Muzac at Christmas

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Oh joy. This morning I received the dreaded ‘invitation’ to accompany the trouble an’ strife to the local shopping mall, to ‘get some ideas for Christmas’.

Now as if this wasn’t bad enough, the whole experience was torture from start to finish as a result of the cunting awfulness that is piped musak.

Now we all know why THEY do it. It’s carefully programmed, designed to affect us subliminally, to make us more docile and sheeplike, and therefore motivated to shop and spend more. Trouble is that it has the opposite effect where I’m concerned. It drives me up the wall, and I just want to get out asap.

My trial began the second we walked through the main entrance. There’s some bird screeching some tripe in a key that she couldn’t handle. Turn into any ‘retail unit’ and you switch from the racket in the mall to their racket. The ‘Condor’ moment occurs when you reach the spot where the blare from inside the store and that from the mall outside blend into one cacophonous snash. Throw in noise from kids’ roundabouts, mall displays and (oh lordy, it’s that time again) carol singers or the Sally Ann band, and it becomes sheer aural torment.

After an hour or so, I did the only thing commensurate with keeping my temper, and fucked off in search of a pint. BUT. Guess what assailed me as I entered the nearest pub… You can’t even get a quiet pint and a read of the paper in peace these days, and it’s a cunt. And that’s the bleeding trouble with this shit. It’s everywhere; restaurants, bars, hotel lobbies, cinemas, lifts, hospitals, aeroplanes, workplaces, even some public gardens I’ve visited.

I don’t know, but I’d guess that the cunts who first came up with this pestilence were Yanks. It’s the kind of cuntery they seem to excel at in these situations. I hope that Old Nick has entombed them fifty miles beneath the Earth’s core in a sealed cave, where they’re forced to submit to their own fiendish construct while their arses are roasted. For ever. And ever. The absolute cunts.

Nominated by Ron Knee

And please forgive the shameless plug, but if you really hate Christmas songs, here’s a link to a whole fetid mess of them mercilessly butchered by my good self!

Give it a click – I need the money!

Nominated by Chas C

54 thoughts on “Muzac at Christmas”

    • DF will have a more entertaining idea, but a Jehoover I knew once told me that they weren’t actually supposed to be fanatically persistent, and that he’d have a word at his local Jehoovery to point this out. Apparently he did: I wasn’t bothered again at that address. Admittedly, it is an advantage to (a) know a Jehoover outside the context of its foot in your door and (b) be on good terms with it, but it seems to work.

    • I’ve found that the best way to discourage Jehovah’s Witnesses is to wave your cock at them through the letterbox,all the while moaning and panting about “He is risen,Hallelujah,…the Second Cumming.. prepare to be anointed…etc.” It’s prudent to make sure that the hounds are safely kennelled before waving “The Son of God” too vigourously…fucking nearly qualified to join Krav’s tribe after the lurcher took the bait and attempted to make washing under the foreskin no longer a problem….still at least the sught of a growling hound swinging off a partially-severed chipolota which was,apparently,attached to a Tourette’s suffering,God-bothering devotee of doggie blow-jobs persuaded my unwelcome visitors that I probably wasn’t in the right frame of mind to hear about my route to Salvation.

      Fuck them.

    • My next door neighbour simply opens his front door and says just two words to them- FUCK OFF. To be fair, he is not selective, everyone gets the same treatment.

      No niceties, straight and to the point.

      The last time it happened he was very disappointed that he forgot to point out beforehand that we live in a NO COLD CALLING area.

    • Myself and my brother, when we were kids, used to piss in a bucket in the morning and wait for the cunts to walk up our steps. As they pressed the doorbell they’d be showered from the bedroom window above.
      This only worked for two years. They gave us a wide berth after that!

  2. How many Jehovahs does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Three.
    One to change the bulb and two to knock on the door and ask if you’ve seen the light.

  3. And it’s still only bastarding November. As if Christmas isn’t a big enough con, each year we get new “traditions” appearing. Christmas Eve Boxes? Children are fucking spoiled enough. I know what kind of box I’d love to put Christmas enthusiasts in. Adult advent calendars? Fucking GROW UP! “Oh, I have a different gin / cheese / cosmetic everyday!!” Pathetic. They would have a different sharp object shoved up their hole every day. HATE Christmas.

    • There’s a marketing opportunity right there, S&O. 24 days of imaginative, trendy and preferably personalised enemas, commencing with, oh, let us say –
      1. Scotch Bonnet Pepper and Cascara Advent Enema
      and working through to
      24. Organic Giant Whole Pineapple Advent Enema

      Komodo Global Garbage LP is on this one. Thanks!

    • I like Christmas as an excuse to forget about eating healthy over the week or so from Christmas Eve – New Years Day and stuff my face with as much food and alcohol as possible. Oh, and being lucky enough not to have a family of cunts I like spending time with them as well.

