A new TV version of the adventures of writer Nigel Kneale’s heroic scientist Professor Bernard Quatermass is in the works.
So yet another classic gets its sad corpse exhumed and propped up for the camera so that unimaginative writers and willingly enslaved yes-men directors can insult the memory of earlier, better writers and filmmakers.
If it’s not a remake of the first BBC series (or Hammer film) then it’s utterly redundant anyway as Kneale himself killed off Quatermass in the late 70s ITV show finale, in a nuclear explosion, along with the evil alien bastards and, rather pleasingly, several hundred annoying hippies.
The crappy 2005 remake of Xperiment doesn’t count because it was shit.
Given that Nigel Kneale passed away in 2006 who d’ya think will be writing this?
My bet’s on Mark FUCKING Gatiss, given his sterling work bumming the corpse of Sherlock Holmes into dust.
Kneale’s original stories addressed current (at the time) social issues but in a thoughtful, imaginative manner.
Now we can expect (guess which) social issues to be stuffed in the viewer’s face in the most witless and obvious fashion.
Cinematic necrophilia of the foullest kind, and none of these poofy modern actors are fit to play Quatermass anyway.
Except perhaps Timothy Dalton.
Cunts… (except Tim obviously).
Nominated by Mr Bastard
It will be a fucking travesty but we now have the perfect actors to play the creature; hambeast SJW mongs.
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Is Kenneth Wankaaaagh in it ? Sir Emma Thompson ? I do hope not.
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My money is on that camp cunt Russell T. Davies being involved in the writing of this in some shape or form.
I am not familiar with Quatermass as I was only 8 when it was originally aired, but if it is even remotely Dr Who’ish and science fiction-y, I would bet that Davies will be on it like a fly on shit.
I suggest they remake the nuclear explosion climax with Catweazle playing Quatermass and an unfortunate, on set accident where the nuclear explosion effects were real…….
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Nigel Kneale thought Dr Who was bollocks and refused endless BBC requests to write for it.
Didn’t stop the beeb ripping off Quatermass in numerous Who stories…
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All my mates saw Quatermass the first time round, but my parents wouldn’t let me see it, or much else. Mind you, on our 8″ B&W box with a separate oil lens and one channel, the sense of being there would not have been compelling.
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The original TV shows can be found online, plus the John Mills 1970s series (complete with a disintegrating society, battling street gangs and really shit TV programmes!).
The first two Hammer films look very dated but apart from some wobbly effects Quatermass and the Pit with Andrew Kier still holds up well.
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TY Mr B. First impression of Q and the P is that the acting is fucking terrible, but the story and scenery look good. Probably not under-12 fare so i’ll have to forgive my parents…
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Given that political correctness has been allowed to reach such high levels of insanity, I’m willing to bet that this version of Quatermass will be Quatermiss. Either a genuine female, or some transgender. Worse still, it could even be some limp wristed gimp who ‘identifies’ as female but is biologically male. That or he’ll be a gay man who is currently experiencing relationship issues with his ‘partner’.
And if that isn’t bad enough, you can guarantee that the writing will shite, because scriptwriters no longer care about producing good quality entertainment, they’re more concerned with ‘informing’ us about various issues that only the left give a toss about, such as transgenders, gays, single sex families, toxic masculinity, Trump bad, white people are evil, especially white men, women are far more intelligent than, and generally superior to, men, children don’t know what they gender are, so they should be treated as both male and female until they’re old enough to decide for themselves. I can imagine this new version will end with Quatermass being sued by the ET’s for breaching their alien rights, after he scuppered their plan to enslave and/or eat, the human race.
