The female orgasm…
This isn’t an invitation for all the wannabe Lotharios on is-a-c to start telling me about how I need to get more ‘experience’ or grow a bigger cock. Those things I am well aware of.
Some background—I am a 30 something guy, shockingly average sized penis but nonetheless pushing into triple digits on the lady-front. Some asians, some latinos, posh brits, chavs, some wannabee models and more than a few land-whales—a solid equal opportunities mix. Don’t pay for it, except that Filipino in Hong Kong who tricked me with a game of Connect Four, but that’s another story.
I would be the first to admit that my technique could be improved—I would never be so arrogant, a man can always work on his game. But I have experienced enough screamers and enough stiffs to realise that, unlike the glib comments by the fat slags on daytime TV, it isn’t men who are the problem—some women are just unbelievably difficult to get even the slightest murmur out of in the bedroom.
Yes I get it, every women is different. But it is the sheer lack of consistency that pisses me off. It’s like taking a nice shiny car for a test drive—it looks good from the outside, but jumping behind the wheel you find the pedals swapped, the gears in reverse and the sound system glued on Radio 4. The Ford Fiesta you had the other day was screaming her head off, but this Renault won’t get out of second gear. Why? Why am I spending my precious evenings learning a new set of controls like I am in trying a new Cessna in Microsoft Flight Simulator, or just doubling up my gym routine on some unresponsive tart—I could be doing better things, like reading or washing the dishes. I guess it comes to a point in a man’s life when bad sex just isn’t worth it anymore.
Thankfully I am getting to the age when some of these bints have the courtesy to say ‘I’m sorry but i don’t think I can cum tonight’. Thank god! It’s the equivalent of the engine warning light coming on. No need to fiddle with it anymore, finish off what you are doing, grab a beer, leave it alone until further notice, maybe have another go in the morning (their brain is less self-loathing at this point) and plan your escape to greener pastures.
We all know it is in their heads. All this chat of ‘knowing how to use it’, girth, blah blah…. It’s all just cover for the fact a shockingly high proportion of women cannot get into the right headspace to enjoy sex until you make them feel comfortable, like they are some fucking puppy moving into a new home or something. This is not going to happen—I mean, what a ludicrous investment proposition! Keep fucking me and maybe, maybe, I might enjoy it eventually. Or parachute out of that clunge and go hunting for a less damaged specimen. Easy choice in my book.
If this was men cruising around the dancefloor not sure whether they had the right mental fortitude to maintain even the limpest erection then I think we would all agree that that person was wasting their fucking time. It is just plain manners after all. I don’t pretend to know how to salsa dance so I don’t seduce women with the promise of my salsa repertoire—that would be false advertising. Why do women seem to get a free fucking pass when it comes to the bedroom? (don’t get me started about padded bras, how is that allowed in this day?)
So women of the world—sort your headspace out, find out what gets you off, produce an instruction manual, pass it to me while I am fingering you in the taxi home, and stop wasting men’s precious time with mediocre sex. Cunts.
Nominated by Dick Malone
What happened to the Muslim Council of Great Britain thread?
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Banned under sharia law.
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HA HA HA ! :0)
Don’t mention The Muslim Council Of Great Britain.
Religion Of Peace.
Nothing to see here.
Afternoon Mr. Creampuff.
Afternoon GCHQ.
Get To Fuck.
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Afternoon Jack 🕺
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They have cunts trawling the net looking for that sort of stuff.
The title would obviously attract their attention. Then it’s on the phone to the old bill.
Then some cunt is fucked. Welcome to 1984.
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They are not the only ones. It may be that one of the comments mentioned another very sensitive bunch.
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FFS! – not the LGBTQXYZ/PC Squad again again???!
Our man Pob’s doing well Komodo.
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I hope you’ve got your glasses with you today Admin.
JUMBO PILOT…….. Air traffic control, we are coming in to land.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL ……… Can you just do a few more circuits?
JUMBO PILOT ……..What do you fuckin mean, you’re just going home to fetch your glasses?
😂
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Maybe the mellorphant man is a closet slimy…
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Fuck knows, I was talking down a jumbo, come back and the whole lot has gone, I am Guessing the legal team wiped it.
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or death threats via the contact form?
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Seeing as I am in an underground bunker, that’s not really going to affect me is it?
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Only if that suicidal elephant falls on you.
