The Great Shrinking Chocolate Bar Scandal

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I love Crunchies and Cadbury’s Flakes me, but I just won’t pony up the readies for them anymore, they’ve become such a rip-off. Anyone recall the time when a flake was worth eating? They used to resemble a baseball bat. Now they’re about three inches long, and look like an anorexic pencil. Two bites and it’s gone.
Remember the Toblerone debacle? The arseholes who make them tried to change the legendary ‘chunky’ shape by widening the gaps between the triangles. It ended up looking like a miniature bike rack. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the fucking chisellers then tried to rob the hapless consumer twice by going for a price increase to boot.

Ok, so it’s chocolate, a ‘luxury’ item I suppose, and nobody forces me to buy. But what about when the ‘principle’ (and I use the word ironically here) extends not just to ‘luxury’ foodstuffs but necessities? The portions continue to dwindle, prices continue to rise, while wages stagnate.

The bastard faceless, multinational corpocunts responsible think we’ve all got ‘Idiot’ tattooed across our foreheads, and they can really see us coming. Somebody somewhere is doing alright out of this, but it ain’t the longsuffering consumer, that’s for sure. Is it too much to hope that one day soon these fuckers will get theirs? Burn baby burn.

Nominated by Ron Knee

73 thoughts on “The Great Shrinking Chocolate Bar Scandal”

  1. The most honest response I ever got to dwindling portion sizes and rising prices was from a purveyor of illicit goodies.

    “It’s da credit crunch bruvs, innit'”

    Every item these days is like a bag of crisps from that jug ear cunt company, half the contents is just empty space. The company executives don’t want a decrease in their standard of living so they foist the difference on to the consumer. Cunts.

  2. A Yorkie bar was a proper treat but has shrunk considerably and now looks like its pussy whipped snowflake little brother. Goes without saying they dropped the “Its not for girls!” slogan before the feminazi goon squad started a social meeja backlash.

  3. I loved Curly Wurlies as a kid. I realise from a child’s perspective a CW was huge in size, but even as a young adult they were just as big and just as chewy. But today, fucking hell two or three bites and it’s game over.

    Of course the health experts want us all to eat less chocolate. So their simple solution is to slap a tax on it, or force the manufacturers to downsize, which they do but without reducing the price. Which sometimes means you buy two instead of one Kit Kat, for example, because they’;re so fucking small they hardly make an impact on your appetite – which is good news for the manufactures and the Treasury because of the extra revenue, the cunts!

    Oh and Cadbury’s chocolate bars are all shite since Kraft/Mondelez fucked them over in 2010. My mother used to work at Bournville (Cadbury’s main factory in the 70s and 80s), and used to bring home a shedload of reject chocolate (nothing wrong with the taste, just bars that were slightly misshapen during production). Absolutely gorgeous tasting chocolate and big bars too!

    But then Kraft came in and took over operations and downsized everything, including the ingredients so that our chocolate tastes like the shit they sell over in the States.

    All a bunch of greedy, classless cunts!

    • Mars bars were definitely bigger back in the 60’s, and tastier, I would eat the toffee off the top first before devouring the rest.
      Anyone remember Golden Galleon sweet tobacco ?

      • Fucking hell Fenton, sweet tobacco, that takes me back. Remember sweet cigarettes ?
        Good morning.

      • Didn’t Marianne Faithful shove a Mars Bar up her fluff hole when she was dating Mick Jagger back in the 70s? If she did it would have probably given her a good full length; whereas had she tried a modern Mars Bar she’d be wondering if it was actually in or not!

      • Nah! The Mars Bar myth is bollocks… The cozzers who busted Mick and Keith at Redlands in 67 -in cahoots with the News Of The Screws – -went well over the top and put loads of bullshit into their ‘reports’…. In reality it was a few hippy knobheads with some weed and some uppers…. Which Ver Filth and the tabloids stretched to a drug fueled orgy and a bird using a Mars Bar as a dildo… Faithfull may have been a bit of a ‘goer’ (OK, a slag) but does anyone really believe she would fuck herself with a Mars Bar with the pigs swarming all over the place?…

      • Bang on the money Norman.

        As if they couldn’t get higher in my estimation, the Stones reputation soared after me and my mates read that story!

        My dad took the News Of The Screws and was suitably disgusted. Happy days…

      • But don’t forget Keef recently told the world that Mick Shagger had a tiny cock.

        Perhaps Marianne needed “assistance”?

