Fat cow

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If you have ever had the misfortune of travelling on the Tube during rush hour you will have met Fat Cow. She is on every train and at every station.

Most people, as their train arrives at their destination already have their ticket/pass in their hand but not Fat Cow. FC waits until she is at the ticket barrier before she starts rooting around in her cavernous bag. Naturally she has an arse the size of the Hoover Dam and always chooses one of the middle barriers in order to cause the maximum disruption. Within seconds hundreds of people are backed up, trying to get around her massive frame, bumping into people trying to get through the other barriers.

People have got work to get to, buses to catch but does Fat Cow care? Like fuck she does. Ah, there’s my purse, now which pocket did I put my ticket in?

Fat cow is at every station and, no matter how quickly you run up the stairs the bitch always gets there before you. Fuck knows how but she does ,that’s all I know.

I want this fat, stupid, self centred, socially unaware , thick as shit porker taken out and shot!!
Total cunt!

Nominated by Freddie the Frog

64 thoughts on “Fat cow”

  1. I must protest at Admin’s unauthorised use of a picture of Mrs Cuntbubble. We don’t live or ever go to London.

    • It is always the case that Fat Cow also has the biggest mobile phone (usually in a girly mother of pearl pink case) and the biggest gob to yell into it in a sort of Janet Street-Porter baritone “I’m on the train!…..Nah, Nah, Yeah, absolutely,exactly, fuck me!”. To which I always feel like replying, not today thank you. She also seems to splash Sanilav all over, probably some cheap chav deoderant that makes her smell as bad as she looks. I am sure Mrs Cuntbubble doesn’t look quite as bad as Mrs. DeVere. To be fair, neither does Mrs. Boggs – she looks like a cross between Ken Dodd and Eddie Izzard

  2. Couldn’t agree more, Frederick…Another FC ‘Classic’ is when one (sometimes with a Maccy Dees chewing brat in a massive pushchair in tow) galumphs around a small but decent and reputable shop (like the ones in Bury or Prestwich) and the walrus in drag will moan to the staff ‘These shops aren’t big enough!’ Seriously, I have seen this happen… Fat cow (who is about as feminine as Giant Haystacks) actually complaining to shop staff because their premises don’t cater for the vastness of their fat arse and their tank sized pushchair… I genuinely do feel sorry for Blighty’s retail staff these days… What with on the make Parking Stan Lees (Me no speaky Enger-lish! I give you one pound!), act like they own the place ex-iron curtain euromuck, bogo-bogos (who have a strange habit of nicking only one shoe)… And, on top of all those cunts, it’s also ‘Oh Lordy! It’s The Fat Slags!’ Terrible times…

  3. Offski topic, this… But the same people who wanted LVG out for not “playing the United way” now want to get behind Mourinho for doing the same thing… How exactly does that fucking work?…

    • It’s a bit like saying ‘Oh we hated Frank O’ Farrell, but we love Dave Sexton’…. But, of course, most of the mongs who now support (or ‘follow’ on Twatter) Man United these days won’t even know who either of those two gentlemen are….

      • I try to feel your pain Norm but I can’t. Bottom of the Championship and Liverpool are top of the league.

        I wasn’t born last time ITFC were in the third division.

      • Was never sure of Jose at United Norman, I think the cunt has lost it since that whole affair at Chelsea last time round. Publicly criticising players is gonna help you lose the dressing room. Doesn’t seem to want to give the young lads like Rashford much of a game.
        As for Donkeykaku… The less said about that useless pile of cunt the better.

      • I think United need a long term plan and get a manager (unlike Jose ‘still in a hotel’ Mourinho) and back him long term. Obviously after Fergie left people still want silverware so in Mourinho they are trying to get some success but I think you lot would better with someone like Pochetino who could build again.

      • Lukaku was good last season and did well at the World Cup. Maybe like Harry Kane usually does he’s just having a bit of a sluggish start.

