Flying Insects

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BzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz (while you’re in the garden) zzzzZZZZ

FUCK OFF! (swipe)

Now they fly next to your ear ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZ FUCK OFF!! Ow!

…

Whip! Get lost or it’s raid time BZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZZ whip! Hah got ya, fucking leave my dinner alone, tell your friends

…

(High pitched) zszszszszszszszsszszsz BASTARD (swipe), fuck off zszszszszszszszszszszszs (smash) great the fucking lamp zszszszszszszszszszsz TSSSSSSSCCCHHH taste some raid you bastard. Now I am going back to bed.

Nominated by Cunting Rank Wags

57 thoughts on “Flying Insects”

  1. Wasps – pointless, clueless angry little cunts that have no social worth or understanding. Nothing but a snowflake with wings in fact.

    • Still got the mark on my leg where some orange coloured wasp thing did for me… It felt like a shaving cut, but there was no blood… Found the vicious little cunt in the same room a few hours later… I took my shoe off and said ‘Sting this, you fucking cunt!’ and promptly splattered the little shit…

    • Pointless advice really, but…

      If you suspect you are in the presence of a horsefly, run for cover.
      I suffered three or four bites on the calf when living in Switzerland, the thing went up to about the size of a 5 litre beer keg, it oozed endlessly, and itched like fuck.

      For about two months. Misery.

  2. Flies are thick cunts.

    Wasps are aggressive cunts.

    But love the bees (to whom we owe so much) and the butterflies.

    • Moths are cunts though. Some look nice but for the most part the house ones are the butterfly’s ugly cousin.

  3. If you leave a layer of cooking oil (if you can rip some extra virgin olive oil off a millenial, it’s ace for this if nothing else) on the surface of any standing water in your vicinity, the larvae of the high-pitched ones cannot breathe at the surface and die before they can turn into mosquitoes and sneak into your bedroom of a hot night at 3 am. Also, if done surreptitiously, it can enrage the cunt next door with the swimming/paddling/ornamental pool, while releasing a not unpleasant aroma of salad.
    I have treated elsewhere of the lower-pitched varieties, for which an Executioner Pro is an entertaining final solution which also allows you to practise your volley shots.

    • Oh, and to reduce the wasp count, take a can of Raid into the garden in late April/May, and watch for the large queen wasps which are at this time looking for a nesting place. Novichok them as you see them, and also check outbuildings and attics for early signs of construction work, to be removed and the site thereof copiously sprayed also.

      But I still haven’t worked out where the fucking hornet’s coming from.

    • Had the Executioner on previous seasons. Now onto the Elucto. Both good for the job. Ironically, the child of mine that most enjoys zapping bugs is called Buzz.

  4. Flies and wasps are cunts. Spoiling your valuable pub time after a long day at work. Ruining your scran and buzzing about being tossers when you’re watching the telly. Aggressive irritating bastards.

  5. Oh Fuck, CRW. I got your back on this.
    Do you Motherfuckers get Amazon in the UK?
    If so, then google Elucto. It’s an electrified tennis racket, basically. For zapping the flying fuckers.
    I’ve got this Electro cunt sitting within reach because it has been pissing me the fuck orf,for days, that every flying, cunting insect in the neighbourhood hunts me down and buzzes me, in the one single motherfucking corner of my home that is my office. And there’s no fucking food, even here for them to poach. Cunts just like to diddle with my head. There’s six stinking, fucking smelly bogs (toilets) in our oversized California house and do they hang out there? No! The flying Fuckers just want to keep me company.
    Makes me want to drink a little. But it’s hot out so that’s not a bad thing.
    Google Electro.

  6. I remember when Warble flies were relatively common. The larvae used to burrow up under the beast’s hide,from it’s leg all the way up to it’s spine. You’d find a bleb on their back with a little hole in it. If you squeezed it,the maggot which was about an inch long would come popping out. Horrible things they were,but relatively rare now,apart from wild deer,which still suffer from them,apparently.
    The clegs,or horse-flies,have been bad this year. I got bitten a couple of years ago on the eyelid. Swelled up so much I could hardly see out of it. Itched like fuck and weeping pus it was.
    Although not a flying insect,the nastiest I had was a sheep-tick that attached itself to my ball-bag. It must have been there a while because by the time I noticed it,while I was in the bath, it was just about at full capacity. I often take them off the dogs who tend to get them around the eyes and ears,so I did the same with mine. You could still see it waving it’s little black tentacles that it uses to anchor itself when I got it out. You mustn’t just pull them out,or the head remains in and festers.I think I must have caught it while helping with the dipping.

