Emergency cunting! Colds are a complete cunt.
Saturday morning I felt a bit off colour. By the late evening, the concomitant shivers and drowsiness hit me. After a shit night’s sleep, I tried to pull myself together on Sunday. I even managed a light lunch. By the evening, my temperature had risen to almost 40 degrees C and I spent the evening in a state of alternate shivering/sweating and drowsiness on the settee.
Yesterday I woke up with a temperature again and had to skip work. I felt shit all day and slept most of the afternoon. I slept very little last night due to the continual coughing up of prairie oysters throughout the night. Fuck me, I should have bought some lemon and pepper.
Feeling shit again this morning but my temperature has dropped down to 38. I even managed to have a shower. Isn’t it odd how illness affects the old gentleman vegetables. Whilst showering, I noticed my helmet had turned into a dark purple, lifeless Richmond Sausage, whilst my knackers hung low and somewhat apologetically like Homer Simpson’s face.
Colds are a real cunt.
Nominated by Paul Maskinback
You need to grab the bull by the horns and “man up!”
Don’t turn into one of the half-baked snowflakery crowd whereby every little sniffle, every little ache, every little cough is usually construed as “Oh dear, I have only got days to live.. oh woe is me…. But before I pass away let me post on Shitbook and let everyone know all about my ailments and that my time is about to come!”
As for your shriveled man-tackle, that could just be the onset of old age – I am sure some of the older cunts on here will confirm! And when you said “Dark Purple” I almost started singing “Smoke on the Water”
Anyway, have a stiff whiskey for your early morning cuppa, followed by a cold shower, and then a full English for brekkie. Come tonight you’ll be all manly again.
And if none of that works just imagine Diane Flabbott all naked, sweaty and farty after yet another dodgy KFC about to sit on your face. If that doesn’t cure you then you’re well and truly fucked!
9
Man Flu? Doesn’t sound like any kind of flu to me. More like the early stages of Galloping Knob Rot.
I never catch colds. This is because I follow a healthy lifestyle and don’t allow myself the self-indulgence of believing that I’m ill…..although,as someone once pointed out,it may have more to do with germs being unable to withstand the daily tsunami of alcohol,backed up by more smoke than a Craster kipperhouse.
Man flu,indeed.
13
Sounds serious to me. Shivering, sweating, drowsiness, examining your cock and balls?……….It sounds like…..The Gayness! 😱
16
Actually spat my coffee out! 😂
5
Well look on the bright side, if your purple helmet drops off you can apply for full gender reassignment, opening lot of new employment opportunities for you in the BBC, music and arts industries, and universities
13
Oh you poor lamb. I prescribe 2 soluble Co-codamol (or 3 if you’re a real man like me) every 6 hours – you’ll be up and cunting in no time!
6
Morning Cuntflap – sounds like the perfect recipe for health, happiness and a bad memory.
2
My late Dad used to swear by a whisky mac. ( Half and half whisky and stones ginger wine). I asked him, ‘does it cure my cold then’? He said ” no but after three or four you don’t care whether you have a cold or not”.
Same reasoning with port and brandy for a stomach upset.
8
I can vouch for whisky macs. Been drinking them most of my adult life and I don’t remember ever having the flu. I’ve gone down with almost everything else mind, but not flu.
1
I know Allan, why athletes bother with drugs i dont know. A couple of whisky macs and i can fly baby flyyyyyyy!
2
Am reminded of that classic “Four Yorkshiremen” sketch by Monty Python, not least the final declaration from one of them stating…. “Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o’clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing ‘Hallelujah.'”
Of course kids today wouldn’t believe you!
8
Get a fucking grip man. There is PTSD counselling available.
3
Disappointed to see the phrase ‘man flu’ on here, a phrase used exclusively by unoriginal, unfunny (and it has to be said, mostly female) cunts.
6
Whatever the weather, I dress in t shirt and shorts. If it’s freezing cold, I acknowledge it and don’t let it affect me. Haven’t had a cold in over 30 years.
