Of Mice and Cats

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Take my word, mice are cunts. I wage a constant war against them in my greenhouse, where they chew on anything and everything.

Recently hostilities escalated to new heights. I opened the back door a fraction and in squirmed Fatfuck our lardarse moggy, with a twisted, crazed leer on his face. I knew he had something, and chased him into the hall, pointlessly yelling ‘oi you arsehole!’. This prompted him to drop his prey, which shot off into the living room and disappeared. Yes, cats are cunts too.

So in came the traps, and a 48 hour war of nerves began. At about 1 am, I was awoken by the satisfying ‘thwaaack!’ of a trap. I leapt out of bed, only to find to my disgust that Mighty Mouse had sprung the trap and fucked off with the bait.

Next day again saw Mrs K scuttling nervously about going ‘where is it? Go and see if it’s in the bathroom’ etc ad nauseam. Needless to say I ended up losing the rag, shouting ‘look! it’s two shitting inches long and it motors about like Usain Bolt on roller skates. How the fuck am I supposed to know where it is?’. ‘Tsk’ came the reply, ‘the older you get, the worse your language becomes’.

Mercifully, next morning saw the coup de grace. The little bastard was spreadeagled, Madam la Guillotine having done her grim work. With immense satisfaction I hurled the mortal remains into the bog, and proceeded to wave them off to the coast with a friend.

And what of the fat twat responsible for causing the trouble in the first place? Well with a monumental show of indifference, it promptly retired to its spot on the sill above the radiator, where it spent most of the hours in question either snoring, scratching or sniffing its arse. Cat or mouse; I don’t know who’s the bigger cunt of the two. Bastards both.

Nominated by Ron Knee

89 thoughts on “Of Mice and Cats”

  2. Morning Ron.
    We had a cat that did exactly the same thing.I Had to terminate the mouses tenancy with extreme prejudice.
    I read the cat the riot act and it promptly fell asleep, the cunt.
    In other news, a leading proponent of controversial gay conversion therapy in the U. S. has decided to divorce his wife and start dating men.
    This confirms my long held theory, as well as studies by renowned academics ,that people who frequently go on about ‘ The Gayness ‘ and all matters ‘botty ‘ are actually hiding something.
    You know who you are.

    • Does that mean that all the Trump haters all secretly prance around the house wearing MAGA hats or that people such as myself who slate Islam are secretly believers? I’d be interested to see those studies.

      • Speaking of Islam, Marks and Spencer are involved in a spat with our peaceful contingent. It would seem that the design on their aloe vera toilet roll bears a striking resemblance to the symbol for allah ( may he be shat upon, well yes I suppose so ,in this case ).
        Members of the goat bothering horde are calling for boycotts etc.
        They retail for £2.99 a pack, which seems very reasonable.
        Enjoy Friday prayers.
        : – )

      • I saw that too Jack. I really failed to see any resemblance of the embossed Aloe Vera leaf to the who should be shat upon.

        More unwashed fuzzies trying to impose their fucking ways on us. I hope M&S don’t capitulate for these filthy shiites. I am fucking sick of this; fuck them all to hell.

      • M&s said they have had that design for 5 years

        Fuck the peacefuls, i think this will see a marked increase in their bog rolls.

    • I detest Liquorice Allsorts. I have often denounced them as “The Devil’s Work” loudly in the village shop. Perhaps I am,in fact, Bertie Basset?

      Good Morning,Jack…an early start to the shite-stirring?

      🙂 .

    • There’s actually a couple of blokes moved into the area recently who detest Liqourice Allsorts as much as me. One of them’s a hairdresser and the other a florist. They houseshare. We actually “bonded” over a rant about confectionery and they invited me round for a meal…don’t think I’ll go,suspect that they may be slightly “light in their loafers.”

      🙂 .

  4. Light relief and well written. Made me laugh. As for bog roll with Allah on it, no it’s an aloe leaf. The original video managed 200 shares before the media picked up on it and blew a molehill into a mountain.