      • Lukaku misses sitters that Helen Keller could put away, and his touch is crap… Players like Cantona, Hughes, Muhren, and Berbatov (yes, him) had more talent and skill in their arses….. Would Ruud Van Nistelrooy or 2013 vintage Robin Van Persie had fluffed those chances against Spurs? Would they fuck (and especially not Ruud)… And don’t get me started on Phil ‘The Cunt’ Jones… When I saw Appeaser May’s spazzy robot dancing the other day it reminded me of Phil Jones jockying for position as a Tottenham corner came in…

      • I thought Lukaku looked decent in the WC. Completely different player to the usual huff-puff-lame-effort-sitter-missing cunt that usually calls itself Lukaku.

        To be fair, I thought Utd played OK on Monday. I agreed with The Sour One that they should have been 2 up at HT. Spurs did OK in the second half and were fortunate to capitalise on some basic defensive errors. You think Jones is bad – take a look at that arse clown Smalling. He plays like he’s never heard of football before.

        Still, I hope Utd improve and make the top of the league fun and competitive. I also hope all the Scouse Murderers entire squad dies of monkey pox.

      • That 0-3 victory has been a long time coming though. That’s payback for the abortion of a decision not to award Pedro Mendes a goal at OT in 2005 when Roy fucking Carroll scooped the ball back over the goal line from about 5 feet back. Utter earth shattering industrial strength cunt. Why was he not banned/fined for unsportsmanlike conduct, the cheating bastard? Hope he’s got AIDS now.

    • You know what would ruin my fucking year / decade /century Norman? The bin dippers win the prem and Leeds get promoted. Hate is a strong word I reserve for blambos and ex wives but I have always had a deep hatred of Leeds fans. Zidane to United Norm? JM is going to win fuck all with that team, apart from one or two, literally, its the worst United side since KrugerRon Atkinson bought Peter Barnes and Alan Brazil.

      • Not forgetting those cunts, Colin and Terry Gibson and Peter Davenport… Barnes was good at Maine Road, but he was knackered when he came to United… I didn’t understand Ron at times… Why sell an ace player like Arnold Muhren and get Peter Barnes?! And Alan Brazil? My most hated ever ex-United player (and that includes Slippery Jim Leighton and Willie ‘Poundland Georgie Best’ Morgan)… Don’t know if ZZ Top would take the managers job though, cunto… I reckon Zinedine would look at Jones, Smalling, Darmian, Lukaku and think ‘Fuck that’ and I wouldn’t blame him… Also the prospect of working with Ed ‘Dead’ Woodward and those Glazer cunts won’t be relished either… And Leeds fans are cunts, not a truer word spoken (or is it written?)….

      • With you all the way Norman. Even Zidane couldn’t make a silk purse out of the sows ears at United right now. Burnley away and a hiding might see the end of JM though. Then the dilemma – to be replaced by who? I suppose we could roll back the years and go from Big Ron to Big Sam 😉 Its not a crisis yet but that’s only due to the new shirt selling like hot cakes to the slopes and Asians – I am not confident of United pulling out of this nosedive though. Neville and Scholesy anyone??

      • Even in the dark days of Ron’s United demise and even when we were relegated in 74 we still had players like Buchan, Sammy Mac, Macari, Big Jim Holton, Robbo, Strachan, Remi, Whiteside, and McGrath… Now? There’s only one of the current shower who I want to stay, David De Gea…. The rest (including Paul ‘Twitter’ Pogba) can fuck off…

      • You know, I’ve never got the whole Leeds thing. Maybe it’s just a generational thing – after all, the last time they were actually competitive was when I was too young to remember it.

      • Oh United and Leeds was bad, it was very bad… In fact it was fierce… That subway bridge near Elland Road? Fuck me… They weren’t too pleased when we took Jordan and McQueen (and, of course, King Eric) either… Still, never mind, eh?….

