Unisex Toilets

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Unisex Toilets are a crappy idea, aren’t they?

On a visit to my ultra-modern library to acquire books, I required a dump rather badly, a Forest Gump of rather large proportions.
I hurried over, tortoise head almost touching cloth and winking but saw the words ‘Unisex Toilets’ on the door. On entering two girls, mid-chatter and trowelling on the latest orange facial pancake mix, suddenly ceased their discourse. I’m not sure who felt more awkward. At least I didn’t interrupt a girlie cry. I subsequently manoeuvred with haste to one of the cubicles and, despite their presence and sotto dialogue, dropped off a Magnanimous load of nîglèts complete with soundtrack.

Why must we suffer these monstrous ideas? Is this another wretched Yank import like Black Friday, Trick or Treat, and childish spelling? Everybody seems nervous and furtive in there so is it a method to control people? Is it all just a ploy to save money?

When I’ve been on the lash I urinate like an aggressive racehorse and crack sounds from my arse like I’ve stepped on a duck. One hopes this gender-releasing cack isn’t the future for pub toilets. Yegad. Blokes’ and ladies’ toilet etiquette are about as compatible as the Flabbotasaurus Rex and a brown rice diet.

I must admit that now when Nature calls in the library, be it lemonade or chocolate, I go in the disabled trap. I like privacy. Frankly, Unisex Toilets, if you’ll pardon the pun, are shit.

 

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

73 thoughts on “Unisex Toilets”

  1. Unisex? Act of violence! what about the non-binary people?

    Seriously, the discrimination on this site…..

    Remember there are an infinite number of genders and those with none.

    I am So triggered that my safe space beckons.

  2. ****BREAKING CUNT NEWS****

    That MP bitch jailed for perverting the course of justice has been released back into da communidee after serving 1 month of her paltry 3 month sentence. Wot a fucking joke this country is.

    In other news: O’Shithead backing Steptoe’s demand for a “Loser’s Vote”

    All too fucking predictable.

    • Afternoon RTC. Onasanya’s very early release was as predictable as it’s disgusting. As far as I know the horrible cow is still collecting her MP’s pay, and can now return to the House of Commons, ‘having paid her debt to society’ . You know, just like how you and I would be allowed to return to the day job in similar circumstances.

    • Police investigating racist ‘despicable and threatening’ emails and letters sent to disgraced Peterborough MP Fiona Onasanya.

      Truly staggering.

      This country is finished. Run by incompetent wankers.

      • Presumably through the emailaprisoner.com “service”, Deploy? I didn’t catch that morsel of madness.
        You really would have to be a gold-plated daft cunt to use (or abuse) that; you have to pay, it’s actually slower than snailmail, and obviously far easier to track down any nefarious activity.
        Fucking hell, this whole cuntry is going round the twist, from top to toe.

      • Apologies: Mr Stroker, not Deploy.
        非常不好意思。
        I think I’m suffering from sunstroke, or was it that foolish choice of gravatar?
        All better now.

    • Afternoon Creampuff, and predictable stuff indeed.
      I notice that Onasanya’s majority was extremely slim at 607, so no need to burnish the crystal ball to soothsay what happens next. I can’t imagine she’ll be practising much as a solicitor either, so I think she’ll need to take up creative writing, cf Vicky Pryce’s with her scholarly “Prisonomics”.
      Unlucky she didn’t serve out the full sentence – she could have collected more titbits for her forthcoming masterpiece.
      Daft cunt.

      • Afternoon caughtspedding… striking new avatar you have – is that the blessed Appeaser following a zany night out running through wheat fields? Coincidentally she’s just announced she’ll be taking No Deal off the table and extending Article 50….

        Such predictable unpredictable times we live in.

      • Pretty much spot on!
        A bit of light Photo-shoplifting by JimmerUK on b3ta.com, to which I added some text. [Original pic 2017, Dylan Martinez, AFP/Getty.]
        I think I might revert to my Jesuan rooster, it’s all getting a bit too upsetting. Sterling up nearly 1% on the “excellent news”… predictably enough. As Bronson said, this really is going to get extremely hairy.
        Lovely day out of my window, how’s the caffeine boycott going?