        Probably all of it untrue but rock n roll would be a duller thing without these sort of stories.

      • Morning Jack, morning Mr Fistula.

        Yes, remember it well – came in a nifty authentic looking tobacco pouch, strange texture… couldn’t decide whether I really liked it or not… preferred sweet cigarettes me.

        https://goo.gl/images/z3VyFE

      • Morning Ruff. The cigs had a unique sweet smell, probably some mildly toxic, synthetic and highly addictive additive.
        Marvellous.

      • Keef said that about Mick’s knob because Jagger boffed that bony smacked up skank, Pallenberg, on the set of Performance and Keef is still sulking about it…. Don’t know what any of ’em saw in Anita… No knockers, grin like a shark, and a devious bitch to boot… But Marianne was a cracker in her prime… a magnificent pair of tits, as Tony Calder rightly said….

      • Aztec bar anybody?
        My wife recently picked up a pack of Cadbury chocolate fingers, the box looked the same but that was where all similarities ended… The fingers were once of a decent size with a good chocolate coating they now resemble the little finger of small African child, a fine mist of chocolate coats each disappointly small treat, worse stil the box appears to be half empty….
        just look at your quality street Xmas tins!!! Diameter looks the same but it’s as shallow as fuck!!
        Cunts,..

      • I remember the Aztec, also Bar Six, which was one of my particular favourites.
        Before I get too gooey eyed , I’d just like to say that Richard Branson is a fucking cunt and I hope he has a shit Friday.

      • My granddad used to get us the Milk Tray bar and the Cadbury’s Rumba (remember that?)… Bloody nice, the pair of them…

        I almost feel sorry for today’s millennial snowflake young ‘uns… Actually, I don’t feel sorry at all, fuck them…. But the poor little cunts don’t know what day it is… Not only is their music, TV, film, football, fashion, and totty (Taylor Swift? Jennifer Lawrence? Oh, my fucking sides!) shite, but their chocolate is too… Credit card sized piss poor imitations of Marathons (Snickers, my arse!) and yet another crass variation/cash-in’ on M&Ms…. And Hersheys are like turds in toffee paper….

        Some classics here:

        https://i2.wp.com/coffee.jamesclay.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/retrochoc.jpg

      • Morning Q.

        Does the chocolate on your wife’s fingers still taste the same, ha ha? I read somewhere that Cadbury’s had changed the recipe in favour of the debased American palate. Or maybe that was that just cream eggs.

        Tried some Yank chocolate when I was in the States. Fucking vile.

        At least McVities milk chocolate digestives still taste scrummy…

      • Very nice, Mr NoCuntForOldMen – very more-ish. Best avoided if you’ve been smoking spliffs.

      • Old Jamaica; run and raisins. Yummy. My mum used to keep a bar in the basket, top shelf of the old sideboard. Those were the days…

    • People who spend all night filming anything are cunts!!
      I’ve seen these type of Cunts at world title fights spend the entire evening fucking around with their phones…..
      And even bigger Cunts standing around in Ibiza nightclubs on the balconies recording other people having a good time,100,s of the idiots.

  5. It’s us normal folk that suffer all because the fat fucking bloaters can’t stop filling their fat fucking cushion-like faces. Wire their fucking jaws shut until they slim down to a size where they don’t need a special fucking ambulance and another fucking crew or the fire brigade to get their fat arses to hospital ’cause their self-inflicted diabetes is playing up. Used to see them when I was on light-duties, working in an office opposite a Greggs. The cunts used to take their beanbag-like offspring in for a health-conscious sausage roll or three for breakfast.

    Cunts. Absolute cunts.

    • Beanbag-like offspring haha. They may as well be a piece of lounge furniture since they reside in front of the tv all bloody day.

  6. Hi guys, ain’t the weather lovely today..
    While I agree with your cunting Mr knee there is a solution to this shrinking chocolate travesty. I’m very light fingered and cannot help myself pilfering at the checkout. I usually go for a crunchy or Twirl..
    Yet to be caught, I find the best shops for this is the Gestapo discount stores.

  7. There’s a shop in Greenwich where you can buy all the old sweets…….humbugs, rhubarb and custard, sherbert lemons, cola cubes, black jacks, sherbert dip, coconut ice, love hearts….everything you can think of. Fuck knows where they get them from. Nostalgia ain’t cheap though….. last time I went in there they took twelve quid off me.

