Lamp post abusers

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Due to an almost astrological conjunction of fine Easter weather, a flat tyre on my bike¹, and the ongoing embarrassment² that is my ageing Volvo XC90 T6, this week I’ve mostly been walking to the shops. It takes 25 minutes via the most direct route.

Unfortunately, this route is a main road with regularly-spaced street lamps. While toiling back from Asda, in avoidance of a chavvy cunt weaving along the pavement on one of those peculiar little bikes, I nearly poked my eye out on a stout cable-tie protruding from a lamp post.

I at once became aware of a hitherto-unnoticed plague of “street furniture” embellishments of all manner. Carefully-crafted lamentations about lost pets, c/w A4-sized laminated colour inkjet print of the cat/dog prior to its absconding; handwritten and hopelessly homespun divers adverts for old bangers, crèche services, and even weed³; unfunny Red Nose comic-ephemera; even outsized plastic poppies, presumably from last Armistice Day.

This smörgåsbord of shite is affixed by a network of cable ties, usually leaving a long tail, often at eye level. On my next walk to Asda, I decided to go equipped with my trusty pair of Tronex™ tungsten carbide piano wire snips and a carrier bag. This excision of excrement elicited some quizzical glances from other pedestrians, who (like me) had stopped noticing such flyposting.

I was minded to engage in ingeniously cruel (but time-consuming) wind-ups of these cat-mourners, peddlers, and other sad cunts who disseminate in this way, but quickly regained my sanity and got on with some organ practice and gainful employ.

¹Puncture repair kit acquired and applied

²A bit of a turd now, plus it does 16 mpg even when warmed up. A trip to Asda and back would cost more in 2* than the taxi fare. The ideal vehicle, however, for accidentally mowing down Greta Thunberg at a bus stop.

³This Vodafone™ number was regrettably – but unsurprisingly – out of service.

Nominated by caughtspedding

44 thoughts on “Lamp post abusers”

  1. Sometimes if there’s been a car accident with a fatality or two, you will often see a tree near the crash site festooned with flowers and cards and whatnot.

    All very charming I suppose, but after about a month you end up with a bunch of dead stalks wrapped around the tree, and soggy cardboard and paper littering the immediate place.

    And when you read about the crash you realise it happened because of a drunk/drugged driver; or carjacker losing control of the car and ending up dead (usually killing an innocent victim in the process). And yet you get cards/photos from the family of this reckless cunt stapled to the tree saying shit like “Our angel is now in Heaven!” and all that in-denial, “a lovely lad” bollocks.

    Fuck ’em

    • And how many times have you read of other cunts who crashed because they were distracted by this theatrical shit heap. There was one on my way to work in the late 90’s on a country lane and they reckon it directly responsible for at least 5 other accidents.

  2. I wonder if the McCanns could try putting lamp-post adverts up in Praia da Luz? Probably be about as effective as anything that’s been already tried…they could even add the address to send donations in order to keep the search going.

    * There was a whole lot more that I was going to add,but my natural good taste and empathy prevented me.

    Fuck Off.

  3. Whilst out in Gran Canaria a few weeks ago, I passed a lamp post with one of those hand scrawled papers stuck to it with the little tear off strips with a phone number on, for any gullible twats that wish to partake of the service advertised.

    First time I have even seen anything of this nature when over there, other than adverts for the likes of ‘Ricky’s Cabaret Bar’ and your hostess with the mostess, Pixie Primark (yes, really)

    This ad was for ‘luggage storage’ for tourists who may need to leave some of their extraneous shit on the island, rather than take it back home with them. It would apparently be ‘safely stored until your return’.

    Yeah, right. It would end up being rooted through for anything for of value and flogged in San Fernando market of a Wednesday or Saturday.

    Needless to say, I vetoed said advert and carried on my way to locate some very large bars of Fruit and Nut (yes, even in Gran Canaria one can locate a bit of Cadbury’s special) and even larger bottles of Pinot.

    I don’t actually mind the ‘missing pussy’ type ads that one sees on lamp posts and suchlike. I mean, where else would you be able to get the word out for that?
    Plus, as the owner of a pussy myself (now now, no smut please….the CAT variety, that is) I do sympathise when someone else’s Tiddles goes AWOL.