      • Lovely Spring day here in Portmeirion.

        Caffeine all done and dusted CS, it’s Kenco decaf all the way for me now, till death us do part. It’s also freed up room for more interesting psychoactive substances…

    • Unbelievable, its a travesty of justice, should have been between 6 and 36 months, to my mind as someone who is supposed to be honorable it should have been the maximum.

      What a cunt, and we are paying for this bitch, she deserves all and any abuse racial or otherwise.

  3. Will we have to provide unisex paving slabs for the ever growing number of street shitters entering the country…?

  4. Shit indeed, if my long-distant experience as handyman on a caravan site is still valid. The Ladies was invariably a festering tip, while the Gents, while far from pristine of a morning, at least did not induce projectile vomiting. Unisex will inevitably combine the worst of both worlds. Worth a petition to Parliament, I feel.

    • My ex said, after a visit to that “seat of learning” Cambridge, that if I thought the gents (in the Lion Yard Centre) was unbelievable, I should’ve seen the state of the ladies.
      How tf, when they shurely sit down to go about their toils ??

      • At a guess, HBH, the reason is likely to be widespread and uncontrollable eruptions of diarrhoea, caused by the shitty food endemic in the town?
        Twas ever thus.

      • I certainly remember going to a place called (I think) The Whim, with my Da (in the 80s). It was suggested in the student handbook that they served up dog food there.
        Much as I like Cambridge, I was always hard pressed to find (m)any decent eateries there…

      • The Whim was slightly before my time; it was a Liberty’s when I was an undergrad.
        I do unfondly remember the amusungly awful “Eraina Taverna” in Free School Lane, and the equally abhorrent Eros in Petty Cury.
        Ian Kitching’s orphan-rich site informs:
        http://www.iankitching.me.uk/history/cam/whim.html

        The fact that Cambridge food was utter, utter shit changed my life. Imagine just how nauseatingly inedible Formal Hall and “buttery” food must have been for these unfeasibly shocking “restaurants” to actually exist.
        I sensibly took to self-catering (but still had to pay the “Kitchen Fixed Charge” – the robbing cunts).
        My first job after graduating was with Christian Delteil at L’Arlequin in Battersea, and I’ve loved cooking ever since!
        The fucking Whim, for fuck’s sakes.

    • George Michael would’ve been horrified with my library’s unisex shitter, CC. To avoid women, his sordid gloryholing would’ve looked like he’d been Careless with his Wispa.

  6. Hard to take issue with your opening gambit, Captain, but speaking very personally, I’ve enjoyed a fair bit of in-and-out at these venues over the years.
    One in particular comes to mind, in a Sainsbury’s, whereby you asked for the key at the Customer Services desk. Unusual arrangement perhaps: but there was lots of space, a padded vinyl baby-change platform, stirrups for the disabled, hot and cold water, tissues… everything you could possibly desire.
    There was a certain frisson as people began knocking, thereafter necessitating an attempt at a furtive exit. Happy times indeed, and sorry Cap’n, but it’s a “thumbs-up” from me.

    • I usually find that an agonised sotto-voce “Crohn’s disease” scares the life out of attendants and management.
      Probably worried about Elf’n’Safety isshoos re spillages…

    • Hmm, I don’t think you’re thinking of the same thing, CS. The Sainsbury’s one is a one shop lock thingy for anybody. However, the one in my library is a room with a line of traps separated by a flimsy bit of plastic where every splash and stepped-on frog, male or female, is amplified and every basin is taken by a woman applying her make-up.

      Consequently, it’s still a thumbs-down from me.

      • PPS Captain.
        After sugars in her urine, I think she might!
        Reverting back to the Jesus okukor tout de suite. I too can bear it no longer.

      • Sounds pretty fierce, Captain, and my mistake. The rather old-fashioned Sainsbury’s arrangement was a different kettle of fish altogether.