  4. The following hasn’t been substantiated and is just a rumour:

    Corbyn and Diane The JAbbot were apparently watching a tv programme about the 60s, fashion and skirts et al.

    JAbbot: I’d like to buy myself a mini.
    Corbyn: You’re joking! You’ll never get your fat arse in a mini.
    JAbbot: You cheeky bastard, I was talking about the car!
    Corbyn: Yes, so was I!

  5. Wife comes clumping downstairs, does a twirl whilst announcing that she has already lost 1kg in weight with dieting. Then she asks “do you notice any difference?” Hubby asks, “if I tore one page out of a telephone directory would you notice the difference?” I’ll get my coat. 😉

  6. My missus came stumbling into the kitchen and slumped to the floor after a night out with the girls.
    She looked up and said, “I wanna get dirty tonight, I wanna do something I’d never normally do.”

    I said “Look at yourself, drunk as fuck. You’re in no fit state to clean the oven….

  7. Fuck off Freddie!

    I know for a fact that Adele uses private transport to get around Lahhhhnndan Tarn!

      • Ah, Adele… The fat cow of all fat cows… The fat slag made good (though it’s actually bad)… The Patron Saint of Fat Cows… Those clueless cunts (ie: other rich celebricunts, media twats, and rich snowflakes) who think Adele is some sort of ‘card’ and ‘character’… Wrong… Adele is a class-free chavslag who has got lucky…. Dragged up and about as much charm as a turd in a heatwave… Anyone else see Adele cracking on she was ‘Working Clarse’ by burping in some fan’s face onstage and bragging about eating a (yet another) ‘dirty burger’?… Fucking tuneless and repulsive fat cow of a cunt….

  8. Excellent cunting sir. Fat Cow is extremely high up on my list of things that need a bullet. The worst has to be when they sit next to you, you have to wonder whether their fatness is some sort of mental illness, like some sort of Shallow Hal type scenario … as if that giant thing (your left arse cheek) was ever in a month of Sunday’s going to fit snugly on that seat (The size of a cornflakes box). The only medical problems you have are an underactive brain and an overactive knife and fork.

  9. I sat next to a fat fucker on a long haul flight once. 12 hours in economy. When we got to Heathrow she asked if I could pass her bag from the locker. I pulled it out and nearly broke my fucking wrist with the weight. She must have had her dinner in it. Including karahi pots and chapati tins.

  10. Although not a frequent visitor to the local pound shop it does however have two things that I want , firstly dog poop bags and secondly those tidy biscuits you get with your coffee at hotels, last week it was surprisingly empty so I ducked in to fill my boots, standing at the till was a creature more arse than woman
    Who was trying to pay for her goods with mostly copper coins!! “ 2/4/6/8 oh look there’s a 5” she was being able assisted in her ridiculous pursuit by the dotard at the till , I watched this folly for a nanosecond then tried to pay the dotard with the correct money £5.00 no change required at this point the creature piped up “ she’s busy serving me” FFS! Ignorant Cunt!!! I dropped the cash on the counter and walked off with
    the two fuckers talking about my lack of patience? Cheeky pair of time wasting Cunts……
    😡😡

    • I went in one the other day, as I heard they had some electric shaver adaptors… When I went in it was like a chimps tea party in Romania, Albania, or one of them other eastern european shitholes… Cunts…

  11. FC also travels on the bus. She stands at the stop, phone in hand, logged into the TfL app tracking the progress of the bus.

    “It’s 40 seconds late” she tells no cunt in particular.
    “60 seconds now”.
    The bus appears on the horizon..”75 seconds” late she growls like she is Suckdick Khan and running the show.
    She gets on the bus, tells the driver he is late and ONLY THEN starts rummaging around in her huge bag to find her purse which contains her fucking Oyster card.
    Meanwhile a bunch of frustrated cunts , who have had their cards in their hand for the last ten minutes, are waiting impatiently behind her fat arse.
    Having touched her card to the reader does she go and sit down? Oh no, fuck off. She fucking stands there and reverses the whole process of purse, bag , card before shifting her arse out of the way.
    Of course, you could explain to the bitch that the fucking bus is late precisely because of selfish, self centred cunts like her but her brain is so small it might be damaged by the information overload.
    Ever wondered why Fat Cow always has a queue behind her at the cash point?

