Modern Day Porn

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I only have fond memories being a child in the seventies. It was fucking ace. We never stayed indoors and weekends and school holidays were spent walking in the countryside in small gangs, not the modern day gangs of hooded, surly, weed smoking idiots, armed with knives and looking for trouble… no, our gang usually consisted of between three and six lads armed with jam butties and an “Alpine” bottle filled with water.
We would wander far and wide, playing “Army”, enjoying the countryside and the weather, remember ’76, would it ever end? Happy times.
It must have been around this time that on one of these expeditions I found my very first porn mag. What a moment. I can still remember it like it were yesterday.
We were walking over a small rise, heading towards a hedgerow running along a long lane when I spied a patch of white in the vibrant green hawthorn….as I approached I shuddered with trepidation, could it be? Dare I believe….. we’d heard stories told by others of how they had found bongo mags in bushes, we wanted it to be true – but was it? Was the elusive grumble mag, hidden deep in shrubbery, placed there by some pornographic pixie for the benefit of others, a myth… or reality? I was about to find out.
As I neared it became clear it was a magazine… one of my mates reached in and seized it, we gathered round….the front cover was missing….the contents page…..YES…. Mayfair! The excitement almost was to much for a six year old to bear.. we opened the pages and looked with wonder at the forms on display. Some pages were harder to open than others, we couldn’t understand why.
We took it, deep into the woods, and read it from front to back… in awe. I swear I can even remember a story… it was called “Max and Yvette”… it told of their copulation illustrated with soft porn photography.
After we finished I felt like I was now a man. School would never be the same again. We hid it again and made a pact to leave it there. I recall visiting it more until the sad day came that it was no longer there. Was it one of the gang? or had it just fulfilled its purpose and moved on?

My point is this. The above reminiscing was real and was a moment in life to treasure. Children today will never have the feeling that I had finding my first porn mag in a bush and it’s a shame. The reason is modern day porn and the accessibility which the internet has given to anyone with a mobile phone. One click and anyone can access the most extreme porn imaginable and it’s a shame.
Porn mags are no longer deposited in bushes, the pornographic pixie has long gone. Innocence is dead. Max and Yvette are in a care home in the North.

Modern Porn Is a Cunt.

Nominated by HenryV

64 thoughts on “Modern Day Porn”

  1. I despise modern day porn and rarely get a semi from most of it.

    All gonzo and fucking rosebudding and exaggerated screaming. I actually find it quite repulsive.

    As far as I am concerned, films from 1986-1995 approx are the ideal. Variety, women who didn’t all look like coke-addles vagrants and some excellent European stuff. I saw my first porn film aged 13, a tape I stole, called ‘The Face’.

    Magazines sadly passed me by in the main. I’m afraid I was all about the VHS-fuelled wanking, instead.

    • Phwoaarrrrrrrr
      Phwoaarrrrrrrr
      Phwoaarrrrrrrr
      And fucking Phwoaarrrrrrrr!!!!!

      Concur with all.

      Isn’t brilliant that all of us from late 30’s onwards will have had a similar experience.

      I think I was about 8 or 9 before I saw my first porn mag but had already been ‘studying with vigour’ my mums Kays Catalogue well before that.

      Brilliant, I love this cunting and so true.

      Who remember’s the Seekers porn of the early mid 80’s.

      I used to bunk off school with my mate and watch those.

      Anyone remember Buttman, still one of the best ‘An American Buttman in London’

      Apologies for any spelling errors my eye sight isn’t dmdndnnsjsnsmz

      • But an in Beverly Hills was a classic. Remember it well.

        Also used to get off on my aunts old Kays and John England catalogues. The buxom women in the lingerie section were something else.

      • I meant Butman in Beverly Hills. Fuck predictive text – I hate it.

      • Don’t think I’ve seen that one MMCM, thanks for the heads up I visit Xhamster shortly!

      • Glad to be of service. For some reason I have an encyclopaedic knowledge of porn. I can’t think why. 😏

      • That’s interesting. Krav doesn’t get any further than
        A – for Arsehole.
        😀
        ps I hope he doesn’t see this or he’ll start boasting about Justin Bieber again.

