‘You learn something every day’, they say. Well today I learned that multiplexes are cunts.
Things started badly early doors, with rain putting paid to my gardening plans. Not having been to the pictures for ages, we decided to take in a flick, and that’s when the problems really started.
I waded through the programme (mostly Yank shite) trying to pick the bones out of-
* ‘animations’ (cartoons to you)
* another bastard superhero
* a musical with that horrible smug cow Streep in it
* something with her off that shitty ‘Ghostbusters’ retread in it
* yet another fucking shark film (done to death, or what?)
* corporate franchise money trees of the ‘Mission Impossible 27; Cash In’ & ‘Star Wars; The Next Fast Buck’ variety
Amazingly, I found a gem buried in this slag, a low-key, 50s set Brit drama called ‘The Book Shop’ (recommended), so off we went to get our tickets. Easier said than done. Nowadays, you can’t simply buy a ticket. You have to turn up an hour early and stand in a queue with all those who also want to buy teeth rotting popcorn, a bucket of cola, or a trough of something called ‘nachos’. The latter appears to consist of microwaved horseshit with bits of card stuck in it, all smothered in elastic ‘cheese’ sprayed from a can, would you believe. This abomination can actually be taken into the ‘screen’, where it reeks the place out like a particularly ripe fart. Then I finally reached the counter, only to shit a brick when told by the spotty faced, minimum wag oik ‘serving’ that even with a concession, it would cost the thick end of twenty notes for me and the missus to gain admission. Fuck, we wanted to see a film, not put a deposit down on the dump.
So, we finally got settled in to await the film, only to be tortured by a barrage of ‘aspirational lifestyle’ adverts. Very persuasive in my case as it turned out, as I couldn’t wait to get out to buy the latest must have top of the range smartphone and a fucking BMW.
At last, the main event, preceded by a plea to ‘switch off your phones, finish your conversations, and enjoy the film in peace’. No fucking chance. As the credits rolled, some cow opened a huge bag of cellophane wrapped sweets which she then rattled for the next hour.
Meanwhile two ‘Mrs. Brady Old Lady’ types chuntered on (‘my Sidney had a coat like that’, ‘…coat like that, yes’) until hushed by a shout of ‘be quiet, you silly old woman!’. Then some cunt’s mobile phone went off… Finally, I had to lurch out half way through for a leak, missing a chunk of the film (the prostate, now there’s a fucker that needs a cunting if ever there was).
Well now I know. If you actually want to enjoy a film, the last place to see it is in a multiplex. Next time I’ll wait until ASDA’s got the dvd for a fiver, and I’ll enjoy it in the peace of my own home, with the added advantage of being able to pause it if I need a piss.
‘The Multiplex Experience’, coming soon to a cinema near you, and it’s a right sack of cack.
Nominated by Ron Knee
They don’t seem to make films for grown-ups anymore so multiplexes not on my radar.
Animations, Superfuckingheros, worn out franchises that were shite to start with, fucking zombies and vampires and then there’s Harry Fucking Potter Lord off the ringpieces.
Cant see there ever being another Godfather, Taxi driver, Deliverance, Deer Hunter, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Bonnie and Clyde.
Fill in your favourites from the times when some films were truly inspiring and thoughtful.
And stick your multiplex up your arse.
6
Perhaps now that Labour have left politics, they could turn to making *adult* films?. Imagine the variety Andy Adonis as “Prison Bitch”, Jess Phillips & Angela Eagle in “Strap-a-dick-to-me” (I can see a 2 and 3 from that one), and Peter Mandelson as The DICKtator. The new star of the silver screen Gina “Me, too” Miller in the remake of Clockwork Orange, called “Mechanical Bananas”, to be followed by “Take It Like A Man”, finally a blaxploitation movie for Diane Abbot (widescreen) “Megaboob Killer” – who is suffocating little cunts like Adonis, the boy Kinnock and co. Jeremy & John’s films will have audiences glued to their seats – it will be the only way to keep them in the building.
8
The Tories could get in on the act – Boris Gump springs to mind.
Labour could counter with a remake of Steptoe and Son starring Corbyn and that little Jones fucker whose name escapes me. Then there’s the mayor of London as Gunga Din. That should spark some civil disorder amongst the aspiring architect/model/footballer/brain surgeon innit bruv community.
