I’d like to Cunt the current trend for death apparently making people into something that they quite obviously weren’t.
We have the current healthy crop of youth wiping each other out on the streets of London. The real disaster is that we are losing trainee architects,footballers,youth workers etc at an alarming rate,and every single one of them was an innocent who had never as much as been late returning a library book. Their mothers always appear to tell us just how innocent Jamal/Treyvon was of any wrongdoing and how he was a credit to his cummonitee.Never seem to hear from the father for some reason.
However, it’s not just trainee architects,rappers,and footballers who seem to get the slate wiped clean by croaking. I’m sick of hearing, when some contemporary of mine dies, how “canny” he was.Invariably he wasn’t. I actually stopped going to funeral services after hearing a description of the “dear departed” ,by a priest who’d never met him,that bore no relation to the miserable old bastard that I knew. If it wasn’t for his grabby relatives perched along the front pew like a flock of expectant vultures,I’d have thought that I was at the wrong funeral.
Death doesn’t change peoples’ past. Be honest about what Cunts they were. Luckily I’ll evade the diatribe that I’ve got coming my way by refusing to have any religion involved,and due to my general unpleasantness the fact that nobody is likely to come.
Fuck them.
Nominated by, Dick Fiddler
Sentimentality trumps everything (except Trump).
If there is ever a need to feel sorry for anyone about anything then nothing else matters and nothing bad may be said.
When someone dies there is a strict process to follow (reality and facts don’t actually matter). If you don’t follow the process for grief then there can be hell to pay. The process is as follows:
_Look upset
_Talk in a solemn and quiet voice
_Be on the lookout for anyone not following the protocol and be prepared to be aggressive to them in the name of goodness
_Spout platitudes at every available opportunity. “I’m sorry for your loss” is the most common, followed by “He/She/Ze/Zur/They (etc.) was a really good/bubbly/fun loving person”. This can also be supplemented by an anecdote of how they elicited happiness, or did something slightly poignant.
_Try to not actually have a conversation about them if you can help it, but don’t let anyone know that’s what you are doing.
_If they were the victim of a perceived injustice be prepared to “launch” a charity in their name to make yourself feel better, I mean “raise awareness” of whatever fate befell them.
_Wait until after the sports news on BBC Breakfast to see what Dan and Lou inevitably and depressingly have to say about it (if they were famous enough to justify it or it appeared in the Guardian).
_Buy some flowers (if you can’t be bothered to think about it) or a cuddly toy (if you want to pretend you can be bothered to think about it) and attach it to some railings.
_Get one of your children to shout aggressively on national television appearing to denounce the cause of death (no matter who’s fault it actually was).
_After the fuss is over hold in your attention seeking urges until the next opportunity to use someone’s death to feel worthwhile and a part of something
However if you don’t want to do any of that you could just be honest with yourself, but for fucks sake don’t tell anyone.
11
Good nom, DF. I always chuckle when the latest ironed out aspiring architect is described as a good boy that was never in any trouble and then in the next sentence it’ll go on to say ‘whose street name was Mac 10’, or some such nonsense.
I’m starting to think aspiring architect must be one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.
22
Dick Fiddler – a man after my own heart.
(Don’t mean that in a Gay way, btw.)
8
The achievement of an NVQ in mud hut building, or a degree in environmental studies ( being careful where you shit ) is a desperately needed qualification in the glorious army of sandwallah’s and Tarboilers who are rushing to our shores in their desperate effort to save us from ourselves.
The unfortunate toll of premature deaths surely robs us of a future utopia. Oh how I shall miss the ball clutching swagger knackers, and how I shall cream at the thought of more to come !
9
I’ve listened to eulogies and thought I must be at the wrong funeral, either that or the cunt reading clearly didn’t know the cunt in the box.
Fair enough, at such a moment you can’t slag the cunt off, but don’t build him up to sainthood.
Also can’t quite get the rotting corpse/religious connection.
If it’s all so ‘spiritual’ leave the body at the morgue.
Then again I’m an atheist, so for me it’s no gods and strictly non-prophet….
9
There’s a football website I visit where whenever a sleb turns up his/her toes there’s one cunt who starts up an RIP thread and spouts some bollocks about what an influence the dead cunt had on his childhood blah blah , wasn’t he great blah blah. Sometimes it would be some cunt nobody has ever heard of who played bass with some 60’s band nobody has ever heard of. There then follows between 15 and 50 cunts, depending on the fame of the corpse , echoing this nauseating bollocks or simply writing RIP. Then, and this really winds me up, the OP cunt changes his avatar to a picture of the deceased and keeps it there until the next dead sleb turns up and he can start his fawning virtue signalling all over again.
Anyway, a couple of times I posted a piss take saying things like….”exactly how many times have you met George Michael?” etc. etc. This elicited a furious mass response from these grief jackers as if I had just pissed on their mother’s coffin. I got warnings from admin about my “insensitivity “ so I was a good boy for a while and left them alone.
