OKAY so Blighty grinds to a halt in a liitle spot orf snow. Par for the course for this pathetic snowflake generation. Look up the winters orf 1947 or 1963 for a real freeze you cunts or will that scare diddums. Blighty kept going then and can keep going now. Just takes a little preparation before venturing oit. Preparation? Wassat?
What it is is taking precautions such as driving orn softer tyres (you let a spot orf air oit cunts) for better grip, a little servicing orf the battery and its connections to ensure a good spark and vitally stick a shovel (still use me old WW11 entrenching tool) with a bag orf sharp sand (the gritty stuff cunts) and some old school sacking or strips orf carpet in the boot. You put it under the driving wheels to obtain the traction you need cunts.
With that lot on board you can drive oit orf any dicey situation. Plus the other old tips such as keep a constant slow speed in second gear and if you have to break do it gently, pump and release, pump and release (known as sequential breaking, not sex for the over sixties). What your Satnav or InCar App don’t tell you that? Gertcha You Cunts.
Me old Bentley happily motored through all the ice Armageddons previously mentioned, is getting orn famously with present powder snow despite running orn ex WW11 crossply tyres (bought a stock in at the end orf that show). Have some chicken wire snow chains just in case.
“Follow me, lads! I’ll get you oit!!”
Only advantage Yours truly has over you callow cunts (apart from being Yours Truly) is me old motor has superb groinde clearance so unlikely to bottom oit in unexpected deep snow and an ace column mounted pre-selector gear shift (look that up yourselves cunts) with plenty orf low gears.
“Fuck Orf! I’m finishing me single marlt.”
Orn distaff side the old leather and horsehair upholstery freezes me arse orf but is excellent for me piles and the ferocious turbo blower heater just aboit keeps up with the icy draught coming in through the holes in me floor. Compassion for the cunts caught oit in it? All coming together in Blighty’s finest hour? Fuck orf and freeze your tits orf you cunts.
Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke
PS
Might add that YT always travels with a fully stocked drinks cabinet (lovely original walnut veneer built in jobbie). Thus if the worst does come to the worst there is always the option orf getting totally pissed.
WW11? What fucking century were you born in and how did you get back to this one?
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It must be a real cunt having to hire a carpet fitter to crawl in front of the car; slower than a man with a red flag.
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I’m not going out there!
There’s a good inch on the ground!
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“I may be some time”….
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1963 I was at school but I can’t remember the winter…. it was always fucking cold in winter when I was a kid…. one fucking coal fire for the whole house, no insulation , frost on the inside of the windows….
Brrrrrrrr.
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Aaarh but we was appy in them days…
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We were so poor we had to wank the dog off to feed the cat.
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A treat for us was going to KFC…to lick other people’s fingers….
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Luxury! There weren’t no KFC when we was growing up…
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-30c in Chicago the other day. Now that’s something.
Can’t complain though, got me a home day from work this week. Good ol health and safety!
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I spent some time working in a book warehouse (no, NOT in Dallas), and the Scots security guy had lived in Canada – Winnipeg, I think. He said there was virtually another city buried well underground. Minus 40 up top, though.
Limpers, you should write a survival guide. Snow…pah !! Am more bothered about Oddbins disappearing (again). Decent wine merchants now seem to be a thing of the past, no more chaps with purple noses in green aprons: they knew what they were talking about.
Went into an (independent) fish restaurant to ask if they had Chablis on the wine list (as the food looked pretty good and non-poncey…)
“Dunno wot yer on abaaht” came the reply.
If I bought my own along, how much corkage ?
£15-. per feckin bottle.
So orf to Sainsbury’s, fish off the market, good knees-up at home.
The resto went bust, some O’Leary type owner cunt claiing it was a cash-flow prob. Yeah, no cash flowing…
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Second time lucky ??
Limpers, you should write a survival guide. A couple of inches of the white stuff…pah!! Security guard at the book warehouse I worked in briefly (NOT in Dallas) had lived in, I think, Winnipeg. He said they cope with minus 40 weather by having most of the place underground…
I am more troubled by Oddbins going down the crapper again; decent wine-buying opportunities seem very thin on the ground on the average high street these days. One needs to be “county”, or buy in bulk. Sadly, I am / can do neither…
About a year ago, went into a reasonable-looking independent fish restaurant locally, asked them if they had Chablis on the wine list (as they’d already said they’d get Dover Sole for me)…
“Chablis ? Dunno wot yer on abaaaht, ” said the gormless little bint who called herself the manager.
If I bring my own, what’s corkage ?
£15-.
Per feckin bottle.
Went to Sainsbury’s, got their quite reasonable bottle for less than £15-., fish off the market, and a good knees-up at home.
Not long after, resto ceased trading, and an oleaginous Michael O’Leary lookalike cunt cited cash-flow problems. As usual, there just wasn’t any cash.
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Have those cunts at the Met Office had the nouse to advise us to put on a coat and stuff when going out this winter?
They didn’t last year… had they done so I could have avoided hours of unnecessary misery wrapped up in bacofoil in A&E, getting treated for hypothermia day after freezing fucking day, just cos no publicly funded fucker had the common decency to warn me not to go out without wrapping up well, I mean what’s the point of these blockhead drains on the taxpayer if not to dispense common sense advice to an increasingly infantilised citizenry?
Top-Tip: remove your coat when you come in from the cold, otherwise you won’t feel the benefit when you fuck off out again.
Also, have also noticed the bills go up if you turn on the radiators, so best not to bother with them.
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Oh for a simpler time when this was known as plain ‘winter’ and not every seasonal storm was given its own name and treated as an event rather than the norm. If your car windscreen ices up in the mornings Creampuff don’t panic, this is normal. If in need of help I’m sure there is a whole BBC Weather page dedicated to such matters.