The cast will have at least one black person, possibly even Quatermass his/her/itself, probably a genius of Indian, Pakistani or Bangladeshi descent, someone of Oriental extraction, a street smart teenager, most of the white people, certainly the men, will either be morons, cowards, thieves, murderers, junkies, alcoholics or working for the bad guys. Probably a combination of those, but nothing that shows white people in a positive way. There will be at least one gay person, either a lesbian or an arse muncher, there’ll probably be a ‘non-binary’ person too, an extreme feminist who is so condescending, patronising and outright hostile to all men, that you’ll be praying for her to die a slow, agonising death, a Muslim (got to have a Muslim these days, who will be portrayed as wise, peaceful and completely tolerant of all non-Muslims), and everyone will be sad as fuck when the aforementioned lesbian/arse muncher dies after heroically saving everyone else from certain death. Did I mention that the white people will be evil?
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I think you have described every film and tv series that either is currently being made or will be made in the next decade.
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You forgot the feminazi’s whipped male husband bitch. He got nipple pads so he too could feel the joy and sensation of lactating.
He isn’t allowed to see his mates, never mind looking at an attractive women. However he does get points if he is condescending in the right way about her appearance (good luck with that, even for a man bitch that’s an unwinnable fight against a feminazi.)
His spunk sack still dangles, but we all know she really has them, locked away somewhere, so she could feast on them later. Until she finds the next weak spirited man bitch.
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I’m betting on an updated rehash of Quatermass and the Pit.
All that race purging stuff at the end must be ripe for an SJW makeover.
They can stick it up their Hob’s End…
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Nah, it would never happen.
Cos no extension to the London Underground would ever happen, so no Martian skeletons would ever be found. The government wouldn’t sanction any extension to the London Underground as the money had all been spent on attempting to prevent the country from folding like a tin can – due to Brexit.
Dianne Abbott would attempt to have Dr Quatermass arrested for his health concerns over her vocal support for eating KFC.
Dr Quatermass would be arrested and spend 2 years in prison, after which he would be released as a reformed character before taking up a specialist post in his home county as a LGBTQ practitioner.
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Apologies Mr B, off topic.
This morning received yet another “important” piece of correspondence from my energy provider E.ON.
Title (in red letters): We’re increasing your electricity prices.
What, another fucking increase- was my immediate thought.
The blurb goes on to say “The tariff you are on is subject to the government price cap. Ofgem (the energy regulator) have reviewed energy prices and have set a new level of the cap from 1st April 2019. From this date we will be increasing your prices”.
Predicted annual cost on your current prices until 31st March 2019 = £830
New predicted annual cost on your current prices from 1st April 2019 = £929
This is broken down with a 5.2% increase on the Standing Charge per day, and a 12.6% increase on the Unit Rate (per kWh).
By my reckoning that represents an increase of 11.87% or 5.65 times the current rate of inflation (2.1%).
No exit fees if we decide to fuck off and switch to another supplier before 1st May. How generous of them after 25 years of loyal custom. Realise loyalty these days is for mugs, and will be taken advantage of.
What is the fucking point of Ofgem if this is really the best they can do for consumers?
Furthermore energy providers forecast (project fear) that things may well get worse after Brexit when we will not receive any “Help” from our Friends in Europe and trading conditions will be more difficult.
Cunts.
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Reminds me of when we had Virgin Broadband.
Every six months an envelope would drop through the letterbox with “we’re making changes to our broadband service” printed in big letters, which simply meant a price increase.
Robbing bastards…
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Yes and also see my previous post – don’t forget the government is hiking climutchange charges on your energy bill by up to 66%. CUNTS!
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I got one the other day from EDf. Went onto Uswitch and I can get it £256 cheaper. Fuck EDF.
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Last year I went on to a 2 year deal but otherwise I check my options every year. Insurance as well, without fail. We are being mercilessly ripped off by every cunt on the planet up to, and including, our own fucking government.
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Not forgetting the additional charge (substantial) if you don’t want the cunts in your bank account but opt for paper billing and cash/cheque payment. Which is not mentioned in the new deal they suggest; the assumption is a standing order. The alternative E.Off suggested for me was some eco-outfit which guarantees it supplies from sustainable sources only. Given that the megawatts will come on exactly the same line from exactly the same place as it did before, this too is a scam.
