Know Better Chefs

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Know Better Chefs,
In this new world of PC and people’s feelings I resent having my meal dictated to me.
I used to be a cook “Cook” not a chef, I did short orders and main sittings of set menus, a set menu is a fucking set menu with a take it or leave it option, short orders were small custom made dishes to the customers specifications.
You want a dog shit omelette? There you go sir!
Now what has started to fuck me off is a spate of arguments that I have had with short order chefs, argument No1 I wanted rocket in my calzone Pizza (there is a fuck off big pile of rocket on the counter so it’s not like he has to go out and pick it), well the cunt flatly refused to put it in my calzone, his reasoning being that they didn’t do that in his village/ part of Italy.
Next an almost bloody argument in the local kebab house, “what you want boss?” . “Hi I would like a large lamb shish with lemon and salad please”…… No you not tell me what you want in kebab!, Frankly at this point all diplomacy went out the window, I don’t like the cunt, he is a tax dodging wanker and I suspect him of dry rodgering one of his hair dressing boys next door.
As Mrs B said it went from 0 to 100mph in 4 seconds, finishing with “fuck you I will take my order elsewhere” (never to return)
So why the fuck can’t a short order outlet actually fulfil a short order and not offer advice on how you should eat it? I am not asking for a dressing made from virgin’s’ tears, nor garnish harvested from the dark side of Everest, just simple requests that I am willing to pay for and if it tastes like shit, well that’s my problem.

Nominated by lord benny

42 thoughts on “Know Better Chefs”

    • Frankly I’m with the chef on this one. One goes to a restaurant to eat food created by the chef it is not a build your own dish affair. The idea that one goes to a restaurant and receive the menu to say to the waiter I’ll have the steak but with the potatoes from the salmon dish with the vegetables from the fish dish and a side order of ketchup would send me if I were the chef into a fury.

      I am quite a good cook, I enjoy cooking for people and enjoy cooking for family get togethers etc. However what really really fucks me off is spending ages cooking a fantastic main meal maybe rib of beef with red wine sauce, vegetable dishes that are dishes in their own right all carefully made and seasoned to find once the meal is over some cunt chucks his knife and fork down and says ‘that was great, you know what I really fancy some ice cream now’.

      This has happened to me and frankly I was so furious that I had to leave the room to calm down. I may as well have served the cunt a cheese sandwich if all the cunt wanted was to finish the meal with shitty fucking ice cream.

      Nope, I’m with the chef on this one.

      Also given that he has spelled flavour without the u in his review I can only conclude that he is either a thick as shit fuck or American and from experience Americans are not only slobs but disgusting when in restaurants, pile on anything with anything just give the loud mouthed fuckers a trough, slop 3 courses in it, and a trowel to shove it all in their fat fucking faces and they will be happy.

      • Not talking about a major change to the dish, or the swapping of certain elements with others from other dishes.

        Just a slight personal preference enhancement to a meal, not much greater than adding a bit of seasoning or a sprinkle of Parmesan.

      • Fuck all. Especially after fish and chips.
        Good evening Mr. Creampuff.

      • Evening Jack. I had ice cream for my main course this evening. Decided not to bother with dessert.

      • Approx 20% of a 1.8 litre tub of Wall’s Soft Scoop Vanilla. I had half a tin of custard with it last week, which proved a bit too much even for me. 😂

        As you may have surmised, we have an excellent chef here at Creampuff Manor.

      • One of my most favourite meals in the world is baked beans on toast using home made whole meal bread with grated cheese on top.

        Fucking excellent, who needs overpriced poncey food with simple delicacies like that?

      • Agree, but my preference is for baked beans on fried bread. A little salt doesn’t hurt, either, now the cardiac n*zis have removed it from everything

      • It may help if you call it a gelato and pretend it’s posh nosh. While it is the height of bad manners to cast doubt on your arrangements by stating a preference for something you haven’t included in your minutely-planned entertainment, would it kill you to keep a tub of raspberry ripple in the freezer? Call it gelato con lampone – or something – to spare your own blushes if you have not made it yourself, and many a guest will opt for the contrast with your superb but to some tastes over-rich cuisine, and for a palate-refreshing preface to the port and Stilton.

        Alternatively, do as I do in the knowledge that lesser mortals simply are incapable of appreciating my culinary skill, and eat alone.

  2. I try to be fair minded about most things 😁 as everybody knows 😁😁 so I tried to imagine myself running a chippy in Rome, producing my beautifully presented and perfectly cooked cod and chips. ( other traditional chippy foods served with my wonderful chips also available)
    Then I imagined some greasy fucking loudmouth dago coming in and wanting pasta or spaghetti dumped all over it. Fuck that! I’d kick his stinking, Mussolini loving Roman arse down the road, the cunt!
    It’s a matter of culture innit?

