I nominate Spring, Summer and Autumn for a serious cunting.
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not the actual seasons as years ago they were pleasant variances in the annual weather cycle…… Until a few years ago and getting WORSE, the advent of a multitude of “professional gardeners” who charge a fortune to walk around in noise-cancelling headphones while they noise up the local environment, every fucking minute of the fucking day going house to house with the fucking petrol mower droning on and on and on and on and on, a sound that penetrates every nook and cranny.
But FAR WORSE are those fucking cunt LEAF BLOWERS that said “gardener” spends an hour moving stuff from a to d to c and back to a, giving the illusion of doing something, while the incessant staccato vroom, vroooooom, VROOOOM from these acursed Satanic creations is even worse than the constant down of the fucking mower. USE A BROOM YOU CUNTS.
If there was ever a case for legalising Kalashnikovs, this is it, and the more affluent the area the worse it is, with often two or three of the cunts inflicting this sonic Chinese water torture on us.
There is no escape, and this is one time where the curse of profound deafness must become a blessing.
At the moment there is a pair of cunts going from house to house behind where I’m working, FOUR HOURS of this incessant droning is driving me fucking barmy that spoils every day, and this is only day one of the “gardening season”. Roll on December. CUNTS.
Nominated by Sheikh Anvakh
its the cunts that blow all of their shit out of the garden on to the road that piss me off.
lawn mowers hoover the shit up and mulch it for composting at the same time!
But you know what really boils my piss? Fucking Brown wheelie bins, I work in the middle of rural surrey, tiny little sunken lanes overshadowed by towering beach tree’s, Pheasants and deer trying to kill themselves in the road and every second week the residents of a certain village put their Brown wheelie bins in the already choked lanes for collection of their (wait for it) GARDEN WASTE!!!
why the fuck dont they just get a compost heap? that little brown darlik will not hold their hedge trimmings, not a bow from their mighty oak so why the fuck do they have them?
Arse holes, I am going to start running the cunting things over soon.
6
Fucking leaf blowers drive me batch, there is a bloke here who does high value motors Bentley and the like EVERY morning he revs up his blower to move all the crap down my end of the yard the selfish OCD Twat. Loves it when I go out into woods with the Mog and it’s huge knobbly tyres and dump hundredwieght mud on his patch. Then in afternoon when estate management boys are back I get 4 blowers at the same time clearing up. No wonder I’m a bad tempered antisocial cunt who hates everyone else, selfish twats to a man.
7
I am so onboard with this cunting.
I’m taking a break from working, so I’m home all day. After a VERY stressful and exhausting job I was hoping for some peace and quiet and the chance to just relax and enjoy my new home. Oh no. Little did I know I’m surrounded by cunts. Cunts who are fucking obsessed with their fucking gardens and making as much noise as possible.
As we know, Yanks are fucking lazy. If they can pay someone to do something they will, rather than do it themselves. This manifests itself in the worst way when it comes to hiring lawn crews populated with illegal immigrants. These cunts show up with industrial sized loud as fuck lawn mowers. Add to that another couple of cunts with petrol strimmers. Add to that their pièce de résistance, the petrol driven leaf blower – the most stupid invention ever. Everything combined sounds like a fucking 747 taking off. This goes on for 1.5 hours every fucking Friday while they do the house opposite, the one next to that and the house next door. Never mind the ear splitting, brain frying noise and disruption this creates, as long as the leaves are gone and your grass is now 3mm shorter than it was.
Then the pressure washer cunts starts. For 4 to 5 hours at a time because it’s very important your driveway looks pristine. Not long after that cunt shuts the fuck up, the tree crew shows up to do some branch pruning. Lovely. I get to listen to multiple chainsaws for 5 hours. On and on and on it goes. Every fucking day.
On Monday all seemed quiet. Then I heard banging coming from somewhere. I went outside to see if I could figure out which cunt was causing this only to discover a house in the cul-de-sac behind me is having its roof replaced. Jeezus fucking christ – that’s a new one. All fucking day bang-bang-bang. Not content with causing that cacophony, the gringos need to have their fucking Spanish stereo blasting out while they work. Joy!