  12. There’s some morbidly obese yank bint got herself on the cover of Cosmopolitan apparently. A triumph for the plus size woman. Plus fucking size, are you kidding me? A repulsive fatberg you mean. I’m proud of my size she says. Proud! Proud of stuffing KFC down your gullet all day. The world’s mad.

    • Tess Holliday She is fuckin obscene. The cunts who own the magazine are deliberately putting impressionable young girls in grave danger by promoting this shit.

      • I reckon that Holliday tart should give her poor WC a well-deserved holiday and cut down on the comestibles.

        I bet that one goes with an almighty bang when she takes a shit.

      • You misunderstand the poor land whales – their metabolisms are different and nothing ever comes out of their arses. Doctors are baffled as to a cure, but have labelled the condition, ” Fecestorage”

        This is why they’re so huge – all they eat is retained – it’s not their fault!

  13. The last time I was in London ( twenty years ago ), it was clear to me that everyone was either clinically insane ,or a psychoactive substance had been released into the atmosphere .The tube being especially frenzied, seemed to be inhabited by two separate plagues of Lemmings, one lot going one way, the other lot going in the opposite direction, both seemingly hell bent on reaching some irresistible cliff edge as quickly as possible, running, jostling, shouting and generally acting like an out of control mob, in short, absolute madness.
    The sooner King Neptune decides to make London part of his watery domain the better.
    Madhouse.
    Good afternoon.

  14. Oh, and the beer was fucking expensive too, nearly three quid a pint !!!
    Fuck off.

    • £3 a pint? You can double that in the West End pubs.
      The tube is so overcrowded now it’s a frequent occurrence to close a station for ten minutes or so because there are too many people on the platform and it’s too dangerous.
      Getting Fat Cow out of the way would help but the real answer is to stop every cunt and his wife Waltzing into the cuntry in the first place.

      • I concur FTF, £6.50 for a pint of old wanktop in Camden last week. As for the crowded tubes, it’s not unusual to have to wait for the third one just to experience the pleasure of being crammed against a collection of smelly worldwide cunts. And the majority of the peacefuls and blambos really do make you gag with their ‘unique pong’.

  15. Anyone following Owen Jones and Andrew Neil’s latest twitter spat? Neil came out with some corkers yesterday

  16. Of course we’re not allowed to call anyone fat or obese these days.

    Moreover, these junk-food victims will bleat they have a “medical condition” to explain why they’re “not thin”, rather than being greedy little piggies constantly stuffing their faces with all kinds of crap while sitting on their fat arses playing computer games or moaning about how tough their lives are on social media.

    • Back in the ’80s they said it was rude to use the word ‘fat’, and that you should use the correct medical term ‘obese’ instead…

      You can’t fucking win!

      Anyway, virtually everyone I know still says fat regardless.

      • Not the 9 O’clock news had that classic skit about fatties starting a fat-pride group named “Stout”.

        Atkinson as a sympathetic but skinny cunt tries to join and when he’s rejected says “oh so now you have to be fat to be stout?”

  17. I have a neighbour who’s a blubber mountain. She went to Primark to try on some jeans, but had to be cut out….

    ….. of the cubicle.

  18. Every time you tell a fatty it’s calories in and calories out, how many fat Jap POWs did you see? How many fatties at Auschwitz? They bleat like fuck. Calories are different they say. It’s not that simple. My metabolic rate is special. Bollocks. Old gits like me get fat because I want to keep eating like a 20yr old but I don’t need it. Just stop fucking denying how much you get through. Now I’m not an ologist so I may be wrong but I don’t think so.

