‘A Real Man’s Game’

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Where sport is concerned, it’s basically football in the winter and cricket in the summer for me. I was recently invited to a rugby match, and it seemed impolite to refuse, although with hindsight I wish that I’d contrived an excuse.

I find it difficult to know what attracts people to such a sprawling, incomprehensible mess of a game. Two teams of grunting, hairy arsed types face off against each other, using a ‘ball’ that’s not a ball but an oval, which contrives to bounce and roll about the pitch in ridiculous fashion. One team tries to hurl and punt this artifact about. The other tries to stop them by grabbing the opposing player with the ‘ball’ and wrestling him to the ground, then piling in on top of him.

The flow is constantly interrupted by the ref’s whistle as a consequence of some obscure infringement or other. Players take an interminable amount of time to line up on the touchline, just to get the ball back into play. Then there’s the truly bizarre spectacle known as ‘the scrum’. Players go into a squashed huddle which takes forever to organise. This then proceeds to squirm across the pitch like a giant crab until somebody chucks the ‘ball’ in, at which point it collapses ignominiously into a heap.

After 80 minutes of this grinding guff, played in an incessant drizzle, the players trooped off a swamp, steaming and caked from head to foot in mud. One or two looked more than a little dazed and confused. I’d say that anyone playing this game for any length of time could literally end up needing his head tested.

In the bar afterwards (downing a welcome scotch and soda) I was asked what I thought of the game by one of the club members. I mumbled some platitudes before admitting that basically, I was more of a football man. ‘Ah yes, football’, came the slightly condescending reply. ‘A game for fannies in my opinion. Rugby, that’s a REAL man’s game’.

Well if you can’t beat ’em. Get the round in and altogether now; ‘Mary from the mountain glen, fucked herself with a fountain pen…’. Rugby. It’s a game played by cunts with odd shaped balls.

Nominated by Ron Knee

61 thoughts on “‘A Real Man’s Game’”

  1. Fuck you I love the game!! my nan used to describe it as 30 grown men romping around in the mud whilst foraging for an egg.

  2. When asked, you ought to’ve said “that’s the second gayest sport I’ve ever seen, after American wrestling”.

  3. Most team sports are cunts, tbh. One on one stuff like boxing are the only ones that interest me. Not that I do it myself or anything, too old for any of that shit now.

  4. Not with you on this, Ron.
    There are only 2 great spectator sports. Rugby, Union and League.
    Stick your overpaid, mincing, multinational, corrupt football up your arse.
    We have just had a great few weeks of international Rugby Union. Cant beat it.

  5. Played it at school. Moderately good entertainment as I recall, though was never much good at it. That was Union. League’s a much faster and cleverer game, and hasn’t been wrecked by ‘professionalism’, yet. I guess a football fan could watch it without pain.

  6. Always hated team sports at school… but if I had to choose one (and if I wasn’t such a wuss) it would have to be rugby.

    Was more an individual athletics cunt myself.

  7. I was great at every sport.. A true natural…now I’ve fucked up, am overweight, fed up, getting on and I like the white stuff a bit much. Life is a cunt.

    • When you say “the white stuff”, B&WC…you don’t mean the sort of “white stuff” than Julian Clary likes,,do you?!

      • Oh no TTCE, The stuff that is Colombia’s best export after coffee. I think I’m having a midlife crisis. Its the white man’s fault. 😀

      • I felt obliged to knock the white stuff on the head a few years ago (only did it occasionally anyway) as it turned me into even more of an obnoxious cunt than usual, and that’s saying something!

      • Your right TTCE it’s all bollocks, turns people in to bigger cunts than they are. In my case the world doesn’t need a bigger cunt than I already am.

      • Back in the ’70s, amphetamine sulphate was my ‘white stuff’ of choice.
        Theys were the days days ^10!
        Luckily got cut off from my supplier before things got out of hand…

      • RTC, had a bit of the old ‘Speed’ back in the mid nineties. Great when on it but cannot sleep for days. Got a nice bit of Hash the other day… It had Paki written on it. Even drug dealers are racist now… Must be Brexits fault.

      • Pure speed B&WC… apparently boundless energy, razor sharp mind, teeth like fucking fox!
        Sleep rarely a problem, usually had a goodly supply of Valium handy….

