Snooker Commentators and Presenters

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Snooker Commentators and Presenters

If the avatar didn’t give it away, I do like me snooker (as well as happening to resemble, from the right angle, a certain Mr. O’Sullivan’). It’s not for everyone mind you; it is of course only tenuously considered as a ‘sport’, and matches can indeed be dull as fuck.

But to a man, all the ex-pro snooker commentators, presenters and comperes are cunts. A precis here on each, thereby allowing me to cunt a number of fuckers under a single nomination, like the cheating bastard I am:

John Virgo (BBC)
This stiff-necked, hunchbacked cunt should have been put to pasture when Jim Davidson went bankrupt. The champion of dull, dry, obvious statements, the cunt has now been reduced to orgasmically screeching “Where’s the cue ball going”, even as it gently bounces off the baulk cushion.

Willie Thorne (BBC)
An otherwise forgettable cunt only notable for slightly resembling John Merrick and having a bald head for his entire existence.

Rob Walker
This lanky streak of piss is the cunt who introduces the players during big tournaments, and interviews them post-match too. An over-enthusiastic cunt who resembles a cross between Bez and that scary bloke from Stereo MCs, this craggy-faced fucker’s paper-round must have been in fucking Mordor.

Peter Ebdon (BBC)
Nicknamed ‘Psycho’, there genuinely isn’t a strait-jacket tight enough for this bug-eyed autistic champion of fucking boredom. When the match on the table next to his is long done and dusted, Ebdon can be found still fucking chalking up to break off the first frame – his eternally slow play is suspected to be responsible for at least one of Ronnie’s mental breakdowns. A vegan to boot, the cunt.

Joe Johnson (Eurosport)
Legitimately makes more noise breathing into the mic than he does talking.

Colin Murray (Eurosport)
Strictly this cunt isn’t a commentator but a presenter for the bigger events, and is probably the only one on the list seriously worthy of his own nomination. This fucking cunt I believe also does Talksport and the odd BBC event which conflicts with Clare Balding’s trout fishing schedule. It’s bad enough that the cunt has an unbearable Belfast accent and Groucho cunting Marx eyebrows, but the enforced banter he foists upon his co-pundits is just excruciating to watch. As Murray uncontrollably laughs at another of his own jokes, you can just tell that Jimmy White wants to beat the fucker to death with the butt of his 2-piece maple cue.

Steve Davis (BBC)
This fucking cunt has had some kind of extended mid-life crisis for the last five years. When ‘The Nugget’ (also nicknamed ‘Interesting’, ‘Mr Snooker’ and ‘Cunt’) isn’t so far up Barry Hearn’s backside that he can literally speak the words out of Barry’s mouth, he is otherwise cultivating a bizarre personality as a DJ, promoting all kinds of experimental German industrialist turntablist wank. The fucking cunt seems to be oblivious to how ridiculous he looks and worse still, he’s showing the tell-tale early symptoms of the BBC SJW disease.

Some say Alex Higgins was unfortunate to die starving, penniless and frail. I personally think he had a lucky escape judging by how cuntish most of his peers became.

Snooker loopy? Cunt off.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

Can I add Stephen Hendry who sounds as judgemental, steely, unforgiving and intolerant as a virginal Calvanistic lay preacher, with piles, forever saying “that was an unforgivable mistake” and implies nobody is as good as he is. The self important old cunt seems to forget his last professional TV match was piss-poor, full of mistakes and mis-cues. Judge not, brother Stephen, lest thee be judged thyself, but once you become shit at the sport on the BBC you just move over to commentating and studying Hazel Irvine’s tits, jammy bleeder.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

49 thoughts on “Snooker Commentators and Presenters”

  1. The only time I ever take any interest in the snooker is to check if it’s on so I can decide whether or not I’m going to see my Dad because if snooker is on, he’ll be watching it.

    There are so many tournaments nowadays that the Windows during which I can tolerate going to see the old bastard are becoming shorter and less numerous by the day.

  2. Give me Ted “The Whisperer” Lowe, any day of the week!

    I used to watch snooker back in the halcyon years of the 70s and 80s – when there wasn’t an issue displaying the sponsor “Embassey” and players could get pissed while playing a frame (Big Bill and Alex, spring to mind)

    Players, commentators today are all robotic humourless cunts without about as much character as Flabbott’s used tampon (air balloon standard)

    But when Ted was commentating, especially on Pot Black, you knew exactly where you were. And as Richie Benaud once remarked with regards what makes a good commentator, “The key thing was to learn the value of economy with words and to never insult the viewer by telling them what they can already see”

    Too fucking right!

  3. We should never forget John “WHERE’S THE CUE BALL GOING?” Virgo – he sounds as if he is played by the late Jimmy Jewel in a flat cap.

