A Dodgy Curry
A couple of nights ago the wife and I fancied eating out, and took ourselves along to The XXXXXXX Indian Restaurant (name withheld due to fears of possible legal ramifications). There I partook of a seemingly excellent curry with all the trimmings, washed down by a couple of beers.
Observant cunters will notice my use of the qualification ‘seemingly’. By ten that evening, I was feeling decidedly queasy and took myself off to bed, followed shortly by the missus with her book. At this point my tripes were starting to tremble alarmingly, and I sent a number of putrid guffs rattling off to the boundary in rapid succession. The wife was having none of this, and ‘suggested’ that I might like to relocate, so that she could get some rest without fear of being gassed in her sleep.
Feeling very sorry for myself, I crept downstairs and brewed some tea. After a couple of sips, my worst fears were realised. My insides felt as though they’d turned to scalding liquid and I did the crouch and dash into the loo, where I furiously proceeded to pebbledash the toilet bowl as my arse erupted like Vesuvius with a real grump on. A right pan cracker and no mistake.
Thus began a night of existential misery as I alternated between shivering on the settee and squatting on the bog as the curry did its best to mangle my guts into a pulp. A couple of bog rolls and several Diocalm tablets later, I crawled back to bed as the dawn chorus started, and slept like the dead for six hours. Come the afternoon and I ventured out of bed to try a cup of weak tea. For the remainder of the day I hobbled about like a bow legged cowboy, thanks to a raw, ragged ringpiece which felt not so much wiped as abrased by industrial strength sandpaper embedded with aluminium shavings.
I’m recovered now, but take it from me, hell will have frozen over before I patronise that fucking curry house again. This was a true shockhorror experience; literally a thundering sack of cack. They say that if you’re feeling really down and depressed, it can seem as though the bottom has fallen out of your world. Well I say, eat a dodgy cunting curry and it really will feel as though the world’s fallen out of your bottom.
Nominated by Ron Knee
How were the Memsahibs guts Ron? Did she have the same splendid repast? It’s just that I would hate to think that the reputation of a fine ( un-named ) purveyor of exquisitely spiced and flavoured dishes was tainted for no reason. Perhaps it was the beer?
8
I doubt it was the beer, worst adverse reaction I ever got from beer was a sore stomach. I assume the cook never washed his hands or had the flu. Though i’m perplexed why anyone would drink alcohol with a meal like that
Then again I’m weird don’t like drinking in public places whether its a restaurant or bar surrounded by strangers doesn’t appeal to me my anxiety always gets the best of me. In the words of George thorogood boogie blues rock master, I drink alone!
6
She was right as rain, the jammy cow. She had chicken, I had lamb, so she got lucky.
3
Just woke from a evening nap bout 30 minutes ago and I killed a bee on my knee! Hows that for the bees knees cunters haha lol I think it was a stingless bee i dunno not sure but still pretty funny how that happened
5
Stop your moaning….
Nobody died.
Snowflake.
16
Next thing, Eddie Izzacunt will be on TV demanding our money to pay for poor old Ron’s bog roll.
5
“The possibilities are endless…”
CUNT.
3
I may well have blocked the fucking sewer with bog roll that night.
4
Worst curry I ever had confined me to bed for a day back in 1989. The pain started in one lower arm, worked it’s way up to my chest and down the other arm again.
Some serious poison in that. King fucking Cholera or summat. I thought my time was up.
Glad to hear your poor balloon knot is recovering well, Ron.
8
Thanks PM. Thank fuck we don’t still have to depend on Izal is all I can say.
1
I had a dodgy takeaway whilst at university that put me in hospital for 10 days, with another 2 weeks recuperating at home. Turned out I’d contracted acute gastroenteritis and I spent the first week lying on my face scrunched up in a ball with stomach cramps and a very dangerous arse sticking up in the air. Sadly I’d had several takeaways the week before and the Environmental Health Officer who came round to investigate couldn’t narrow it down to a specific one. Have treated takeaway food with suspicion ever since.
3
Should add that it was more than 3 months before I had a dump that wouldn’t go straight through a sieve. Fucking nasty experience and one I really wouldn’t care to repeat.
3
Funny story Ron I’ll say a prayer for your O ring. I’m quite fond of curries, I make them sometimes whenever I got the energy. Had some excellent red curry the other day with my mum and brother at a nice thai restaurant sunday before we went to a film
The prices were decent I suppose but a tad bit exorbitant and charging extra for rice the fucking cunt bastards but I guess I should consider myself lucky compared to what you went through
8
Never understood the attraction of this spicy ethnic shite, im happier with english food, if the dog wont eat it i wont eat it. Maybe the ”cook”muhamed, hadnt washed his hands after wiping his little brown arse? But curry? Fuck that shite! Im having steak& ale pie or tater hash no peaceful food for me!
