Jamie Oliver

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Jamie Oliver

Cunt. Every fucking recipe I’ve followed of this jumped up little shit turns out as a disaster. Roasted a whole topside beef following this thunder cunt’s recipe. The outcome of the recipe was a topside beef that was drier than an 80 year old nun’s snatch. Waste of cunting time and money. His gravy recipe to accompany the disaster turned out like diarrhoea after drinking a dodgy pint of Guinness the night before. It had been soaked in the pool of excrement to even make it chew-able. Turns out it wasn’t chew-able enough and I almost choked to death on it, then I had to watch my elderly relative remove her denture to pick the bits of beef out.

Fuck Jamie Oliver.

Nominated by Stumpy Mc-Cunty

65 thoughts on “Jamie Oliver”

  3. He’s an insufferable elitist mong who thinks he has a divine right to tell those of us in the plebeian class what we should be allowed to eat. Oh, and his food is shit.

    • It’s all the spitting that Fucks me off, that and his mockney man of the people facade…..

      “ gawd blimmey guvnor charlie o’reilly we give it a rub a dub of salt”

      FUCK OFF YOU CUNT!!

    • Too right he’s elitist, I recall his original show when he chucked used pot, pans, crockery and utensils in the same sink (I used to cook for a living and that’s a cunt of a thing to do to your dishy). One despairs due to your description that he will eventually be preselected for a safe seat in whichever party throws the most money at him and his cuntishness shall increase exponentially.

  4. The Two Fat Ladies more to my taste. Loads of fun on the motorbike. ‘Lead on Macduff’ Jennifer walking behind Clarissa pissed. The savouring of rich lavish dishes.
    Jamie Oliver-‘I want to strip the recipe down to its bare essentials’. Fuck off.

  5. His recipe for spaghetti Bolognese was fucking rancid, too. But, on the other hand, his turkey, bacon and leek pie was fucking gorgeous.

    The rubber-lipped cunt.

  6. Mockney cunt who’s about as “street” as David Cameron or William Hague. Strangely, he shares these posh turds’ opinions about the beloved Fourth Reich.

    Like Lineker, this milky-faced pretence will do anything for popularity: Crawl through sewers of shit, pucker up to Tony Blair, even eat his own tasteless cooking – sautéed smegma with shaved turds in an extra virgin oil oil piss.

    Would you care for the wine list?

  7. I have actually experienced Jamie Oliver meal ( meal? ) at his dump in Cambridge. I was a guest ( or the intended victim of a poisoning ) at his establishment for a friends birthday, and in respect for my friend and not wishing to upset her, I chomped through the most abominable concoction of green carpeted shite at an astronomical cost.
    Immediately the party was over, I fucked off to a nearby chippy for some real food!

    Oliver is a pretentious cunt, and if he claims to be Chef par excellence, then he is also a lying cunt !

  8. He just mightily gets on my wick. I cannot put my finger on it. I think it is all of his fucking lecturing on what kids should and should not be eating at school that gets my tits in a knot. If he saw the shite that was shovelled into my piehole in the 1970’s when I was at school, he would have a shock induced seizure, precious cunt.

    Nobody likes being told what to fucking eat. Everyone knows well and good what constitutes healthy eating, so they do not need monied, faux geezers like this irritating knob lecturing them about it.

    Mind you, he is not half as annoying as his wife, the lovely ‘Jools’. All she has done since she hooked up with him and landed the goose that laid the golden egg (LAID being the operative word here) is knock out sprog after sprog and flog kids related shite to make some obviously much needed extra money.

    Going by the number of earthlings that have emerged from her nether regions, her vag must resemble the Blackwall Tunnel by now.

    Both of them are insufferable as fuck.

    …..now where did I put those chicken nuggets?

  9. Hopefully when his empire of shit comes crashing down he will fuck off to America never to return , they would suffer his food and gobble up his mockney gezza act ….
    There used to be a nightclub called Hollywood is Romford maybe he should open his first American restaurant in Hollywood calling it romfords? Pie and Mash? jellied eels? Luvly jubbly……
    insufferable prick………

  10. Keir Starmer is really getting on my fucking nerves now.
    I hope to fuck someone’s got a contract out on the cunt, and that it’s fulfilled very soon.
    Preferably by sundown.
    The smarmy twat.
    Good afternoon.

    • What a cunt he is, typifies why I can’t stand Labour anymore. Talks like he’s snorted an ounce of white and has his tongue stuck in his tooth. The cunt.

    • I was shocked to see how small Starmer is Jack.

      And then, I wasn’t, it all fell perfectly into place.

      • The man is trouble. An utter cunt. I hope Labour get fucking crucified at the next election, to the point of extinction.

