Barbers and Hairdressers

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A short-back-and-sides cunting for Barbers and hairdressers, please.

I utterly despise visits to get my fucking mop cut. Give me dentists, give me hospitals, give me any fucking medical ordeal going and I don’t fear anything. But trips to the barber genuinely fill me with a fucking unspeakable dread. No word of a lie, I always put it off for as long as I can.

The best barber I ever had never said a fucking word – a no-nonsense, no-talking Northern motherfucker who never even thanked me for tipping but that was just how I liked it. Now, I’m stuck with a mouth-breathing, bald Turk and I don’t have a fucking clue what he is saying 70% of the time. Without fail, when I tell him I want the usual trim, he cracks the same bastard joke – “not azz a-short den mine eh uh huh huh”. I’d just love to scream at him to fuck off and die, but this unhinged kofte-gobbling subhuman might just slash my fucking throat with the razor.

And not to mention of course the ever-present peroxidey-ammonia stench, the guaranteed blaring radio tuned into Magic FM, the uncomfortably close proximity to the cunts, the pointless litany of monochrome posters featuring models with that Morrissey-tier fucking quiff (seriously, why are they even there), the loud fishwives bringing in their scum progeny who always get served before you, the cuntly pricing of cuts designed to be an awkward sum which railroads you into tipping them an undeserving amount…

I fucking despise the whole experience and if my psychopathic tendencies were just that wee bit stronger, I’d just shave my bonce myself with a grade 1 at home and be done with the fucking cunts for good.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

43 thoughts on “Barbers and Hairdressers”

  1. Ah yes,Old Geordie was my “barber” when I was a child. Everyone got the same cut,no matter what you asked for. He’d been in the Army and just continued to use the same cut on civvy street…a cut in the shape of a Nazi helmet,which always made people question just which side he’d been on in the War. Poor old bugger got dementia in his later years,not that it stopped him,he just continued hacking away with his “signature” cut as if it was still 1939.

    • When a 20something with good looks, white teeth, thick dark hair i used to like the ritual of the barbers, got me ready for the weekend! But now im nearing 50 my nut resembles a tennis ball a dogs chewed, male pattern baldness the snidey cunt has robbed me of my locks! So shaven headed now, or i look like roy kinnear😧 shave it myself though wouldn’t ever pay johnny foreigner to do it, only thing id give them is bus fare to airport.

      • Nothing worse than an obvious comb-over (Fucking hell! I have just done a Google for “comb-over” and rather than expecting some old bald cunt with a few strands of hair neatly combed over his bald dome (Rab C Nesbit syle); I see shitloads of Hipster cunts, with their wanky beards and awful hair styles! WTF!?)

    • Ha ha ha ! I used to endure one exactly the same, as a kid.
      He was the Henry Ford of barbers.
      Any cut you like, as long as it hugs the skull.
      Ironically, I do my own now, with exactly the same results.
      Morning Dick.

      • I,of course,still have a magnificent head of hair.Just the odd fleck of grey to add a touch of gravitas to my imposing appearance. Indeed,with my aristocratic Roman nose and patriarchal features,the ladies often remark that it’s like being tongued by a more manly version of George Clooney….then I pork-sword them.

        Fuck Off.

        Morning,Jack.

  2. Nobby’s Dartmouth Road Forest Hill. Hair cut whilst supping from a can of McKewans lager.His mates sitting watching taking the piss.A bit like Desmonds but they were all white .One cut fits all, you could spot a Nobby’s cut from fucking miles away the cunt.

  3. Cant you find a booby blonde to cut your hair who gives you an eyeful of cleavage while she stands in front, snipping and jiggling?

    • There is a curiously attractive woman at this Turk’s place every so often but beware – they use sheets which have a clear transparent area where the crotch is, so they can see if any ne’er-do-wells are contemplating something untoward with their hands!

      I can’t imagine who would want to wank in a barbershop, especially with that mad cunt baldie there at all times, but clearly someone already has…

      • Fuck me Empire we really could be going to the same barber or are they all Turks these days with mono chrome pictures of Morriseyesk hair do’s!

        Great cunting and some great observations!