14
Your making me well hungry now Miserable northern cunt.
Let’s go out and get a steak & Kidney pudding with mash peas and loads of thick gravy 👍
5
My tastes are pretty varied Mnc, I ‘ll eat whatever if its good I love English food too made some yorkshire pudding last week when i made a lovely beef stew to go with it Red thai curry don’t knock til you try it m8
3
Thanks TS
It’s more or less back to normal thank fuck!
2
Going back to my youth after a night on the beer then a curry on the way home used to have regular clear outs of foul smelling detritus often felt like I had actually turned inside out and being young and pissed tended to eat the tindaloo, phall curry so the ring sting was equally as problematic don’t know if it caused a problem long term or actually created a perfect working internal system.
On another track we have a really good Thai in Bognor from the outside looks a bit tired and run down but the food never is.
8
Poor old Ron, but can’t you not help wishing a similar fate had befallen Gaylord Adonis, Anna Soubry , duckie Dommy Grieve or even the Abbopotomus?. In the latter case the bog pan would have disntegrated due to overuse.
Just hope you had plenty of V.I.Poo in the house, although I haven’t seen it advertised recently
7
Bloody hell WC I’m surprised the Flabbott’s bog pan doesn’t shatter from the mere act of her squatting down on it
4
For whatever reason I had this thought of reincarnation pop into my head. Imagine popping your clogs and coming back as a toilet bowl and all those years having people sit on you filling you with their shit; pissing & vomiting all over you, day in day out, week in week out……
….why am I suddenly thinking of Jeremy Corbyn right now?
12
My sympathies,Ron.
I think that I may have written before about the time that I overdid it on the Guinness and curry. I was on the tractor/winch the following day when I felt my guts gurgle like an unblocked drain and realised that I only had seconds before I back-fired. I jumped off the tractor (no easy feat while trying to keep my legs together and take tiny steps),pulled my boiler-suit and kegs down and let rip. It was just a stream of lumpy black water,I actually wondered if I’d contracted Dengue Fever,or the like.it was so vicious. After patting and smearing the last few drops with some reachable dock-leaves,I pulled up my pants and boiler-suit…unfortunately,I apparently hadn’t got the boiler-suit out of the way of the stream of molten shit and as it pulled tight around my shoulders,I suddenly felt the semi-warm lumpy soup seeping through my t-shirt and running back down towards the crack of my arse. I quickly pulled the boilersuit and t-shirt off and pants down and tried to use them to wipe the effluent off myself…no fucking good,by then it running down the back of my legs and into my boots…did what I could, admitted defeat and pulled the sodden pants back up so that I could get in the pick-up and drive home…..that was when I noticed the lad whose job it was to pull out the winch-rope had returned and was watching me with an amazed expression…..I told the Cunt to keep his fucking mouth shut and tell the rest of the lads that I’d had an emergency and had to nip home……the Cunt must have run back down the hill to tell them, and then presumably told everyone else within a ten mile radius….I even had someone present me,with great fanfare, a pack of Huggy nappies in the pub a few nights later.
Utter Cunts.
23
You should be glad it happened in the days before smartphones, otherwise that lad will be standing there with phone in record mode ready up to upload your lower-leakage-issue to either YouTube of xHamster – depending on his perversions.
12
I bet you saved loads not having to buy fertiliser, every cloud and all that. I bet the carrots tasted lovely…did it affect your organic soil certification? I bet you didn’t tell them did you.
5
Hilarious story Dick it had me laughing, cheers
3
Agreed. 😊😊
Ron, I’m convinced you’ve got a sitcom series in you. Whatever you do though, please don’t fuckin’ give it to the BBC.
6
Thanks Dick. Sounds like you’ve got the t shirt yourself from the above!
3
A most entertaining cunting Ron.
Love a nice chicken vindaloo me. Been a devotee since 1973 and never had so much as an upset stomach, though have had a fair few sub standard meals.
Once enjoyed an incredibly hot phall in Birmingham during the mid ’80s that literally made my teeth shake!
Only time I had an similar experience to Ron’s was following a meal at the local Thai. Childbirth couldn’t hold a candle to the pain and indignity I endured that night.
11
Most Curry restaurants make a variation of the same Curry these days . They were much better in the 1970’s, lots more flavour. My cousin was a hygiene inspector, he said 90% of Indian Restaurants have appalling hygiene standards. One near me was threatened with closure recently. It was a very popular one in our area.
