Food

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Food

Food. We eat it then we excrete it. Today´s cordon bleu is tomorrow´s crap. So what´s the big deal?

Why the hushed reverence for haute cuisine? Why are plebs like Gordon Ramsay, pretend plebs like Jamie Oliver, untalented offspring of former Tory ministers, like Nigella Lawson – whose boorish husband slapped her beautiful face in a restaurant, perhaps because the food was better than the crap she served up at home – drunken slags like Delia Smith – who I remember was as chaste as Tess of the D’Urbervilles when she first hit the screen about 40 years ago and I am sure had never tasted real French coq-au-vin – and the rest of them given so much leeway to make the rest of us feel we are missing something because we don´t cook our dinners the way they do?

Nominated by Mr Polly

51 thoughts on “Food”

  1. These poncy starred restaurants work on the ‘I did see you coming’ model to part pretentious cunts with huge amounts of Wonga for prissy shite. Snail ice cream for fucks sake. Little swirls of colour around half a dozen beans. Uncooked steak and lamb. Shite the lot of it.
    Fish & chips. Curry. Bacon butties. Stew. Roast dinner. Proper fucking food.

    • Having had the pleasure of a few meals in the nearby l’Ortolan in Shinfield years ago, and I remember the even more grizzly-sounding snail porridge. I don’t usually do dessert, so unsure about the ice-cream.
      Undeniably, Mr Blumenthal does look like an extremely tricky forceps delivery gone awry, which might explain a few of his other idiosyncrasies.

  2. If you choose to you can watch food programmes 24 7. I find them all a bit boring. Having cooked for decades, I make my own recipes up. I do pickup the free Coop book and usually get an idea out of each one, but I change it quite a bit.

  3. The food i’m worried about is the food I won’t be able to buy when that massive social and economic disaster called Brexit occurs. I’m not stupid, I read the fucking papers, so i’ve been stocking up for months. I’ve even started burying some tins of corned beef and Fray Bentos steak and kidney pies in the garden so the looters can’t find them. Yes, when the breakdown of law and order comes i’ll be well prepared. My next door neighbour reckons he’s going to escape abroad but I told him your passport won’t be valid, I read it in the Guardian you cunt.
    Then the idiot waves his phone at me and shows me his Just Eat app not realising that the phones won’t be working.
    If only there were some sensible politicians who would give us a chance to vote again now we know what it all really means.
    Or at least a PM who would go and beg the EU on her hands and knees to extend the deadline.
    No……just have to board up the windows and prepare for the punishment that we deserve for being so fucking stupid.

      • Will you please tell Mr.Plastic to fuck right out of my fucking life. 4 years of his nonsense. I’m signing off. Fuck you miles. Mrs. Fucking Plastic.

    • Freddie, I have a garage full of lettuce and tomatoes which you can share when the hammer falls. My au-pairs ( I have a few, just in case) are currently scouring Aldi for cream cakes and organic hummus.

  4. Creampuff Manor menu… unchanged since the late 1970s:

    Monday – prawn /chicken vindaloo
    Tuesday – pork sausages, baked beans & chips
    Wednesday – mince beef masala with broccoli & mashed potatoes
    Thursday – egg & chips /or pizza
    Friday – fish in batter, peas n’ mash /or chicken kievs & cauliflower cheese
    Saturday – spaghetti bolognese
    Sunday – nowt, my day off.

    Afters: ice cream /custard with fruit pies /treacle tart /chocolate sponge pudding. The occasional cheesecake…

    FUCK CORDON BLEU – well cunted Mr Polly.

      • Saturdays in CH were great.
        Simple.
        Fondue, alternating with raclette (with air-dried beef, small gherkins, onions, and extra-hot pickled peppers – those small ones. Dunno what they’re called…).
        And loads of white wine and kirsch…

    • A very fine afternoon to you, Mr P!
      Wide of the mark with Sweden and badly out of kilter with the Low Cuntries as I was, at least I now know your N°6 credentials are bona fide.
      Almost indistinguishable from the weekly choices at HMP Altcourse.
      Be seeing you

      • Afternoon caughtspedding – I am not a number, I am a free cunt. Also forgot to mention in a previous reply am in fact English (despite location), in case of any lingering doubts…

      • Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief.
        Taffy came to my house and stole a piece of beef…
        et seq
        Relieved to hear it,RTCP.
        On this topic, I just did a Google image search for that übercuntess, Prue Leith. 99% of the results were images of her alone. Check it out. Odd one.
        I was trying to remember the name of another “foodie” Mastercunt, viz Oliver Peyton.
        These people need cunting as a matter of National urgency.
        Piss on the lot of ’em.