Yesterday some engine sound fired up. What the fuck now???? Some crew from the local cable company was replacing cable running through the back gardens on multiple houses opposite mine. They were running one of those generator things they haul around on its own trailer. Loud as fuck. Parked directly opposite my driveway.
You’d think this was a quiet little residential street. Nope. It would be quieter if I lived in the middle of the nearest fucking freeway. I’ve been off work for about 4 weeks now and I don’t think there has been a single day – including weekends – where the quiet has not been shattered by some cunt doing something loud. All bastards and I wish they’d all fucking die. Cunts.
14
Yank,
I don’t know what’s worse seeing and hearing what’s going on or having a fuckin neighbor who only comes out in the dark to sneak about like a fuckin bat. Was off all last week and I didn’t see them . I never moved all week but the cunt managed to refelt his fuckin shed roof clearly in the dark with loads of nails how did that happen the sneaky CUNT
7
That’s creepy and slightly insane. My advice is to shoot the cunt in the face. On second thoughts, I’m bound to end up doing 25 to life for the massacre I’m going to start in my street, so I could always do it for you since it won’t make much difference to the sentence.
8
Yank, I’m afraid shooting the cunt in the face wouldn’t work it would make the fucker good looking. He has the kind of face a dog wouldn’t lick Walt Disney couldn’t draw the hideous cunt. Face like a blind cobblers thumb
2
Let’s add to that idiot dog owners. Last week I had to endure a dog barking over and over for an entire morning. Obviously the owner had kicked it out into the back garden and fucked off out somewhere. So it barked at thin air for about 4 hours until it was let back in the house. Cunt.
Then we have Disco Boy – the name we’ve given to the cunt who lives 2 doors down. This deranged bastard thinks its OK to crank up his fucking outside stereo with fucking cuntry music whenever he’s out there burning something on its grill or mowing or doing whatever the fuck else this stupid cunt does. Anyone who rigs up outside TV and speakers and lives in a normal residential street is a cunt. You have no right to inflict your OPTIONAL noise on anyone else. Yeah, cutting the grass – I get that has to be done – annoying but necessary. But letting your dog bark its head off and playing shite outside at a volume you can hear inside your own home from 2 houses away is absolutely unacceptable. This is the mentality of the bastard scum who live around me.
On Monday I actually saw some old geezer mowing its drive way. Yes, you read that correctly. I can only assume he was using the mower to blow grass cuttings from the drive back onto the lawn. BUY A FUCKING BROOM YOU CUNT! Needless to say, he had mowed his front lawn only 4 days prior.
Several of the cunts who live nearby are retired. You’d think they’d be quiet, what with being old and all. Nope. They’re bored so they look for things to do or people to hire and it’s almost always fucking loud.
Oh yes, the cable crew are back again today. I asked them yesterday how much longer they’d be. The guy was apologetic for the noise and said about another hour and they’d be done that day. Well, about an hour turned into 2.5 hours and they’re back again today. A few houses further away admittedly, but I can still hear that fucking generator thing. I wish it would blow up and kill the lot of them. If there is a god…make this happen.
7
Sorry to sound like a smug s.o.b but this is one of the reasons I moved to the country. I have no neighbours.
7
Yes but dont you get rather loud moooooo! and baaaaaaaa! and cocker doodle dooooos every morning?
3
Baaas don’t bother me, no chickens in the vicinity. Only shotguns, especially in the pheasant season. Don’t mind ithat at all.
No screaming children or power tools or sirens. Heavenly. I’ve done my time in the burbs.
3
I live by the Isle of Wight zoo and every evening hear the roars of lions and tigers. Kind of cool.
6
Back in the late 80s/early 90s, British Rail (as was) used to do something called Network South East Days every now and then. For £5, you could go anywhere within the Network South East region for a single day – as many journeys as you liked all for a fiver!