    Just because some cunt needs to go specsavers eh?

    Oh well, so begins another day sharing the planet with the insane shite stain called humanity.

    Give me mice and cats after all.

    • Light relief indeed, a bit of cheer amongst the daily doses of MSM Brexit scare stories.
      Good cunting.
      Good morning.

  5. Get a dog. My Staffy delights in killing mice (outright, no playing as with a cat) and will not relent until the job is done if indoors and whenever she can be arsed outside.
    One also hopes Allah date roll shall be available here soon as the Koran and Bible are less effective with a sloppy grog bog.

  6. Use poison for mice if they stray into the wrong place. Otherwise leave in peace, they do no harm. I am busy putting spikes around my trees to keep cats off the nest boxes.
    Best thing for a cat is a 0.22.

    • My cat, who i love dearly was shot by some cunt with an air rifle, cost me £200 to have the pellet renoved.

      If i got my hands on the cunt who did it i would shove the fucking rifle up their arse.

      I may hate fucking peacefuls, snowflakes, owen jones, and a host of other cunts but most of all anyone who is cruel to animals, they are the worst….. fucking cowardly pieces of shite!

      • Thank you for your support RTCp, I know my cat can be a pain in the arse sometimes and cats in general can be annoying, especially to gardeners but there are way to discourage them.

        A pellet from an airgun is not only cruel but pointless because the cat has no idea where it came from, I reckon whoever shot my cat was a teenager, since then I have moved and hopefully there isn’t anyone in my new area with a sick mnd who thinks it is fun to shot domestic pets.

      • Agree re pellet from airgun. However a 1/4″ ball bearing from a catapult does very little harm at 10-15 yards, and the true marksman can give the fleeing animal something to think about when it takes its next dump far from your seedbeds. They know where it came from – there’s enough noise -and they tend not to come back in my experience as one whose garden used to be a short cut for every prowling cat in the neighbourhood.

        Dog-owners have to pick their pets’ shite up.
        Get a Jack Russell for your mice.

      • Similar thing happened to us donkey’s ago when I was about 10. We had a cat and some low life cunt shot it; the pellet lodged about a half inch above its right eye, and the vet was able to get it out. Cost us half a crown at the RSPCA. From half a dollar to 200 notes. Fucking hell times don’t half change.

      • Yes Ron, inflation is a bitch

        It mounts up….
        Anesthetic, Surgery, Painkillers, 10 day check up.

        It costs the best part of £50 for his annual mot/injection 😀

      • I am close to £900 in at the vets because some little twat threw his bottle of BUD on the pavement, glass shards in his pad, puckering up for the £1,500 CT scan because glass doesn’t show on x rays.
        fucking shit beer too.

      • I have insurance now, pets cost a lot of money….. but still cheaper than a woman
        😀😀😀

      • I remember the eye-watering cost of flying two pet rabbits from Gatwick to Geneva; I went easyjet, the rabbits, apparently, had to go BA (fussy little flopsies).
        At that price, I hope they got non-stop Veuve Clicquot and caviare; when they arrived at the cargo side if Geneva airport, they were unceremoniously weighed, and import-taxed by the kilo.
        I don’t think keeping rabbits as pets is widespread in Switzerland…

      • As a teenmoggie I was shot in the arse by some cunt. I and 3 mates waited till said cunt came down from the tree he was hiding in, gave him a good pasting, transformed his prized air rifle into about 200 bent and broken pieces then trashed his bike for good measure. Cunt. Anybody caught shooting an animal should have the barrel bent into a spiral and rammed up his/her arse.

      • I often shoot, Moggie…nothing better than some fresh rabbit or pigeon…also rather partial to pheasant and grouse….must admit to shooting the odd feral cat too.

        You’re not going to ram my 12 bore up my arse,are you?

        🙂 .