Then, if you remember, about 6 months ago, that old cunt Leon from Gogglebox snuffed it. The griefjacker in chief turned up with his usual arselicking eulogy. I went apeshit and slagged off the wanker calling him a “dirty Blairite remoaner traitor” and pointing out that he treated his wife like a piece of shit and needed a fucking slap. Fuck me, the griefjackers exploded, my post was deleted and they fucking banned me the cunts. Soppy bunch of fucking snowflakes. That’s the third website i’ve been banned from. I’m beginning to think i might be a bit of a cunt.
16
You’re not alone in rejoicing over the death of that prick Leon. I’m also glad he’s dead and made that known to my idiot wife. Apparently, I’m an “insensitive wanker”.
8
Wasn’t it rather insensitive of them to draw attention to your insensitivity, Freddie?
7
Bang on Mr K. You can’t find a safe space anywhere these days.
3
Who the fuck is (was) Leon?
3
Fuck knows.
But he’s dead now by all accounts…
Was he in the dead pool?
2
He was a boring, miserable old git on Gogglebox.
3
Dont really give a fuck what anyone thinks about me, or what I say or do.
After nearly 60 years on the planet feel I am best judged to make my own decisions. Have tried to be decent, honest and fair to those that I have met along life’s path.
Having said this will not be at all surprised if nobody turns up for my send off, and frankly if I am no more don’t really give a toss.
8
Excellent cunting. It pisses me off no end.
One day I hope to see/here somebody, possibly a mother, say “Well he was a shitty useless cunt and I am fucking glad he is dead.
8
Blair’s mother is no longer with us unfortunately. (Blair was in Ethiopia yesterday, aboard an Egyptian oligarch’s private jet, btw)
4
Shame Cheroot didn’t cark…
One less Human Rights lawyer…
2
Agree about the permanently canonised dead, and what’s worse is the cunts who cash in on it… We all have our opinions on Lady Di, but that odious fat cunt. Paul Burrell, has milked her name and his association with the attention sucking Sloane Ranger for two decades now… Same goes for that complete ballsack, Brendan Cox… He makes Juan Peron look like a novice when it comes to cashing in on his dead wife…. Also -according to snowflake Twitterfannies – people can’t criticise Cox for his philandering and harassment because ‘his wife died’… The mind fucking boggles… So the cunt fucking and groping behind his old lady’s back is all forgiven and forgotten because ‘she’ has passed on?! As Tony Newley (and Ian Brown) sang, Stop the World! I’m getting off!
7
And I’d like to cunt the meejah for buggering up my already shaky grasp of what month we’re in…
“Slebs we have lost in 2018”
JC on a feckin pair of roller-skates, December already ? Odd, no Father Christmas living statues in Queen St…..
Sod me, they were rolling this CRAPOLA out in April.
Cuuuuunts. Fuck them. Kick them in the cunt.
2
And Sid Vicious? Fuck me! This stupid get is seen as some sort of legend and great figure… So the social media mongs and music press media cunts would have you believe anyway… Nothing about a very unpleasant and nasty smackhead, who viciously maimed and assaulted people, had no talent whatsoever, and who more than likely killed his equally dreadful girlfriend…. Amazing what these journo cunts allow these punk cunts to get away with… Siouxsie Sioux and her swasitkas on both arms for a whole year (and her ‘Too many Jews’ lyrics), Chrissie Hynde (cunt) and her Moors Murderers band (and their ‘Free Hindley’ single), Vicious and his cunts beating up Bob Harris and nearly killing Nick Kent with a bicycle chain etc…. Fucking cunts…
5
But Sioux and Hynde aren’t dead yet… Ah well… One out of three ain’t bad, as Mr Loaf sort of used to say….
4
Captain Sensible / The Damned’s take on John Lennon – “Would you be so hot if you weren’t dead ?” from Grave Disorder.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31txbgxLhso
2
Why is it always the aspiring architect?
Why not try to be a bit more truthful and say that the lad was clearly in training for a career as a Pharmacist as he spent a lot of time selling drugs?
Cunts.
3
Peddling Rennies.
As my Da always said, “Two Rennies, a bang and a smell…”
1
A cunt who dies is a dead cunt. End of story.
2
I especially can’t stand political obits. When Mrs Mills (Tessa “Remortgage” Jowell) died a few weeks ago that arch fucker Tony Blair described her as *wise*. Was she wise to keep accepting gifts from that bent old cunt Berlusconi?. Was she *wise* to keep signing those remortgage forms her husband shoved under her nose, without, apparently, ever enquiring what they were for, and whether they were Kosher. Was she wise to *leave* said hubby for a few weeks, only to recouple later but keep it quiet.
Mrs Mills isn’t the only one to receive such a hagiography, but she is the most recent. People on all sides of the house loved her, apparently. I wonder what they will say about motherfucker Blair when he is in the pine box – he was, after all, the People’s Princess. Mandy & Campbell will be the ones to listen out for – the poof and the piss artist.
1