    • Agree with the pussy posters, I am a cat owner and would do anything in the way of putting the word out if he went missing.

      Such as “has anyone seen my ginger pussy”

      That should grab the attention!!

      • When my wife was distraught at the recent death of a budgerigar, I spotted a poster on a lamp post seeking the owner of a handsome budgerigar they’d caught. I let the advertiser know we’d be happy to take the bird if the owner never showed up. They never did so 9 years later we still have “Errol”.

      • Errol? Sounds like a dark quay name to me, what wiv Errol Brown and Hot Chocolate. Are you sure you didn’t take in a crow? I’d keep hold of him. He’s a protected species, don’t ya know?

  4. “loads for a missing black fella”…. Why on Earth would anyone look for one of them? There’s loads of them idling about on every street-corner and they all look the same,just go along and take your pick.
    Anyhow,in this politically-correct age, I’m just surprised that Massa dares put up a poster looking for his lost property.

  5. A few years ago a woman in my street put up posters for her missing cat “Mr Meowington”.

    It didn’t occur to her that there was a Chinese takeaway down the road so I duly advised her in black marker pen at the base of the sign.

  6. Asda? You shop in Asda? Quite frankly you are obviously poor and of no concern to me.

    If you had said you were strolling to Waitrose or M+S I would have shown more concern.

    Peasant.

      • Waitrose is for pretentious types who dont mind being blatantly ripped off.

        With the pending demise of John Lewis Waitrose will thankfully be gone soon.

    • Bet you can’t get enough of those M&S Gay butties!

      Btw, who’s the meat in the sandwich? Some poor twink on minimum wage, I’ll be bound.

  7. An off-road uncunting for Johnny Mercer who has told May to fuck off due to the disgraceful pursuit of ex-servicemen. Good Man.

    • Glad the Mail reproduced the pic so we could all share the joy. Good catch, DF.

      How about a petition to change the name of the Lindo Ward, where the Windsor spawn are born, to the Bonobo Ward?

      • I’m sure that they only published the photo so that we could all be equally outraged and apoplectic.

        🙂 .

      • There was a time, not so many years ago when the Mail would have shrugged this off as some sort of joke ( although possibly considered by some as in bad taste!) Comedians today must struggle to find any material which won’t offend some over sensitive twat or other. We say that democracy in this country is dead. Comedy in this country is in its final throes.

    • A gobby cunt to boot but hats off to him on his most excellent choice of photo.

      Would give a few pounds to know Prince Phillips true thoughts on the matter.

    • Is it the minky’s white face they’re up in arms about?

      Besides, it looks more like a young Winston Churchill before he started smoking. All in all a most patriotic image, what’s not to like?

    • That photo is tame compared to the one the mods used yesterday for the Royal Sprog! This begs the question how long will it be before our site is shut down? I’ve already got IsAC in the Deadpool.

      • It works on every level; they look an aristocratic couple; he looks as though he could be called ‘Archie’; they look as though their leaving the hospital.

        Absolutely offensively funny.

  9. It is illegal to place advertisements and messages on lamposts unless it is to advertise a charity non-profit making event and the advertisement is removed within 24 hours. The relevant Statutory Instrumemt is the Town and Country Planning ( Control of Advertisements) Regulations 1992. There are heavy fines for infringements and local authorities and utility companies usually claim costs of litigation leaving offenders with a large bill to pay. Recent successful prosecutions against one Mr Stork and a Mr Pelican left both with big bills. Police confirm that leaning on a lampost at the corner of the street is not an offence unless the certain little lady is a prostitute. Then you can be done for soliciting. Affixing notices offensive to Muslims such as ” craft beers exhibition” are classified as hate incidents or hate crimes where an arrest is made.

  10. Apologies Caughtspedding, off topic.

    BREAKING NEWS
    An independent sponsor body will be set up to deliver restoration and renewal works at the Palace of Westminster.

    Under the terms of the Draft Parliamentary Buildings (Restoration and Renewal) Bill, a sponsor body will be in charge of creating a delivery authority to complete the works. It will also be responsible for ensuring the project remains on time and within its £3.5bn budget.