A bunch of us would meet up somewhere, usually Lewes or Brighton and train hop, drinking our way down to Portsmouth. Pile on…buffet car….get off and find the nearest off license to re-stock…get the next train…..repeat until we got to Portsmouth. Then we’d get the ferry to the IoW, then the train to Shanklin. Then we’d have to walk (stagger) to The Crab Inn where we’d have a pint and a meal. After a bit of a rest, we’d re-trace our steps all the way back. Absolutely mental and good fun back in the day. Always like IoW. Happy days.
8
Until you realise they’re trapped in cages on the Isle of Wight.
3
LOL. That made me chuckle. Cheers Prime.
0
A word about petrol strimmers. The word is: Cunts.
And the nearer the countryside you get the higher the proportion of neighbours with chainsaws (this may be associated with woodburning stove ownership)
‘We love Hippyborough for its tranquility and clean air…Tarquin, are you going to bring in some of those railway sleepers you cut up for the stove?’
4
I nominated leaf blowers some time ago, along with cling film, as two of the most pointless inventions ever. I don’t think the nom got through though. Anyway, heartily agree with the above nomination. Fortunately the cunts who do the gardening at my block are only there during the week when I’m at work – mind you, it’s some of the other noisy cunts in the building who need to be machine gunned, especially the Italians next door, noisy door-slamming cunts.
4
Holy fuck, I’m with Yank on many of the above points. Yes. I am constantly pondering if Californians are masters of outsourcing and it being a geographical blessing that we have a border of immigrants clamoring to come in. The sun-worshiping cunts that come in above ground and legally have a hard working ethos in my experience compared to the nation of dole bludgers I herald from and the nation of entitled pricks I landed amongst.
The average Californian male is just sitting around waiting to inherit the parents estate. In the meantime they amuse themselves taking as much PTO; paid time off as they can. Skiing at Tahoe and dropping the kids off at the pool both in scatological terms and in Country Club terms.
Speaking of Country Clubs; Doing the school run this morning we drove past said club and the Lawnmowers were already out hogging the roads. They are the size of a mini and have four drop mowers but I never see the cunts actually mowing the Greens. They seem to do all their work at dawn and get on the road during school traffic, the cunts. Still, they’re good people for the most part with good family values and make a mean margarita. Two issues. The cunts don’t speak much English except for when they wipe the floor with New Zealand during the soccer World Cup. Then suddenly they know how to speak English to me. And they turn up on their terms when they are working for you. Not yours. Good gardeners and modest size leaf blowers. It’s our cunting trees that are dropping leaves everywhere after all, and speaking of cunting trees, the neighbor’s oak is starting to give me grief; allergy season.
4
Pair of bastards on the other side of drain, spent 9 months rebuilding the fucking bungalow they had just purchased. Every fucking noise you could imagine plus radio 1 and a varied selection of fuckwits shouting and generally being builders.
Why not buy another house more suited I wondered. Bungalow done so now the garden, mother of God worse than the rebuild but only lasted 3 weeks additions and alterations included new fence, fell three mature trees relay lawn, new patio, barbecue area and so forth using the largest wood chippers, stump grinder and chainsaws the local tree butchers could lay their almost fingerless hands on. At last peace. Easter Sunday 09 30 hrs some cunt starts using an electric planer sceeeel, scrawwwwwler every 20 or so minutes, yes its mr rebuild the bungalow that did not need rebuilding. Now on war footing. Patience exhausted.
4
I don’t understand the logic of leaf blowers. They never blow neatly…..they just swirl the fuckers around in the air to land in another area, making the same fucking mess in purely an alternate location. Ludicrous.
As the Sheikh already stated in his nomination, what the hell is wrong with the old fashioned concept that is ‘a broom’? When I was a knee high to a grasshopper sproglet, I was doing this very job with my Dad – he swept and I scooped up the leaves and put them in the bin….yes, the old fashioned metal type with a lid. These days, if you dare put leaves in a bin of any kind, especially the WRONG bin, you would get lined up against a wall and fucking shot by the Rubbish Police of course, Nazi cunts.
I hate pedantic garden muppets, especially the ones who wake me up of a Saturday morning with their fucking sonic boom sounding lawn mowers or ear bleeder strimmers, the Alan Titchmarsh twats.
GET FUCKED, GREEN FINGERS.
3