      • I have no real objection to shooting wild animals, ambivalent about feral cats though I am, but I draw the line at pets.

      • Oh, me too. I’d never shoot a pet,unless it was worrying the stock,of course. A neighbour of mine had to shoot a dog a couple of years ago. Some idiots were stood watching their dog chasing in-lamb ewes. Too fucking stupid to stop the dog…claimed that it was “only playing” with the sheep.

      • I agree with the livestock issue, although I would be more inclined to shoot the owner. This is why I am not to be trusted with firearms.

    • With Cuntstable on this. Cats are cute and warm, but beyond that what is their purpose? No fan of dogs either but at least they serve some function and aren’t just an expensive shitting cuddly toy, one or more of which shit in my garden despite not being mine!

      Mice are nothing. Try angry parasite ridden rats.

      • But I am sure you wouldnt go as far as to shoot a domestic pet, water pistol should do the trick, cats arent stupid, they will get the message.

      • BB gun is a good option. I’ve hit foxes at 5m away and with fur it’s equivalent to a sharp finger flick. Only lethal to small birds (shock).

  7. I had the strangest dream last night Mr Fiddler. I was transported back to medieval times somewhere on the continent. I don’t think it was Brussels. Hamlin I think the name was. And Peter Mandelson was there! And all these rats were following him. But not only rats, gerbils, voles all sorts of other small creatures. What did it all mean? Can you interpret dreams Mr Fiddler? And now I get up an click on ISAC to restore my sanity. And what do I find? Mice.

    • No need for action Admin – have already reported General Schizophrenia’s Hate Crime to the Brain Police.

      • It’s not a thought crime as there’s nothing illegal. No need to call the Brain Police.

      • No worries, I’ve reported you to Cressida Strap-On instead. (That should have him shaking in his shoes – Ed.)

        🤣

      • RTC, you have aligned yourself with the totalitarian liberals by reporting the General for speaking common sense. I will stand with him against the worst that Cressida can strap on.

      • Cuntstable.

        I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, labelled or aligned with totalitarian liberals!

        My life is my own. Ha-ha-ha…

        Be seeing you 🙂

  9. One day I came home from Work to find the ex was going nuts. The cat had mangled a starling that had gotten into the bedroom. There was blood everywhere it must have been a mighty struggle. I’m cleaning it up and the cats sleeping on the sofa.

  10. ***BREAKING NEWS!***

    From your ISAC Royal Correspondent.

    Queen comes out with statement of the bleedin’ obvious.

    It’s time to come together, “respect” the will of the people, and deliver a No Deal WTO Brexit, if the EU is unwilling to “seek common ground” with the 5th largest economy in the world.

    Remoaners please take notice.

    • Fuck me RTC, from the opener you typed there I though Brenda was going to burst into song with Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration”

    • As a literary gent you must be familiar with Tobermory Mr Polly? The Saki short story. He is a ‘beyond cat’ who can speak. But he’s not very discreet in his utterances. Saki. Very much recommended to all cunters.

  12. As a literary gent you must be familiar with Tobermory Mr Polly? The Saki short story. He is a ‘beyond cat’ who can speak. But he’s not very discreet in his utterances. Saki. Very much recommended to all cunters.

  13. Without doubt our moggie is a fat idle fuck. I’d have fucked it off years ago except for the fact that the wife thinks the sun shines out of its arse. The cunt (the cat, no the wife).

  14. On Desert Island Discs they give you the Bible and the Complete works of William Shakespeare to take with you. I don’t think you’d be very interested in the Bible RT. If you said you didn’t care for the Bible and wanted to take another book ( and that was allowed ) which other book would you choose? I suspect it might be Brave New World or the the Complete works of George Orwell. I would take the Complete Short Stories of Saki.

    • I think I would take Anthony Burgess´s “Malayan Trilogy” set in the 1950s when Communist rebels were trying to force the British out. It centers on an English teacher called Victor Crabbe who has problems with his wife, mistress and a transvestite Malay houseboy who fancies him.

