House Relocation TV Programmes

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Arrogant types who go on House Relocation TV Programmes

Now I would never voluntarily watch such twaddle but I could hear some demanding twats on Escape to the Cuntry which the wife had on whilst I was doing some DIY.
You know the type. Typical townies who have suddenly decided that a rural life is what they need with a wish-list of completely unreasonable expectations. The presenter shows them a selection of properties which they always find fault with or are too expensive.
A typical scenario goes as follows
“I’m Toby and work in the wine trade. My wife, Tiggy runs a successful interior design company .
We would like to move from our £1.5 million 2 bedroom flat in Oval to Cornwall to give our children Miles aged 8 and Ophelia aged 6 a better quality of life.”

( Obviously our money will go a long way in Cornwall where I gather prices are dirt cheap)

“We’re looking for a large detached house with at least 5 bedrooms set in a minimum of 5 acres of mature gardens. We would also need a large paddock and outbuildings so that Ophelia can have her own pony. Obviously the grounds should extend to one of the pretty estuaries with its own slipway and mooring as Miles is very keen to learn to sail.”

After being shown a few properties within their budget the hapless couple has to face up to reality when they discover that what they want would cost upwards of £4.5 million.

Hahaha you cunts.

Nominated by cuntator

28 thoughts on “House Relocation TV Programmes”

  1. I’ve seen some of the ones where the family goes to Australia, they see the jobs they could have, the places and houses they could live in and compare it to the shithole they have come from in the immo infested suburbs of Birmingham or wherever.
    They have a vote at the end and hubby votes yes while wifey and the brats (under wifeys influence) say no. It’s always because the Mrs can’t bear to be so far from her mother.
    Well, what did you marry the cunt for in the first place? You should have stayed with your Mum and shoved some spunk up your minge with a turkey baster like Tom fucking Daly you dozy mare.
    I can’t stand those programmes…… full of stupid cunts who need a good fucking slapping.

    • Me & missus sometimes watch escape to the country daydreaming we can buy the properties and your right, always some middle class dipshit with loads of unrealistic demands! Should branch out into other programs id like to see, as in – ‘relocated,relocated’ where peacefuls are sent back to country of birth, ‘place in the dinghy’ where the immigrants are dropped back in atlantic, and grand designs a auchwitz special.

      • I’d like a show called Escape To The Shithole. Today, the Blair family want to relocate from Oxford to Bradford. Tony and Cherie want to give up the trappings of luxury and move to a two up two down and one out the back hovel, and we will show them three properties, one of them are mystery house, conveniently located next to a Halal meat shop and minicab office, so convenient for getting Leo picked up from school. They will appreciate the neighbours using the garden as a lavatory & there is even a burnt out caravan in the front garden, so handy for putting up Cliff Richard when he does his 90th birthday tour next year.

    • Hell is..Waiting for Brexit, while Mavis is still doing her PM impersonations.

      Re the nom, progs. are indeed tosh, but I’d be on top of Sarah Beeny or Kirstie Duffy like a rat up a drainpipe.

      I’m actually thinking of downsizing. So I’m looking for a dilapidated Reliant Robin or similar, opportunities for a bit of the old knock-through, some William Morris textiles on the seats, and a panoramic windscreen for mooning.

      • Actually, bi-fold doors seem to be the latest glazing “must-have”… But the most important question, of course…could I get an AGA in the boot ??

        Had the misfortune to see La Allslop on the box this pm; she looked like left luggage.

  3. I’d like to see a special edition of “Escape to the Country” where Mr Fiddler lives. Mr F would be propping up the bar in his local and in would walk a pair of trannies from London.
    I’m sure he would be most welcoming to the potential new neighbours.

    • I’d like to see an edition of a Place in the Sun where the hubby gives Laura or Jasmine a quick boning whilst the wife looks over the upstairs space.

    • I’m sure you’re right Freddie. After all, didn’t the great man once say:

      “Truth be told,I wouldn’t give a shit if a couple of Gays moved into the area. There’s already a few who sometimes come into the pub and are good craic. I have no problem with them.”

      If he’s up for Gays, what’s a couple of trannies?