    • I think that I should offer some cultural enrichment to Saudi Arabia.
      So I’m thinking of setting up a pork pie stall in Mecca.
      If any of them want a full English with black pudding I would be more than happy to oblige.

    • Had this myself in a pub in derbyshire, they used to serve good pub grub but then got some mental pretentious chef who thought he was Heston Blumenthal, i took my dad out who was in remission from bone marrow cancer, cheer him up with a meal, both my dad & I only eat plain english food cant be doing with ‘fancy’ or foreign shite! Asked barmaid for steak an chips no dressings or weird shit, she said ‘i’ll have to ask chef but cant promise’ so i told her dont ask him tell him, and if not I’ll go tell him. Meal comes, looks ok, then realised he couldnt help hisself, fuckin giant gherkin or summat like a sea slug on steak!! The cunt!!

      • Theres nothing fancy or posh about putting a gherkin on a steak, thats just fucking nasty. I agree shoot the cunt

        Also my sympathies about your fathers bone marrow cancer Miserable northern cunt,actually just found out yesterday my old man has cancer too. Alot of fucky things happening lately thats for sure

      • Sorry to hear that Titslapper, its not nice, but my dads doing pretty well, responded to treatment well, hopeful your dad will too mate. Older generation tougher than us my dad found out about the cancer when we were working (removal men) said about neck aching turns out for few weeks hed been working with 2 vertebrae nearly eaten through!!! Now my lad occasionally works for me, hes crying if he gets a bleeding splinter!!!👍

      • My great grandfather had bone marrow cancer he was given 1 and half year to live by the doctor He drank this herb called mullein twice daily its like a bitter tea and ate a healthy diet of vegetables and fruits no red meat tho lived another 5 years before he died baffled the doctor.

        Thank you he has lung cancer he was operated on during christmas (fucker never toldme) it receded after but now its spread not sure how long he has left and the silly cunt insists on smoking still unbelievable well no wonder it spread! splinters are cunts tho I’m not fond of pulling them out either

      • Trying to get my dad to eat fruit & veg is a chore, to him thats worse than the cancer! Hope your dad soldiers on kid, ill mention the herbal thing but my old fellas suspicious of pasta never mind herbs! Chin up pal!👍

      • Don’t know how anyone can not like fruits and veggies but i know the type Thank you for the kind words MNB appreciate it

        Just heard today my dad isn’t gonna do chemotherapy but whatever thats his choice I assume he still has 1 yr to live but who knows I could be burying him sooner if the fucker doesn’t quit smoking we will see how it plays out

  3. Slightly off topic but relevant to your nom my liege. I used to enjoy eating at a Harvester restaurant where the food was good in terms of quality and quantity and there was a help yourself salad bar with an extensive selection of “healthy” stuff. Then the rot set in. Prices increased, portions got smaller and the choice at the salad bar shrank. Main dishes would appear as a plate covered in items of fucking crockery with a bit of food thrown in as an afterthought. Take fish and chips for example. A bowl for your tartar sauce; a bowl for your chips; a bowl for your garden peas, a bowl for your lemon wedge and a sliver of fish posing as “cod” lobbed in between this lot. I am banned from this Harvester for telling the waitress what I thought of the fish and chips. Fucking typical Millenial cunt management. What’s wrong with a few expletives? Drives me fucking mad. Tried a Brewers Fayre restaurant last week. Same story except it’s steel bowls instead of ceramic ones on the plate. Looked like a pile of scaffolding rather than fish and chips. I threw each individual steel bowl back into the kitchen through the serving hatch next to the refillable drinks machine. Should have worn a bedsheet, white cap, sandals and complained the steel bowls were offensive to my religion to get offered free meals for life but the cunts banned me instead. I’ve tried posh restaurants where the servings are tiny bits of food on huge plates with dribbles of wet muck called some kind of sauce. All for astronomical prices. What a fucking rip-off. From now on I eat home-cooked food or travel to the nearest Cosmo restaurant where they still serve food that comes on a plate and that you choose yourself. Cosmo of course is not owned by a greedy, grasping fuckwit British brewery company.

    • I rarely go out to dine these days as usually disappointed with what restaurants have to offer.

      The only exception is the local curry house. Food is fantastic, portions as you would expect. Never dare look in the kitchen but the Hygiene rating is a solid 5.

      Having said that I have never understood why the hygiene council inspectors give the restaurant advanced notice as to when they will be visiting. Gives them adequate to get rid of the rats and cockroaches.

      Like you Fimbriations hate being ripped off, small portions on large plates. Remember the Nouveau Cuisine fad back in the 1990’s- loads of money for very pretty fuck all “food”. Came out as hungry as when I went in- thankfully clients usually footing the bill.


      • ..Gives them adequate to get rid of the rats and cockroaches.

        Get rid of them?, they’re the ‘gamey’ meat and unidentifiable crunchy bits in your meals that made dining out in some of the more off-the-beaten-tracks curry houses in the Brick Lane area the fun, exotic eating experience it was, at least, back in the early 90’s it was..don’t know about now, escaped London, have fond memories of various adventures sarth of the river, but never intend to go back to the infested shithole of a place..

