Seagulls

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It’s about time seagulls were cunted again. These beady-eyed bastards have been causing havoc around Britain for years and they must be stopped. In the 20 years that I’ve been alive, these winged monsters have grown in size and have become increasingly aggressive. They’ve become so confident that they might as well be considered a part of society. They don’t flinch if you move towards them and they have no problem in pinching your grub from under your nose.

The government had previously promised to cull a number of these cunts, however, this must have been all talk as they’re everywhere; and if you don’t see them you can bloody well hear them making a fucking racket. The seagulls in other countries are normal size but the ones here in Britain are fucking obese – just like the people – from all the crap they chow down on.

These aggressive bastards have also been known to attack people and animals. Pensioners have been dive-bombed and unsuspecting pets have been picked up and dropped from a great height. Seagulls are on par with all the ‘minorities’ in this country – they have too many rights and privileges.

This fat bastard of a seagull has taken up asylum on my property. He nicks my cats’ food from right in front of them and he even had the nerve to bolt down my bacon sandwich which I had left unattended for no more than 10 seconds. Like shit off a shovel he was. He buggered off for a while but this massive boss of a seagull has now returned and brought all his chums with him; making a load of noise, looting my food supply, pillaging and shitting everywhere. This cunt is the size of a small dog and it’s beyond ridiculous. Like many other seagulls, he is about five times the size he should be. The sooner this cunt and his crew are gone, the better. Seagulls are cunts of the highest degree and must be stopped.

Nominated by Jayniño

50 thoughts on “Seagulls”

  1. “When seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea” – Eric Cantona.

    Ex footballer, part-time philosopher, kung fu enthusiast and French.

    • Reminds me of some Python sketch –

      “Yangtse, wondrous river, river full of…fish”

      Oddly, I believe it was supposed to be a football commentator reciting those words…

  2. Here in Australia, every Spring sees bastard magpies swooping down on anyone who has the temerity to walk or cycle near ‘their’ tree. Even worse are the plovers who, despite being birds, insist on nesting on the ground and becoming aggressive to anything within a couple of hundred feet. Use your fucking wings geniuses.

    Four time ISAC nominee and homosexualism enthusiast Stephen Fry was bang on with this quote…

    https://mikesplace2017.wordpress.com/2018/08/19/quote-of-the-day-53-part-one/

    • Whaaaat??!! Stephen Fry only cunted four times? I thought this treacherous, fucking attention-seeking smart arse had finally carried through with his many threats to top himself but it seems not, more’s the pity.
      Still, perhaps I’ll put him in the next Dead Pool, more in hope but just in case………

    • Too true CMC. I have a .22 rimfire ( legal) and silencer (not legal in NSW ) I don’t have a problem with aggresive Maggies. The peaceful ones have nothing to fear.

  3. I recommend :
    1. A point 22 calibre good quality air rifle
    2. A telescopic sight
    3. Aim for the head
    4. Large black bin bag

    Just be careful what’s behind the target when you pull the trigger or you could end up in deep shit if you miss…

    • Mind you a body shot would be easier and the bastard would suffer more before the coup de gras

      • Sadly the cunts are immune to body shots, believe me I know. Feathers are like chain mail (especially on the chest) and padded by layers of burger-weaned blubber.
        Needs a head-shot to be conclusive. Tricky, but with practice it can be done.
        Good morning

      • I has decent success shooting them from behind against the feathers. Felled everyone I hit.
        Not in flight obviously but sat in trees doing that cooing shit.

    • Dioclese is spot on here. I bought a Day of the Jackal job to deal with a pigeon problem. Strangely enough, the shop still sells shotgun shells to Tony Martin, whom, you might recall, has the American approach to protecting property.

    • A BSA Lightning .22 served me well for rabbits, rats and pigeons. Don’t skimp on the scope (it doesn’t have iron sights). The silencer’s a bit feeble but can be replaced with one that works. And far be it from me to recommend putting a heavier piston in, which makes it illegal without a FAC. But.

  4. I also recall seagulls being a menace at RAF Lossiemouth where they shit on everything and are a danger to aircraft. You’d think they’d cull the cunts, Typhoon fighter jets being a tad expensive to replace. But, no, seagulls are protected by law….

    • The normal procedure was for someone to drive round the airfield from time to time letting off pyrotechnics, but I believe they trialled hawks at Lossiemouth at one stage.

      • Lossiemouth have a flight of four falcons.

        This is the only place in the UK that falconry actually works as a bird deterrent, due to one of them being airbourne at all times.

  5. I like seagulls. Whilest sitting outside a pub in Seahouses with a group of friends,we saw a seagull who obviously targeted children and old people. How we laughed as porky,betroot-red children and doddery old farts flapped and screamed as Saul (his thieving behaviour and hooky beak gave the game away as to his name) the Seagull swooped down on their ice-cream cones. One particularly obese child had a real meltdown,screaming,tears running down his face…as did I watching him. Fucking near choked on my pint, I was laughing that hard.
    I’d introduce seagulls to inner-city school premises. A few seagulls swooping down on the fat little Fucks will encourage running and discourage them from stuffing their gaping maws in public.