    • We used to get 4 black jacks for 1d (equal to half of 1p). That was ten years before we joined the EEC. Now they cost a fortune.

      Coincidence?

      • Can’t call ’em “black jacks” anymore, just in case someone is offended!

        Same with the Milky Bar Kid – no longer than bespectacled, freckled blond kid; these days the “kid” would have to be a non-gender-specific-non-white person.

        Fortunately I have a Picnic bar in the fridge – they’re not the same as they used to be either, but it’s better than a kick in the nads.

  8. The ‘Russian Doll’ effect on Quality Street tins at Christmas has become a running joke…

    And when I saw a 4 pack of Cadbury’s Double Decker in my local Co-Op, I first thought it was a multipack of cigarette lighters… Because that’s how small they were… It is an absolute rip off, but I’m expecting some libflake fanny to blame the shrinking choocy on Brexit….

    • United biscuits ( Yildiz) have already used brexit as an excuse to shrink some of their biscuit packs! Jaffa cakes down from 12 to 10 for example….. 😡😡

    • You’ve got to credit the ad makers.
      ‘It’s full of Cadbury goodness but very small and neat’

      Sell you something tiny for an exorbitant price, and crack on that it’s actually a healthy snack when it’s full of sugar, salt and fat.
      Marketing genius.

    • Curly wurly 3p 😂😂
      Fucking classic ….
      so if you’ve got a £1.00
      “ 33 curly wurlys please and put the change in the East African appeal, actually I’ll take a gobstopper instead “

      • Me and a few mates robbed a box of selection boxes from the back of a delivery van ( little cunts ), no one liked Curly Wurly’ s so my mates dog ate them, it threw up all over the carpet that evening .
        Fun times.

    • Blimey!

      Check out the competition/give away details on the Dairy Milk bar – 100 new cars to be won. Okay, they were Avengers and therefore not the last word in luxury motoring, but they were giving away a century of the bastards and 1000 Scalextric sets. And all you had to do to enter was complete and return a form found inside the outer wrapper. Good? Not ‘alf.

      Nowadays you’d be lucky if the prize was a 1989 Yugo (winner to pay all shipping costs, import duties and taxes; car is located in Bosnia) and you’d have to dial a premium rate number (call charges won’t exceed £100 per minute and no call will last more than 5 minutes) in order to be in with a chance of winning ‘this incredible prize’.

  12. Morning all.
    I heartily concur with the view that Yank chocolate tastes like shite. Anyone tried their version of a Kit-Kat? It’s like eating compacted sawdust, fucking horrendous.
    Those cunts at Kraft have got a lot to answer for as well for crimes against not just choc, but food in general. Kraft cheese slice, anyone? Shite tasting guk with the consistency of putty. Cunts.

    • Morning, Ron… The Yank Kit Kat should be named Shit Shat…. And Cadbury’s has been well and truly fucked up and over by Kraft… Kraft would sell shit if they got money out of it… Let’s face it, they’ve done it plenty of times before…

  13. A mate of mine asked me, ‘Are you watching the new Doctor Who?’
    My reply was, ‘ Yeah! If Jodie is running around in her frilly duds, being chased by a Dalek, as the Benny Hill theme plays in the background…’

    So the answer is fucking no….

      • Shame the new Doc can’t use her TARDIS to go back in time to the 70s, and she could have some gripping all-out ‘action’ with Leela….

  14. When I was a lad, back in Victorian times, a chocolate treat was just that. A treat. Perhaps on a Friday when you got your paper round money or a Saturday night off your folks. There were very few fat bastards about. I wonder why?
    The thing about the Toblerone is that chocolate taste depends very much on shape and what the daft fuckers did to the bar altered it. Any self respecting chocolate company knows this.
    Cunts the lot of them.

    • So true. I even remember when a roast chicken was just for Christmas. And tasted of something because it wasn’t a cloned dinosaur from a factory farm. And when avocados were unbelievably exotic and only available in places like the Grosvenor Grill. And Brown Windsor soup, the weeks-old simmering standby of the slow-food sector (there was no fast food apart from the chipper which opened only at night). In my class of 30 kids, there was just one fat cunt, and he wasn’t all that fat, either….(rambles on interminably…)

  15. Does anyone remember those chocolate bar machines they used to have on railway stations? We had one in the street outside the shops round my way. As kids we used to test the drawers every time we walked past but nothing ever happened.
    Then one night me and my mate were walking past and the first drawer opened! ……..then the next and the next……..fuck me, all four drawers opened over and over again!!!!! Some cunt had just filled it and forgot to lock it. We emptied the fucking thing. We had our pockets and shirts stuffed with chocolate bars, we were in fucking heaven!
    We were giving chocolate away to every kid we saw, even cunts we didn’t even know. It was fucking crazy.
    Needless to say I was sick as a dog for the next three days and couldn’t touch chocolate for about 6 months after that.
    Happy days.