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There is literally no reason at all for a remake, what exactly can it improve on? its just a shite excuse to sjw and diversify it to the core and piss off fans of the old show.
Speaking of quatermass… the band was really great shame they only had one album but its a classic in my opinion favorite tunes from thei album black sheep of the family, make up your mind, and gemini. Recommended to you cunters have a good one and cheers
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Always reminds me of “so glad you could make it” (Spencer Davis )
Great song that Titslapper. Thanks for the reminder.
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Spencer davis group was alright, steve winwoods first official band before traffic and I believe the song you are referring to is gimme some lovin which traffic did live quite a bit
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Quatermass’s assistant to be played by Emily Thornberry in her debut as an actress following a sudden loss of employment. The role will of course contain scenes of an adult nature, with some scenes of both full and partial nudity.
David Lammy will of course direct.
Quatermass…? I think not. As the Beatles once sang. ” Let it Be “
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Most if not all remakes are shit when compared to the original.
Obviously not enough talent out there to come up with original material, and have to rely on remakes or countless sequels.
Leave the originals alone- classics will stand the test of time and cannot be imoroved.
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I may be a pedantic cunt Admin… or a bit slow on the uptake… but isn’t the nomination misspelled?
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I thought it somehow didn’t look right, but hadn’t noticed the spelling.
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♪♪There was chiggun, chiggun being chased around by Flabbott in the Quartermass (ter’s) store…♪♪
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The original 50s Beeb ‘Quatermass and the Pit’ was one of the best things I’ve ever seen on telly. Scared and thrilled me shitless as a youngster. Bought it on dvd and was amazed how well it still stands up. I may be wrong but I think it originally went out ‘live’ as well.
I can just imagine how the new millennium ‘touchy feely’ BBC would remake it. The Prof would be black/and or female, Roney would be a tranny, fear of the Martians would be seen as an allegory about immigration etc etc etc
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The 1967 film was pretty good too.
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It was indeed PM. Can you remember the previous series to ‘the Pit’ on the telly? Called ‘Quatermass and the Mark’. Different actor as the Prof, but still incredibly creepy. Sadly special effects in the final episode make it look horribly dated now, but I can live with that given the sheer quality of the story.
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Agree totally. Shit my pants watching quatermass and the pit, back in the day.
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We lived in a house with an outside bog in those days Mince. I remember dying for a no.2 after one episode, but being too scared to go out in the pitch black. Me ma had to stand on the step in the cold, cursing and saying she wouldn’t let me watch it next week. Ah, happy days!
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Outside toilets.. now there’s a blast from the past. Used to love having a number two alfresco starting at the fields out yonder. Or the stars at night.
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The monumental lack of shit given about this pile of cunt….
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You’re missing the point, Quatermass will be a woman with a cock who accidentally discovers a plot to inseminate women with alien seed by handing out free tampons laced with E.T.’s jizz on it.
Quatermass only notices this when getting a rash when shoving one up his arse whilst on his period.
His assistant (a paraplegic Muslim woman who identifies as a Swiss Accountant) notices the little green swimmers as her robotic camera attachment gives Dr Quatermass an endoscopic proctal examination (something which happens at least once an episode – Quatermass is keen for his vagina to be regularly examined in this way).
On discovering this Quatermass goes to the home office to report this to Mullah Shah (Shariah Home Secretary) and soon realises that Shah is complicit with the Aliens in order to rid the world of normal people such as himself and the 68 other gender types outside of the archaic and redundant male/female biological ones.
Quatermass only escapes by tricking Shah into believing that it’s call to prayer time, sneaking out as the full kneeling “snackbar” call is uttered by the Mullah.
On his way out Quatermass is attacked by the Transvestite and Drag Queen Secret Service but – since “P” was legally added to LGBTQAI – they were mostly minors.
Returning back to his lab, Quatermass settles down to formulate a plan to foil the alien plot. After a swift proctal exam o’course.
Should be riveting. Made by the same team who brought you the hugely successful latest Dr. Who series.
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