      • The sheets probably zip open for those who want a pube special – ‘Gentlemen, prevent a cold by having your short and curlies singed’

  4. I love my barber, he’s ace.

    He does a cracking hair cut (if not hung over) he swears, tells racist jokes, sexist jokes, gay jokes and banters with/takes the piss out of his shortarsed lesbian employee and the other girls who work for him but they give back as good as they get.

    No snowflakes in that establishment (and believe me our town has plenty of the stuck up, middle class twats).

  5. Mine is smart. Two women, early 30s, good tits. and look dirty. Only cut mens hair, always a que to get in. Nit sure if they cut well.

  6. In my experience, hairdressers don’t know the difference between one inch or three, as my hair is always shorter than I asked for. Even when I show them a picture of what I want they get that wrong as well.

    • I take a picture of my own hair the way I like it to look on my my phone and they still can’t get it right. Should I ask for a refund? I mean I’m not taking a photo of some model that’s been ‘shopped it’s me, you SHOULD be able to make it look like that.

      • Oh there’s some consumer laws about it, never felt compelled to go down that route unless they hurt me or my hair falls out.

        The dim wits that have bodged my hair colour say ‘come back and we’ll rectify it’. Like I’d trust them a second time!

  7. I always felt incredibly uneasy about going to the barbers. You just never knew the mood of the person about to cut your hair or a good old fashioned wet shave with a cut-throat razor!

    Piss the guy off over some careless comment and he might just fuck your hair up, or leave you with a little nick just above the collar that you don’t notice until much later when someone in the office remarks “You’re collar is covered in blood! You’re bleeding, ya cunt!”

    Fortunately I just kept my trap shut, laughed at his shite jokes and let him get on with it; making sure to tip him so that he wouldn’t bear a grudge on the next visit.

    • Christ what’s with all these people tipping hairdressers? They’re just doing their fucking job, I tip them nothing.

  8. Great cunting TECB. I abhor queuing, so haircuts get left months beyond requirement.

    What the fuck is it with that hand held mirror they use to show you the freshly-coiffured back of your bonce ? It could be a photo of any random cunt’s noggin – Who the fuck could identify the back of their own head from a line-up ?

  9. Had my hair cut last week, (previous shearing was mid January) and the wonky-eyed wench announced that I have “strong hair” – what does that even mean – her scissors are blunt ?

    Despite being almost 56, I do, however have a decent amount of hair, but the surrounding floorspace looks increasingly like some pervert’s shaved a badger.

  10. Most of these £8 barbers are ex-offenders who learned their “trade” whilst doing time for peddling drugs, conning septuagenarians out of their life-saving, or fiddling with under-age whelps.

    Going anywhere nice this year? Probably Belmarsh.

  11. Been using electric shearing tool and mirror for years. Let it grow a bit, and when you get around to trimming it people will say what a nice haircut you’ve got if you fail to avoid them. The trimmer cost me the price of two haircuts at the Iraqi Kurdish joint – exactly as described in the cunting – and is just beginning to show its eight years’ age. Helps to be ambidextrous, though, (or have servants to do it for you).

  12. What is it with Turkish barbers springing up all over the place? What have the Turks got to do with cutting hair?

    I’ll swear half of them are eastern Europeans decked out with brown make up and a fez.

    • Think it’s a national thing. The one thing you can always find in Turkey is a barber, and he won’t be a mincing stylist either. Was pleased to see locally, about five doors down from a shop labelled ‘Turkish Barber’, another, labelled ‘British Barber’. The difference in customer quality was striking.

      Turks are ok by me, incidentally. Would consider living there.

  13. Ain’t been to the Barber’s for abaaaaaht 30 years… Learnt to cut my own hair with a mirror in one hand and Wahl clippers in the other. Used to cut other cunts hair for money when I was at school being the entrepreneur that I am… I was good at patterns and tramlines way back in the early nineties… Way before the whities copied tramlines and cut partings etc.
    Now I am a mostly bold cunt it’s a simple skinhead… The most timeless of haircuts, and the only one you won’t look back on in years to come and be embarrassed abaaaaaht.
    A message to the white cunts get the skinhead look like the early non racist ska loving proper skinheads and to the black cunts get a skiffle (skinhead).
    The ladies love a skinhead ard looking manly cunt not some utter wanker who stands in the mirror ‘styling’ his hair with hairspray.
    Like this bellend.
    https://images.app.goo.gl/XxCBVhMSJojivByK8
    A simple message to any balding cunt… Shave it you muppet or if your a sissy get a Wayne Rooney.
    Now go fuck yourselves.