    MP Andrea Leadsom – who brought the bill before the Commons on Wednesday – added that the recent fire at Notre-Dame “highlighted the urgency of the works to restore and renew the Palace of Westminster”.

    “The recent incidents in the Palace of Westminster, including falling masonry, have further highlighted the urgency of the works to restore and renew the Palace of Westminster. The tragic fire at Notre Dame has also served as a reminder of the risks to this historic and iconic building,” she said.

    “The Government is clear that there can be no blank cheque for this work and it must represent good value for taxpayers’ money, and that the Programme needs to be delivered on time and on budget.”

    Three and a half billion representing “good value for taxpayers money”?

    Firstly we know that the final figure will be much, much more than this (the government always expect us (the thick gullible peasants who can be lied to) to believe their ridiculous made up fantasy estimates).

    I would suggest however that in these financially challenging times spending precisely FUCK ALL represents the very best value of taxpayers money. After all we have been told there is NO spare money available for us (namely schools, police, NHS or essential services). the great British public.

    In my humble opinion the treacherous cunts inside simply deserve nothing more.

    At a time of austerity when many people are suffering financially and the effects of unwanted multi culturalism the only other FAIR option I can see would be to hold a vote to flatten the place (ideally with all cunts inside) to make way for affordable housing. Any escapees to be shipped up to Northumberland where we could employ the services of a particular gentleman well known to us all who is well versed in the elimination of unwanted vermin.

    After everything that has gone on and how disgracefully the cunts inside have wilfully disrespected and defied the clear instructions of the great British public all I can say is to spend £3.5b of our money on themselves without asking us is requires a great deal of FUCKING NERVE.

    • Where’s the Luftwaffe when you need it? Agree. A cull of the Lords, thorough vetting of the Commons and the public execution of the Speaker could be timed to coincide with the explosive demolition of the hideous Victorian pile, and the survivors can then be housed in a subterranean office complex designed with minimum charisma in mind, With time clocks, no catering and CCTV connected directly to Private Eye.

      Paid for by the Crown Estate, accounts to be scrutinised by someone with a grudge.

  11. Plantation worker Gina Millar on the wireless this morning.

    The banana boat song came into my head. Can’t think why…

  12. Waste of time flyposting for lost cats.

    They were served up in takeaways from that Parking Stanley curry house long ago.

  13. Asda, Caughtspedding? I’m surprised you mix with the hoi polloi. One would of thought you’d at least shop at Waitrose or maybe it was lack of transport that drove you to it.

    • Caughtspedding- when I read the title of your nom “lamp post abusers”, I thought, here we go again, more complaints about those dirty animals (I am a Muslim) that are kept on 30ft leads and piss over anything they can cock a leg against. Imagine my pleasant surprise when I read on, to find out that it was much more serious than that! I suppose there are only so many ways you can abuse a lamp post.

      • You’re a Muslim Bsc? Well fuck me sideways!

        Not in a gay way, you understand. 🙂

      • Good morning Ruffy. Yes I am! I’m just not quite as sensitive as my bruvs. You’ll still talk to me won’t you! Fuckin hell, I’m absolutely starvin’ what with this Ramadan thing. I could murder a bacon buttie!

      • Oh fuck, it’s the afternoon! That’s what this getting up late does to you.

      • Fear not Bsc, I’m not one to tar all Muslims with the same Islamist brush. Of course I’ll still talk to you.

        But first I need to lie down in a darkened room.

        Good afternoon.

      • Yeh, I just thought “ If you can’t beat them join ‘em. I thought it might save me being thrown over a cliff at a later date. Mind you, I had to hide when the Imam came knocking the other day to ask why I was at a footy match and not on my hands and knees in prayer.

  14. I put pictures of neighbour’s cats up with ‘next’ written underneath.

    • I think I saw that missing cat shown on the nom picture in our road the other day. Looking at the carefully drawn sketch, it looks like a Siberian. It’s an ancient long haired cat that’s been present in Russia for centuries. It answers to the name of
      ‘Cone on the Siberian’ Ooo., can’t find my coat.

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