      The characters – Europeans, Tamils, Chinese and Malays – are portrayed mercilessly. No political correctness in those days – the Sikhs are thick as shit and only fit for work as security guards, the Chinese are penny-pinching and two-faced liars, the Malays are lazy and corrupt and the Europeans are selfish alcoholics who are unfaithful to their spouses.

      One of my favorite episodes involves a sexy but rather dim Christian Tamil woman called Rosemary whose dream is to marry an Englishman. A Turk who fancies her claims to be as European as any Englishman. “I sick man of Europe,” he says. He is always trying to get her to bed and inviting her to “come eat, drink, make jolly time” but when he finally succeeds promptly falls asleep.

      I´ve read it three times over the last 40 years and constantly dip into it when I want a laugh.

      • Only read A Clockwork Orange. Remiss of me not to have reading anything else. Because I liked the personality. I knew he was from the colonies. I must have a look.

        Re; the Nom. They never move on. The Left I mean. I did a bit of English teaching a couple if years ago and was staggered to learn the book I had to teach was ‘Of Mice and Men’. Fuck me I did ‘Of Mice and Men’ forty odd years ago. Still doing ‘Kes’. Still doing ‘Sons and ‘Lovers’. I suggested we should be doing something else in the staffroom. Greeted with absolute silence. The Left never moves on. They (literally) have No Imagination.

  15. I was minding my own business doing a bit of surfing when a quite large black object wizzed past my head. It was a fuckin bat ! My cat had brought a fuckin bat in. It flew all over the fuckin place making its fuckin clicking noise. My cat was out. Luckily it settled on the floor and I was able to catch it and release it outside unharmed. Some heartless fuckers would have squashed it.

    • Our cat a while back dragged in a huge live Magpie through the cat flap. How he had the strength in his jaws to do that I will never know.

      Brought it flapping and sqwarking into the front room, the Magpie flew out and into the dining room up onto the top of the curtain rail.

      Undid the front window locks and lowered the sash windows. The Magpie seeing this immediately flew out of the window to freedom Clever bird.

      Talking of vets bills, cat run over and injured in 2014. Only a year old. Spent £3k having him repaired. Money well spent.

      • We have crows, pigeons, magpies and a smattering of blackbirds, starlings and sparrows in our back garden – our, admittedly small, cat watches them all from a position of safety near the back door. Even had a red kite and, a few months ago, a heron. Not bad for a suburb.

      • Willie, lost mine at new year. She needed an operation that would have cost me thousands and I signed up for it, but they rang the next day to say she’d deteriorated and it would be kinder etc. But I was willing to go the extra mile. Still cost me nearly two and a half thousand.

      • Really sorry to hear that Allan.

        Hats off to you and well done for trying.

        Ours was very much touch and go, at one stage looked a lost cause but as you know cats are amazing creatures and when ours (who was only just over one) showed the smallest signs of improvement we went for it. Thankfully less than 2 miles away we have a supervet who did the business.

        That was four years ago. The cat STILL goes in the road which drives me crazy but nothing I can do about it. We have since taken out insurance, hopefully we will never need to use it.

        The only trouble with pets is that they usually break your heart when they go.

        You are a good man Allan as are most on this esteemed site.

  16. Last year’s score
    Mousetrap in conservatory 12
    Mousetrap in Shed 6
    Mousetrap in Garage 7.

    ……and they aren’t the snowflake “humane” traps.

    • If you’ve got floorboards, put a couple under there too. Tie them to a joist so the little cunt doesn’t wriggle away in its death throes though. Got 4 in one night with two traps in one place I stayed. The old wooden breaknecks are the best, baited with chocolate.