    Fuck them.

    • I dread to think what you were doing to get a sheep tick on your knackers. Not Welsh are you Dick?

    • Christ, warbles are horrible. Long ago worked briefly as a gamekeeper and every so often had to skin a beast which seemed to have been specially attractive to the cunts – rows and rows of maggots embedded in the flesh, looking at you. Clegs, yes, come in three sizes and are very good at landing on you without being felt or spotted. Also if you smack them, they fall off, uncrushed, get their breath and come back. They can bite through shirts too.
      Volumes have been written on the Highland midge (though they’re not fussy, I’ve been attacked in Northumberland) and standing in a shimmering cloud of the cunts on a windless humid day planting forestry trees is an experience not to be undergone.
      Anyone living near fields will have met the corn louse*. Despite its name, winged, but like its name, bites. Occurs in swarms of little pinpricks whose inflictor you can only just see.

      And chiggers…the list is endless…

      *Scots. Don’t know what they’re called south of the line, but they’re here too.

      • The midges make some jobs impossible. I was out early spraying bracken the other morning, but as soon as the morning mist started to lift, I just had to pack in. Eaten alive by the little bastards.

      • Aye, they keep saying that it’s going to be stopped so I’ve bought 20 gallons. I normally try to do 4-5 hectares a season,just to keep pace,but I’ve got a big gully and some crags to do this year. The grant people want to plant it and try and reintroduce black grouse.

      • It’s the only thing I know of that works where cutting is impossible. EU cunts! Good luck with the black grouse, anyway.

  7. Cannot agree with this cunting as today I am identifying as a man/bee hybrid . It’s my human right.
    Bzzzz bzzzz bzz (good afternoon )

  8. Oh thanks for the laugh Dick. And thanks Cuntstable for the inference of sheepfuckery. Reminds me of the old joke. Where’s the best place to fuck a sheep:
    Answer: Up against a cliff so it bunts back.

  9. One of our cats is pteronarcophobic.

    Straight up!

    Besides, flies are really dumb. Thicker than the SNP and Labour front benches combined. Throw a window open wide to let them out and STILL they boil your piss banging against the closed ones, fucking bastard cunts!!

    I’m sorry, but I take no guff when it comes to flies.

  10. While my mother-in-law was having a snooze on a sun bed in the garden, a mosquito landed on her face.
    Easiest decision of my life….

  11. I got a dog that eats the cunts. He looks like a joke and I love him dearly. A rescue Dog. Good little bugger. A Chiweenie. Part Chihuahua and part Dachshund. Otherwise known as a Mexican Sausage Dog.
    No cunt gets within 50 ft of the ‘compound’ without us knowing about it. Have a team of Mexican gardeners turning up every Saturday, and every Saturday without fail, he acts like we’re being robbed. Yaps like anything. Housekeeper who’s like my second Mom, comes in daily, gets the once over. Every single time a coconut.
    So if we are actually ever robbed, we will have fair warning. And he can pinch a fly out of the air up to four feet. Good cunt.
    I’m a lucky cunt as I go to bed with a warm body beside me and a dog at me feet. A dog that will eat those flying fucking midges.

  12. Flies are among the worst. Wherever you go they seem to constantly buzz around you and never leave you alone.

  13. Perfect midges and fruit flies trap… Saucer full of vinegar (preferably cider apple vinegar), a pinch of sugar, and a teaspoon of washing up liquid… The little cunts can’t resist it and they drown to death in droves….

    Also one summer I once found the wheelie bin was full of maggots… So I tipped the cunt up, got all the fuckers out, and then left them in the open on the driveway overnight… The birds and bats scoffed the lot….

