Using nouns as verbs

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People who use nouns as verbs are cunts, aren’t they?

Pimp my wheels.
It will impact your life.
I’m going to Porsche to the shops.
You must evidence your work. (I once said in a meeting that this was used incorrectly and was not a verb which initiated lots of eye-rolling from the assistant “manager” who not only looked, spoke, and behaved like a bus driver, but swore like one too, the corpulent, illiterate, voluntarily-bald, beardy Chelsea-fan cunt).

Note to Football commentators: Using “to gift” makes you sound even more moronic than you are..

I believe people who favour this style of hateful composition should be sent on ECT training to prevent them eventually speaking thus:
Yesterday I supermarketed, then tilled. I vehicled to my home and mealed my girlfriend some pasta during which she cidered and I beered.
Later, after we’d tennissed we TVed until the kids homed. We parented for an hour. We were storybooking for hours.
At Midnight, after GinAndTonicing, my girlfriend and I bedded and I penised her for half an hour.

The only time I’ve seen it used correctly is the the verb “to cunt” which naturally makes perfect sense and the use of which is God-like.

Let them be Cunted.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

15 thoughts on “Using nouns as verbs”

  1. To cunt or not to cunt, that is the question.

    Not a particularly difficult question these days.

    In the words of Alfred Lord cuntison:
    “Cunts to the right of them
    Cunts to the left of them,
    Cunts in front of them”

    From his epic ballad “walking down any fucking street in this snowflake, arse bandit, wastrel blasted hell. Oh please Lord, Satan or any other cunt
    Kill me now!”

  2. If you can penis your girlfriend for half an hour I want to know which supplements you’re taking.

  3. Quite right, Capt. M.

    The thing that most annoys me about sports commentators is when they pluralise names…”blah,blah…..you wouldn’t see the Beckhams,Scholes or Ferdinands playing that ball…blah,blah”. Why the Fuck do it? It’s a single Beckham,Scholes, Ferdinand that they’re on about. There aren’t fucking hordes of them playing Premier League football for Manchester Utd. or whoever.

    This does happen in other sports too,but I picked out football because it’s full of poo……..rly regarded commentators.

  6. Sorry to say that ‘to gift’ is a verb:

    gift
    /ɡɪft/Submit
    noun
    1.
    a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present.
    “wedding gifts”
    synonyms: present, donation, offering, contribution, handout, presentation, bestowal, largesse, alms, charity, bonus, award, premium, bounty, boon, favour, bequest, legacy, inheritance, settlement, subsidy, grant, endowment, benefaction; More
    2.
    a natural ability or talent.
    “he has a gift for comedy”
    synonyms: talent, flair, aptitude, facility, knack, technique, touch, bent, ability, expertise, capacity, capability, power, faculty; More
    verb
    1.
    give (something) as a gift, especially formally or as a donation or bequest.
    “the company gifted 2,999 shares to a charity”

  7. A superb bit of cunting for a cunt of a habit, Cap’n. Drives me up the wall. Tony’s beaten me to it on ‘to medal’, and another couple of loathsome examples (courtesy of those cunts across the Atlantic, I’d guess) are;
    * to window, as in ‘I’ll try to window that next week…’
    * to diarise, as per above.

    Cunts.

    • Cheers Mr Knee, thankfully I have never come across the words ‘to window’ or I would have to cry. My favourite is in a highly recommended funny book called Steaming to Bamboola, an order, ‘ I need this actioned pre immediately’. Tickled me.

      • Yeah mate came across both ‘to window’ and the excruciating
        ‘diarise’ (or ‘diarize’ as those cunts do it) when visiting my daughter in the States. Then there’s ‘to hotdesk’, another favourite.
        Computers have a lot to answer for as well eg ‘to keyboard’, ‘to dogfood’…
        RIP the language of Shakespeare, Milton, Austen, Dickens and co.!

  8. Yeah mate came across both ‘to window’ and the excruciating
    ‘diarise’ (or ‘diarize’ as those cunts do it) when visiting my daughter in the States. Then there’s ‘to hotdesk’, another favourite.
    Computers have a lot to answer for as well eg ‘to keyboard’, ‘to dogfood’…
    RIP the language of Shakespeare, Milton, Austen, Dickens and co.!

  10. It happens the other way round as well. I am sure you can think of some examples; it’s not a big ask…
    This was all in the appendix to 1984 – the destruction of language. And it will be done with the excuse of eliminating perceived sexism, etc. We already appear to have lost the word ‘actress’. It is designed to stop people being able to express themselves fully.

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