      • I did once wank myself dry as a teenager looking at pages of a catalogue, not sure which one, where a selection of amazing legs were shown off advertising blue heels and skirts.

      • Big black muffs behind see through patches on white knickers.

        Oh fuck me, this is too much.

  2. I can remember the first REAL porn ( not fucking Mayfair ) I saw. They were a small collection of black and white photos this kid had found in the glove box of his Dad’s car. They were very dark and seemed to consist of young naked birds kneeling on the floor.
    I said to my mate “why have these birds got a chair leg in their mouths?” After much laughter it was pointed out to me that the “chair leg” was some spade’s massive black cock.
    That was embarrassing.
    For some reason later that night we posted them through the letter box of a shop.
    Happy days.

    • It’ll never work, just like their success in “banning” access to all the other forms of streaming sites. For every site they do try to block access to, another 20 mirrors will appear.
      Not to mention the sheer amount of porn “tubes” there are in existence, I mean type any pornographic thought you can think of into DuckDuckGo and you can guarantee there are countless “tubes” dedicated to it. It’s an unstoppable force really, they would have better luck banning access to snapchat or something (which coincidentally is a great place to find “real person” porn)

      I’m not remotely worried about not being able to find porn anymore, it will still be as easy as ever to find. I guess that then brings us full circle to the cunting in point.

      • It’s the thin end of the wedge. They’ll be coming for ISAC next.

        Was nice knowing you folks…

      • Most of ISaC can cüm for itself thank you and frequently does! The load of wankers.
        😄

  4. When porn was rare and forbidden it was more exciting. Even those fake sex pics in Whitehouse and Lovebirds were super exciting. And anyone remember those small black and white contact mags like Experience? They were crap as well, but the small black and white sex shots were somehow very arousing. The contact ads, however, were full of dogs.

    But the problem then was that you had to pay exorbitant prices to get the real thing and could be ripped of.

    I remember a guy I knew at school who sold me a hard core Scandinavian mag for a fiver, a lot of money then. The Cunt then nicked it from my bag. Anyway, I got my revenge when I heard later that he had pursued a career as a gay porn star and died of aids. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but it serves the cheating cunt right.

    At least now pornographers consumers can get most of what they want for free and the scope for rip off merchants is less than it was in the 80s and 70’s.

  5. At last,something Im an expert on.I agree modern porn is shite but the great thing about the internet is that you can access the good old stuff.Simply type “Vintage Big Tits”,”Vintage Hairy Pussy”,”Vintage Lesbians” etc press enter and the worlds your oyster.What a no good wanker of a cunt I am-but I fucking love it, and I tell you honestly, I love it if when I beat away, love it!

  6. Great cunting. Being a similar age this brings back fond memories. Our school bus stop was next to a pub and I remember finding a few jazz mags next to the bins. I made a nice earner selling individual pages for 20p each..after keeping the best for myself.
    Mayfair and penthouse were great but Whitehouse Quarterly was too much for us 12yr olds!

  7. As a notorious Wanker, I have to say that modern porn is 100% better. All tastes catered for and an endless supply. It’s also a lot easier to wipe a computer screen. Although I do miss not being able to unstaple a headshot,poke a hole in where the mouth is.and stick my cock in it….proper POV porn that…I do still do it occasionally if I can find a magazine with a Gemma Arterton spread in it…well I used to until Mr.Patel banned me from the newsagents.

    Fuck Off.

    • Yes MrF, but you forget Mr. Patel didn’t ban you for staining his magazines, it was that day you exposed yourself to his wife.

      • She’s gagging for it,BSC…I can smell her juicing up whenever she sees me..a heady aroma akin to a sardine madras curry….anyhow, I was actually perched on a ladder peeping through her bedroom window that day she caught a glimpse of “the python”…nowhere near their fucking shop.

    • Agree Dick, modern porn is 100% better.

      Still get a bit nostalgic occasionally, thinking back to the ’80s and my treasured collection of jizz mags: Colour Climax, Swedish Erotica, Teenage Sex, Rodox, Sexorama, New Cunts – just a few titles that cüm off the top of my swollen bellend.

