The Cunts ‘evolving’ car design, designing out safe features and designing in dangerous ones.
Last year I noticed a car entering a roundabout with one of its front lights out, not unusual I thought as modern cars often blow bulbs with their top class electronics and cunt drivers often drive with their front fog lights on when not required (a needed cunting in itself). But I noticed it again a while later as a car turned with one light out and then again and more frequently during the year before I twigged it..
Some cunt of a car designer had seen fit to design fog lights that light up individually in the direction of the turn. Bunch of bastards! Fog lights are for fog, if you want to signal an intended direction change then indicators are the expected and safe norm, not a lazy automatic single fog light, you cunts!
Same with Audi, not content with a simple and safe ‘instant on’ indicator, they have to design in a novel wanker feature to rise above the other marques.. Namely the delayed action knight rider style incremental LED indicator! What a cunt.. Such cutting edge design now means that when the Audi cunt indicates (which they rarely do), there is a one second delay while the led gets going and actually starts to scroll / indicate. Progress indeed. dangerous delay more like.
Finally, the latest design fad to reduce road safety is the eradication of the indicator side (front wing) repeater on modern motors with the added bonus of the front corner indicators being located on the inner headlight rather than outside it. If one of these cunts comes round a roundabout and actually indicates (quite rare) you can’t see the indicator as it resides grill side of a cunting bright HID headlight. ++good !
All of which means that if a modern car is behind me I can see it clearly as it burns a hole in my retina with its HID headlights, but if it’s coming around a roundabout or in / out of a junction I’ve generally no idea what it’s doing as the driver is most often a complete cunt on wheels and the car designers have made the car’s indicator systems completely useless!
Nominated by CuntryCunt
Electric windows? People don’t get any excercise winding them up and down. No wonder we have an obesity problem.
Goodbye for now.
5
I have cunty multi purpose bastard, hit and miss toggle switches on mine.
You press the button and you never know what will happen (unless its definitely up).
It also has a high speed fully open function that seems to kick in when its raining.
4
if you want cuntaliciouse cunting my work vehicle has such an array of safety and warning sticker on the rear left hand side glass of the cab I can’t see out of it if I am doing an inclined right turn!
3
People who don’t use their indicators should receive 200 lashes from the Cat O’nine tails then thrown into a ditch full of leeches then hosed with vinegar then left to the crows, the useless cunts.
11
I use my indicators on a “need to know” basis. If those around me need to know where I’m going, I’ll let them know – otherwise it’s my business, you nosey cunts. If you’re that close behind me that I need to indicate – then back the fuck off, you tailgating titwank.
7
Throughout my career and life I’ve witnessed so many “improvements” to things that actually make things worth. All I can think is people make changes to justify their jobs. And the more complex and fucked up it is, the more they can justify change.
One perfect example, a customer of ours in Kansas was a great efficient business, but unfortunately were part of major group, and head office decided to merge them with a factory in Pennsylvania. Forget the cash cost, the personal cost to the employees was life changing. What the cunts failed to factor in was the Pennsylvalia place was union controlled and, unlike England, a union controlled place in the US is parralising. It’s ridiculous. Say one of the workers spills something, he literally is not allowed to clean up but has to wait for a designated cleaner. So the business was basically ruined.
4
Good cunting cuntry, this has been simmering my piss for a while now also.
It’s just mass marketing bullshit, masquerading as some sort of safety feature cum bling enduced enhanced product feature crap. It appeals to all the ‘look at me’ wankers in society who value so called style over any form of substance.
Plus it’s mainly electrical enhancements or connected to some ‘sensor’ or other widget that is just more shite to go wrong/fail. You have to pay a main stealer £100s to fix cos none of the local garage have the ‘right software or fault codes’ on their diagnostic machines.
Pug 406 diesel estate running on filtered cooking oil. It’s the way forward.