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Cheers LL – have just checked out BBC Weather page, but it says nothing about not going out dressed only in pajamas, so really none the wiser, but appreciate you taking the time, thanks.
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Pardon my tendentious contrariness Sir Limply but I adore the snow. Long may it stay.
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Damned right, Cap’n.
Despite being in my mid forties, I still get a child-like delight at seeing beautiful falling snow, especially at night.
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I always find it seems really quiet when it snows, yet at night you could swear you can hear it snowing.
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Here’s one for the gender transferrals:
What’s the difference a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
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Fuck me, Thomas you look like you have had a hard life. Mid 90s more like!!!
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Sorry awld lad but it’s not “sequential breaking” you’re stabbing at – it’s “cadence braking” you mean – A technique used back in my rallying days, long before ABS took over. Dab hand (or should that be foot) at it myself.
Another tip for rear wheel drive – apply the handbrake a couple of notches – evens out the drag on left and right driving wheels, so neither spins uncontrollably (the object of the differential). Won’t work on front wheel drive, obviously.
Beyond that – slow the fuck down – but keep going and don’t tailgate me – because I’ll be able to stop and you won’t !
Worthy cunting nevertheless
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I was in our high street last picking up a curry. The incline was causing bedlam to cars coming up the slope.
People came out the pubs and shops to push cars and help keep some cars straight as they weaved up the slope.
Strangers were talking and helping each other.
I liked it….
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No sense in venturing out . Wood burning stove, knackers out and sweating as Jasmine Harman uses her cleavage to sell a villa in Santarini to a retired couple from Basildon.
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Sweating like Rolf Harris in a Teletubbies costume.
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Holy shit – Jasmine Harman…
I would gun down a convent full of nuns to get a chance to get my trembling hands on those jugs!
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There is a ‘best of Jasmine Harman’s wobbling tits’ upload on YouTube. Kleenex and Vaseline at the ready!
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I always thought she was seriously hot.
Most surprised to see that the “allegedly” size 12 Baroness Harelip-Hindlegge doesn’t get a rating.
She resembles Baron of Mutton dressed as lamb.
Manages to make a Burberry trenchcoat look UNsexy.
Always looks like a piece of left luggage.
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I should hate myself for googling that
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It’s precisely this type of nannying warning bollox by the state and general idiocy by the plebs, that I no longer have faith in Britain making a clean break from the EU and making a success of it. We have a nation of almost 50% remainer snowflakes and crappy a BRINO deal on the way. I must have been dreaming.
Not trolling , just what I think.
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Every year about now Sly News put all their effort into telling us that it’s the end of the world because 1 quarter of an inch of snow has settled in Suffolk.
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I blame the snoflakes…
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I blame the snoflakes…
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Seeing this post reminds me of a good prog on Ch4 (unbelievably, they DO exist – minus Jon Snow (oh dear…) and the Newman trout). Great British Car Joutneys, Peter Davison and Christopher Timothy.
Roads in Scotty seem to be a little behind Oirish ones. It seems north of the boarder, some have only recently been tarred.
In Oireland, they are tarred AND feathered. Perhaps the Ticks are more advanced than we give them credit for…
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I can’t wait for the day I’m so far way from ‘Shit-Tain’, that I can I point and laugh at the wanderers of the ravaged wasteland desperately asking for help, to power their phones and I-things in the midst of a completely collapsed infrastructure. Of course they’d be trying to weave in and out of the gaze of their fundamental Izzy overlords, which they’ll all still be convincing themselves was a far much better governmental option than the old duffer ‘Brexit’ racists…
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I tried to call our Carol or Helen Willets, the beeb weather ‘girls’ to ask if i should put my coat on today but couldn’t reach them and am now in a complete quandry about what to do next.
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Fellow cunters will know that I live in the Highlands. I drive a SUV with 4×4 (unlike most 2WD pretend ones) and I have winter tyres. I drove 30 miles each way to have lunch with my Mum yesterday (she lives on the more temperate Moray coast). Despite snow lying on the roads all the way, I frequently overtook locals and tourists pottering around at 35 mph, some even blowing their horns in annoyance! Winter tyres are great, but only worthwhile if you live in a place like the Highlands.
If you drive on summer tyres, follow Sir Limply’s advice on winter driving cadence and you wont go wrong. Even in rear-wheel drive cars like BMWs. They are prone to the rear end “stepping out” – take your foot off the gas and correct the skid. It worked in my 3 and 5 series.
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Down here on the southern softy south coast it very rarely snows worth a light. But a few years back we had some proper stuff and it froze for a few days the A27 from Chichester to Portsmouth and the A3M was like an ice rink and I loved it. Had an old Rover 600 2.0 autobox kept it in second and never missed a beat more grip than I needed and once on the main drag put it in Drive and did 60 mph no problem. Light touch on the steering and gentle on the brakes.
Only saw a few cars on route. Got to my workplace 20 miles away and no one else turned up so at lunchtime I called my boss and he said go home and I’ll still get paid. Also went out into the country to feed my horse again no problems on very slippy country lanes.
Fast forward to 2019 and a slight dusting of snow the roads a little slippy slidey but my 2009 Civic R managed very well but the roads were almost empty my commute time down by half even allowing for the conditions, schools I pass obviously closed etc. UK 2019 a nanny state full of weather obsessed wankers and arseholes who are scared of their own shadow.
For real weather try North America or Scandi countries or Russia, China, or pretty much anywhere other than here.
I give up.
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More than once I would ride my bike to the pub in the snow on a Saturday night if there was a decent band playing.
Even earned the grudging respect of a couple of former HA members.
Can’t be afraid to get a few flakes on ones helmet…
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