  11. Typical Jamie recipes…
    Chicken + half a bottle of olive oil and 6 lemons including the peel.
    Pork + half a bottle of olive oil and 6 lemons including the peel.
    Cornflakes + half a bottle of olive oil and 6 lemons including the peel.
    The Mrs pussy + half a bottle of olive oil and 6 lemons including the peel, then move on to the asshole for dessert. Which consists of slightly brown olive oil and lemon juice with a few bits of peel for texture.
    Piss off.

  12. Gawd blimey you fackin’lot. Don’t you know that Jamie is cockney streetwise geezer. He’s as genuine cockney as Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins and that is pretty fackin’ cockney in my book mate!

  13. I finally found a celebrity chef I like.. Marco Pierre White. He made Gordon Ramsey cry. His anger has a tint of righteous cunt to it and he actually convinces me of his ability, a man’s chef, not a soccer mum chef like Jamie.

    • When questioned on the point MPW interjects and insists Ramsey made himself cry. MPW has a couple of kids with ADHD in special schools and although I like his cooking I like him more for his cuntitude, he can be a real arsehole which is to be admired. I would love to see him rip through the cunts on Masterchef and they must be frightened to fucking death that one day he may appear – if the Brussels Broadcasting Company ever grew a set of nuts.
      On topic anybody who gives their kids monikers like;
      Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, Petal Blossom Rainbow,
      Buddy Bear Maurice and River Rocket is not the full shilling. Despite being the richest chef in the world (seriously) worth £170m despite Brexit (his reason for closing 16 eateries – the lying bastard) and has yet another book out this year he still remains one cunt I would love chained up in my cellar – just so I could go and give him a fucking good hiding after a bad day watching the plethora of fake news which pervades every form of social media.
      PS – as for Ramsay’s kitchen nightmares UK the “success rate” after inviting the bad tempered cunt to improve their restaurants stands at;
      The Kitchen Nightmares Closure Rate stands at 77% (81/105)
      The Kitchen Nightmares Success Rate stands at 23% (24/105)
      The cunt is still worth upwards of a £100m.
      Should have been a business manager at Leeman Bros.

  14. Our Jamie opened a massive 3-4 floor ‘cookery school, restaurant and deli’ type place round the corner from me in Notting Hill Gate called ‘Recipease’ a while ago. Popped in to check it out and it was full of cunts, thought I’d buy a drink so I ordered a mulled cider. At abaaaaaht a fiver I thought I sit down and watch the cunts faff around and enjoy my pint. Fast forward and they bring less than half a pint of cider with some mulled flavouring.
    Never went back and the place shut down a little while later. Point is even the wealthy cunts living around the area didn’t buy in to this pile of cunt and his cookery school.
    Piss off.

    • I was up your way a couple of months ago, B&W. Took a filly to a restaurant called Pharmacy for a veggie meal. Not bad but pricey as you like.
      She wanted me to pay but I knew nuffink abaaat it.
      Psh

      Incidentally, is this the year of the Red Men?

      • Shouldve give me a shout PM, we could have gone on a bender before your date and trashed Notting Hill.
        Went past that place the other day, restaurants always opening and closing on Westbourne Grove… Probably costs a grand a day in rent.
        I thonk the Title is rightly coming the the mighty Liverpool this season and abaaaaaht time an all.
        Anyways did you get lucky? Did she pull your skin back? 😀

      • “Did she pull your skin back? 😀”
        Apologies Captain, I thought in my slightly stoned state I was replying to Paul Maskinback for a second.

      • Ye Paul Maskinback is first mate of my pirate ship and a first rate first mate.

        She (a German bird) and I had frolics from dusk til dawn, old chap. Those Hermans laaaave a bit of Magnanimity in them.

        I’m not so certain about the Reds. It’ll go to the wire, methinks.

    • This fat tongued mockney cunt opened one of his pretentious noshery’s here in Brighton. Don’t think it lasted 5 minutes.

  15. This spacker mouthed mockney cunt needs his balls kicking so hard he’d get a new set of tonsils.

    I took huge please in seeing him having to close many of utterly fucking shite eating houses only for the cunt to blame, yes you guessed it, Brexit.

  16. Fat tongued wanker!!!

    Have hated this cunt for years, ever since the first Pukka came out of his stupid fucking gob.

    CUNT

  17. Anyone watched Jamie ‘worth, over £200 million’ Oliver’s money saving meals programme?
    Another thing I watched one of his shows the other day and he was using old worn pots and pans the cheap cunt.

  18. This “good mate” of James O’Brien is so far beyond the pale for me he’d have to enter O’Shithead’s studio next time wearing a remote controlled suicide vest (that I have full control over) before I’d even entertain the idea of not kicking his head to a bloody pulp if ever I met him in the flesh.