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What do you mean “I was taking down a Jumbo?”
You Ukrainian or sumfinck?
You’re supposed to keep them up in the skies!
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Admin, apologies indeed if my impassioned comment on said nomination contributed in any way to the removal.
What can I say, it came from the heart. And I meant every single word.
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Let’s hope The Flabbot doesn’t come across this site.
Although she wouldn’t know who the Flabbot is.
Would she?
She cant read
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I sill remember when long-dead site Don’t Start Me Off was killed in its tracks by fucking Mary Beard.
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Ah… that explains why she’s never been cunted here then. I’ve often wondered.
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Then how did she even get her Masters in diversity studies?
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What you fail to realise is that women do not matter.
Who gives a fuck if they experience an ‘orgasm’ as long as you shoot your muck?
Average cock here too, have slept with some tight birds and some saggy birds, funny how it is the lazy cunts who don’t look after their cunts by doing kegels that complain about small cocks. I fucked a 45 year old (no kids) who bounced off the walls coming all over the pub toilets who was nice and tight and filled her up and a 30 year old who was as loose as my shits who I couldn’t feel and who couldnt feel me.
She said I can’t feel it, is it in? In a smug way. I said, no I’ve lost my boner, your cunt is a mess.
Slags.
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I normaly find that the anal insertion of a mailed fist livens them up.
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Now you’re talking zilla.
Bum sex is the way forward.
Have you ever tried a fist ✊ up your anus as far the givers elbow.
Heavenly bliss
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The starfish was designed for one way traffic, one way traffic only MPG.
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It’s a well-known fact that a bloke’s starfish is a one-way valve, but a woman’s is primarily meant for inserting things, secondary function shitting themselves whilst giving birth.
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Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think we care.
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This is my mate’s line, Cap’n. ‘How do you give a woman an orgasm? Who gives a fuck?’
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I take great pride in my sexual performance and normally always get the slag to come… At least I think they do.
Once I’ve shot my load I want the lady to fuck off sharpish though.
What is it with Women wanting to lay there hugging you and chatting shite? Get downstairs and make me some dinner ya cunt and if you can’t cook get down the takeaway shop. Go fuck yourselves
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The hugging routine is torturous bollocks and shows how pathetically needy and frankly childish some of them can be.
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They need the emotional connection apparently TECB, For them it’s all emotional blah blah blah.
They are far too emotional and needy and God help you if you get one with Father issues.
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Having had a very interesting sex life and education (past tense I am afraid) my biggest turn off was squawking prostitutes, the ones that really over exaggerate, second biggest were the ones that answered the questions to the quiz on the radio whilst you were banging them, third was a little confusing, when their mates come in and they start chatting about what to do after work (whilst your banging them).
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Isn’t it awkward when you pay for an hour but have 55 minutes left?
Noughts & Crosses.
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worse one I ever had was a Korean, she spent about 20 mins massaging me, I started to think I was in the wrong sort of place and felt embarrassed to ask her for a fuck.
She pulled my toes! what the fuck was that supposed to do?
If she had of started by pulling my middle single toe I would have been happier.
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Lord Benny, there’s no such thing as a Happy Beginning.
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“second biggest were the ones that answered the questions to the quiz on the radio whilst you were banging them”
Holy shite. Imagine that happening with University Challenge on in the background.
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you need to go to Hamburg mate,
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Presumably because the women are good at TV quizzes during sex?
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no it’s like a chocolate box, so much to choose from.
I remember one Girl on the reeperbahm who had her hair pulled up and banded like a palm tree, leather bodice and a whip.
I was more scared of her than my RSM.
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Or eggheads
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I know this may come as a complete shocker to you and I am very, very sorry to break it to you but…..
…..you are never going to be able to tell whether a woman IS getting off or not.
Ever heard of faking it? Even the ones who are screaming with you may not actually be getting off, so even your batting average may not be as high as you think.
It always amuses me that men get so fucking offended and paranoid when a woman doesn’t come. Why are you bothered? It certainly isn’t for their sake, it is just an ego thing in most cases….some caveman chest thumping about how good in the sack you are. The fact of the matter is…..and this IS A FACT…..most women DO NOT orgasm through sex because it is physically not hitting the right spot. Women mostly get off through having their clit stimulated which is why they are more likely to come MULTIPLE times through masturbation or you taking the time and consideration to go down on her. Unless that spot is hit during sex, I am afraid that it is probably a no-no in terms of her coming.