8
Perfect cunting it was bad enough in the 90’s with fog light prick blinding you halfway through a bend these days it’s rampant on the roads. If there’s no fog turn your lights off cunts that’s driving considerately not doing 22 in a 30 blinding every other fucker
1
A valid, if somewhat recondite, cunting. I’m unfamiliar with the fog lamp arrangement you describe, but have been hacked-off-a-plenty with those Audi “sweeping indicators”. (Or should that be “dynamic”?)
I’ve long believed that VAG was an uncannily apposite description of some of the cunts at the wheel of these Audis, or “Audios” as my favourite porter referred to them, many years ago.
I suspect some of these embarrassingly childish gimmicks would fall foul of Type Approval legislation on closer scrutiny. On a positive note, such “progress” means most of these batmobiles for bellends now constantly monitor multiple parameters of the VAG cunt driver’s input, thereby making a successful prosecution for careless/dangerous/reckless driving satisfyingly straightforward. Apologies for the tautology there.
3
I’m learning to drive at the moment and fully plan on getting a car that’s a bit older and doesn’t have any of this modern bollocks when I pass my test.
7
I’m beginning to think that although expensive cars have indicators, there are no control stalks for them and they just come on during random turns of the steering wheel.
4
I recently took delivery of a brand new 1 ton JCB dump truck, it has indicator arms, high beam and low beam settings but no lights!
1
I best keep my powder dry on what I am driving then…….
I have to say that no HIDs for me – I have matrix LED which lets you leave the lights on full beam all the time and hope the software does its thing – I have to say, it seems to work ok.
2
My Hilux doesn’t need to evolve. I welded bullbars made from sharpened scaffolding poles front and back,I’m fairly confident that I can take out the advancing Zulu impi if The Dar Kies ever rise up and try and throw off the yoke of Imperialism….I’ll wait until I can see the whites of their eyes before I give them a taste of Japanese steel.
Fuck Off.
7
Great cunting.
So many modern cars have so many irritating features in the alleged name of safety. For example, on my Audi shitbox, there is an electronic handbrake. FFS, why? This requires a control system plus actuators to push the shoes onto the disks to deploy the handbrakes. More to go wrong. What the fuck is wrong with a mechanical lever?
Plus you have to ensure you have your foot on the brake before you can remove the handbrake via this silly little button in the centre console.
Automotive Arseholery at its best. A fucking Nancy-mobile.
My 1973 Rover P6 is a proper driver’s car. Power steering, intermittent wipers and a fuck off great V8.
11
Excellent motor, Sir! Had one myself.
3
Remember the P6, Paul. “fuck off great V8” you say – 3500cc, yet sadly less BHP than your average 1300cc these days. Back in the 70s, 100bhp per 1000cc was a serious target. Big, lazy, gas-guzzler – Assume you’ve had the cylinder head converted for unleaded ?
0
No, mine has the 10.5:1 CR standard engine – valve seats hardened from the factory. Runs on Super Unleaded beautifully.
184 BHP, standard cam but a warmed one due to go in. Outruns most modern shitboxes on the drag.
3
Excellent – Helped a pal shoehorn one into a Vauxhall Chevette years ago. Gathered up it’s skirts and set off like a bitch. Getting the exhaust to clear the steering column was a task. Nice to hear of someone persevering with an “awld ‘un” these days !
2
As usual most of this “progress” is the EU wanting car manufacturers to reduce weight, whilst having ludicrously large pillars with built in blind spots, while using tiny engines to move 2 tonnes of safety equipment, and having ever lower and lower emissions to save the environment.
So now u only have one reversing light, to save weight, one rear foglight, to save weight, one stalk, to save weight, and so on.
Sometimes I have to drive a Mercedes van, which has a single stalk, and everytime I put the windscreen wipers on I either indicate or flash someone. Whilst I haven’t been arrested yet, I look a right cunt.
2
And what the fuck is it with modern drivers that stop dead in their fucking lane when I drive up behind them with blue lights and sirens on and expect me to go around them???? There’s an empty fucking lane next to you, you cunt so pull over to the fucking left like The Highway Fucking Code says and let me past. Had some cunt do that in Lane 3 of a motorway, once. They received some feedback on the Bullhorn, I can tell you…..
