remember an allegation concerning Richard Gere with a gerbil up his arse. Any
        one else?

      • @”I am confused by the Gerbil thing, please enlighten me.”

        The Gays put small rodents up their hoops for sexual gratification. Peter Mandelson had to treated in hospital after he was scratched internally by an understandably panicked gerbil.

        There’s no need to be coy about your curiosity..

        I wonder if hedgehogging will be the next thing?

      • Thanks for asking Admin. Mr Fiddler suggested in times of emergency that a crisp packet would suffice as a condom. But he said they should be turned inside out. So there would be residual crispy bits adhering to the packet. I just thought that the Gays (who are always very much for animal welfare) should use this method so that during their sexual exertions the gerbil would at least have a nutritional food source.

    • Just make sure you remove the blue packet of salt before you lob your “massive” weapon inside the bag! Nothing worse than a salty cock – or so I’m told!

      Now there’s a thought for a new flavour – Ready Salted Cock; or Cheesy Cock flavour, or ………. that’s enough of new flavours!

      Perhaps you can create a new brand – Wankers Crisps?

      Linekunt would be in his element!

  8. Seabrooks every time for me. Reasonably priced and good, strong flavour.

    Linnecunt can go and run a sharp-edged Walkers crisp along the opening of his winking walnut, the cunt.

  9. Cannot concur with this cunting, I’m afraid. I bloody love crisps.

    I have my daily packet of ‘Walkers Salt and Vinegar’ every night as a wee snackette before bed….followed by a ‘Galaxy Ripple’ and a great big fuck-off mug of tea.

    They are my treats after trying to be good all day by keeping the calories low, culminating in the deep joy that is my M&S ‘Count on Us’ dinner.

    Frankly, I would probably get more enjoyment out of eating the fucking box.

    The only crisps I can’t stand are the spicy ones or the barbecue ones that you can smell from half a mile and are torturous to abide when some fucker is munching them behind you on public transport.

    Stinking Cunts.

  10. Sorry, no
    Had it been a cunting of Walkers crisps and Pringles alone, I might have agreed..but so long as I can still buy these, then crisps will have their place in my diet. (Honourable mention must be made here of these tasy buggers, first crisps advertised as ‘hot’ which I found actually were.)

    Walkers are cunts for the obvious reason, and the facts that they’re not that good anyway, and the amount per bag is pitiful.

    Pringles are cunts for three reasons,
    Firstly, the adverts, no more need be said.

    Secondly, the removal of the near lethal levels of acetic acid in the flavouring which once made their Salt&Vinegar beasties such a pleasure to eat…especially the ones at the bottom of the tube..

    Thirdly, the demise of the wide availability of their Wasabi flavoured beasties…ok, so maybe, just maybe, they weren’t that popular and I was the only mad cunt locally who liked them…

  11. Kettle crisps are the ones for me but bent Dennis always buys Aldis own brand which are disappointing to say the least.

  12. The description ‘Handmade’ always boils my piss, as all it means is that some cunt called Jerzy has fished them out of the fryer with a basket on the end of a stick, entitling them to charge an extra 50p.
    And companies that use the term ‘Handcrafted’ can fuck off too.

    • Sorry Willie, my eyesight’s shot with all the wanking.But:
      Sid James or it might be Alan Sugar
      Kenny Lynch and his sidekick (Fowler?)
      Nicolharse Parsons
      The wonderful Hilda Baker
      Jimmy Young

      Lots look familiar but the wanking’s done me memory as well.

      • Plus
        Pat Phoenix
        Peter Adamson
        Honor Blackman
        Peter Sellers
        Terry Thomas
        Harry H Corbett
        That bloke from “Randall and Hopkirk Deceased”
        Sam somebody, who was in everything
        Ron something who was in “Flight of the Phoenix”
        Might have been Freddie and the Dreamers
        Loads of cunts.

      • Ronald Fraser
        Shaw Taylor “keep ’em peeled” (Police 5)
        Alma Cogan (died at only 34)

    • I enjoyed that. Old fashioned celebrities, unlike todays crop of c*nts.

      • Glad you enjoyed it.

        Born in 1959 I can just about remember most if not all of those in the clip.

        More innocent and much more normal times. Boy do I miss them.

        Some more names so far not mentioned:

        Shirley Ann Field
        Keith Fordyce
        Lawrence Harvey
        Hugh Lloyd
        Shaw Taylor
        Oliver Reed
        Donald Sinden
        Eamonn Andrews

      • James Robertson Justice, as Sir Lancelot Spratt in those Doctor comedies.
        Best thing in them…

  14. I am not sure how this got past admin.
    Firstly Pringles are not crisps they are 42% potato the rest is flour
    monster munch are expanded maze flour.
    they are “snacks” not crisps, so snacks are cunts?

  15. Home Bargains is good for Seabrook’s.

    And their floor is in a damn sight better condition than M&S in Queen St. (Cardiff); latter is grubby and covered with gaffer tape. I asked them over two years ago if branch closure was imminent…

    JC, Wordfence is a real cuuuuubt.

  16. I once heard that Doritos have no basic ingedient and were invented as a kind of processed enzyme product made of flavourings. After hearing that I gave up as I felt like a guinea pig every time I ate one. While I´m on this subject, I find McDonald´s chips absolutely nauseating and doubt they originated in the humble spud. Mind you everything about McDonalds is revolting.

  17. I suppose gerbils abused in such a way could be classified as “Incremental Rodents” (as opposed to excremental, which is what they are on re-entry into the atmosphere).

    IR sounds like a branch of the Civil Service.

  18. I and Mrs Bamboo and the little shoots of Bamboo never eat Walkers crisps until they stop paying the BBC crisp muncher

  19. I’ll agree with the Captain if no-one else will. Health is ultimately more important than taste. Crisps are a young person’s snack which contain little that’s nutritious and all kinds of dubious additives. When we get older and wiser, most of us move on to healthier things like fruit and salads. We might be miserable bastards but we’re healthier.

  20. Ringos are ace… The Salt and Vinegar ones….
    Pringles are the conclusive proof that septics can’t make crisps…

  21. No, not having this cunting. I fucking love crisps, though here (Oz) the “chips” as they call them are rubbish. Anytime any of my Brit pals goes back for a visit i make fucking sure they bring back some Ringoes, Hula Hoops and Pickled Onion Monster Munch. Awful cunting ffs you’ll be cunting kebebs next!

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