  4. I am going to demonstrate outside the nearest terrorism training centre, sorry mosque. I am going to complain about the Ali Snack bar”s teachings on the gayness. How long before I get nicked?
    It appears they the Ali Snackbars can do the reverse outside a school…….

  5. Do you think they have the same show in Australia?
    They show the Aussie family playing on their local sandy beach, enjoying a bbq , sitting in the shade outside their large house by the pool , but unfortunately the guys company is opening a branch in Milton Keynes and the poor suckers gotta relocate …

    “ with a budget of £ 300,000 we’re off to find the Donovan family from Perth Australia their dream house”

    It’s…..
    1/3 of the size and resembles a hamster cage ….
    The neighbours are all cunts
    Roads are grid locked
    It hasn’t stopped raining for a week
    No beach
    Local pool was closed as a turd was found in it
    Shit schools
    Shit pay
    Full of foreign cunts
    Foods expensive
    Fruit is shite!
    Every cunts miserable

    Comedy gold …..

    Another show for a good laugh
    Antiques road cunt…

    Punter
    “ oh it’s a family heirloom, I’ve no intention of selling it, but have you got any idea of its value? Just for insurance purposes? ( lying cunt)

    Antique cunt …
    “ well it’s from the Ming dynasty and it’s extremely rare and beautiful, infact to the best of my knowledge there’s only 2 maybe 3 left in the entire world !
    This really is a beautiful vase and I’m sure there’s many people that would like this in their collection “

    Punter ( visibly shaking)
    “ errrr how much is it worth?”

    Antique cunt …
    “ well at southerbys one recently sold for £10.9 million pounds!! But unfortunately your vase has a tiny tiny crack in the bottom ( only visible thru Hubble telescope) and this impacts its value somewhat, so your probably looking to insure this item for around £400-£450 pounds “

    “

    • Heard on a radio talkback antiques program, a punter called in describing a what the expert thought to be possibly highly valuable vase. The expert asked him to turn it upside down and read the date or something. Next thing heard some scratching fumbling sounds then crash came over live to air. “it’s not worth much now” he said

  6. Some of the wimmin on Cuntry are so snobby and up their own arses they make Hyacinth Bucket look humble. The husbands look and sound total wimps. The presenters practically crawl up the homeseekers arseholes and encourage their pretentions: “Jemima has an O-Level in bull-shittery and wants to use these skills to help poor rustics when they move to their dream house. She and Tristram enjoy entertaining so want a large private patio where they can tap-dance to Tiptoe Through The Tulips with their friends and make sure none of the proles from the village 2 miles away can see them. This property is ideal. It has stables and a tackroom attached to it’s 3 acre garden, where Tristram can indulge his hobby of flagellation, provided he has the energy after trying to keep Jemima’s lawns trimmed every day. They will be pleased to know there is an A & E hospital three miles away for when Tristram has a heart attack by indulging in gardening work that he has never before undertaken in all his 70 years on this planet”.

    That fucking cod-Delius music that plays throughout the programme gets on my tits as well.

    • So true, hubby looks like he is in-line for another cardiac arrest and he and wifey want 10 acres and lots of animals. Full of shit about fitting in and doing something for the community blah, blah. Would very much like to be a fly on the wall when local farmers spread a thousand tons of chicken shit on the fields surrounding their halcyon ideal. Consider the prospect of the twenty mile drive to the dentist if there is a dentist in the county nhs or private. The trip to next village to see doctor. Fuck all library service unless run by volunteers. Worse public transport than the fucking Romans and so on. Do these eejits consider what will happen as they slide into old age related health problems? Another thing of which I have personal experience 30 plus miles in an ambulance over roads meant for horse and carts is bloody in more ways than one unpleasant. I shall start a new business. Stay with me B&B I will show you what the rural dream really means (especially if you piss of the locals)

  7. These programmes should be banned.

    Middle-management paper-clip warriors, cleanliness-obsessed ,androgynous, mithering, harridan wives and anaemic,on the spectrum brats should stay in their twee,rabbit-hutch estate homes and forget about inflicting their “aspirational” lifestyle choices onto those who view them with contempt. Most of them are Antis until young Fiona is offered the chance to ride out on her Thelwell pony with the local hunt….they aren’t long of shutting their flaps then. Nothing funnier than watching some fat little pony-club brat get pitched off it’s even fatter hairy pony. I like to encourage them to attempt a jump that makes Beechers Brook look like no more than the head off a yard-brush.