      • A pest controller told me to use a dollop of peanut butter on the trap…they can’t resist it…

  17. When I was a kid we had two cats, brother and sister. We lived by some woods and they brought in a constant stream of wildlife. The girl cat brought in killed and ate what she caught, leaving behind bits of intestine for us to clear up. The boy cat just brought in and dumped what he caught, then chased it about for fun. Mice he brought in chewed through wires when they managed to escape and broke some lighting. Else we had a snake, squirrel, frog, bat, pigeon. Try catching a squirrel so you can let it go… Fucking cat was a bloody nuisance. Wildlife would have been pleased when we moved.

  18. They have their uses.

    I’ve stapled a photograph of a missing lamp post to a cat, in the hope it may be found….

    • I knew a kid at school who’s Da was arrested – he had something interesting under his bed.

      An LT bus stop, nicked from Epping Forest way. He’d even made his own spanner to make the job easier.

      Ah, schooldays…

  19. I found a really good read in a second hand book shop recently, ‘The Dyslexic’s Bible’…..it’s the god’s bollocks….

  20. Great cunting, Sir Knee. You gave me a really good laugh too as I can totally relate.

    Our cat Del Boy has also attempted to bring back the spoils of his big game hunting before. Only a couple of months ago there was a stand off at the OK Corral with him and me as he minced towards the french doors with what I at first thought was a very rapidly grown moustache, but ending up being a very hairy mouse draped in his piehole.

    ‘You are not coming in with that fucker Delbert!!!’ were the words I believe, at which point he slinked off and didn’t come back until the next day.

    Cats I believe do this as ‘gifts’ for their owners…….a deposit into my terminally ill bank account would suffice, moggy.

    TOM AND JERRY CUNTS!

    • Thanks Nurse. Cats will be cats, I suppose. I just wish I could get hold of the bastard from about six doors down, which keeps leaving ‘gifts’ in my flowerbeds. If I do ever succeed in grabbing it, it better be prepared to have its deposits rammed back where they came from.

  21. I set a mousetrap with peanut butter, apparently rodent bastards like it. In fact the little bastard liked it so much, he licked it all off and the trap didn’t spring. A nomination for the hardware shop for selling me a dud.

    • They do have a liking for peanut butter in my greenhouse MM, but I don’t have it around much. I don’t like it tho I can occasionally scrounge a bit from my daughter. Failing that, a chunky little square of Mars Bar does the biz.

      • Yeah, I had a problem with a mouse once. I bought a big fuck off trap and tried all sorts of bait including every variety of cheese you can think of but the cunt wouldn’t bite. Then someone recommended a peanut 🥜 in its shell. It seemed unlikely to me but, first go, it cut its head clean off. It’s the smell that attracts them apparently.
        🐀. I hate them meeces to pieces!

  22. Nice one, Ron. 79 comments and no references to gays or darkies. Doh! Just spoiled it.

  23. On a rodent related subject, I see that Emmanuel Macrodent has stated that Brexit has ‘torn British society apart’ and ‘can’t be delivered’. Says the man whose own country is such a haven of peace and solitude, thanks to him being a total cunt. You couldn’t fucking make it up. Come on you Gilets Jaunes!!

  24. We had mice 10 years ago. Mrs Pillar was expecting our first child. Mice are pissing all the time. They spread germs that can cause blindness and other nasty stuff. Fucking Rentokil charged us £170 for bait boxes with secondary poison and 2 visits. No mice for 3 months. As soon as Rentokil went away, the mice came back damaging carpets and skirting boards.

    We got a cat and we have never seen mice in the house, except the ones she leaves at the door from the garden as presents. The cat costs us about £200 a year in cat food, inoculations and the cattery for a week during the summer holidays. Much cheaper than Rentokil. If you live in a house that’s over 100 years old in the countryside, you really need a cat. That is natural pest control. No chemicals needed.

    • My pointer dog is a master at mouse hunting but dogs generally cost more overall, they have bigger appetites. He caught the fattest mouse i’d ever seen few months ago (thought it was a rat) it was so big at first sight Chems and mousetraps only do so much

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