  4. The only quote I’ve found memorable was the one “for those watching in black and white, the green ball is the one behind the blue.” Not sure who said that!

  5. Too many snooker tournaments these days. Cannot be arsed to watch it anymore.

    Regarding commentators I only ever liked David Vine.

  6. Great cunting there. But when it comes to boring cunts in snooker, none of those you’ve named come close to being the boring cunt that Terry Griffiths was. You could actually feel yourself growing older watching that cunt staring at the table.

    • You’re right about Griffiths, he used to walk round the table three times before playing a shot. I used to watch Pot Black, just the one frame was enough for me rather than the dozens they show now. Most entertaining player was South African Perrie Mans, who was famous for smashing the balls in from all angles. When the interviewer questioned his style, saying he didn’t appear to have very much control over the cue ball, he replied ‘I don’t have ANY control over the cue ball’.

    • And Cliff Sorebum. And Eddie Charlton.

      Of the current crop, the one I hate most is John Higgins. Not because he’s especially slow, he just makes me feel fucking sick.

      That said, I love playing snooker, and occasionally enjoy watching, though fully agree with the nom: the commentators without exception are CUNTS.

  7. The problem with snooker now is that they’re all too bloody good.
    The game has become sterile and clinical. We know which shot they’re going to take without the fucking commentary. No-one is prepared to take chances and it’s become for me a cure for insomnia.
    The Alex Higgins era was the best. He really was the peoples champion. Smoking, drinking, smashing balls down the length of the table and plants that played to the crowd as well as the competition he was in.

    • Oh those heady days…Bill Werberneuk getting absolutely cunted before his games just to steady his hands. Never a packet of fags off the table, pints on the go, fucking awesome.

    • And are the pockets getting bigger?

      Back in the days of Pot Black the pockets were no bigger than your average mug (that’s cup and not the mug punters watching); but these days they’re basketball hoop size! (Or maybe its because TVs are bigger these days)

      Anyway, what we want to jazz (or jizz) things up is young women playing, but only if they’re wearing tight cut-off jeans or very short skirts. Other than that they can fuck off back to the kitchen!

      • Great idea NCFOM. Something along the lines of beach volleyball. Low cut blouses with the buttons about to go ping should be another part of the dress code.

    • Are you talking about plants on the table or the ones Higgins pissed on?

  8. That fat specky jam jar cunt Dennis Taylor, who far from being the jovial man of the people he makes out to be…is a total up himself cunt. So I will add him to the cunted list if you don’t mind squire. I would slap him around like a ginger stepchild given the opportunity.

  9. Morning all
    Have to say that I stopped watching snooker when that Michaela Tabb bird stopped refereeing. Watching her wonderful arse as she bent over to re-spot the black was one of the highlights of my viewing week.
    Yowsa!

    • Yeah my snooker wanks certainly aren’t as enjoyable these days. Although Neil Robertson sometimes looks like a bird.

  10. Don’t watch much snooker these days but I remember Colin Murray from his days at MOTD 2 and Talksport. What a cunt! You can’t understand a word he says and he’s one of those wankers who thinks he’s funny and witty.
    He’s not, trust me. He’s just a cunt. He can fuck right off.

    • The cunt has been fired off from MOTD2 and can be found on Quest (Channel 144 on SKY) hosting the EFL show on Saturday nights. He is the thickest prick on television and use to ruin interviews, butting in when someone was just about to say something interesting because he was A) Working to a script and B) Hadn’t heard his own voice for 15 seconds.

  11. *** BREAKING CUNT NEWS ***

    Jamie Oliver has gone into administration.

    His good friend James O’Shithead is beside himself in tears…

    … 👍

    • And what’s the betting he’ll blame Brexit for his monumental failure?

    • Mr Oliver said: “I appreciate how difficult this is for everyone affected.”

      By all accounts Oliver is worth approximately £240m so as he so often says, still very “happy days” for him.

    • It’ll teach the mockney cunt not to employ kiddie fiddlers…
      Oliver – not unlike the libtard slags that are all over Allen and Polanski – claims to be ‘liberal’ and ‘right on’… But the truth is he has the morals of a sewer rat and he is a cunt..

  12. Good! I hope he ends up potless the remoaner cunt.
    O’Shithead can go and fuck himself the libtard arsehole.

  13. I can’t stand snooker. Nor many other other (ahem) ‘sports’ in all honesty. I have watched more exciting bowel movements exiting my rear end, quite frankly.

    My Dad, on the other hand, will watch ANY sport under the sun….and I mean ANY sport. The other day, I came downstairs to find him watching bloody CURLING.

    YES, CURLING.

    What the actual fuck? Chucking a big arse stone along ice with a bunch of neurotic fuckers ‘brooming it’ like their lives depend upon it? Bizarre shite right there, but I digress….