      • She’s not alone. I saw the doddery old madam at Wincanton Races last Saturday being escorted between the paddock and the betting enclosures by a cuntry gent.

        Shame I never caught her tucking into a burger or a giant sausage but perhaps that came later.

      • Good Intel, Isaac. Next time, I suggest you throw her a cream horn or two at the daft bitch. Or better still, track her down and subject her to some ultraviolence, per Mr McDowell and his droogs.
        I wonder who her Patrick Magee analogue would be, if any?

    • What no cauliflower chickpea vegan patties or crispy tofu nuggets? You philistine Creampuff.

    • Prawn Vindaloo aaaarrrrgggghhh

      With mushrooms aaaarrrrgggghhh

      Please help this lost soul.

      Goodbye for now.

      • What kind of a MONSTER are you?

        I’ve had PTSD since you posted that you put shrooms in Vindaloo. Now Prawns? No, no I can’t take this at all. I’ve even had to resort to identifying as a roast dinner to help take the images away.

        You are one sick puppy RTC.

        Laters innit.

  5. Gordon Ramsay only started getting angry and shouting, after suddenly realising that he was doing a woman’s job….

  6. I think Mr Saatchi was photographed “mock strangling” Nigella(aaadeeedaaa) in the Mayfair restaurant. Or was it Belgravia? He may also have slapped her face, but I don’t remember that detail.
    Delia Smith irked me with her inordinate and needless emphasis on “accuracy” of measurements. Excepting pâtisserie, it really isn’t critical how many grammes of rosemary you strew round your crown roast of lamb. It rather gave the lie to her authenticity as a “chef”; she was, of course, a bit of a fraud and a fake. What really astounded me was how so many took her quite so seriously, and we had runs in Sainsbury’s on cranberries due to Saint Delia.
    Your opening statement brings something to mind, Mr Polly. M&S first introduced the chicken Kiev in the 70’s, and subsequently a superabundance of not only ready meals, but part- or wholly-prepped vegetables, fruit (&c) has dominated the food offer of all supermarkets. How long before we see in M&S a beautifully-packaged, perfect turd? Fully washed, prepared, cooked, digested and excreted. “Pedal-bin ready”, perhaps. You don’t even need to remove the packaging.

    • Does Chicken Kiev come with a sachet of NovyTolchok to sprinkle over ?
      M&S currently negotiating with Tom Cruise for access to his baby’s first turd…

      • Not too sure, HBL, better ask Stuart Alan Ransom Rose, Baron Rose of Monewden.
        He’s your man.

  7. Sorry guys off topic but I’m fucking fuming!
    Been really looking forward to Panodrama (Tommy Robinson’s documentary on the beebistan) and watched a live feed on YouTube…. shut down.
    Found another …. shut down.
    Found another …. shut down.
    Started a twatbook account.
    Found a feed …. as soon as the guy mentions that he criticised Islam and hope not hate had him fired … surprise surprise…. shut down.
    Can’t find any other feeds.

    FUCKING CORRUPT CUNTS.

    The documentary is supposed to be released at 9pm but no doubt it’ll be blocked.

    Unbelievable.

      • Yea thousands turned up and the event seemed to go really well, but the streams got cut, came back, bad quality…. blah blah
        I’d have gone but I’m a lazy cunt and if it kicked off outside the beebistan hq, and I got caught on camera, I’d probably lose my job so I pussied out. Haven’t got the dough anyway.
        Slung in a tenner for the set up though.
        I’m behind tommy 100% (ish). They’ve slandered him to fuck and the little bulldog is still standing.
        That gets respect in my book.

        Panodrama was supposed to be released at 9 but it’s tomorrow now.

        Keep an eye out mate… from the little I managed to see it’s gonna end John Sweeney …. he called gays “whooftas” ffs. … the SJW’s are gonna crucify the cunt for that at least.
        I would feel sorry for him but …. what goes around….

  8. Off topic, I have been following main stream TV media to see if there is any coverage of the Tommy R rally sticking it to BBC Panorama.

    Nothing!

    Not surprised, he isn’t the right sort of chap one would want on the box these days.

    Cunts, selective reporting , fucking media cartel sticking together.

    • I was thinking of going, Mr sick, but doubtless in common with many others, I couldn’t be arsed. Plus it is a bit of a trek to Media City, and there’s fuck all to do when it’s over.
      With this splendid bit of weather, it was possibly more successful than expected, but my idea of a day out has been on the land rather than in town.
      Nothing on the news, then? – Radio Manchester, Capital, Salford City, Legacy 90.1, Gaydio, other local muxes?? Did it even happen?