      • Hardcore RTC, valium reminds me of being way too high and using it to sleep. Can’t be good going from one extreme to another. The things we do in the name of fun.

      • Didn’t mean to give the impression I used Valium to knock myself out B&WC… just enough to help ease the comedown. That along with a reefer at the end of the day. I rarely needed much sleep in those days anyway. The sex was pretty phenomenal too…

    • When you first mentioned liking the white stuff too much, naively thought you were referring to skiing.

    • What a donkey cunt he is. Absolutely useless, him and Sanchez are mugging Man U off big time. Never liked Donkeykaku, what the fuck is going on at Man U Norman?

      • Its fucked B&WC – we just sell shirts now. But, but, but United are the wealthiest club in the World? So fucking what? Half the players in the side wouldn’t have made it on to SAF’s bench. At one time signing players wasn’t a big deal – they wanted to come, now players avoid it like the plague unless of course they cant get another club or have an injury that’s left them less a player that they were (Falcao and Di Maria for instance).
        I have no idea what the fuck goes through JM’s head, SAF and Sir Bobby must be disturbed seeing this current side. I remember the magoos and the bindippers saying when SAF goes United will drop like a stone – they were fucking right – dropping like an anvil. Still, the shirt sales are doing well.

      • I reckon it’s worse than it was under O’ Farrell and even when we went down in 74… The goalie apart, none of those cunts are fit to wear that shirt… Twats like Lindelof, Smalling, Darmian, Hererra, that cunt Sanchez and so on… I recall the 79 Cup Final… Sammy Mac in a heap on the Wembley pitch and Stevie Coppell looking like somebody had died… When playing for MUFC mattered… This current shower wouldn’t give a fuck if that happened now, Alan Sunderland winner or not… They’d get their obscene pay packet and go on Twitter… ‘I’m alright, Jack!’ and all that, the fucking cunts… As long as those Glazer vermin and that servile clown Ewar Woowar are there things will go from bad to worse… As for Maureen-Oh? Well and truly found out without an Ivan oligarch’s millions up his arse, and I am sick of him talking bollocks… He can fuck off…This lot, manager included are the worst…simply no pride in the club and a load of cunts…

      • Was quite amused by the ISAC a few months ago who said that Lukaku is known as ‘The Black Birtles’. Christ but he is one of a very long line of shite-but-expensive strikers dating back to Ted MacDougall.

        I think a more accurate assessment of the useless lump would be ‘A Poor Man’s Emile Heskey’.

        Yet despite all indications to the contrary I can still see Man U finishing 5th…….and losing a Champions League Final!!!!!

      • Lukaka is shit, Fellani is shit, Mourhino is shit.

        Let’s hope the Manc scumbags stick with them for a few more seasons.

    • Watched Man U vs Crystal Palace highlights on MOTD last night. Only problem is that there weren’t any.

      Fucking hell, Man U are shit. Mourinho says top 4. Useless petulant cunt laughing all the way to the bank.

      https://youtu.be/85qrCnzp14U

  9. Used to love playing football.

    Then went to a rugby playing Grammar school. Hated rugby. First thing in the mornings next to a river. Always cold, often misty, usually muddy. In those days I was non aggressive, quite small and skinny but could run fast. Pervy sports master (who always checked whether we wore pants under our shorts and if so gave the slippper) decided on day one I would make a great hooker (for the uninitiated the cunt in the very middle of the scrum).

    Remember vividly some cunt behind me in the scrum putting his hand out and grabbing hold of my bollocks. As my head as in a headlock not able to see who the fucker was. On another occasion I was shouted at to rugby tackle the largest boy in the year (a fat cunt who used to try and poke his fingers in the eyes of anyone who went anywhere near him). Even if I were able to bring him down (which I doubted) why on earth would I want to risk getting fingers, studs or mud in my eyes? Once saw a player who got a stud in his eye. Put me off for life.

    Admire the bravery of the guys that play it (especially remember rugby league with Eddie Waring and the guys up north running around in the mud) and the behaviour of the fans but unfortunately rugby is just not for me.

    Perhaps it is a mans game after all.

    • Grammar school too. Used to love playing sport, was fast, but also blind without glasses, and once broke my nose running full tilt into an upright. Funnily, wasn’t so keen on it afterwards.

