Cunt Solutions PLC

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Sirs, I apologise if this has been cunted before but I would like to cunt businesses that have the word ‘solutions’ after their name. It means something like ‘you have a problem, we have the solution.’

An example would be Logistics Solutions which used to be termed road haulage or similar. Ghostbusters, the non culturally enriched version, could be ‘Malign Spirits Solutions.’ That name might also apply to The Exorcist.

Anyway today I saw ‘Water Solutions for home and office needs’ on the back of a white van. Bear in mind they believe some cunt thinks they have a water problem and this shit outfit is going to fix it. Last I saw in this country water fell from the sky and came out of fucking taps. Anyway you get the drift and will likely have better examples than I do. Perhaps ‘Is A Cunt’ would be renamed ‘Cunting Solutions.’ The advert would run summat like ‘Have a problem with someone you need cunting? We have the solution.’

Which is how I found you lot when I Googled Alex Salmond is a cunt. Problem solved.

Nominated by Alan Fistula

54 thoughts on “Cunt Solutions PLC”

  2. Sunbed surfing tax dodging Branson brought me to ISAC!!
    Excellent cunting by the way
    “ cunting solutions” fantastic!!

    • What did you type Q?

      Desert island tax exile solutions? Where’s my fucking train solutions?
      Sundried Bee Gee solutions?

      • Actually I had read something he had said which made my fucking head spin!! So i typed in Branson is a Cunt!! And I crashed thru the ceiling of ISAC!! 😎
        Best thing LL

      • How about Glazer and Woodward solutions?
        Parking Stanleys on the make solutions?
        Dispose of Banana Gob solutions?

        No, couldn’t find any of them… Bollocks anyway….

    • Me too, “does anybody else think Richard Branson is a cunt” got this site top of the search list.

      • Its interesting how every cunt thought he was the best thing since sliced bread, back in the 80’s. Now he’s seen as what he actually is and always was, a greedy, grasping, parasitic little cunt.

        So, that’s progress, of sorts.

      • Personally I found it by searching “Tony Blair is a cunt”. I’ll wager I’m far from alone in that one!

      • James Corden led me here, I was getting into it with some cunt who was touting him as one of Britain’s top comedians. I just had to confirm that I wasn’t alone in knowing he was an unfunny cunt, and here I landed.

      • He is such a jammy bleeder with that daft grin on is face when he wins and toddler type sulks when he loses. A tax dodging spoilt brat motherfucker

      • The tax dodging doesn’t bother me, James Hunt and Barry Sheene did the same but the difference is they seemed like fun people to be around.

        There’s just something false about Hamilton, he’s had two personas since he’s been in F1, the first was the “I’m just a humble kid from Stevenage living the dream” then came the faux American-accented blingster with earrings, chains, fashion lines, snapchat filters and popstar girlfriends. It’s hard to tell which one is the real him.

        Barry Sheene when he rode for Suzuki turned up to an official do wearing a Yamaha t-shirt. Imagine Lewis walking about with a Ferrari t-shirt on?

        Fake as fuck.

  5. Courtesy of VIZ magazine (letters section) that shows off the nonsense of this fad.

    “A van passed me the other day with ‘SEAFOOD SOLUTIONS’ emblazoned on the side of it. To be honest, I never knew Seafood was a problem.

  6. Spot on Alan.

    Solutions and the way it is used in company names/jargon is probably the word I currently hate the most. Followed closely by “pro-active (my former boss used the word regularly but clearly did not know the meaning of the word), “synergy”, Brexit (that goes without saying), “gutted” (which unfortunately the minister used at my late wife’s funeral) and “gobsmacked”.

    The last two used primarily by morons, thankfully as I tend not to mix with morons thankfully a rarity overheard these days.

    But “solutions” in the business marketing sense is a cunt.

    Sad news for Ipswich Town FC fans (that would include Cunt’s mate Cunt:

    Ex-England and Ipswich Town player Kevin Beattie dies of a suspected heart attack aged 64.

    • Very sad news about Kevin Beattie. A terrific player from the days when football was still the game we loved.

  7. Great cunting Alan. Related to Fenton or girded from his loins? Sir Limply wont be happy if its one of them fake profiles, having two shots at dead pool and pinching his picks 😉

    • Fenton, I believe, came after me. I’d be happy to be related to him. All us Fistulas are cunts. We provide Discharge Solutions….