    How those snooker spectators don’t wind up dropping off and hog snoring in the audience whilst watching it is both a feat to admire and a complete mystery.

    I know I would. In fact, I’d bring a pillow and duvet with me. That shit is better than counting sheep to nod off.

    SNOOKER LOOPY? SNOOKER CUNTY.

    • Nowt wrong with curling. Or bowls. Or darts. Realise that I am a sad cunt indeed.

      But so much snooker with boring charisma less players has rendered itself boring.

      • The last time I ‘watched’ any snooker whatsoever was when I was under 10 years old (so knew no better)….back in the days of the lovely Ray Reardon and Terry Griffiths.

        Incidentally, Mr S, I for one do not consider you a ‘sad cunt’ at all. ‘Esteemed cunter’, but defo not a sad cunt.

      • At least Willie’s not into Formula 1. That really would make him a ‘sad cunt’.

      • A great driver by all accounts but Hamilton and his fucking girlie earings, necklaces and stupid hair was enough for me.

        Gave up on F1 years ago.

      • Lauda was a driver when Formula 1 was worth watching… Him and James Hunt… Not like the diamond earring wearing fairies (see you, Lewis) who ponce about on the racetrack today…

    • Nurse , how do you “watch bowel movements exiting my rear end?” Do you use a mirror?
      Sounds a bit pervy to me.

      • Us ex-nurses have ways and means, FTF…..

        Yep, we like a bit of the old perv…..

    • As a committed sports philistine, I can’t work out how some of these pastimes could ever be spectator sports, let alone have mass followings on the box. I once curled (as opposed to curling one out, Nurse) and most of the pleasure involved seemed to be the company and the whisky.It’s a bit more energetic than bowls, I guess, or even bowels, Nurse, provided an adequate intake of fibre is assumed, but watching it?

      Do they do bowls on the box, yet? The commentary would be hypnotic. “And Ted’s just let the ball go…a good trajectory, not a bit of wobble…yes it’s curving in exactly as we have come to expect…and it’s clipped Harry’s ball …and it’s slowing down….slowing…slower…and I think it’s the closest to the jack….GOAL!!! OH WOW!!! That was FANTASTIC!! The bowling green’s ERUPTED!! Stockport Over-70’s are OUT of the CUP!! They’ll be celebrating in Bournemouth tonight!

  14. Madame Tussauds London unveiled their Ariana Grande figure this morning…. The Ariana figure will be at the famous attraction for a five week residency from this Friday…

    Whisper in its ear that a terrorist bomb has gone off and ask it if it or its ‘people’ can do anything to help… You’ll never see a dummy move so fast out of there… Not unlike the real one, the cunt…

  16. I swear Rob Walker has a party trick that amounts to turning his stomach inside out to resemble a hot water bottle and once featured on TFI fuckin Friday.

    I find most of the snooker cunts ok and Hazel is one of the better wimminz presenters. Dreary Dennis Taylor is useless and talks too much and Willie ‘verbal diahorrea’ Thorne will insist on predicting the next shot, EVERY shot before inevitably backtracking and saying ‘ok so Ronnie decided to go THAT way’.

    I’ll also watch the female curling…..that tasty jock Skip is also a scratch golfer I learn.

    And YES Colin the Cunt truly is worthy of his own cunting; his own wall in fact.

    • Willie Thorne might have been the best snooker player in the world (he wasn’t) but the fact that he’s big mates with Gary Vinegar makes him a super Uber cunt.

      • Fuck him and his debt!

        Cunts like him make me sick: earning a good living, a few sidelines with the big money rolling in, along with the cars and houses and they’re still not fucking satisfied.

        Yet there’s plenty of poor people struggling to make ends meet but don’t have the same luxury or entitlements.

        so fuck him and his whinging pleas

  17. Virgo is the 147 of cunts.

    I once played golf with this up his own arse tosser once. He was “off 10” more like 24 the lying cunt.

    On the other hand I play golf so that definitely makes me a cunt…

  18. Ahhhh…snooker. Used to love watching the world championship on telly when I was a kid. Fave player was Alex Higgins because he was just exciting to watch. Jimmy White wasn’t bad either. Nice to see mention of Pot Black too. I used to follow John Spencer back in the day. Gosh, didn’t the world seem a nicer, friendlier and more normal place back then?

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen any snooker on the telly over here in Yankland. BBC America shows Premier League Darts, but probably like snooker now, the Darts world seems to lack real characters of interest. The commentary is absolutely shite banal crap too.

  20. Ena Baga, who played the old “Pot Black” theme, was ace !!.

    I believe the Germans found other uses for snooker cues, especially once snapped in half.

  22. Thank you WC! Haven’t laughed so much in ages – and with the Maybot gradually disappearing up her own arse, made a welcome change.

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