      • Thirty years B&W? I can beat that. Haven’t been to a barber’s for fifty years after I started going to my cousin’s salon. She retired a long time ago but I still go up to her house every couple of months and get it cut exactly the way I want. Also get it washed and blow dried with a scalp massage thrown in. I’m not big on relatives in general but she’s brilliant.

      • You must have saved a wedge of cash Allan, you’ll no doubt buy us all a pint at Christmas via PayPal, Western Union?
        😁

      • Oh I don’t know about that, I’m out of practice buying rounds. But I do pay her, I don’t get my hair done for free.

  14. And you have to pay for the privilege. Good cunting Empire. Totally agree. That’s why I bought some electric hair clippers and now do a self-inflicted 9mm about once every two months. I look a cunt when I’m finished. But not as big a cunt as a “Turkish” babbling barber.

  15. My usual barber, Terry, is the only English one in my area. He’s been in the same shop for nearly 40 years, way before “our greatest strength” flooded in from eastern Europe and the death cult community. The other half dozen barbers on my street are either afro / Turkish/ polish, all quite cheap and usually busy. Despite being not terribly busy and always on his own, dear old Terry cuts my hair for free (I do tip a tenner for a £13.50 job) in return for dropping round a bag of rubbish (mostly hair and tea bags) to put in my dustbin as Southampton City Council wants to charge him £270 per month to take 2 or 3 bags of rubbish!
    The last few years, despite being only in my late 20’s in my going bald. Good old Terry always jokes about my bald spot getting bigger, once even placing a digestive biscuit on it or suggesting I become Jewish and wear one of them tea-cosy things. The only thing I don’t like is he always wants to wash your hair before cutting, even when your fresh out the bath! But as he says, he’s old school, like it or lump it. Respect for that.

    However about a month ago Terry was closed and I needed a hair cut and beard trim before a weekend away so I decided to try the new polish one down the road. In I go, ask how much for hair and beard, “£8” said the little blonde with the Borat accent. On she goes, doing my hair, shows me the back of my head, starts taking off the the shoulder burka. “Excuse me” I pipe up. “You haven’t trimmed my beard yet”.
    “No” she says “No men beard, men beard not nice”
    After a discussion she then tries charging me £12 for just the cut because my hair “was long for a man”. I couldn’t believe the cheeky slagski so I ended up refusing to pay, she called the police who stopped me on the street a week or so later, inviting me for a “chat”. I refused and haven’t heard anything since.
    Hoping this comment goes through moderation. I’ve tried posting a couple of times in the past with no sucess.
    Merry Tuesday fellow Cunts.

  16. There’s a top barber in Bury (near Mcr)… Says next to fuck all… But get him started on the foreigners that now infest the old market town and he goes like the clappers… Nice bloke and all… He also charges a fiver flat for a gent’s haircut… All these ‘Turkish’ fuckers charging a tenner for the same thing? Fuck that….

  17. Thanks for the tip about the 2nd mirror and using the feel of it to do the back, I’m a diy barber too now.

    No fit British barbers near me, the gypos all use them, so fuck that.

    I hate queuing and always go when they’re quiet, so I asked my butch barber how she manages to pay the rent, to which she promptly advised that she cuts about 100 heads a week at £10 a throw, plus extras in the evening (mobile friends and family)… £1,000 a week, ALL CASH!!! and she’s shit. Make that 99 a week now 👍

  18. Used to have a old skool Barber doing me barnet a few years back in his one man band little shop. Mens haircuts, something for the weekend, dads mags under the counter and a pint and a piss in the pub over the road while you waited in the chair, or a quick piss in a pot behind the curtain if he was in a hurry..

    He even did a nice sideline in 1 minute chiropracticy and I saw him snap a few necks back in line between barnet trims. Bizzare goings on but proper haircuts, proper mens talk and prices to suit the working pocket.

    All such local joints have now gone and have been replaced by those of the local enrichment variety. Another sign of our culture having a short back and sides..

    Empire Strikes Back, if you’re ‘itchin for a decent english hair cut in a like sounding town, you’ll find it next to the church, just ask for Mark!

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