  8. Yep, Solutions in the title guarantees a bunch management speak cunts. Can I add ‘workshop’ used as a verb? Or the fact that anyone who talks about workshops without them being engineering or joinery related is a cunt.

    Workshop Solutions for all your workshopping needs.

    The cunts

  9. I haven’t thought or ranted about this for a long while with a drink. Private Eye have had a go at this a few years ago. I haven’t read it for a few years now but top-notch cunting!

  10. Thomas “Kevin” Beattie died today at the age of 64 of a suspected heart attack.

    Beattie played for Ipswich during their most successful spell and was widely regarded as one of the club’s greatest players. “Beat” arrived at Portman Road as a 15 year old and progressed through the youth ranks, making his full first team debut against Manchester United in 1972.

    Beattie went on to make 296 appearances for the club, scoring 32 goals and consistently finished at the top of supporters’ polls as Ipswich Town’s top player of all time.

    His career was dogged by injury, and all but ended at the age of 28. He lived in a council-owned bungalow, where he cared for his wife who has multiple sclerosis, and was placed on benefits. Football more or less turned its back on him.

    “He was without a doubt the greatest ever footballer to pull on the Ipswich Town shirt. “The fans idolised him and he loved the fans with equal measure. He would be mobbed wherever we went.

    A million fucking miles away from the overpaid cunt footballers of today, who act like bloody whores and travel far and wide to and dance for whichever paymaster is paying for the most expensive tune, no loyalty, no local connection, and no affinity with the fans.

    Football- “The Beautiful Game”?

    Kevin Beattie- RIP

    • I remember Beatie, back in the 80s, along with the likes of Paul Mariner and Mick Mills under the helm of Bobby Robson. They were a great team back then, especially Kevin, who was a workhorse for the club.

      RIP

    • Indeed,
      The overpriced overpaid so called footballers of today should be made, as part of their grubby contracts to stick 1% aside for people like KB. He gave a lot and from your great post Willie, it didn’t look like he got a whole lot back. RIP Kev, you was a good ‘un

  11. Nearly everything needs a fucking “solution” these days!

    Blocked Toilet solutions
    Keeping kids quiet solutions
    Anger management solutions

    Add to that, “Specialists” and “Enterprise”

    “We are Specialists in Enterprise Solutions” – whatever the fuck that means, but it sounds kinda sexy and right-on to the fuckwits that like those useless buzzwords. All interchangeable, and all overstating the company’s actual skillset – i.e. unblocking drains, cleaning windows and delivering a pizza to your home.

    Cunt Solutions

  12. Macron tells young jobseeker: ‘I can find you a job by crossing the road’.

    French President Emmanuel Macron has told a young unemployed gardener that there are lots of employers seeking staff. “I can find you a job just by crossing the road,” said Mr Macron, after the man brought up his concerns during a street encounter in Paris.

    The jobseeker replied that employers did not respond to his applications.

    France has an unemployment rate of about 10%, which is above the European average.

    I wonder when the last time Macron had to look for a job in the private sector so that he can insult, lecture and belittle others about their unemployment?

    Fucking NEVER is the answer. So shut your mouth you smug patronising French prick.

    • Contrast that with the illegal blamo who scaled that building to save a baby. Macron gave him French citizenship and I bet he pulled some strings as he is now training to be a fireman, quelle surprise!

  13. Funny this should come up. I googled my username a few days ago. There at the top-‘MILES PLASTICS’. It has tickled me all week.

  14. Sound Cunting Mr Fistula.

    However, allow me to put in a word for Sonic Solutions, experts in everything to do with ultrasonic cleaning.

    Offering an ultrasonic cleaning service, ultrasonic chemicals, ultrasonic baths, and the world’s best ultrasonic anilox roll cleaners, they also recently released two new ultrasound algae control systems – Mezzo DB and Quattro DB.

    Lady Creampuff had them round for tea this afternoon. Delightful people, advise you fuck with them at your peril.

    • Apology.

      For “delightful people” please read “ultrasonic cunts”.