The cheeky cunts put up a 5 star hygiene rating after the inspector left.
10
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger Fenton. Probably explains why Indian food is so popular…
5
And also why there are so many of the cunts RTCP
3
Love a vindaloo me, not many get the balance right though.
3
Morning B&WC.
The ones I had in the ’70s would put the majority of today’s curries to shame.
4
Thanks RTC.
At least I lived to tell the tale.
2
Ron’s been taken down by a fucking Indian Reg.
Ron I was feeling decidedly grumpy a few minutes ago, thanks mate. Suffering for you art, funny as fuck to read.
Now you need to capitalise on your suffering and offer the rights to the BBC, there’s a six part drama in this tale.
Of course it will focus on the suffering of your wife and you’ll become a brute a husband who racially abused the Indian waiters and drank the bar dry before getting home and beating the wife.
Danny Diarrhoea as Ron Knee
Emma Thompson as Mrs Knee
Sadiq Khan as an Indian Waiter
13
And Black and White cunt who robs them all and spends the money on Crack and fried chicken…your show is racist.
6
Of course it’s racist, sticking it up whitey is why the BBC exists. I think it’s deplorable you hiding behind your fucking suntan pretending to be black and appropriating black culture.
But here we see you’re white sensibilities rise to the surface as you shout racist just cos our pilot highlights white porcelain privilege!!!!
5
Please address any concerns to blackandwhitecunt@itsthewhitemansfault. Org
3
Email is racist, read the fucking smoke signals
1
You seem pissed off SV?
1
Nah mate, I’m just entering into the tone
1
Do you want to sort it out?
We’re you joking when saying “I think it’s deplorable you hiding behind your fucking suntan pretending to be black and appropriating black culture.
But here we see you’re white sensibilities rise to the surface as you shout racist just cos our pilot highlights white porcelain privilege”?
I hope so as anyone reading what I said would know I was pissing about.
4
I was kidding mate, white porcelain privilege was reference to the toilet. I guess it didn’t translate as humorous, nothing malicious behind it tho
2
One love and respec me bredren. 👊🏽
3
In it blud
2
Sixdog the only way Wireless 4 would take this would be for the midday misery memoir, and Ron would have to become a destitute homeless Iranian asylum seeker without a pot to piss in, his wife would have to be one legged, and in danger of losing the other one. And the cello player would have to be free to record the maudlin sig tune they would use. Unless they use the piano player who can only play the black notes while wearing boxing gloves.
4
A Pâki playing an Indian waiter would be grossly disrespectful to Indians. Indians hate Pâkis.
4
I hate them both RTCP… Although I have another date lined up with a proper sexy Indian lady.
3
Gotta drive to the Midlands though, she better cook me some good curry after all my efforts.
4
How dare you sir, you’re an upstart! My wife is of Indian descent… 😂
2
RTC
Funny cos the cunt has got away with portraying himself as the mayor of London for the last few years.
2
And he’s been grossly disrespectful to the office of London Mayor, boom! boom!
2
Apparently I have some distant indian in my ancestry via Jamaica… I am a bit of a hateful, confused and bitter cunt.
3
To be fair, B&WC, my wife isn’t that keen on Indians either.
3
Some Indian women are extremely hot!
I worked with one and she could stop traffic.
5
As could my missus… 25 years ago.
5
My ex did as well – with her fucking face.
3
Great idea Six, except the missus won’t want that luvvy cunt Thompson to play her; she can’t stand her!
2
Mrs cuntsville and I are borderline chilli addicts. We put them in everything except a cup of tea.
We are lucky to have one of those unassuming Bengal restaurants that serves amazing food.
Bonus being that I’m on very good “business “ terms with the owner and reciprocal back scratching results in a 75% discount every time I’m there.
They have a 5 star food safety rating and they haven’t decided to poison me just yet.
However I had a jalfreize at another restaurant a few years ago and in the words of Mickey Flannagan the result was akin to emptying an old radiator.
9
That’ll fuckin learn ya- I wouldn’t touch that foreign fuckin muck with my dog’s cock.
Stick to proper English food- pizzas or kebabs for instance.
16
In India, when advising about food, they say, “Cook it, boil it, grill it, or forget it” to avoid Delhi belly. It sounds as if you had some warmed-up slop that’d been festering in the fridge for a while or perhaps they’d run out of soap in the chef’s khazi.
Toilet paper, jaldi, jaldi. Hello please.
10
That was probably ‘Todays Special’, which day though, is another matter.