7
Owen, CC.. Yes you can imagine him howling “ooh you dirty old man!”
Perhaps Saddick Khan in a remake of It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum with Keir Starmer as the Sgt Major (“lovely boy”) said perhaps to young Owen again.
5
An It Ain’t Half Hot Mum remake with Owen Jones as Gloria… ‘ Brexit? It’s a travesty! You’re cruel and sadistic! I can’t go on! I caaaaaan’t staaaaand it!’
3
I love films (mostly old ones, most modern ones being utter gash) and enjoy a visit to the cinema, but only on my own terms.
Here’s my recipe for a cunt-free* cinematic experience:
Take a day off work outside of the school holidays (avoiding Thursdays, Fridays, weekends and bank holidays), have something wholesome to eat then take a leisurely trip to the picture house in time for the early afternoon showing of the film of my choice. Once there, avoid the (non-existent, in my case) urge to buy cinema ‘food’, pick out a nice, comfy seat well away from the handful of other patrons in the auditorium and enjoy the film.
*Mostly.
7
With all the way on the oldies, Sterling. I love 30s ‘golden age’ films (of which I have a large collection), featuring all time greats like Cary Grant, Barbara Stanwyck, Ronald Colman, Fred & Ginger, Bogey and the like.
These I watch over and over. Can’t think of any film made in the last 20 yrs that I’ve seen more than once.
5
I don’t go to the cinema at all unless I’m asked to. Much better to wait till the dvd is out or even better stream it for free on Showbox. You save money either way.
8
We always let the film run for a couple of weeks minimum then strut in to a late screening. We’ve often been the only people in there. Bliss!
5
I haven’t been to the cinema for a couple of years now. For the last 15 yrs all we’ve been getting is remakes, sequels and spinoffs. I was a child of the 80s and all my favourites are being ruined by “progressive” agenda. Ghostbusters, Star Wars, Alien, Predator, Robocop and now the Terminator have all been ruined. The only one left that needs to be remade with this agenda, off the top of my head, is Back to the Future. Thank God I have my massive dvd and blu-ray collection. I really would be lost without it!!
7
Some recent ‘re-boots’ have been fucking gash, often because of the ‘agenda’ you mention.
The recent ‘Ghostbusters’ fanny reboot is the worst film I’ve seen this millennium. Wouldn’t touch the ‘Ocean’s 8’ bag of sick with someone else’s.
The urge to keep redoing classic films and tv shows is beyond me (other than the smell of easy money, of course), as I think anyone watching the likes of ‘The Magnificent 7’, ‘The Equaliser’ and ‘The A Team’ will realise. I see that a re-make of ‘Mary Poppins’ is up for Xmas, a fact that anyone who spent as much time self-abusing over that prissy, starchy miss in her very tight clothes as I did as a 14 yr old will regard with obvious distaste…
6
Will Mary Poppins be a darkie in this new one? Every other ‘rebooted’ character is… They’re even trying to get Idris Bellend to do Bond now… And Ocean’s 8? I saw the ad for it on the side of a bus, and it looked like an advert for Jelly Babies (black one, yellow one, red one etc)… And what’s with the fat repellent slag on the front of Cosmopolitan?! I wonder where this PC madness and diversity is going to stop (if it does)?… In a decade (or maybe less) I see a time where these magazines and the like will have some sicko who is into kiddies or animals on the front of their publication, and they will justify it by going on about ‘rights’ ‘life choices’ and ‘diversity’… I really do think they could take it that far..
9
Julie Andrews was lovely… Oh aye…
I bet the new Poppins will be some cunt like Emma ‘Cunt’ Thompson, Carey ‘Hairy’ Mulligan, or Titless Emma Twatson…
2
Nah at least we’re spared that one, mate. MP is played by Emily Blunt, so they didn’t get Anne fucking Hathaway trying to do an English accent
2
Ah well, at least it’s not Anne Twatway or Emma twatson…
2
I hark back to the days of the ABC, Odeon & Gaumont cinemas in Brum city centre back in the 70s and 80s. No multiplex bollocks back then – just pay for your ticket, find a seat, go through the usual “Pearl & Dean ads” (cue the pa pa pa pappapa jingle), grab an ice cream and Kia Ora from the trolley dolly; wade through those “out there” Benson & Hedges ciggy adverts, then the forthcoming trailers; then a shitty short followed by the main event.