As I say, even the ones you claim have screamed their tits off probably didn’t come, not through any failing on your part, but because statistically, they won’t.
Maybe it is YOU who needs to up your game here? Good foreplay helps and from my perspective, that is pathetically lacking in most men. As soon as their cock is up, they are on you like a dog in heat. Calm the fuck down perhaps and try getting a woman in the mood first, instead of just cocking off in a hot second.
Mediocre sex? Sex takes two people to make it mediocre, FYI.
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I’m aware of this so I rarely bothered waking my wife up, not that I could tell the difference.
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You lucky sod.
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There speaks one who knows. I’m not a promiscuous cunt, but clit first and the rest follows, if it’s going to follow. It’s a shame that the aftermath for males is a temporary but total disappearance of lust, while herself is apparently experiencing a warm pink glow not unassociated with babies and bonding…if you remembered the clit. But that’s life. Remember the Secret of the Universe as revealed to I forget who on acid?
Higgamus hoggamus
Woman’s monogamous;
Hoggamus higgamus
Man is polygamous.
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Just to add, I for one enjoy sex whether I come or not and I reckon most women do too. Having an orgasm is the icing on the cake, but if it doesn’t happen, no bloody big deal (not for me at least)
Just to also add, not that I am a big slut of course. Mother Theresa probably had more notches on her bedpost than me.
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They were probably bullet ricochets, you slut 🙂
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What a cunt! I was thinking of Flossie Nightingale.
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Naaahhh Mog, I bet she was getting a good seeing to left, right and centre, old Flo Nightingale. All of those soldiers around (as long as they weren’t too infirm, naturellement)
Any port in a storm during wartime, methinks.
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Florence Nightingale was a velvet-tipper.
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Was she really, Captain? Those treacherous, cunt lecturers never told us that nugget of info when we studied ‘History of Nursing’.
Would have made that dull shite a damned sight more interesting.
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Apparently. Furthermore, she was staunchly religious as well as criminally ugly so not in your league of beauty Nurse C, although like yourself, a great professional.
Incidentally, now being pushed by the pc imams is Mary Seagrove, a just-as-good-as-Florence black nurse (or as black as Obama) who came from ‘hardship’ and Zzzz….
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Shit I was going to hit on you! I have receding gums from a previous std so you know I have technique.
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Fantastic post Nurse; bang on the money. I’ll own up to spending a lot of time licking the bean in my life, hoping that the recipient was getting half as much pleasure from the procedure as I was.
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Latest medical findings show the clitoris is approx 15cm/6″ long and two-pronged, shaped like a wishbone. The two parts descend either side of and are wrapped around the vagina. The nub is merely the sensitive end of a much larger and more complicated organ.
Perhaps if more women knew how their bits worked, they’d be able to orgasm much more easily.
But also, there’s a technique which causes an orgasm in double-quick time – approx 30 seconds from a cold start! Do that first, then when she’s stopped twitching uncontrollably, you can concentrate on yourself.
The technique: (lots of lube required, then) your middle two fingers bend and go inside, with the index and little fingers resting on the labia either side. Move your whole hand up and down, quite fast & not in and out, so the labia are stimulated and the internal fingers cover the extent of the slit. It helps if your other hand presses down just above the bladder area, to restrain the wriggling which occurs. Happy cunting!
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Far too complicated.
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You miss the point Miles – 1/2 minutes wiggling from your hand leaves her sated and compliant, so you can enjoy yourself without stressing about what she wants (as she’s already had it).
Try it – it really works!
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Here here! it certainly does and you can tell she’s cumming because of the uncontrollable shaking and sweat.
Just don’t fall into the marriage trap that follows.
When she knows you know how to make her cum, then she’ll mither you into marriage and as soon as you do the sex will drop from daily to monthly (we went from 12 years of daily sex, with 1 in 5 weeks up the bum, to twice a week, to once a fortnight and then finally after our first wedding anniversary to the day after your monthly row).
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Mingbiter. You know when you had work out how to get the wheel off then how to get the tyre off then you had to put it in in a basin of water to find out where the puncture actually was?That’s how I find ‘pleasing a woman’ sexually. A fiendishly difficult task.
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What pisses me off about the unfairer sex is how they are the self-appointed judge, jury and indeed executioner of all sexual matters.