  4. Sgt Maj’s tips for surviving Christmas shopping:

    1. Follow the 5 Ps: Poor Preparation leads to Piss Poor Performance, i.e. get it done early.
    2. Don’t have children, disregard relatives who have emigrated (“you never ring!”), and be thankful for those in your small family who have passed away.
    3. Write a cheque for your unemployed, parasitic brother (“it took me a few weeks to get a job when I left the Army…”).
    4. Shop on the internet.

  5. I feel sorry for the fecking poor twats that work in shops listening to the same shit over and over, hour after hour as they play the crap on an endless loop.
    Wouldn’t be so bad if it was only for a couple of days in December not the fecking 8weeks we have to endure. It’s a veritable miasma of crap.

  6. Xmas music is like Xmas “movies” and Xmas “specials” on TV……soft, slushy, happy clappy shite. Unless you are a spoilt brat, a woman or a poof, Xmas is a total bag of dog turds.
    A good excuse to get pissed but that simply draws disapproval from the aforementioned women and poofs. The brats don’t care as long as they’ve got something on a screen to fill their empty heads.
    Cunts.

    • Creampuff Manor has been declared an Xmas free zone. Not that the wife will take any fucking notice… cunt!

    • Christmas is the one solid excuse for converting to Islam. At least at Eid you can go and slaughter, butcher and cook a sheep in your garden without feeling depressed about the Lamb of God.

    • I’ve got my Christmas stockings ready Freddie.
      Will put a picture up closer to the big day.

  8. Mr Knee. You lost me when you agreed to accompany your good lady to the shops. Sorry, but this shit is self inflicted. Perhaps you ought to also listen to J O’Brien? Or Tony Blair? All the while singing Mistletoe and wine?

    • I know mate. trouble is that in its way, the shopping bit’s the lesser of two evils. If I don’t go, I’ll have endless hours of ‘you never do anything to help every Xmas it’s the same I have to do it all myself’ etc. You’ll probably know the score yourself!

      • You could just kick her cunt in. I’m given to understand that golf shoes are very effective…

  9. A Jehovah’s colleague explained why they don’t do Christmas and it made a lot of sense! Something to do with Jesus not being born on the 25/12. Not many aspiring architects are JW’s……

    • The death penalty would avoid this nonsense.
      Throw it in a cell with a sex starved baboon.
      Total cunt.
      Good morning.

  11. I think having to listen to Xmas music is a small price to pay compared to the gutfest of alcohol and food that comes my way.

    Mmmm Turkey, Xmas Pud, Mince Pies – eat and repeat.

    Goodbye for now.

  12. I fucking hate Christmas, especially the irritating chore of writing cards with the same old shit “Wishing you a merry christmas and happy new year!” bollocks.

    There have been times in the past where I have been compelled to write what I really think of some the cunts I’m obliged to send cards too. Something like “To you and your gaping fat cunt of a wife; wishing you a totally shit christmas and I hope your fucking house burns down!”

    One day I will pluck up the courage to actually post the fucking things.

    Merry Christmas, Cunts
    —————–

    Oh and I also hate those cunts who email me seeking help, and signing off with a “thanks in advance” Which suggests I have already committed to helping them even though I’ve barely had chance to comprehend what the fucker wants!

    Perhaps I should reply with a “Fuck off in advance!”

    • I believe “Fuck off in arrears” is the socially acceptable form. Best followed by a visit from the bailiffs, if you can arrange it.

      • Maybe Mr. Fiddler could visit ?
        “Can’t pay ? Fuck off, you irresponsible scrounger !”

  13. Hopefully a lot of the cuntery should become extinct as the High Street succumbs to online shopping. And the wonderful thing about online shopping is that with the appropriate software, ads and popups can be disabled, so you don’t get the full Xmas nausea. Pity about the High Street, sure, but at Christmas, they’re bloody asking for it.

    Personally, I’ll be listening behind triple-barred doors to something like this –

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2K0ptoYpuc

  14. No worries folks. In the not so distant future we’ll enjoy the call to prayer instead. Ho ho ho, allauhblabla ackshit!

  15. Nice pic and good tune for a cunting, aside from Wizard feeling up the ugly little girl you have to check out the drummer, he is off his face on something, but yes xmass music is fucking brain damage…..but if you have a hit ,it will cash in for the nexts 50 fucking years….

  16. I hate Christmas.
    I hate Turkey, I hate having to spend all my money, I hate wrapping and writing cards, I fucking LOATHE Christmas music and I hate the film elf….
    No doubt I’m gonna have to watch that fucking movie another 10 times this year. …Just like last year … and the year before.

    Bah fuckin humbug!

    • If it wasn’t for family commitments I would barricade myself in with supplies of alcohol and snacks, sod wasting time cooking, some decent films as Christmas TV is universally shit.

  17. I rather like Christmas music. I understand that when you’re in a mall or another such place situation it’s really annoying but listening to it of your own accord outside of those kinds of settings Fairytale of New York, I Believe in Father Christmas and a few others are really good. Mariah Carey can fuck off with that absolute dog turd of a song though.