No phones, no noisy kids, no expensive sidelines like coke, burgers and coffees that require a personal loan to buy!
These days I rarely bother with the cinema as a whole, other than the local independent that sometimes shows decent films that the masses have hardly heard of.
Multiplex – Multicunts
15
The Curzon (aka Fleapit) in Sutton was great…saw Morecambe & Wise in “That Riviera Touch”. It was “redone” as a Studio 1-2-3, catering for “touch” of a different sort.
The Granada was good, too. Heard the RPO and Willi Boskovsky doing Mozrt’s 40th symphony there, the year Waldo de los Rios did a jazzed-up version. Also, my first and only cinema-organ concert (as audience, not performer !), before the cubting developers torched the place for the insurance money. Grubbing bastard-vermincunts.
5
Blimey NoCunt, the Gaumont in Brum city centre, now THAT was a cinema; a genuine old style picture palace with that Todd-AO scope
screen about the size of the Villa Park pitch.
Had some great nights out up the town in there. Those were the days…
4
I saw ‘Back To The Future’ during a short break in Norfolk.
The film may have been released a long time ago but I can clearly remember sitting in the cinema and thinking ‘Shit, this bloke is gonna fuck his mum.’
Fortunately the usher threw them out at the fingering stage….
22
Nice one JR, when’s your next Stand Up!😂😂👍
9
I gave up the cinema when the Carry On’s ended (in the 70s). The last one, Columbus was long after Sid, Hattie and co had died. I couldn’t go now with all the bloody noise both on the soundtrack and in the biograph.
People’s eating habits are another thing that needs a good cunting. I was on a bus at abt 11 yesterday morning and some lardarse cunt got on with a greasy brown bag of chips in one hand and his fucking mobile in the other, the phone call continuing as he stuffed chips in his gob. When he had finished the chips the bag went on the floor and the dirty cunt wiped his greasy fingers on the upholstery. The fuckwit was old enough to know better 40 ish, obese, white and British.
10
Some bloke set up a FaceFuck group where he and others photographed Fat women scoffing their fat fucking faces whilst on Public Transport.
I think it was imaginatively called ‘Fat women eating on public transport’ or similar.
I only heard about it as the wimminz at Al-BBCeer were outraged and made it a news story.
Fat cunts need shaming.
12
Anyone wanting to see a collection of right fat cunts and other assorted weirdo types should have a look at Walmart photos and films on Youtube. That’s entertainment.
3
Last went to the pictures 10 years ago. It was bearable… just.
Don’t expect to go again in this life.
6
I’m told that it’s the food and drink where they make the big money. They charge a fortune for popcorn for example and it costs fuck all to make. The spectator experience in this country is becoming increasingly Americanised. I’ve been to the cinema, baseball, NFL and a theatre musical in the States and I can assure you they never stop fucking eating and drinking. Up and down, in and out, coming back with hot dogs, burgers, beer, Gatorade, fucking giant pretzels. Fuck knows why they can’t go more than 2 minutes without shoving some shit in their stupid gobs but I know some cunt is making a load of dish out of it.
7
It’s nowhere near as expensive in the States though.
3
Haven’t been to a cinema in decades, for all the reasons given above and the fact that those who make films have run out of ideas. Watching a DVD at home is infinitely preferable to being surrounded by people talking, coughing, sucking sweets and kicking the back of your seat.
I’m working on an original screenplay that ought to make me a fortune. Six teenagers go to a cabin in the woods to drink beer, one of them throws up in the toilet, two of them have sex with their clothes on, then they’re murdered in different ways until there’s only one left. And here’s the twist. The one who’s still alive isn’t the killer!
7
Off topic I guess but have you come across the Children of Bodom murders in Finland? Group of four teenagers go a camping and a shagging in the middle of nowhere and next morn three are slit open but one survives. Years later he’s acquitted. 1960. Still unsolved.