It’s as if every aspect of fucking has to be met with approval and comment from the all-knowing shitcunts.
They have to be pleased, they have to have their stinking quims appropriately stimulated, they need to be the sole fucking focus of the whole show.
Meanwhile, you get made to feel as though asking for a blowjob is some kind of heinous taboo – I’ve only ever been with one solitary woman of those I have fucked who actually enjoyed the act of fellatio. All the other cunts just went through the motions and made what should have been Earthly paradise into a guilt-laden chore.
So when it comes to considering Wimminz orgasm needs, they can fuck right off. Sex, as far as I am concerned, is for me to focus on what I enjoy, and that’s that.
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Careful going down on your lady cunters… That Michael Douglas cunt got throat cancer drinking from the furry cup apparently.
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It probably says more about Catherine Zeta-Jone’s radioactive gash than anything.
I wonder if doctors have warned him to not venture into the Welsh cave?
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I’d have risked it for a go on Catherine Zeta-Jones 30 years ago…not now,obviously…she’s a wrinkled old biddy now.
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Catherine zeta jones welsh? I fucking swore she was a spainard or a mexican Don’t go down on women, quite frankly I don’t see the point
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The Curse failed. Only works three times. I knew I shouldn’t have sourced the eye of newt from the Chinese medicine shop. Javid out -still, glad he’s gone – and the pustule Pob continues to the next tedious stage, and is now in second place.
Decision time shortly.
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A good way to warm them up is to cable tie their hands and feet behind their back, and totally gaffer tape their face up (leaving only a solitary straw protruding from one nostril, so they can breathe. A bit).
Showing them the plastic sheets, meat cleaver and bin bags at this stage normally animates them, as well.
Works for me, anyway……….
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You thoughtless, brutal monster Zil. A straw in this day and age.
Psh.
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Straws are due to be banned, I believe. Something to do with saving the whales ??
Rubber, however, is ecologically sounder, and can be washed clean with tepid soapy water…
2
Female orgasm indeed…..they’d be going some to get there before me.
A lady I knew told me that her best orgasms came when out exercising her horse. Funnily enough, I sometimes shoot my load too when out with The Hunt…the hounds in full cry,the thrill of the chase..it’s all too much..it’s not easy bellowing “Tally Ho” at the same time as creaming one’s breeches.
Fuck Off.
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Painful memories, Fiddler, Both of learning to rise to the trot and having one’s nads propelled rapidly inwards and upwards at every stride to mark my failure, and of the horsey women I have attempted to interest in my many charms.
They ride horses for a reason, and you have discovered it. Only one’s huge fortune will tempt them to other means of gratification, and even then it is humiliating to be cuckolded by an Arabian gelding, as one will be.
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K…. Not joking here, I seriously wonder if we’ve crossed paths in real life in the past.
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I certainly wouldn’t rule it out. Ex-Forces? West Highlands?
4
Don’t know,just one of those feelings.
3
Probably our rather various careers have some common features. I might recognise you if we met, without actually knowing you. Sort of thing.
4
well have a chat on arse.
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Maybe you two knew each other in a past life? Come to think- maybe Captain Magnanimous could come on with his ‘hypnotic eyes’ symbols and we could all have an ‘regression’ session find out who we used to be?RT was a priest in the 18th dynasty of The Egyptian old Kingdom.
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(-) (-)
Now RT. I want you the relax. Put all thoughts of out of your mind. Including Israel. Now just let your mind drift back further..further…where are you?
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Miles, all I can see are tits. Do you mean these….
((-ㅎ __ㅎ-))
Miles….you will put down Evelyn Waugh…. and pick up….. some Somerset Maugham….
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I’m in a boncentration bamp Miles…
What a silly bunt.
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Yes an image is coming to my mind oh he is very cruel what are they calling him …Commandant Ruff Tuff…
Now I hear whelping…the sound of a horn…a tail…is it a fox? vanished in the undergrowth… I feel I’m being carried along….what could it mean…have you an affinity with beagles Captain?
And there’s a frightening figure on a horse…riding recklessly…I seem to be passing ‘The Towers’
A lizard before eyes…like some Aztec monolithic statue or something…what could it all mean.
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@Lord B –
I get the distinct impression that Mr Fiddler is as antisocial as I am, so no. This is the better site for me, anyway.