  10. No such thing as a man’s game…
    MEN don’t play games, boys do 😁.

    I’ve lost count of the amount of times some cunt has asked me what football team I support and when I say “no-one, I think football’s shite”, they respond “are you gay or something?”

    Am I fucking bent just because I don’t spend my time watching a bunch of pooftas with shaved legs and shorts and knee high socks running around chasing a ball to see who can kick it better than another bunch of fags who fall over and squeal like piggies every time someone brushes past them?
    And then there’s the group of middle aged men singing and chanting and taking this fucking children’s ball game WAY too seriously…..

    Sorry to any cunters that are really into football but I just can’t help laughing when I see it on telly and all the grown men are crying and screaming bloody murder at each other coz one has a blue shirt on and the other has red. GROW UP!

    Rugby is pretty much the same in my book….
    IT’S JUST A FUCKING BALL …. GROW THE FUCK UP!

    ….and don’t even get me started on athletics or the Olympics….
    “Let’s spend millions of pounds to find out who can throw a stick the furthest”.

    Let’s not.

    • 9 billion. 9 fucking billion we spent on 2012. And has it rejuvenated Stratford? Yeah no, still a shithole frequented by stabby architects.

      • Wholeheartedly concur with both posts, 9 billion%!!!

        Once knew an incredibly fit bird who played professional women’s rugby…

  11. Real men don’t grapple and grab at other grown men in the mud over some fucking ball. Bunch of poser closet homos. All that aggro is just deflection from their desire to fondle other men, they love it really.

    Let’s not forget rampant steroid abuse. A few genetic freaks aside, no one gets that massive without a little juice. Real men don’t whore themselves out like that, nor are they insecure about their mass.

    Take that diamond shaped ball and jam it up yer arsehole where it belongs. Bunch of humunculous mongoloids.

  12. Rugby is Homoerotic theatre, it’s no secret, each to their own but the condescending attitude of some rugby fans is laughable.

    • Lady Mandlescum and Keith Vaz must have eager players in their school days, surrounded by muscle-bound, grunting, sweaty men and that was before the showers.

  13. I love rugby. Have done since I was a child and only gave up a few years ago playing for the local team occasionally.
    At school I played at Prop and we in the scrum used to take great delight in bulldozing over the top of some weedy kid from the backs if we could catch them in possession. We didn’t try to hook the ball out in a ruck,we just trampled the little Cunt on the bottom. We were coached by a Scot who had played at a reasonable level and we earned a reputation amongst other schools as a “robust” team. Indeed, several schools used to pull out of playing us,citing that it was too far to come due to the weather,or they had an outbreak of some illness etc.
    After leaving school,I continued to play at Hooker for a local team. Loved it.,but was never mobile enough to play for a better team. In my day all that the front-row was really meant to do was waddle at a sedate pace from one ruck,maul or scrum to another,pausing only long enough to deliver the sly rake,gouge or punch to anyone who got in our way….never the opposition front-row,mind, that was part of the “code”…we front-rows looked out for one another.
    The social life involved at a rugby club is tremendous. Great nights in the clubhouse after the game with the opposition team and supporters enjoying the finest of hospitality. The annual tours were also a highlight of my social calendar.. Ireland, France,Down South etc., truly great unpolitically-correct times.
    I’d recommend joining a grass-roots rugby team to anyone,and for children it should be mandatory. Today,even Darkies and The Gays are tolerated, I don’t agree with it,but I suppose that it’s part of “progress”. Where I will draw the line is when fucking split-arses are allowed a say. Fair enough supporters,cooks and cleaners and the strippers at the annual party,but the idea of a women’s team is anathema to me…as is the practice of having women commentators, it’s a fucking liberty….the bitch on the England game yesterday was so high-pitched I thought that before much longer only the dog would be able to hear her..no such luck, the (probably) a dyke kept up a stream of hysterical jabberring throughout. Suppose she was on the rag,but really,there’s no need to have some tart spoiling one of the last great sports.
    Rugby,cricket and horse-racing are the only decent sports. Everything else in played and supported by Nancy-Boys and Lesbians. Unfortunately, the last bastions of decent sport are also being over-run by The Gays and The Lezzas,it’s a crying shame.