8
I reckon your guts acclimatise to curry after a few decades. Didn’t Spike Milligan claim no bugs could possibly survive in a good curry?
I would blame a dirty glass like I do when I have a bad hangover.
7
as a kid I was almost killed by a meter of sugar cane.
I bought it off a street vendor in Ikeja (Nigeria) he cleaned it off with his machete and I happily munched away.
fuck knows what was on the cane or the machete you can only puke and shit so much before you die in the tropics.
I ended up in a bath of cold water (and shit) drinking re hydrant with my parents toying with the idea of chucking me on the next plane out of there.
I got better, never touched sugar cane again though. (have to say parents were very sympathetic and wouldn’t get within a couple of meters of me and confined me to the bathroom)
8
I have worked with the sugar refiners in Natal. There are numerous organisms present on raw cane, not least from cane rats. You were lucky to survive at all.
5
It sounds like a metaphor for Brexit, it promised so much but ended in a shower of shit and a problem with a backstop.
10
…and the purveyors of the shit are unwashed foreigners pretending to curry favour while we want a Naan Deal Brexit. Korma is a bitch.
Hello please.
6
Something highly embarrassing happened to me while driving through Eastbourne a few years back.
I’d had this Curry and needed to vacate my bowels immediately. I pulled over and stuck my arse out of my Mini Cooper and proceeded to squirt this hot liquid onto the kerb , meanwhile 2 horrified school girls were passing and started to call me a filthy cunt etc, this was before mobile phones thank Christ otherwise you would have seen me on YouTube . They probably need regular counceling since they witnessed something so disturbing.
13
I think you’ve invented a new perversion there – paedocoprophilia.
The nearest I get to eating foreign food is a can of Princes Mild Chicken Curry with Uncle Ben’s Wholegrain Mediterranean Vegetable Rice. About once every three months, that’s enough for me.
3
The most nauseating news this morning, fucking media going on and on and on about
‘Andy and Serena’
For fuck sake, who gives a (curry) shit,
10
A close second is news that Brexit is impacting kids learning a foreign language, as this was the BBC they omitted to say the language was English.
10
Also Brexit is giving Tesco’s a headache. Shame.
3
Just caught a bit of Jeremy Vine. The question about them turning their backs yesterday. The first one, a comedian, wouldn’t answer directly. ‘I have tickets to sell for my show’. The next celeb woman. Again didnt want to give her view. ‘I’m trolled enough on Twitter’. So they were invited onto a current affairs talk programme and when asked about a current affair they wouldnt answer, wouldn’t even talk about it. The way things are going. No debate at all.
I suspect they might have supported the protest.
3
Which I did. Great fucking symbolism that. Their backs turned. FUCK OFF !!!
6
Of course Wireless 4 were outraged by their *disrespect* Evan Davis, the old pansy almost cied about it to Nigel Farage on PM last evening.
I hope the Brexit Party continue to upset the BBC and Islington and the nancy boys in parliament
4
The Kleeman woman on Sky press review last night- ‘How pathetic, they turned their backs on young people playing ode to joy, how childish’. Oh fuck off. What about them wearing yellow t-shirts with ‘Bollocks to Brexit’. Printed on it.
5
What a tawdry place that European Parliament is. You can hear the plywood creaking. Fucking flimsy affair all together.
Compared to our Pugin marvel I mean.
Never was much of a fan of old Beethoven but that music has been fucking ruined. They ought to change the title to ‘Ode to Misery’.
1
The bias these days on the BBC is appalling. It is a shadow of what it once was. Most of its programmes now are not at all challenging. They just pander to the cosy middle classes. Fuck em
5
“Just caught a bit of Jeremy Vine”…
Another name for man flu?
2
Well Corbyn’s not well according to the civil service. He’s looking ‘frail’. Maybe a new colloquialism- a touch of the Jeremies…
2
Curry… One of the finest cuisines available and the hotter and spicier the better for me.
Quite like eating the leftovers for breakfast, best to find a decent curry house and stick to it. If all of a sudden you get ill from the trusted place it’s probably a new staff member.
I gave got iron guts.
7
Not as bad as a dodgy tuna baked potato I had from a college cafe last year. Within 3 hours I was sweating, then I projectile vomited on a train going home. They had to isolate the carriage. Then I was then sick at home and off work the next day. WTF was that bug? Never had tuna since.
4
Perhaps worth noting that a lot of so-called Indian* restaurants don’t actually cook the stuff on offer. It comes from a warehouse in the Midlands full of microwaveable or reheatable prepackaged portions. All the restaurant does in the culinary line is the bare minimum required to fill the air with that authentic fried-onion-and-spice smell. The better ones probably make their own prepacks. and premixes. After all, compare the time it takes for you to get your bhuna lamb after ordering to the time it actually takes to get a lamb stew tender. Plenty of opportunity for Mr. E. Coli to jump in and do his filthy work.