    I saw an episode once that consisted of two very camp oldish Gays who had sold their flowershops and were looking to move to the country where they planned to raise their “family”..the family consisted of two Black and White Cunt youths who they’d recently fostered. I don’t know what appalled me the most…the screeching Gays,the future white-wimmin despoilers or the fact that the whole highly undesirable circus was planning to move to the countryside.

    I’d give that Amanda Lamb one. I like a chunky bit of tart.

    Fuck Off

    • I know what you mean Mr. F. For some reason practitioners of the Gayness who appear on these shows are always of the limp wristed variety. On Garden Rescue this week they had a pair of 20 something irons, one of whom was wearing so much make up he was glowing like an arc lamp. I am sure there must be lorry drivers and policemen or fireman who share the condition who behave like men rather than teenage girls, why don’t the TV companies show them?. But then I suppose the less *artistic* ones wouldn’t want to advertise their domestic arrangements in this way.

  8. I’ve seen these abominations occasionally, something that strikes me is there seems to be a high ratio of lesbians wanting to move to the country.
    Which is all well and good, but I think we should be told where they get the money from, for such expensive properties?
    And when they get settled in, will there be a follow up programme ,showing them giving each others blurt boxes a damn good work out ?

    • *we should be told where they get the money from, for such expensive properties?”

      Blackmailing straight as a die politicians like Jess Phillips, Lord Adonis and Dominic Grieve perhaps?

  11. Escape to the country. What fucking country? I can remember when there was countryside, places with trees, fields, grazing animals and the like. Once a year on a warm sunny summer day there would be a bus excursion from the estate to the countryside where we would walk for miles across beautiful farmland, trampling crops, pissing behind hedges, scattering food wrappings from our picnics and leaving gates open so the animals could escape to the country as well. That’s all gone now. The countryside has disappeared under thousands of new “homes” that have been built, all on green fields, in the last ten years. None of them will ever feature on Escape to the Country. Small pokey square boxes, brick on the outside and cardboard on the inside, shoe-horned in at all angles to give them that random “village” look and disguise the fact that there is nowhere to park a car. So badly built with the cheapest materials that they will not require extensive repairs for at least five years. Who are they for? Well no-one seems to know. But the population of the local town has doubled in the last ten years and the increase includes four thousand Big Issue sellers. Have any new schools, hospitals, doctor’s surgeries, roads been built? Of course not. Infrastructure. What’s that? What used to be a twenty minute bus journey to town now takes an hour. Escape to the Country. That’s in the same league as Leave Europe.

  12. These annoy the fuck out of me. Usually a married couple with the husband being lead on a dog lead by his overpowering wife. Never seen an episode where the kitchen is big enough for her, even though its bigger than my entire house. And you always get the impression someone has died and there’s a bit of inheritance going on. Cunts.

  13. It amuses me when some elderly couple decides to move house, but insist they need four or five bedrooms for when the relatives come to stay. How long for? Three days a year? And another thing is when they want two or more windows in a bedroom so there’ll be lots of light. Beats me how this will help them. That’s what the light switch is for you cunts.

  14. One of the best posts and some of the funniest replies I can remember. Reading them made a pleasure out of a hellish journey I made this morning with my wife at the wheel yakking non-stop to her mother who was in the passenger seat while I crouched in the back wedged in among assorted parcels and shopping. My wife has a habit of not looking ahead but at her mother when driving and likes to illustrate what´s she saying with constant hand movements so her mitts are off the wheel as much as on it. My comments like “Keep your eyes on the road. You know what your mother looks like!” or “Hands on the wheel for Christ´s sake and stop looking at your mother!” are waved off.

  15. The Lung-donors on these programmes insist on being close to the local pub.
    Did they not fucking watch Straw Dogs ?!!
    The only “warmth” that they’ll receive from the people in the villidge is when they get gang-sodomized by the loculls .” bigger eee moi lovverrr. T’int verry cleen but you loiks it”
    Fuck off

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