    • Post office over the road had a choc machine, a milk carton machine, and a fag machine. Would last about 3 fucking picoseconds now.

  16. Anything tending to reduce the diabetic fat bastard count in the country can only be good. I do not concur with this cunting. Reduce the size further, hit the product with a punitive tax, and put illustrated health warnings on the plain, turd-brown wrappers. Doesn’t work for smokes, either, but hey, it’s fun.

    Incidentally, I see Elon Musk is to be done for fraud.

  17. I remember when getting a big bar of Fruit and Nut or Old Jamaica and a dirty book from the paper shop was ‘big time’ serious shit….. I did a few odd jobs for Old Sam, our newsagent in Moston when I was a kid… As a reward Sam (lovely bloke) gave me a couple of quid and on top of that he then said ‘Take a couple of things out the shop, son’… So I had a big fuck off Fruit and Nut and a copy of Mayfair… Utopia for a 14 year old lad, that was….

    • Mayfair was a decent men’s mag apart from the editing of the girly’s girly bits. But I think it had a cartoon strip called “Carrie” – which was always a bit of a giggle.

      But by the time I reached 16 I was bored of softly,softly Mayfair and moved up to Men Only and Club, alongside my weekly copy of Action, Roy of the Rovers and 2000AD

      Great days!

      • Still have most of my 2000 ADs and my Batmans from those days (Neal Adams was ‘the’ artist where Batman was concerned)… Always loved Judge Dredd stories and I had an unhealthy errr obsession with Judge Anderson when I was a young ‘un…. Used to also like reading Garth in my dad’s Daily Mirror and Axa in The Sun… Mind you, I didn’t really read Axa, I just looked at her tits….

      • Axa – golly gosh, now that brings back fond memories from my misspent yoof!

        Loved Axa – didn’t bother with the stories, but always admired her boobies, and a rather divine arse underneath that skimpy loin cloth – more so when she was on all 4s

        Her and Andy Capp were the only reasons I bothered with the two tabloids back in the day – that and Sammantha Fox & Jo Guest.

    • What little I’ve heard of this upcoming remixed White Album sounds pretty good… Better than Macca’s latest load of tripe anyway….

      • Incorrect! Everything that bunch of dickbags did was utter shite.

        I cannot put into words how much I loathe that fucking band. Oh wait I can…..2 down, 2 to go.

        Sorry Norm. Nothing personal.

  19. Man from uncle, Mars attacks, American civil war gum cards. Extremely violent dipictions on the civil war cards. But were we’re hard enough to deal with it back in the day. Unlike all these sissy snowflakes.

    • American Civil War cards? Fuck me i’ve still got the complete set, ninety of them I believe. That sparked a lifelong interest in American history and the War in particular. I’ve been to most of the places mentioned on those cards.
      By the way, the violence on those cards was brought up in Parliament but nothing ever came of it. The early stirrings of snowflakery.

    • Mars Attacks has some good one liners. I recall some tart wife sitting with husband Jack Nicholson in a bar or restaurant. She’s the whiny type and said something like, “Do I have to sit here and watch you drink?”. To which Jack’s character said, “You’re an adult. Just cope”. LOL. Great put down.

  20. Please stop these cuntings about chocolate. I’m remembering all those things I used to eat before I was diagnosed with diabetes. Cadburys Dairy Milk, Flakes, Turkish Delight, Chocolate Creams, Toblerone and those large Kit-Kat things that Sainsburys used to sell. I want to cry.

  21. Back in the day when I was a lad at school, a Curly Wurly was almost as long as my arm. Nowadays, it’s a shadow of its former self.

    This whole ethos of ‘let’s not put up the price, we’ll just make the product smaller and nobody will notice’ is a raging mega cunt.

    I always thought it was just a generational thing where as you got older you just felt that everything was better when you were younger and modern up-to-date stuff is not as good. Seems to me, that’s literally come true in my lifetime. Who’da thunk it?

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