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So what did happen to the MCGB thread?? If there was 1 comment that may have gone a bit over the top why not just remove that comment? Someone mentioned GCHQ, they haven’t actually got the power to remove threads have they? Have we actually reached a situation where criticism of Islam is not allowed ?
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let’s pretend it never happened
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Fuck me – have I inadvertently stumbled across the online version of Cosmpolitan?
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The g spot or the cunt spot or whatever is a myth Women don’t have orgasms , they have shopping sprees They are all fucking little entitled princesses and stuck up cunts
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I believe there was an Aussie radio phone in, bit like Mr and Mrs (if you remember this, you ARE showing your age). Anyway, DJ gets Mrs Aus on the phone and asks her what is the most unusual place she’s had sex. Bear in mind, Mr Aus has already answered this, and Mrs Aus will get a prize for saying the same. She goes all coy, but DJ badgers her into answering. Remember, this is all on live radio. Eventually, Mrs. Aus gives in and says “up the arse”. All goes quiet. Mr Aus has said “kitchen table”. End of radio show and, quite probably, DJ’s career.
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For all you men who really want to be a woman.
A new TV series (pardon the pun) starts on channel 4 soon, it’s called drag SOS..
Can not wait for the positive reaction of my fellow cunts.
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And Ch4 wonder why their viewing figures are dropping.
Fucking arseholes.
3
Orgasms are not always crash bang and wallop!
I watched a porno version of The Invisible Man but I missed the climax.
Never saw him cûming.
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Hey thats jr cuntleys job you are doing he’s the joke telling cunt here take your jokes and git going sonny On second thought hes not here today carry on sir
3
Mediocre sex? I wouldn’t mind getting some of that. It would be more than what I’m having now. Thing is, if it’s a new bird, you never know what their reaction’s going to be. My best ever was making one come by nuzzling her stomach. One of my worst was with a girl who told me she’d only done it once before, she had lost her virginity to her previous boyfriend when she’d been drunk and passed out. I spent three months patiently talking her into it, then afterwards she sat there with her cup of tea and said “I didn’t like it Allan.” That didn’t do much for my confidence. And she finished with me before I got another chance.
6
As a dedicated Wanker of many years standing I must confess that I much prefer Jerking the Gherkin to having consensual sex with another human being.With the aid of the Internet,a Wanker like myself doesn’t have to worry about pleasuring some slag,or catching some nasty disease or being turned down just because I’m fat,old,smelly and ugly.Nope,Spanking the Monkeys the future for me but although I’m a Great Wanker I would never stoop so low as to buy a Sex doll,no matter how realistic and attractive the modern versions.I have my pride you know.
6
In bed with the ex wife when she announces “you’ve never given me an orgasm.”
“I didn’t know you could have one love but knock ya self out.” Says I. “Just don’t wake me up when you do.”
Some women come easy and some don’t come at all, it’s not necessarily a reflection on a mans handy work. All said and done orgasms or the lack of them are controlled by the mind, repressed sexual response and other shit that’s irrelevant once a blokes shot his load.
3
You should say this to your exwife sixdog “How do you expect me to pleasure you my lady, when you won’t let me shitfuck your cunthole?” worth a shot
4
Uckk, useless cunts, your just not taking the time to titilate us properly. You have to get the juices flowing. Its 40% mind, 50% clit and 10% penetration. A wee flash of the cock will first engage the mind, make her think she’s sexy as fuck then get started on the clit. It needn’t take longer than 5 mins. Even the smallest of pricks is good enough given the right amount of flattery and clit work.
1
This post firmly belongs on an an incel forum.
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I enjoy a good squirter, they are few and far between mind.Cunts.
3
I don’t know why any man bothers having sex with a woman anymore, they’ll only turn into ‘rape’ 20 years after the fact and destroy your life.
The advantage of being a woofter is that ‘mutual satisfaction’ is pretty much guaranteed in the ‘Big O’ regard, without having your work cut out. Plus, here in Wales we don’t have to worry about the Arse Injected Death Sentence, because outside of Cardiff and Swansea, we don’t have dark keys and parking stanleys. And sheep don’t have it either (before someone inevitably throws that in). That said, I personally have relinquished chocolate whizz-way fun as my diet is so high fibre that the bomb-bay is never truly empty enough to avoid the embarrassment of a ‘corn on the nob’ scenario.
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