But the ring of fire suggests that a concealed chili slipped down unobserved as you wolfed, and detonated later.
* Very nearly no such thing nowadays: they’re all Bangladeshi.
7
That’s right Komodo, they have there lamb and chicken ready cooked and tender and reheat it with abaaaaaht 4-5 present made sauce bases depending on what you order.
Got to watch the takeaways that when you open it there is a 2cm layer of oil on top.
5
Most of them say “Indian cuisine” as hardly any are Indian. Bengal, Bangladeshi, Moghul, all the fellas sans moustaches from Muslim places beyond the partition.
Search for ‘Dosa’ restaurants or ‘Chennai’ ones in your area. Dosas are delicious, breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
2
Indian and Italian have got to be the best veggie cuisines CM?
2
Yes, definitely B&W.
Have you been to Farmacy yet near you? Not as good as Tibits off Regent Street. I could spend all day there and no nuffink abaaat it.
4
Not yet CM, will check it out soon.
2
And the sauces come in Ocean-going tankers from Bombay
1
You cunting puff , you haven’t got a clue what the Bombay trots are like unless you have suffered it in India….like I have ( more than once ) .Lays you out for a couple of days never mind one night and no luxury of a golden Labrador to wipe your ring piece on.Diacalm! don’t make me laugh that wouldn’t even get near the Indian super bacterias that generate deep in yer bowels.Special extra strong yellow pill along with antibiotics and probiotic tablets took almost 2 1/2 days to get me to risk a fart again.
You Cunting great jessie.
9
Been to India and hot the Delhi belly but it’s the water. Some cheeky cunt in the restaurant came over and pretended to ‘open’ a bottle of water which he didn’t really it was tap water put in a used bottle.
That’s what messed with my guts.
The cheeky Ravi cunt.
7
Go veggie if you visit India but even then it’s not safe. I bought a pakora for three ruppees from a street vendor in Pushkar and had to almost live in the shower for 24 hours. It was coming out of every hole.
Nonetheless, I shagged a beautiful French bird there so ‘Danyay wad, Karma. Ba-oot acha.’
6
I feel your pain Ron. Funny how it’s invariably a curry that’s dodgy….. but of course the nationality of the cook explains why.
7
Where would we be without Indian cooking?
The Indians who went to the Carribaean heavily influenced my beloved Jamaican food… Curry goat etc and Roti’s are massive in Trinidad.
Think abaaaaaht it next time your eating a shitty Coronation chicken sandwich…even the Queen thought it worthy of stealing for her coronation and getting curry down her posh trap and consequently stonking out Buckingham Palace with her farts.
Go and eat some kedgeree and go fuck yourselves.
😁
6
Great to see McLaren back on the rise eih B&W cunt!
….hoping for a podium this season!
3
Too right DTS, still miles away from the front but long overdue progress. Still think we should have stuck with Honda power but we’re beating Renault using their power units so bodes well for chassis/aerodynamics.
That Norris looks decent and British as well.
Get Ron back and fuck that yank Zac Brown off.
2
Great cunting……
I’m lucky enough to have only had the shits once in the last decade, and it was nothing compared to Ron’s poopscepade.
Maybe I’m just double ‘ard…..
3
If you really want to make a scene try a wetherspoons vindaloo and a few pints of westons ‘old rosey’ cider.
I did that in the Brunel in Portsmouth and redecorated the platform at Portsmouth Harbour.
6
A couple of pints of rough would do that unassisted in my experience. Best to have a couple more and pass out in time for the episode.
3
I’d never risk the shops in the area I live in. Two have received one star and a third one was closed down by enviromental health altogether. I don’t even risk fish and chips these days, Mrs. Boggs gets the Birds Eye stuff and cooks it herself. Our local chippy got taken over and ponced up and now it does everything – kebabs, chicken etc etc. It’s very popular though, 10,000 flies cant be wrong.
3
When I worked in Seffrica the Charos (Indian Saffas) used to bring cold bunnychow in for breakfast. Hot bunnychow is good but cold, greasy, mutton curry at 8 am not recommended.
3
I made the foolish mistake of eating a Japanese curry and nori roll combo from a place that wasn’t staffed by Japanese. Later at work I was found in the shower curled up issuing milky green fluid from both ends. One now takes great care to find out the origin of whom is making my katsu don.
3