  19. I’v mentioned it before but a ‘fashionable’ type i know went for tomato sauce and pasta at one of ‘Jamie’s Italians’ (Guildford or Oxford). £15 for a handful of pasta, drizzle of oil, pinch of salt and dollop of ‘fresh’ marinara-style gloop.

    He was on a date so decided it was ‘ah-maaazing’. I think he thought it was Jamie’s only restaurant, rather than a chain.

    After much cogitating, wine-supping and chin-stroking, a small child ran up to their table and told him he was naked.

  20. Every time he shouted Pukka I would shout Fucker at the tv. Fat tongued false mockney wanker who 10 years ago was one of the most annoying cunts on tv.

    Now every other celeb seems to be as annoying, unless I have just more intolerant as a i’ve got older. He opened an Italian restaurant in my town as he didn’t have one in Essex at the time. Refused to go in. Lasted about 5 years. Food was apparently awful and expensive.

    And don’t even start on the stupid names he’s given his children.

  21. I use a Gordon Ramsay recipe for gravy at Christmas. Works great and tastes amazing. Mrs Yank uses the Ramsay approach to roasting the turkey and her signature Brussel sprouts dish. Everything is just wonderful. Say what you like about Ramsay, he knows what he’s doing when it comes to food.

  22. Can’t stomach the melt nor his dog shit food. Makes me laugh though imagining him struggling to reduce a sauce whilst drooling into it

  23. I’d like to throw a prawn cocktail in the cunt’s face and tell him “that’s just for starters”…..

      • I have to admit as a long-standing lurker on here I generally “upvote” most posts. I hope you take this the right way when I say I hope your comment doesn’t get any. A cunting without a quip or two from your good self brightens everyone’s day I’d say.

      • You’ve definitely got the material, fucking reams of it.

        Do it, do it, do it.

        Bollocks to the courage, all you need is a few friendly faces in the audience and play to them.

        It’s called the ‘5 second conversation’.

        Find the friendly face/s and speak to them 5 seconds at a time.

        You’ll get all the courage you need from them.

        Your country needs you JR.

        Your country needs to know that comedy doesn’t end with Jack fucking Whitehall, Romesh Ramadamadingdong, Sarah for fucks sake Millican, Michael McIntyre and the ilk.

        I can’t help but think it would be great to bring irony, piss taking and laughter back into comedy.

      • I’d like to throw a prawn cocktail in the cunt’s face and tell him “that’s just for starters”…..

        That’s got to be one of the most original and proper piss funny one liners I’ve heard in years.

  24. If your in the kitchen having a heated argument with your other half and she pulls a knife on you, stay calm. Don’t panic.
    Quickly and calmly find some bread, butter and cheese.
    Her natural instincts will kick in and she’ll make you a sandwich.

    It could save your life….

    • When I started to go out with the current Japanese Mrs Stroker I went on a couple of forums to try and find out and to gauge what experience other western gentleman had with Japanese girls.

      One guy said that Japanese girls would prefer to give their boyfriends oral sex rather than to french kiss. So far so good.

      Another said Japanese girls really up for it and try hard to please, willing to try anything. Again, most positive feedback.

      Another guy (relative to JRC’s post) said that things were great with his Japanese girlfriend right up to the point where she stabbed him.

      To be honest the first two clinched it for me.

  25. Quite like the look of his food and enjoy his cookery programmes although he usually uses the most expensive ingredients possible and his dishes always take far longer to prepare than they say.

    He is worth a fortune so can easily afford it.

    Also admired him trying to improve the quality if kids school meals. Almost certainly a massive publicity stunt but glad he at least tried.

    Dislike pretty much everything else about him though and his laddish cunt mate Jimmy Doherty (or whatever his name is). Between them they invite obnoxious Remoaners to Southend pier (?) to cook and at the same time slag off Leavers.

    Twats.

  27. Fat tongued cunt with ridiculous names for his children!

    Never liked him or his pretentiousness.

    A filo wrapped cunt!

    • Delia did a nice pork recipe – slow cooked in cider and applejack, with apples, and some cream stirred in at the end. One of her best.

  29. Fuck Oliver, give me good old Keith Flloyd any day of the week!

    Flloyd was a bit more down to earth than that mockney arsehole, even though Keith has some genuine class about him.

    Loved his TV shows back in the 80s, and some of his recipes were bloody gorgeous!

    But now we have these 21st century mincers who couldn’t cook proper everyman food at everyman prices to save their fucking lives!

  30. They’re all cunts. The only TV chef with any merit was Graham Kerr, “The Galloping Gourmet”. But I bet all you cunts are too young to remember him…

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