5
That reminds me of the 3 Newcastle fans I saw walking down Brighton seafront in the winter…
It was blowing a fucking Hooley! icy sea spray covering the road, all the soft cock southerners had looked out of their windows and turned the heating up!
These 3 were having none of it as they marched along the promenade in search of a few jars!!
Football shirts and tattoos that well known winter dress attire ……
6
Youve probably already died by now but try few bottles of robinsons ‘old Tom’ bit of honey in yer brew maybe? But remember sir, you are a englishman!! Doesnt do well ro show weakness in front of the colonial types .
7
Of subject.
I wonder when the “We Stand with Sri Lanka” vigils begin? I bet Sadiq Khan is handing out the little candles already.
9
I know their cricket team has been struggling somewhat recently but that’s a tad over the top …..
6
That fuckin’ twat pope Francis has just described the attacks as “cruel violence”. Kicking a dog is cruel you silly shit. Try using the correct words such as butchery, slaughter or ethnic cleansing. I told you Latin was a fuckin’ dead language.
4
I am waiting for Pope Franny to do another series of Bullseye… Great! Smashin! Fuckin Super!
3
Haha just heard on Sly news. Suckdick says we ‘stand’ with Sri Lanka. What the fuck does that mean anyway?
4
Not surprised really. After all he is a wynken, blynken nodhead. 😏 😊
3
Just waiting for David Lammy to public ally announce he’s lost a friend over in Sri Lanka!
6
*”publicly”, damn it
1
At this moment I am living in a house where someone has the real flu and one who has tonsilitis +laryngitis.
So far I have managed to avoid catching either persons diseases but for how long fuck knows.
Haven’t been ill in years and don’t want to start now the sun has finally turned up here the lazy cunt.
7
Man Flu you say?
I only ever had it once. After calling all my mates in the Stokers Mess soft arsed cunts I succumbed to the cunt within 5 days and spent 14 days feeling like I really was dying. So much so I was whipped off the boat and transported via Emergency ambulance to the local hospital in Guzz. I remember little of the palaver, only fleeting periods of semi consciousness between coughing up lumps the size of a fully dressed bootneck in full rig. It turned from “a bad bout of flu” into pleurisy, into double pleurisy and ended as pneumonia. Never having been a soft cunt and falling to this bout of illness reminded me that when something as serious as “real” flu poleaxes you it really does take you out. Apart from my Brothers I wouldnt wish the malady on anyone. For those of you who have had real flu no explanation is necessary, for those who havent no explanation is possible. NB After a trip to the Persian Gulf on the Armilla patrol for 3 months and recovering from the man flu it was thought by the Doctor that I may have picked it up down there due to the shit awful air conditioning we had on board.which, on inspection, was found to be riddled with air borne nasties. Another reason for my hatred of Parking Stanleys and all things Dark keys..
6
Well, I’ve had some filth-bug since just before Christmas.
In March, finally saw GP, hoping that he might have a bright idea (other guy in same digs, with same prob, was given antibiotics, now fit as a fiddle); was sent for an X-ray.
Have had lung-function tests done by the nurse at GP surgery. Nothing sinister, but top of left lung is apparently collapsed ! Another three weeks, I get another X-ray. GP thinks it will clear up on its own, but am beginning to doubt…
I just want to stop snotting. It’s vile, and there’s buckets of it.
I don’t think flying helped, but I couldn’t avoid it.
Happy Easter, and wishing you all the very best of health…
1
I do object to the feminisation of my cunting. ‘Man Flu’ indeed. I rarely suffer colds and sniffles but this little shit is still hanging on now after a fortnight having developed into a chest infection.
The knobgobblers on here who ‘never suffer colds’ I would suggest are either reptilian or possess a bullshitting gland the size of Danny Dyer’s.
5
I had it about a fortnight ago. Snot and phlem everywhere. It got so bad i think i went past the man flu stage and developed full blown manthrax.
3