      • its reported on the bbc website, but really just to give a platform for the rival anti-nazi crowd

  10. On a visit to the zoo I noticed a small enclosure which didn’t appear to have any animals inside. In the corner was a French baguette which looked untouched.
    I managed to collar a bloke in a zoo uniform and said, “What’s this supposed to be?…there’s nothing inside.”
    He said “Oh! that’s just our bread
    in captivity exhibit”….

  11. Great nom Mr Polly. Thanks. It’s a top of my list for cunting. Poncy “celebrity” chefs, restaurants and food. Don’t get me started on tv cookery programmes especially the snowflake tears and suspense kind of “your sponge cake was a little dry, Brian, so fuck off now” The only one I ever watched was Floyd on Food. Not for his recipes which always included red wine but for the hilarity of his steadily getting totally pissed. He would splash a gnat’s piss amount of wine into the pan and then take huge swigs from the bottle. By the end he was slurring his words and throwing anything to hand into the pan. My kind of chef.

  12. Have always hated overpriced rip off poncy food, can’t be arsed with it and avoid like the plague.

  13. Am off to Albany Rd to get a bottle or two of Guinness, and some bhajis and samosas from Poojah’s, and some barfi or rasmalai to finish. Nice and cheap, too.

    Good evening to y’all, and bon appetit.

  14. Give credit to Gordon, he did once try demonstrating a recipe some of us actually like cooking; steak and chips. Gave me some useful ideas.

    As for Nigella, i think Saatchi used the patented Baathist death grip.

  15. Some folk eat Quails Eggs, Caviar and fresh vegetables
    Some folk eat frozen Lasagne, Oven Chips and frozen vegetables
    Some folk eat McCain Micro-Chips, Fried Chicken and no vegetables

    Yet every fucker’s bin smells the same ?

  16. Tnx for the heads-up, DtS. I am specifically interested in the interruption of “feeds”, as you call it. Seems we may be gearing up now towards a more “Chinese approach” to Internet access.
    A distinctly worrying trend if true, and although I personally have negligible sympathy or interest with Mr Lennon’s viewpoint and beefs, I do rather like the tradition of Hyde Park Corner.
    If indeed the turnout was significant (000’s) this alone means this shit should be out there.
    Marshall law GB next stop, peut-être?

    • Check out the “Civil Contingencies Act” enacted by the Blair Creature and kept in place by the “conservatives” who are anything but.

  17. A “moderate” cunting, not NEARLY hard enough on that mockney tosspot Jamie “sugar tax” fucking cunt Oliver.and his fellow virtue-signalling big nostrilled arse Hugh Fearnley-Witlesscunt. The former is a cunt of the highest order for getting the fucking SUGAR TAX foisted on us, turning every fucking soft drink to sweetener loaded , foul tasting, toxic SHIT while doing fuck all but poison us and clobber our wallets. I’ll bet the cunt won’t use it in his over-priced eateries. As for Fearnley-Witlesscunt, another shite-hound pushing the latest food fads (and his books) telling what’s “healthy” and what’s “junk” when a 100% beef burger is a fucking beefburger wherever it’s from, a nasty old “American” name does not make the former or latter “junk” that’s just arty-farty snobby CUNTISHNESS. My words to these overexposed self-important kitchen wallahss: FUCK OFF AND LEAVE US ALONE. As for that lisping mockney cunt Oliver, for getting that fucking sugar tax imposed, I hope you fall under a bus or go bankruptFor the record, I will NEVER PAY IT. Bout 100 2ltr bottles of Pepsi at £1 before the I-HOPE-JAMIE-BLOODY-OLIVER-GOES-BANKRUPT-SUGAR-TAX came in avoiding £125 tax, PLUS 110lrs of Pepsi and Coca-Cola full sugar syrup at a massive knockdown price on eBay and a bloke in Wales refilled all of my SodaStream cylinders, avoiding over £800 in tax. Private sales, NO TAX. FUCK THE LOT OF YOU.

  18. Knocking up funds from poncy food is akin to Emin’s bed, there’s endless ways to make money but if you can attract the attention and funds of the jaw stroking money types, you’re quids in saaahn!

    The foody lark is all bunkum, as dear old Keith Flotd mused in his final years that given all he’d seen, cooked and experienced, he sooner have good old Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney Pie any day of the week.

    • Mrs May is having a working dinner with her Cabinet.

      Waiter: What would you like for the main course, Ma’am?
      May:. I’ll have the steak and kidney pie.
      Waiter:. And the vegetables, Ma”am?
      May:. Oh they’ll have the same.

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