      • Fiona Bruce would need the smelling salts if you rocked up to an Antiques Roadshow with your wares Creampuff. Forget all that 18th century bollocks or Clarice Cliff pottery, here’s some nostalgia from the archives of the Creampuff Manor collection.

      • Sadly they’re all long gone LL. I bequeathed them to my wanton niece Trîgglypüff…

        (She probably weighs one ton and all!)

  8. I got home late to find the wife’s lifeless body on the kitchen floor.
    As I looked down at the corpse, I decided to have one last fuck.

    Two minutes in, I’m banging away when suddenly opens her eyes and shouts ‘BOO!’

    Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head….

    • I put some flowers on my wifes grave the other day.

      Bless her, she thinks I’m digging a pond.

    • A vicar checks into a hotel, gets his room key and asks the manager, “I trust your porn channel is disabled?”

      “No” says the manager, ” its able bodied you kinky bastard”.

    • Lady Elton must subscribe to Weasel Weekly for the more experienced gay, his arsehole must be like the Catacombs of Paris.

    • That was one of best cuntings ive read! Brought a nostalgic tear to my eye! Alpine mineral! Us kids used to chip in together to buy a bottle racing over the fields to buy it off the lorry. Finding wankmags in bushes was a rite of passage wasnt it? Miss it.

  11. You forget to mention the flip side of finding a grumble mag in the bushes, which is the excitement approaching it, only to find it was a Screwfix catalogue or sum such.

  12. Far too late, but thanks to this cunting, I am now able to ‘process’ my ‘feelings of shame’ upon discovering half a copy of Beaver Gals in the shrubbery in 1964, and realising that Health and Efficiency was very far from the last word in porn. (Note for youngsters – the pictures in this were black and white and had the hairy bits dodged out) I had contemplated ‘counselling’. ‘mentoring’ and maybe a course of ‘therapy’, but you have saved me the trouble and expense.

    I subsequently became a frequent visitor to a literary establishment in Praed Street, which gave you half the cost back if you returned the magazine untainted, and taught me the value of a cleanish sock early in my career.

    • Beaver gals something bout that title sounds cliche of Canadian parody porn like i bet it had nude girls in lumberjack outfits wielding axes and dildos or dildo axes even…

  13. What a fantastic cunting describing my entire youth. I remember the first one I found. Had a black lollipop lady spreading her legs. I was quite innocent and didn’t understand what I was looking at. Found a few over the years after that. Never really questioned the likely sinister circumstances as to why the magazine may have been in the park bushes. I agree it’s too readily available on the internet but not complaining.

  14. It’s just weird like most things nowadays… Those spam one gets of Disney ‘Frozen’ characters with big tits (It’s a kiddies cartoon! What the frigging fuck?!), or the deviant cunts counting down until stick insect Emma Twatson was eighteen (aren’t there enough real and good looking women in this world?)… Now there’s ad for an ‘XXX’ Game Of Thrones game…. And ‘adult comics’? What the fuck is that about?! It’s like all these Harry Potter, Marvel, and Game Of Cunts saddos letting their depraved tendencies out… Whatever happened to real women, eh? Now real women aren’t the order of the day… When I was a lad it was Mayfair, Club, Men Only and Knave… These things were currency when I was a kid…. I once did a painting job for an old bloke who had a newsagents in New Moston… Sam (RIP) was a top bloke and he said ‘I can either pay you, son. Or take it in stuff from the shop. Anything you like’. I was 14 at the time and I raided the top shelf instead of the fags and mars bars… I kept some for myself and I also more than tripled my money when I flogged the others at school… As the lovely Mary once sang, Those were the days, my friend….

  15. I am currenly starting a petition to demand that people are able to take pornography breaks at work. I feel that this would help to relieve the built up frustration and monotony that the working day often brings and would lead to a long term increase in productivity. For further details please contact me ………..
    D Green. c/o House of Commons.
    WANKERRR

  16. **late news just in
    Complete fucking arsehole and tsunami of a cunt Alyn Smith SNP MSP he who called out Brexit Party as a money laundering front has just agreed to Apologise and pay legal costs of Chairman Tice !!!!!!
    What a penis

    • Cumnock – I’m sure you could raise an army of Scottish exiles south of the border and retake your homeland – a sort of Braveheart in reverse!