  18. I like Slade, but that Christmas record isn’t one of their better ones… And Wizzard? When one hears that oompah glam shite it’s hard to believe that Mr Wood was the brains behind The Move and one of the founders of ELO… Can’t actually think of one I like… Certainly not pop hits… If it isn’t pisspot MacGowan and the Fairycunt of New York for the cunteenth time it’s Chris De Burgh wailing or Wham or that Band Aid Z-Cars rip off… I do have a soft spot for a Christmas Bing Crosby album my auntie Geraldine (lovely woman from Washington, now sadly dead) brought over from America when I was a kid… That thing he did with Bowie though was fucking shite…

    I loved it when the Floyd got Christmas No.1 with ‘Another Brick In The Wall Part 2’… Because all the ‘Christmas Purists’ hated it… I remember my nana saying ‘That shouldn’t be number one at Christmas!’ I thought it was great, but imagine snowflakes and modern parent cunts now if ‘Another Brick’ was No. 1 this Christmas? They’d be so ‘offended’ by teachers putting kids in mincers (if only) and fascist hammers… In fact that sounds like a great idea… Re-release it, Roger and upset all the cunts…

  19. Thanks Ron- brightened up my morning.

    I also now hate Xmas. OK for kids but now purely a commercial money grab.

    Thick cunts rushing around the shops buying fucking cheap shitty presents for one another, parents getting into debt after spending hundreds of pounds for PlayStations or Xbox’s for their kids. The fuss about Xmas cards (gave up several years ago) sending to people I really do not like nor want to see again.

    And the Xmas jingles, Xmas TV adverts. Shit TV.

    Used to enjoy it but those days have sadly gone.

    • TV is going to be shite… Mrs Brown’s Cunts and their staged ad-libbing, Jools and his filmed in October Cuntenanny, the usual rape murder fest in NeverEnders, and the cast of Mind Your Language in the TARDIS (except there’s no fit French bird this time)…

      Used to enjoy it too, Willie… With Eric and Ernie, Steptoe & Son, and seeing a Bond film on the telly before video recorders was a big thing… Recently saw a Christmas Coronation Street from 1969 and I thoroughly enjoyed it… Annie and Jack Walker running the pub, Albert Tatlock entertaining the Rovers crowd with monologues and Irma doing Hylda Baker… Simple but charming and very British… Now there’d have be three affairs, pooves and lezzas, serial killers, girl grooming, a shooting, a blazing inferno, and a plane crash in today’s Christmas Corrie… What a load of cunt…

      1969 Xmas Corrie here:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fuez6r2zUw

      • I know a bird with a big roasting tin, and she needs a good basting, too…

        The opening scenes looked like “Threads”, when Sheffield got nuked.

        As for neverenders, I hope Shirl stabs her useless cunt-son Fick Mick, his fuckwit wife Lynda, and that whining bitch Stacey. And a guest appearance from the mayor of Londonistan, who would be kicked to death live on tv…

  20. Might be worth pointing out that my original entry was just called ‘Musak’ and was meant as a general condemnation of this putrid rubbish, which seems to be in abundance in public places everywhere these days. I think the title got changed to give it a bit of a seasonal flavour, but fucking hell, I despise this shit at all times of the year, it’s just especially nauseating around this time!!

    • Point taken. Aural slime generally is a cunt, and it’s not just for Christmas, but at any time when the masses are required to cease rational thought and mill around buying more stuff they don’t need, or even ( if their synapses aren’t blocked by jolly tunes) want. It’s an American invention, like so much else that is deplorable in commerce generally. But we’ve caught up with them completely.

      But who the festering fuck came up with Christmas pullovers? These seem to have become a thing quite recently, and I can find no reference to Jesus wearing a garish embroidered reindeer in the Bible…ghastly faux-ironic accompaniment to the haircunt featured recently as they are.

      • And speaking of cunting American rubbish, we’re now stuck with that shit ‘Black Friday’ carry on as well!

  22. A worthy cunting. Im not the biggest fan of christmas anyway, but most of the music is pure shit. I dont mind traditional fare but its crap like Wonderful Christmas time. I only realky like the Springsteen cover of Santa Claus is coming to Town simply because it sounds like a drunk taking the piss.
    On a final note i think it should called Christless or Wintergasm.

  24. I may be in Chairmany over Christmas, so I might black up, visit the local mosque after a few good lagers and plenty of wurst, and let rip some real beery, meaty tuba-farts.

  25. I have never got out of Poundland so fucking quickly as I did the other day when I heard Mariah Carey slaughtering Christmas ‘choons’ over the tannoy (or whatever machine they pipe this shite out of) Once she got to the point of highest warbling I was out of there like a fart in a colander.

    As soon as Xmas comes around…in fact not even close to December, they are all at it….wheeling out Shakin’ Stevens, Slade, Wizzard and every other sodding band who has a Xmas choon in their repertoire. It gets to the point of maddening brainwormery that if you could spot where it is piping out from, you would throw your shopping basket at the fucker.

    It is hard enough trying to think of shite to buy people for Xmas when you are dragging your arse around the shops without that shite in your lugholes.

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