      • I don’t mind the Sainsbury’s ones, CS. Relax, take your time, make noise, shout, “Occupied” every few minutes. There’s even time to give the old Hampton a bit of a rinse which you can’t do in my library Unisex loo, God knows I’ve tried.

  7. Basically with you on this Cap’n. A good bit of cunting.
    One thing which does piss me off (no pun intended) is the increasing tendency of women (that ‘entitlement’ thing again) to commandeer the gents toilets anywhere if the ladies is busy. Try going into the ladies and see where that gets you if you’re a bloke.
    One more example (albeit relatively minor) of toxic femininity in action, which was cunted yesterday.

    • It always makes me snigger watching wimminz trying to figure out how to pee in the trough.

      There are too many accessories in loos nowadays. Baby changing, rentokil bins, posh hand creams, turbo hurricane hand dryers, sticks sticking out of perfume bottles and toothpaste machines can fuck off.

      Goodbye for now.

      • Afternoon RC
        The thing that REALLY gets my goat is those drum like bog roll holders that are fastened on to the side of the wall like a spare tyre on the back of a jeep. You can never find the find the end of the roll up inside the thing, and they annoy the life out of me.

      • Good afternoon RK, and what a beauty it is.

        Toilets are for pooing and peeing and all of these accessories that make our lives easier, just don’t.

        Toodlepip.

    • Good Luck trying to say anything to them, Ron. Once, after innocuously raising eyebrows when encountering an overweight, middle-aged woman when I’d entered The Gents, I received a torrent of profanities alluding to the ease of being a man, “it’s alright for you” and “we have to fucking stand and wait…”… and this was without my saying a word! Perhaps if they sat, pissed, wiped then left, instead of spending twenty minutes on their mobile documenting their evening so far, gossiping, complaining, then reading about a celebrity trout’s latest baby, everybody would benefit.

      • It can be rewarding when it goes badly for them, Cap’n. The wife and I were in a teashop in York recently where there’s one ladies, one gents, set side by side. Was waiting behind a wimminz who just walked into the gents without a by-your-leave when it became free. I thought ‘fucking typical’ so when the ladies became free, I went in there.
        When I came out, a frosty faced old biddy glared at me and snorted ‘THAT’S the ladies! You shouldn’t be in there!’
        To my joy, at that moment the door of the gents opened, and the woman came out. ‘Yes’ I retorted loudly, ‘and THAT’S the fucking gents!’. Both of their faces were a picture. Fucking ‘entitled’ cunts.

  8. Appeaser’s just caved in to extending Article 50, assuming the House of Common Cunts vote against a No Deal WTO Brexit, which they will of course.

    All too fucking predictable (yet again).

    • Pure fucking unashamed treachery. Democracy is dead.
      At the same time Tommy Robinson has been deleted from Fuckbook……permanently!
      The cunts are closing in.

      • Put me down for halberdier. I could understand this clusterfuck if our MP’s were all gangsta rappas, but it’s making me deeply ashamed of being white, as it goes.

      • Youtube banned abunch of conservative/RW leaning channels recently and are starting to hold youtubers accountable for racist/ sexual comments which youtube hilariously deemed illegal We are closer to 1984

  9. unisex toilets? you mean they finally made toilets for unicorns thats impressive thought unicorns went extinct decades ago

    • Personally I’m still trying to find the start of the woman’s talents (aside from that of being a thrice Cunt of the Year).
      Afternoon Mr S.

  11. To be pedantic, the prefix uni- means one, so unisex toilets are for one sex, not the 38 we currently appear to have. Let’s get back to basics.

    Oh, and May’s a cunt.

    • I suppose it must be bisex then. Erm, no, too binary.

      Ok poly-sex then. Hmm, now I’m seeing talking parrots.

      Fuck it I give up.

  12. Indian Army Airforce recent bombing Jashe terrorist camps is islamicphobic and a little bit racist in my opinion

  13. Some great phrases in this cunting.

    Had me hooting like a gay Martian and triggering the Surrey mums.