  14. Midges and horseflies are the pits, one attack you by the million, the others are sly nasty fuckers.

    Ants are cunts too. The whole world is one giant ants nest, with a thin crust over it. Boiling water pisses them right off if you can be arsed.

    • The hedge sparrows which, reasonably enough, live in my hedge are very happy to demolish the ants which live underneath it and which invaded the house (place stunk of Raid for weeks) before the birds cottoned on. Blackbirds like them too. Problem solved. Next problem, the neighbours’ cats, which like hedge sparrows. Solution: catapult and ballbearings. It’s one long ceaseless struggle here.

      • Re Cats:
        Water spouter for the front garden. 0.22 rifle for the back. We back onto woods so no fucker can see me dispose of the evidence.
        I love my wild birds.

      • Different problem- we have an infestation of immigrants where we are Cunstable.

        Any ideas?

      • You lucky, lucky cunt. Though I have myself murdered more than one in more rural surroundings than I presently occupy, I’d never get away with that where I am now. The catapult is not an accurate weapon, but deterrence is something.
        I believe cats love the taste of antifreeze, and subsequently die of it. The thought haunts me…

      • Here here.

        I’m lucky to see Green Woodpeckers, many types of Finch and Blue, Long Tail and Great Tiits.

        The bloody local fuckin cat massacred my Robin and Blackbird nests this year, but the Larsen Trap is proving irresistible to thieving Magpies and their offspring.

  16. Talking of bloodsuckers…

    https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/6854094/multi-millionaire-tony-blair-gives-lecture-on-poverty-claiming-todays-politicians-should-take-a-leaf-out-of-his-book/

    Now if he hadn’t cut and run for the magic money grove two years early, just in time for the crash, he might have been able to do something about that. Other than ensuring declining wages. On second thoughts, probably not.

    Tony’s an expert on what the government ought to do…now

    • If all politicos took a leaf out of B Liar’s book, there wouldn’t be any money left for anyone else.

      What a grasping, sef-deluded, self-parody this cockwomble is.
      I desperately want to see him, his fugly old bat of a wife, his kids, Mandelbumfiddler, Campbellend and all associated cronies go feet first into a very slow but sharp industrial macerator.

      I would add “May the Lord have mercy upon their souls”, but they haven’t got any. Have been sucked out by the Arch-Dementor Sorearse.

  17. Had an evening fishing session yesterday,tiny thunderbugs from the fields drove me up the wall,and one annoying wasp that kept buzzing round my luncheon meat( carp bait),got me some tea tree oil for next time.

  18. Leave our Wasp friends alone…

    As you all know, Bees make honey and jam, but Wasps make Marmite.

    ….Not a lot of people know that………. well that’s what I told a bunch of young snowflakes at my last company, and I think half of them believed me.

  19. I remember some years ago my brother got stung by a wasp. Now, given his pretty severe autism (and yes, it’s a real thing and not just a bullshit excuse naughty kids use for their behaviour) he’s usually undersensitive to pain but he certainly felt the pain of that little fucker stinging him. Was so bad the part of the lip where he was stung became bigger than one of those old metal Geomex balls. Nasty little cunts wasps – the only flying insect to outcunt the fly.

    • Feel for your brother OC expect it hurt terribly and I know what you mean about Autism. My wife works with six adults who have severe Autism and these silly cunt snowflakes who say my little Jemima or Jeremy has autism when in fact they are just playing up little fucks would really freak if they had to deal with real Autism. Non verbal, seizures, super OCD, etc. And some of her people had a normal childhood then something triggered it and now it’s like they are trapped.
      She loves her job and when she gets them to do something they love and are happy it makes her smile.
      Know it’s tough but what you are doing for your brother is amazing.

      • Trust me, anyone who really has autism who has the mental capacity to be able to hate the cunts who use it as an excuse does so. Thankfully those people still seem to be a minority even amongst autistics.

  20. Im one of the lucky feckers spent all working life surrounded by horse flies never bitten once, same with mossies only stung once by a wasp when i fecked their nest up with lighted deodrant flame .

  21. Believe it or not despite being little cunts wasps do actually pollinate plants.

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