5
I don’t think it’s so much that those who make films have run out of ideas. I think there are probably hundreds of original scripts that have been rejected by studios and executives because they just don’t want to take any risks. They just want a “guaranteed” success which is why everything has become a franchise these days. Another big part of it is selling toys to kids. Films are no longer an art form; they’ve become a business just like everything else. Most of the legendary films of the past such as Scarface, Unforgiven, Gladiator or even Titanic wouldn’t even get to the production stage today. I just hope it all backfires on those greedy bastards eventually….
7
Why even bother calling it multiplex? You can only watch one screen at a time anyway.
Even as a child I thought they were shit. Unless you sit dead centre at the right distance you’re going to be tilting you neck or straining your eyes sideways, and even then the screen is so fucking huge you miss details and context. Factor in the darkness and I’m half asleep after 20.
8
The Mayfair cinema in Whitefield, Manchester, was a great place… It even had a bar… It was more like a theatre than a cinema, but you name it, I saw everything there (Kubrick’s 2001, Bruce Lee, Westerns, Carry Ons, Dracula, Jaws, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Godfather, Superman etc)… They even had a Sylvia Kristel season on once… It was a sad day when it closed in 1994 and it is now replaced by horrible flats… Couple of pics of the old place here… I don’t fucking know who this Ian Grundy cunt is, or why he’s ‘copyrighted’ the pictures… Whoever he is, he didn’t own the place and his mother probably took those photos of the Mayfair anyway, the cunt…
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2072/2129448608_b8486156ec.jpg
https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2166/2128672165_1d03434eed_b.jpg
https://c1.staticflickr.com/2/1135/1170496675_5f4c9bf4c5_b.jpg
7
Love the outside shot Norm, Reminds me of simpler times…..
Oh and that Ian Grundy, he’s a cunt
4
Dont waste my time and money with those places now,full of iphone waving wankers and chair knee-ers,get the film of choice off the tinterweb ,watch it on the big tv with a glass of red
9
Nostalgia fest. Saturday morning pictures for kids in the early sixties. Old Mother Riley, Jimmy fucking Clitheroe, The Three Stooges, Flash Gordon. Come bumbling out of Hereford Odeon into the blazing sunshine happy as fucking Larry. Toddle home alone across roads, no hi Viz, no peados, not wondering whether Mother Riley has given me gender non conforming ishoos, still happy to call Clitheroe a fucking dwarf, home to mum and beans on toast and dad home from work stinking of suds oil. Happy fucking days eh.
13
I would go back to days like that anytime ! Fuck the shitpot of today!
12
Blooming eck Tony you get about, Hereford to Teeside or was it Teeside to Hereford.
1
Excellent cunting and another picturesque anecdote, Ron.
Going to those ghastly sheds is a horrible experience, one where you’re bombarded with advertising for everything useless the moment you enter its foul architectural The only advantage to yesteryear’s cinema is the better seat and legroom. Everything else is a turgid, overloud ordeal surrounded by chavs and/or cunts.
Let’s not begin to mention the films (if you call them’Movies you should be sterilised and beaten) which consist of dreadful, formulaic Yank cack. The UK only makes films for Americans, over 70s, and under-15s now, all shit, all peppered with token diversity, all irrelevant.
Incredible audacity to CHARGE for this trauma. WE should be paid.
9
Very rarely go to the pictures in the UK (I think twice in the last 10 years) for the reasons posted plus the fact that other poorly behaved bastards will always piss me off and ruin the experience.
Took my son to see Maze Runner Death Cure earlier this year. Only five of us in the whole cinema, including two soppy loud teenage girls and a teenage boy. Lots of sniggering and laughing. Was just about to tell them to shut the fuck up when the film started. They remained quiet throughout but their poor behaviour was unnecessary and reinforced my opinion films are better viewed at home.
The time before I purchased two cokes and two popcorns for £9. Have learned that lesson so last time we smuggled stuff in.
Only place audience ok was in Japan, where everyone remained totally silent before and during the film, apart from the applause at the very end of the closing credits.
Ultimately there are just not enough firms that I want to see. The usual crap with the same old faces time after time after time. Little originality, lots of remakes, too much hype, too many special effects, not enough story and not enough proper acting.
Disappointing but that’s the way it is.
Last film I saw at the cinema I enjoyed was The Grand Budapest Hotel directed by Wes Anderson. Favourite film of all time Hitchcocks North by Northwest.