  15. Prince Charles has his own netty-seat which he takes on official visits so that the Royal Cheeks aren’t contaminated by stray piss streams. I do the same. Of course, I try to avoid using Public toilets if possible…too many Gays and other people with dubious personal habits, but sometimes anal-leakage after a Guinness night is inevitable.
    My toilet seats at home are buffed oak,polished to a shine by years of service,but the one that I carry with me when out in public is just pine. I wouldn’t want to appear pretentious or odd.
    I would never use a disabled toilet for fear that the “disabled” in question may be one of those ones with no arms or legs or vocal-chords. I might not notice him bobbing up and down in the pan and shit on him. That would be the act of a Cad.

    Armitage Shanks Vitreous China is the only acceptable thunderbox.

    Fuck Off.

      • …and Izal toilet paper,no doubt.

        I,of course,use only 4 Ply Royal Luxury White Bathroom Toilet Tissue Roll.

        🙂 .

      • Izal bog roll. Shudder. It’s enough to make any self-respecting Chalfont disappear back from whence it came double quick Mr F

    • Armitage Shanks sounds suspiciously like the sort of guy who might have a supply of Novichok about his person…No escape for Towelmaster this time.

  16. I believe there may still be living a former officer at RAF St. Athan (or somewhere) who is the proud possessor of one of HM the Queen Mother’s stools. He filched it from the royal cludgie which had been installed for her sole use should she have wished to void the royal bowels during a visit to the base, and kept it, I understand, in a bottle. I have no further details on this.

    • Thank fuck you’ve ‘no further details’ K! The mind positively boggles as it is…
      If proud owner is still about he should do the honourable thing and donate this historic artefact to the British Museum, to serve as a reminder to the people to venerate the QM as the National Treasure she so obviously was.

  17. I’ve only encountered this awful idea once, at a café/restaurant in our fair capital city though each one was quite sealed, leaving only the uncomfortable and strange feeling of washing hands next to a lady. Men’s toilets are bad enough without being more awkward. It must be Hell if you’re a lady.

  18. I like to leave the lid down and drop a big peanut infested Richard on the lid. Thank u very much

    • I do this in McDonalds if I’m caught short in town, then piss all over the floor.

      The McShit.

      • Its a wonder they haven’t installed squat toilets for McDonalds in some of our more culturally enriched areas to stop the natives being confused by seats, toilet paper and a handle, El Capitan.

      • You lot don’t know yer born. When I were’t lad, all us ‘ad were’t bits o’ yesterdis’ payper to wipe us arses on, and fuck all on Sundees.
        Durin’t wawah…
        etc.

      • ….an ye walked five mile t’ school rain or shine with nowt for lunch except a exotic tangerine which wor also me birthday present……..

      • When I were a nipper there used to be this joke in the playground:
        Kid 1: Oi, Second Hand toilet paper. Ha ha. D’ye get it?
        Kid 2: Ha ha, yeah.
        Kid 1: Urrghh! Kid 2 gets second hand toilet paper…urgh…don’t touch him.

        Then recycling arrived.

  19. Loved this nom. Had a good giggle at Captain’s experience. 😁

    The fairer sex would have you believe theirs smells like perfumed roses but some of the most obnoxious odours I have smelled – courtesy of a dump – have emanated from ladies.

    I’m also not too fond of wandering into the sit-me-down, lifting the seat, and seeing Dracula’s breakfast staring back at me! Ewww!

    —-

    This bloke doesn’t do unisex toilets.

    In fact he doesn’t do toilets at all!

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-46261480/hartlepool-the-town-where-police-don-t-come-out

    (2:20 into the video)

  20. Got back from a trip to India recently and thought of ISAC when at any and all tourist sites you’re all expected to form orderly queues (Indian or tourist when you pay , then as you enter, male or female). Seems India needs to get “woke” to the idea of there being a plethora of genders… or I need to take advantage of my potential OCI (o’seas citizen of India) status and fuck off there sharpish, Corbyn-as-PM-threat withstanding. You’ll be glad to know I recalibrated my ‘little brain’ while there aswell so bar any Lubbocking with forthcoming divorce, the future’s looking bright, and Desi…possibly.

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