  18. I remember a school friend bringing For Men Only in for a laugh (and probably a quick wank). it was full of hairy axe woulds and saggy tits. It was fucking repulsive. I dont think i bothered looking at porn again until i got hold of some better magazines in my late teens with decent looking birds with nice tits and trimmed nether regions.

    Personally i dont like porn that focuses on genitals too much. It becomes an anatomy lesson, and one cock pounding into some meat flaps looks the same as the next.

  19. Superb Cunting Henry,
    I can remember my mates dad worked at Gatwick Airport and would seize super 8 blue movies back in the early 70’s. When he went to work all us 13 year olds would throw up a white sheet and watch such amazing smutty films such as Gobling Grandma and Beatnik Bedlum. If I ever see vintage films nowadays on Pornhub etc I still find it highly erotic more so than all this modern fake bollocks.

  20. Internet porn is mostly clap with gonzo and tattooed minging slappers clapped out with having to do 150 scenes in a year just to make a penny.

    However, the internet does have its uses, looking up the names of favourite porn stars from those old mags and videos and then downloading whatever else material they did, a whole new world of masturbatory pleasures.

  21. Oh those halcyon 80’s days of Ginger Lynn, Amber Lynn and my filthy favourite, Traci Lords. A true, monkey-spanking extravaganza!

      • Ah yes, I recall Marilyn apparently had no gag reflex whatsoever. She swallowed old John Holmes during one film (didn’t take much notice of the title, but I recall the scene was in some deserted gym). He was very large indeed.

        Swallowed him right down to the root. Crazy girl.

    • Rachel Ryan, before she went blonde, was fucking white-hot.

      So good that even Michael Keaton wanted a piece.

  22. Apparently David Sullivan had a sign above his desk saying BLOW JOB OR NO JOB.
    Things were so much simpler back in those days.

    • He lives up the road to me and is a massive cunt. His wife is a mail-order ting-tong and lives in a separate house on his “estate”. Mind you, he’s made millions of single blokes happy.

  23. That is brilliant and the alpine was a cracker and as kid they were building a WD & HO WILLS cig factory circa 1972 the biggest piles of jazz mags and scandinavian art pamphlets dumped hedge porn i had ever seen and the of likes never will and wasnt dumped into skip it was put stacked in hedges and a lot of them in pristeen condition and teasey weasey raymond was cunt with men only and mayfair and when you are kid that age you want to look at the cunt pics not stories and current affairs
    ian dury does a song called razzle in my pocket
    In the 80s never trust a building worker in your house
    you are at work and the mrs decides to go shopping and as the soon as the door slams knicker drawer and under the bed looking for the mans stash
    and nice one i did about 3 years ago was when one of the wifes relatives died and i found his slash stash and i took his lonely books and hedge dumped them and took a pic for nostalgia
    And a brilliant cunting m8
    and i always wanted to be on one for the ladies

  24. as a personal note.
    I thought this was a wonderful post, in my younger years I found a copy of “over she goes” about the size of a battle comic book. slow motion photography of a lady dressed as bo peep, falling backwards over a log.
    I got to see her knickers and everything!
    My mum found them, I got into loads of trouble and she confiscated them.
    Later in life I discovered that ladies girly bits were covered with a fluorescent “discount star ” I have to admit at the age of 17 I was quite suprised to meet the snail.
    altogether I found the post to be well penned and very reminiscent of my own childhood.
    thank you.

  25. Modern porn is too simulating, seriously my cock is fucking broken right now , i don’t how I did it or remember how I injured it so badly but thanks to modern porn my cock is out of order for i dunno, god knows how long probably a few weeks at least. Must of choked my chicken a little too much these last few months,I Guess its for the best really.. let it heal up,pretty soon its gonna be so fucking hot out i won’t even think about wanking it. Hot humid mucky weather always chastise’s my mind an cock

  26. Still chuckling at this post and reminds me of charlie and the choclate factory when he got his golden ticket and the weathered and insect eaten ones where you could just take them out one by one and you end up with a kays catoluge of women in bras lol

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