2
That’s about the strangest thing I’ve read all year – Japs applauding after the closing credits… Most cunts in this country would have been halfway home by then!
Film wasn’t Pearl Harbor by any chance?
9
The War of the Worlds.
I also thought it strange Ruff Tuff. Mrs Stroker said that is normal in Japan.
Like you I would be out and away before the credits finished.
1
The cunts have been too brainwashed by the yanks, they can shove their yankee doodle shit up their slitty arses. Fuck the japs.
0
If you’re considering writing a screenplay for the cliched drivel that passes as films these days don’t forget….
It’s the Americans that crack the code and win the war.
Tom Cruise must always be filmed from a low camera angle so he can continue believing that we believe he’s six foot four…
Any cunt carrying a photo of a ‘sweetheart’ is a dead man….
There is always a parking space regardless of location or time of day….
Any cunt carrying a bag of shopping must have a French loaf sticking out the top….
Samuel L Jackson must always play Samuel L Jackson….
Any bird who has been thrown around the room and fucked senseless all night will become all coy and cover her tits with a sheet….
A certain strain of films would suggest that nurses are very eager to suck the patients cock, although I’ve not found this to be the case….
13
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
When any cunt wakes up in the middle of the night, he doesn’t turn any lights on but opens the fridge.
When the hero has to fight a gang of blokes, they just line up to take him on one by one.
Sean Connery will have a Scottish accent even when he’s playing an Egyptian, Irishman or Russian.
10
Jusht one ping Vasily, one ping please!
4
Or a Spaniard (Highlander)…
2
Oh you are so right my friend. To which allow me to add;
*anyone being ‘let go’ will leave the building carrying a box with a picture of his family sticking out of the top
*the villain will hurl his gun to the ground immediately after running out of ammo
*at some point someone will utter some clichéd piece of dialogue of the ‘let’s get outta here’, ‘none of this makes any sense’, ‘try to get some sleep now’ or ‘we’re done here’ variety
*scenes set in Paris will have an establishing shot of the Eiffel Tower and a caption saying ‘Paris, France’, just in case some cunt in Ratass, Arkansas thinks they mean Paris, Texas
*badasses under surveillance will be photographed with an on screen *freeze* move *freeze* move *click click* sequence
*in the final showdown punch-up, the villain will always get the best of the early exchanges
I could go on (and on…)
6
And. Every. Single. Fucking time the baddies have hidden the nuke with an encrypted code that would take a real life brute force supercomputer a thousand years to break the NSA guy will order the computer guy to break in ten minutes or ” my ass is on the line, kapisch”. Fuck off. I like the film Heat, I don’t mind you balling my wife Brian but you’re not watching my fucking tele, he he. The shoot outs great but there’s more lead flying than Iwo Jima and about two people get shot. Don’t get me started on the red digital bomb timer!
4
Great shootout in ‘Heat’ but about as destructive as any equivalent one in ‘The A Team’, where nobody ever hit fuck all
4
Don’t forget the digital beeps and pips when said computer expert is showing their colleague detailed graphics on the monitor.
2
Agree with all you guys but they do have one saving grace, at least my local one does. They have the ticket checker doing the checking before you get to the screens, so if you plan carefully and take a day off work, you can see three or four films for the price of one. Fucking sweet.
6
Feck going to the flea-pit now to noisy and modern people have no manners and are concerned only with their enjoyment of the place to the detriment of others.
My local picture house was in Camberley and the manager Mr Hartley had fecking head like a t.v, but he was always properly attired, bow tie dinner suit i think. You wouldn’t get that sort of pride now.
4
Camberley! Is Collingwood your Alma Mater?
1
Oh, and every Yank’s phone number is 555 ….
3
I’d heard that Hollywood agreed that with Bell, A T&T whatever so it would not be used as a real area code. Dunno.
4
Ah makes sense
3
I think I’m right in saying there are now real ‘phone numbers where the middle 3 digits are 555. I think they ran out of area/district codes or something, so started using the movie standby of 555.
1
My favourite film; Ace in the Hole.
3
Difficult to pick a fave…but always liked ‘Three Days Of The Condor.’ Directed by Sydney Pollack.