    Fuck Off.

    • Played Lock forward at school DF, I remember one game I was being a cunt and punched some cunt from the opposite team whilst in the scrum. I’m sure our coach saw but didn’t say anything. The poor cunt I punched was crying.
      Ps We were most disappointed you didn’t make the Carnival in Notting Hill, we had a massive pot on a rolling boil, seasoned with lots of nice spices and herbs. I’d promised my darkie friends Fiddler stew. Your always welcome next year.

    • Fair fucking play to you, Sir! That dozy fucking tart ‘commentating’ on the England game had me fucking steaming, yesterday.

  14. Rugby is a homoerotic game played by closet nancies.

    Why is it ‘rugger” fans are always criticising football, faking a lack of interest in the Beautiful Game, carping on about diving, and constantly talking up rugby events if they were comparable to footy? Envy, I presume.

    There’s just none of the beauty of football, no flow, no measure of skill. I could never be a Premiership footballer, nor a Championship, League One, League Two, part-time lower league dork. Probably not even the Scottish Premiership; but I reckon I could get into any rugby team. Become a bit tubby and don’t mind eventually having a face like a lesbian plumber.

    Furthermore, nobody seems to understand the rules, least of all the players.

    Truck’n’load off, you bunch of cissies.

    • I could never fathom the scrum. All those arse up in the air, and the poor cunt who drew the short straw has to stick his head up one of em FFS! You’re right Cap’n..homoerotic and bestial !

      • Asim, I’m sure all of that naked japery and shenanigans in the shower rooms is just “ironic” gayness. Whipping each other with towels, hilariously lighting their own farts, “reluctantly” playing the biscuit game, it’s like they’d never left their private school.

        Repressed bunch of bufties.

    • Have to disagree with you, Capt.

      Anyone, even people who have died, could play in the Scottish Premier League. So that includes you. And me. And my nan and she’s been gone a few years now.

      • Your nan’s not gone IY, she’s been goalkeeper for Stenhousemuir for the last seven years.

      • That would explain that even after her funeral, we kept getting Christmas and birthday cards with a Scotland post mark. Mystery solved Capt, mystery solved.

  15. At my school it was football for winter, fucking rugby for spring and stupid fucking cricket for the summer terms. Absolutely hated cricket and rugby. Especially rugby since there seemed no skill or finesse involved – just brute force thuggery. Plus to go forward you must pass the ball backwards. Yeah, that makes sense. Rugby at school was always greeted with much glee by the bully types because it was basically legalised bullying on a sports field for those arse holes.

    Each to their own I ‘spose, but it doesn’t seem to require much in the way of talent or training to be fat, have a neck like a birthday cake and run directly into other human beings while holding a ball under your arm.

    • Yes I agree wholeheartedly Yank. I was made to play ‘rugger’ at grammar school for 2 yrs, and it was indeed a ‘bully’s charter’. I could stand up for myself but resented having to, and less aggressive types just got kicked about. I think it’s what really put me off the game, plus the fact that I couldn’t figure out the rules then and still can’t.

  16. When 212 countries go in for the rugby World Cup, then we can all have a discussion about what is the best game.

  17. Tiddleywinks !! Marvelous game, especially when played with ladies. Sometimes I tiddle when I should be winking !!
    What larks !
    Fuck sport.

    • Strip poker with a well endowed lady and plenty of wine on hand was a jolly jape back in my student days. Ah, Veronica of the bra busting decolletage, where are you now?

      *sob*

  18. Rugby League for me. A great northern game played by tough northern and watched by tough northern folk in tough northern rain.

    Much tougher than the mamby pamby Union version played by the nonces down south, and there 10 million fucking rules & infringements.

    But then again both formats are far interesting than the poncy wankfest known as Premier League Football.

    And don’t get me started on American Football (rugby with helmets and shoulder protectors FFS) or baseball (rounders with a bigger stick)

    Cunts

  19. My daughter and son in law lived in the States for a time and when there was a big ‘football’ game on, we went to a bar with some of his hospital crowd to have a few refreshments and watch it. They tried to explain the rules and the ‘plays’ to me but fuck, it’s incomprehensible, and a boring load of cunt to boot. The Yanks thought it was funny until I offered to explain cricket to them…

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