      • And when me dinner comes on a fucking roof tile !!!!!!! I turn green, me shirt rips, and I get nasty ! ….very Nasty !!

      • Would be fucking furious if I ever found any meat in my vegetable Madras

  4. Every country likes to think their food is the best. Italians think they invented food although actually they stole it from the Chînks.

    This cultural self-importance could be the problem. Either that or they look down so much on British food (and people) that we have to be told what to eat. Vote with your feet and don’t frequent these dung-holes cafés, especially Kebab shops.

    Also, if their country is so special, why did they quit their stinky shithole for Britain? Cunts.

  5. I’ve had bother in the past with chefs not wanting to cook my steak “well-done”. The fucking nerve of the Cunts. If I’m willing to pay for my steak to be “turned into a bit of boot-leather”,that’s my fucking business,not theirs.
    I hate undercooked meat. I recently flicked onto a cookery programme where one of the Cunts was cooking pigeon. I enjoy pigeon,so thought that I’d watch and see if they had any good ideas on how to cook it. They fucking didn’t…in fact,the chef didn’t seem to cook the fucking thing at all. If it hadn’t been ploated,the poor bugger could have flown away while he dished up the veg.

    This current fad for cookery programmes has given “chefs” ideas above their station. This, allied to the fact that they are invariably drunkards with access to knives makes them a tricky proposition to put back in their place.

    I,of course,wouldn’t be seen dead in a Harvester or Brewers Fayre “restaurant”. They are frequented by the class of person who thinks that dipping their KFC McNuggets in tomato ketchup is classy. If one lacks the social refinement and confidence to visit a decent restaurant,it’s probably better to just get a “Chinky” delivered to home than waste one’s pennies at some chain restaurant.

    Fuck Off.

    • Curse the fools who dip their chicken tenders in ketchup its homemade honey dijon or honey dill sauce for me. Not much of steak person I prefer a philly cheesesteak in all honesty, ordering a steak rare always tastes fucked

      I don’t care about the finer taste palatte in eating a steak rare blood in the meat is still gross to me. Trump also likes his steak well done great minds think alike Mister Fiddler cheers

    • Glad to know I’m not alone in preferring cooked meat to raw. Wonder why cunts who order rare steaks bother to go in the place – they’d get a better deal buying a steak from the butcher and gnawing it out of the bag at the bus stop. Bleeding “roast” beef is also inexcusable.

  6. Always plenty of exotic foreign restaurants available in this country. The rubber boats churned out another 150 doctors and architects this weekend so there’s some more customers. Not to mention all that tax they’re going to be paying.
    Aren’t we lucky?

    • It’s like D-day in reverse, only instead of standing for day, the D stands for degenerates.

    • The border force seems to operating a sea taxi service like they have in the med. unless they are returned immediately, there is absolutely no deterrent. All cunts from Iraq and Iran, who, once settled, will be flying home to visit the relatives, safe in the knowledge that they are U.K. residents.

      • . ……. and when they bring those relatives back with them they’ll be UK residents too!
        Nobody has more relatives than a peaceful.

    • Good evening Freddie. Our local supermarkets have a staggering array of gherkins for sale, when once upon a time they were rarer than rocking horse shit.
      Needless to say there’s a lot of Booshkie Booshkie types about.
      Currently ‘ darn sarf ‘ and it’s the fucking same.
      Anyway, our postal votes are in .
      So come on Nigel.
      TROUNCE THE FUCKERS.

      • I was brought up to enjoy gherkins, and IMO the one thing the Poles have brought us from which we can truly benefit is advanced gherkin technology, with eyewatering amounts of dill.
        On a steak? No. Beside a steak? Gimme. Also superb with beer and cheese.
        This thread has given me an idea, too, to rival anything of Heston bloody Blumenthal’s: gherkin ice cream. You may mock, but it will sweep the country.

  7. Afternoon cunters just picked up a 15 pack of lager and a ale I’m good for the summer sun now, cheers

  8. dog shit omelette? Good sir may I ask what the fuck are you talking about? maybe thats why your not a cook anymore lord benny you kept putting dog shit in peoples eggs. Also what pizza ingredient is a rocket just curious

  9. I like Baked Beans on a few well buttered crumpets with a dollop of Coleslaw and I dislike cooks who call themselves Chefs.

    I had a family meal at a restaurant and one of the cousins wanted his WAGU Beef well done, after being told the chef wouldn’t cook it well done we told them to tell the owner the cunt just cost the restaurant upwards of 500 and all walked out.

    Bbbbbut your booked in….pub meal next door for 10 quid a head was fine and a great night was had!

  10. A kebab shop that cant fix up a lamb shish with a bit of salad and lemon shouldnt be in business.

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