Favourite film title….’Nude Nuns With Big Guns’….(yet to see it)
3
Don’t waste your time, it’s bollocks.
2
It’s on tv every other week.
1
Shaving Ryan’s Privates always made me laugh for a movie name.
1
I loved those names used for porno films when Gene and the boys busted a porn ring in Life On Mars… On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix… A Fistful Of Donna’s, Lawrence Of The Labia….
1
By the ways guys I’m enjoying this! Thanks all
5
Last film I saw at the cinema was Terminator Salvation and it was pants.
Last films I bought on disc were Kingsman 2 and the original version of Day of the Jackal (the Bruce Willis remakes stinks).
Used to love going to the flicks but it’s overpriced now and the quality of the films seems secondary to the amount of PC propaganda that can be stuffed into them.
3
Was really disappointed with Kingsmen 2. Killing off Merlin was a HUGE mistake. Too much CGI and that cunt Elton John being on screen was enough to make me want to refund my dinner all over the TV. Cunt.
2
Didn’t see ‘2’ as the trailer was enough; looks like they took it ‘mid Atlantic’ for the box office so that well and truly put me off. What the fuck was that bewigged cunt Elton Bog doing in it by the way?
1
Despite it’s flaws Kingsman 2 is still a breath of fresh air compared to the other shite on offer, although I’ll admit the first one was better.
But then the first in a series generally is.
“That’s the first decent shit I’ve had in three weeks”
2
Same here – too loud, too expensive, nothing worth seeing and full of noisy cunts on their phones.
3
Many years ago I saw an interview with John Cleese in which he was asked something like what’s the most difficult type of film to make. His reply rang true then as it does now. He said, “Something truly original”. Hollywood is bereft of creativity. All it seems to do these days is re-hash old ideas/films, copy ideas from different forms of media or make the same film over and over again and call them prequels or sequels. Utter garbage.
The last film I went to see was The Ring (2002). Not an out and out horror flick, but a tense thriller with lots of atmosphere. Even before the opening credits we had to endure a ton of underage kids fucking about. Yelling to each other, screwing around on cell ‘phones, shrieking, running around, you name it. We got up and left, but not before busting the cinema manager. His response to being told there were multiple underage kids ruining the experience for everyone else in the theatre? He gave us tickets to see the same film another time. Text book example of not taking responsibility and deliberately dodging the issue. Cunt.
Never been back to the cinema since and will never go again. The general public cannot be trusted to behave themselves.
5
Sadly a typical experience now, my friend
2
The only truly original thing I’ve seen in years is a horror fillum called “It Follows”. Thoroughly recommended.
1
Is it called that because it’s horribly petrifying and therefore…
It Follows Through?
2
I wonder if Elton John merely has to give a little cough and follows through every time? I’ll bet his botty is like a hangman’s noose!
3
Thanks for the tip, Thomas. Just found it on Netflix. Once the Tivo reboots I’ll get it going. Hope it’s good.
1
Oh dear god! The cops in that town are a bit crap. They don’t bother to follow up the kidnapping and assault by that student at the beginning but then the victim and her friends find the guy themselves in about 10 minutes. Then that girl who gets shot accidentally at the pool winds up in hospital. Again, no cops around investigating a gun shot wound. Unsatisfactory ending too. A twist on an evil relentless pursuit I suppose, but not that great. Cheers – Imitation ‘Barry Norman’ Yank.
2
The last time Mrs Balls and I visited the picture house was on a rainy Saturday some years back.
We went to the Odeon in Kensington and the only film that would potentially entertain the pair of us was Toy story 3, in 3D.
£46 later for two tickets, 3D glasses, popcorm and a coke, we settled down to watch the film.
It was shit.
For £46 I could have gone to Tesco and bought four DVDs, enough popcorn to make us puke and a couple of bottles of wine.
Couple that with as many toilet and fag breaks as necessary and throw in not being deafened by the Dolby THX surround and sitting on our own sofa that isn’t covered in unknown sticky substances. The home cinema experience is a winner hands down.
And they wonder whu nobody wants to go to the cinema anymore.
6
Agreed. A decent sized screen and sound system you can control plus the comfort of one’s own sofa wins hands down.
Been a home cinema enthusiast since the Betamax days.
3