  19. Fat Cow (“Sow”, locally) in my town always has at least 3 bags of shit she calls groceries (snack cakes, powdered donuts, Fritos, Hot Pockets, etc.), or god forbid, a full hand cart she can barely move and sometimes has a bastard child or 3 in tow (lots of fertile ethnics here, too). She’s also usually on her fucking phone while she’s busy cunting up the lives of everyone around her – a multitasking savant!

  20. It’s also annoying when these fat cunts go on the defensive about their (non existent) diet; banging on about how expensive fruit & veg is, and yet continue with their binge eating at the local KFC, Maccy D’s or takeaway! Even a portion of fish & chips isn’t exactly cheap, yet you can bet your bottom dollar they’ll find the odd tenner in-between their sweaty arse crack to pay for it.

    • How much is a banana? 24p? Bag of satsumas from Asda, peanuts. I wouldn’t want to live on lentils but daals nice now and again. Rice, spaghetti for pennies from Lidl. Spuds, swede, parsnip, cabbage, the list of cheapish healthy stuff is endless. Get a few spices to cheer it up. Oh can’t do that they’re expensive. Veggie stew, curry, home made soup. It fucking boils my piss listening to middle class cunts saying the poor can’t afford decent food as they tuck into turbot, asparagus and heritage veg. I ain’t flush like many, but my mum taught me to cook as a kid. I worked with a woman in her 20s who happily said she didn’t know how to fry an egg.

      • 24p for a banana? They must have seen you coming mate. 10 – 15p max in our Sainsbury’s.

        Broccoli 55p (was 45p before Dominic Raab took over Brexit negotiations).

  21. That got me thinking Cuntflap,
    Never had the pleasure (if it is) of following a whale in trap 2 but I have often wondered at the size of some of the huger chutney lockers – is the size of the turds commensurate with the girths of their ring pieces? I don’t spend too long on the subject but when I see a whale size 22 or above it crosses my mind.
    I gaze in wonderment at the odd times I have caught the Jeremy Vile show and I see stick thin men declaring undying love for what resembles a pig in jeggings as I think they call them. How the fuck can you love or even tolerate watching the cunts eating without wanting to empty the contents of you belly over her large fish supper, curry sauce, fried pie and family pack of Mars bars. Never heard a blubber bird fart either. Unless they can conceal it within their folds until a more suitable time. One of those “fishermen’s farts” as we called them as kids. I remember seeing one of those TV specials about “My 600lb life” and the whales bloke / hubby was as thin as a fucking rake. When the subject of sex was raised the whale replied “He just empties his load into one of the tighter folds /creases of my body” – as he cant get anywhere near the minge – or as old sailors refer to fat birds and the fucking of them thus; “Bang them on the belly and ride in on the waves” 😉

    • I was once informed the way to find the right slot was to “roll ’em in flour and fuck the wet spots”.

  23. The thing that constantly gets me about fat cows is the sheer number of them that you see waddling about in those skin tight black leggings, or whatever they’re called. Every one of them looks like a fucking beached whale.
    I remember saying to the wife on one occasion, as one of these blimps roly-polyed by us, ‘why would you wear those things, which only emphasise the fact that you look like a sack of lard on legs?’. ‘One of the few things they can wear that’s comfortable and easy to get’, came the reply. Obvious when you think about it!

  24. Round Cardiff, the local blob-women (white chavs) seem to marry and wear dalek-rags, which cover up a lot of ugliness,, but sadly not the McCain’s oven-chips industrial fat injected complexions.
    Apologies for that clumsy portmanteau-clause at the end; must me my 1 / 16th inner kraut escaping.

  25. It used to be legal to ridicule fat cunts.
    There were a lot fewer fat cunts then.
    I think there may be a causal relationship there.

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