7
Don’t drive cars, but this appears to apply to motorbikes as well. Ever more bollocks to stop you doing what you wouldn’t do anyway and display information you don’t need to know. Ever less convenient to service the thing yourself. And what’s with electric starts on anything under 250cc? Strictly for snowflakes, IMO, not that there is now any alternative. OTOH, vast improvement in the better class of tyres over the last decade or so, and the Japs don’t seem to be making machines which rust/rot away after 6 years now, either.
1
I have a new fiesta van st for work. Nice looking little thing. It has a 7” touch screen that encourages me to touch it when I’m driving. It has a speed limiter instead of cruise control, so I can’t put my feet up anymore when driving. It automatically stops the engine in traffic, which makes me panic thinking it’s stalled. It has lane assist to help me drive in a straight line, even though I remember driving in a straight line was an integral part of the driving test. It tells me when to change gear (like I don’t know that when it’s knackers are revving off I should change up!). And it has a button start so I can loose my keys in the car as well as loosing them in my fucking house!
To all manufacturers of everything – STOP FUCKING FIXING THINGS THAT AREN’T BROKEN! – you set of cunts.
5
And those twats that sit in front of you with foot on brake thus ensuring that your night-vision is fucked by their retina vaporising, eye-level brake light repeater.
But it is a safety feature.
I have learned to shut my eyes. I know when the traffic is moving again because my cheeks no longer feel the heat.
5
Remember the Austin Allegro, and its “square” steering wheel. I believe there may have been a sexed-up model offered with roadholding ability and a free tow-rope…
How could anyone forget the Austin Allegro ??!
2
Auto windscreen wipers. Thankfully my transporter ( dogs bollocks) doesn’t have them but I’ve been in a car that has. Driving west on the A14 on a sunny evening. The sun was at that cuntish height that makes you lift slightly off your seat to make use of the sun visor.
The car 100 yards in front of me wash wipes it’s windscreen . A few spots hit my windscreen as it sprays up and over.
My wonderful auto wipers deploy and now I’m doing 70 mph whilst looking at the mass smeared remnants of hundreds of flies , moths and Beatles , backlit by our nearest star.
Can’t say I was particularly relaxed at that point.
4
Very much regret the demise orf the good old trafficator (fuck auto cunting spell check don’t even recognise the word). Jesus H just realised most orf you cunts will never have heard orf one. A little illuminated arm/flag contraption that would pop oit oit the side orf the motor to indicate a turn. Auto nothing on those, t’was a little knob at the steering wheel (not Yours Truly) which had to be turned to the left or the right appropriately to cause them to operate. Nor were they auto-cancelling, great fun all roinde. Lots orf despatch rider types aroinde in those days and a great joy to fuck’em up by indicating a turn one way then screeching orf t’other.
Roinde about me third Bentley I think, possibly the ’80s, replaced me standard amber yellow flags with a brace orf Churchillian “I thank you”s. Marvel orf mechanics if I may say so but Old Bill started pulling me over. Seemed to want to take it personally. Also had them wired up into me hazards so both orf Churchill’s salutes came orn in times orf extremis. Could not miss me old motor.
However yet another appearance in the Magistrate’s Court later and YT bowed to the inevitable. Bastard all roinde, Civil Liberties ect ect.
3
My mum’s Morris Minor had trafficators. I remember every square inch of that car. It had a hole in the floor – you could see the road going along through it! No MOTs in those days…
3
Voice activated software. I’ve driven lots of cars – BMW, Merc, my Seat – with this feature. It never works. Utter bollocks.
0
The only voice activated feature on my old motor is when I shout “Start you fuckin heap of shite” on a winter’s morning. That sometimes works.
4
Tiger Woods, having just filled up his top of the range Mercedes, was in the ‘gas’ station kiosk to pay for his petrol. As he took his wallet out of his pocket a golf ‘T’ fell to the ground …. Being a non golfer and not recognising it for what it was, the kiosk attendant asked Tiger what it was … “It’s for resting your balls on when you drive”, he replied … “Fuck me”, said the attendant ..” They think of everything at Mercedes, don’t they”
4