    Fuck them.

    • Had a similar hilarious experience recently in Weymouth Dick. Watched some fat little runt scream his bloated chops off after a fuckng huge seagull swooped down and nicked his ice cream. The even fatter dad tried to be the hard man and chase the seagull whilst swearing at it then started swearing at me for laughing at the cunt. “Do you think that’s fucking funny mate?” Couldn’t answer as I had half a pint of ale and snot coming out my nose as the time

    • Quite right, I very much enjoy a beer from the safety of my verandah whilst the noisy school children in my area are mugged by gulls, swooped by Maggie’s, rained upon with gumnuts by black parrots and their parents land yachts carpet bombed by Corellas after ravaging a fig tree.

    • May I suggest some takeaway leftovers and liberal dose of liquid laxatives for the seagulls. Sit back and watch the shitfest.

    • I also like seagulls Dick, but only the sound of them when nearing the seaside. Reminds me of my schooldays and going on holiday.

      Remember two similar incidents- one when my father had his ice cream stolen by a seagull (how we all laughed), and my son in a pushchair had his sandwich stolen by a peacock. Again, how we all laughed, including my son. He was only about two at the time but remembers it well.

      Regarding young children crying, happened to venture into a local supermarket only this week.

      Two separate instances of young children shouting/crying/touch of the screaming abdabs for no apparent reason. This behaviour really gets on my bloody tits, especially when the parent does fuck all to shut them up and carries on with what they were doing. It is totally unacceptable behaviour and must be quelled immediately. Children should be seen an not heard (until they have something worth listening to).

      When they eventually get round to it as per usual the daft as fuck parent was trying to console the child, and asking what the matter was. Diddums. The unruly little fuckers probably thought that by causing a tantrum in the sweeties aisle mummy or daddy would fetch them something.

      This contrasts hugely to when I was a child. If I ever cried for no reason my father would tell me to shut up, or he would give me something to cry about. And both he and I knew that he would. Think it was called a thick ear.

      This method of parenting worked with me, and because of this used a similar method with my son. Worked remarkably well as he only did it the once.

      Modern parenting these days is on the whole simply just not good enough.

  6. When he was in the Navy, my mate used to have loads of fun chucking lumps of bread filled with bicarbonate of soda. He said their guts would explode and they’d drop into the sea.

  8. We get a lot of them where I’m at university. Nasty little things. If I had a rifle I’d go around and systematically shoot every single one I’d find.

    • Top tip . . . . . Don’t go wandering around a university campus with any type of firearm. You may not live to regret it.
      Good morning.

      • Endorsed. Cunt to even consider it, nothing personal. The treehuggers would tear you apart before the armed response squad put their tea down.

      • It was a joke. Obviously I wouldn’t actually so it because in today’s society that would be retarded (although I’m sure I could find a way to get away with poisoning them 😀)

  9. Much unlike the polite native land-rat pigeon that avoids physical altercation with pedestrian feet and patiently waits in line for food morsels.

    What I want to know is why these flying landcunts are often seen in urban areas miles from the sea. You’ve got millions of square miles of salty nonsense to flap around in, but you choose to line up on street lights in inner city Birmingham?

  11. I find the use of guns and bows rather uncalled for to deal with these creatures, often on a weekend a quick drive to the coast and throw bread for them while on the wing, hundreds show up. Then start dipping the bread in combustion fluid available at all good plumbers , as the birds gain height BOOM 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 puts a a hour in or so

  12. For anyone who’s interested, Nigel Farage will be broadcasting from 10am on LBC (freeview TV channel 732, or digital radio), presumably setting out his stall re what the fuck he’s going to do about Brino.

  13. Nasty, beady-eyed, disease-ridden cunts that invade our sceptred isle, their continual cawing disturbing the ambience and their truculent, appropriating behaviour ruining the peace. I wish they’d all cease living so I could watch maggots plough their their horrid cadavers.

    However, seagulls are alright.

  14. Fuck all wrong with seagulls. The problem is people littering and feeding them. They are enterprising and adaptable animals. They are only rogue where people pollute.
    We get a lot here, they follow the plough and take flying ants above the woods on humid evenings. They do not attack because we don’t feed them and there is not the huge amount of litter you see where they are a problem.
    People are cunts. Birds are birds. Cats are vermin.

  16. Yes, if they get the chance, they steal from you and shit all over you. So apart from having wings, they’re exactly like people.

  17. Herbert von Karajan always believed he’d be reincarnated as a condor, or something similar.

    I think he was somehow downgraded to seagull-status.

    • His Beethoven tempi were too fast for me. Klemperer must have returned as an imperial eagle, though.

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