      Thank you for your kind indulgence 🙃

  15. How about Tool Box Solutions?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXWgkCvRHIA

    She makes reference to “frustration”, “performance”, “penetration”,

    Hmmmmmm. Rather suspect my current “frustration” and lack of “performance” issues may be overcome if I could be allowed “penetration” by my tool into her box. So will perhaps do as she says and give them a call. Even willing to pay for their services.

  16. If you replaced “Solutions” with “Quandaries” you’re probably going to be nearer the mark.

  17. Off topic…

    What a fucking disgrace – Suckdick Khunt spouting more project fear and lies per square nanosecond on the Andrew Marr Show this morning than even Tony B. Liar could ever in his prime:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2Mjm8LVkKjs

    Btw Mr Khunt – everyone has access to the Single Market, even North Korea, so when Boris asserted we would still have access after we left the EU, he was telling the truth, you deliberately misleading duplicitous Kunt!

    • What the fuck has it got to do with that cunt anyway? It’s his job to worry about fucking London not Brexit the wanker.
      The cunt needs to shut his fucking gob and sort out the fucking tube or the extraordinary architect murder rate.
      Fucking piece of shit peaceful cunt.

      • Gove was also on, making a right fucking cunt of himself. Par for the course though I suppose.

      • Michael Gove – Grovelling Solutions

        As for Lord Adonis Solutions – that has to be rat poison.

        When I was travelling up and down the M25 a few years ago the buzzword was *logistics* – sort of sounds *important* but all it means is getting bog rolls from A to B (“Sanitary Logistics”). Every 15 year old battered white van had Logistics on it’s side and a mobile phone number, so probably one man bands, (they usually had “wash me” written in the dust of those 15 years on their back doors) as in Sadiq Khan – Cunting Logistics (by appointment to the queen, Anthony Blair). How about Peter Mangledbum – Back Door Logistics 🙂 Logistics, Solutions, what will be next?. Let’s dream up the next biz buzzword: *Dissembling* would be mine as in Keir Starmer Dissembling (Very) Limited

    • There’s only one ‘project’ I fear, and it’s the one that sad dick khunt truly has on his mind for the future of the UK.

  18. Just to say I wasn’t googling my username for vain reasons. I was trying to find more about the book my username comes from; Miles Plastic the hero of ‘Love Among The Ruins’ by Evelyn Waugh. Thoroughly recommended for literary cunters on here. It is (imo) much more prophetically accurate about our modern society than Nineteen Eight Four. What with the ‘Dome of Security’ reminiscent to me of The Milenium Dome. ‘The Ministry of Euthanasia’. The ubiquitous use of plastic surgery, hormone. Criminals housed in stately homes. Politicians in casual wear-think Tony Blair. I could go on. Thoroughly recommended.

      • I think Gina Miller is a bit of a Waugh (*Gang bang, darling? that’s £150 each for the whole night or £100 for a short time”_

        ….. allegedly…

  19. Ruth Davidson says she has struggled with depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Yeah, being a fat ugly lezza who looks like Michael McIntyre will do that.

    • Somehow managed to find herself with a bun in the oven too… that can’t have helped… doubtless years of misery ahead for all concerned.

      Never mind, one less hopeless potential PM to worry about.

  20. They use the word “workshop” cos it makes the white fingered pasty faced PEN pushers feel more manly and sweaty and toiling at the coal face tough.

    • I’ve heard of, but never experienced, offices where a spanner couldn’t be found for 20 miles, but start the day with a ‘toolbox talk’. No doubt they can maximise synergies whilst showcasing their skillset.

  21. Alan… Cunters tongues are wagging … rumours abound that we are from the same ball sack .

      • “That is the most unpleasant comment I have read for a very long time…”

        Mary Whitehouse, Mrs. (Deceased)

    • Come on mate, it had to happen. A bit sus with Alan and Fenton sharing a most peculiar surname. Sir Limply will be along later and you had better have a good excuse. The man will be apoplectic with rage. 😉

  23. For those of you who have not seen it, the latest Boots ad offering.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wL7SJ4p9ZSs

    Fuck me sideways- isn’t that Caster Semanya at the end?

    Boots certainly slipped up in my opinion- no Asian or Peaceful. Highly racist. And bloody sexist too. No male representation unless you include that funny looking thing.

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