The Cunt that gave me the Clap

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The Cunt that gave me the Clap

Swing back to the sixties – but did it ever? Certainly more characters around and Blighty still stood tall and proud if a trifle long haired. Summer of Love? That was 1967 and I was there but cannot be arsed to post any links. Embarrassing. Summer of Cunt. Moved in certain circles of a chemical nature and out of the remains of me mind recall a love fest that took place in a mews house in London somewhere near Harrods and Harvey Knicks. Little filly with eyes caked in black eye liner. Only defence me lud I was so stoned I shagged it.
Strange thing about a freshly shagged filly they do like to rabbit after. This filly just the same and while I kept dropping orf (as you do) Yours Truly got the life story in full. Daughter of an Italian Countess no less and a working girl. Proud of that and her career as a Groupie. Still active for “special sweet boys” and had just been fucked by Mick Jagger but she “No fuck Jaggaire when I with you”. Then she pulled out a package of pills from her sock (yes it was a full socks on shag) and lovingly offered YT two antibiotics “So you no get a syphilis”.
Fuck me and live the life. Next morning YT wakes up to the old itching horse prong and a terminal compulsion to piss. Down the Quack’s for the full Monty. Blood tests, wire probe up me dong (Christ that hurts), antibiotics by the shovel, never seen the old bastard so happy. Results come back, some Cairo pox or other, non specific (ie they don’t know what it is) and no specific cure. Keep taking the tablets and drink two litres of water a day for as long as. Good news is sufferers die with it rather than from it. Oh and no alcohol allowed old son. By the way who was your last partner? Mick Fucking Jaggaire.
Bastard Quack was right, over fifty years later and I still have my little love token from Mick (can I flog it on Ebay?). Like Jaggaire it returns from the dead for Stadium Performances only. Whenever YT gets run down, spot of flu, inflammation of me piles ect, it stages a comeback. Then I sod the Quack and drown it out with a bottle of single malt. A miserable time.
Schadenfreude. Not German techno but kraut for taking pleasure from the misery of others. The definition of a cunt. Hence me pleasure now at the decrepit state orf Jagger. Long lenses snap the ancient cunt wherever it goes or hides. Phizzog a ruin of classical proportions – old man’s ears, fading hair dye, skin wrinkled and creased like a bio-degraded condom. The last time I saw a cunt that decomposed it was on a mortuary slab being buggered by Jimmy Saville.
Tee fucking Hee.

Nominated by, Sir Limply Stoke

Admin note, Obviously “keep taking the pills and you will get over it” does not apply, Bad luck old man.

 

32 thoughts on “The Cunt that gave me the Clap”

  2. Jane Fonda was an absolutely fantastic piece of arse when she was younger.

    Anyone remember Barbarella?

    • Maybe Barbarella will be on BBC4 tonight, as Duran Duran are taking over the channel this weekend… Met three of them in Deansgate’s Living Room in 2004… Top lads, not flash, loved a pint or two, and not at all cunts… Mick Hucknall, however, in the same place a few months later was and is a gargantuan gaping cunt…

      • Have always thought Simon Le Bon was a major knob head however if he was one of the three you refer to, happy to give him the benefit of the doubt.

        Whilst I liked the music Simply Red produced, have never heard a good word said about Mick Hucknall. Male equivalent of a slag by all accounts.

      • Of course Mick Hucknall’s a slag, because he’s an ugly ginger cunt. If he wasn’t who he is, most of those birds wouldn’t give him a second look and he knows it.

      • Give me some credit please, I do realise his conquests were not as a result of his good looks!

  3. I happened to mention to a mate that I was a little concerned that maybe things between me and the wife, in the bedroom, had become a bit safe, maybe even boring.
    He said ” Maybe you should spice it up a bit.”

    “What do you suggest?” I asked.

    He said “Try a rough fuck, bend her over your kitchen table, slap her arse a few times, try pulling her hair, tell her what a filthy whore she is. Stuff like that.”

    I said “Blimey, I’m not sure she’d like that.”

    He said “What you on about…she fucking loves it”….

  4. I had a most interesting incident whilst defending the realm abroad,
    Turning up late at the fleshpots of Hanover I found that my favourite house of ill repute was closed, but a fucks a fuck and I was pissed so I went to one I would not normally go too.
    So all business went ahead a smooth financial transaction yet I seemed un able to finish the job, so after what I can only describe as a marathon shag cumulating in a hand job, I made my way back to my wagon to sleep it off.
    In the morning I was awoken by a rather nasty stinging of what is technically referred too as my bomb head, so much so I had to get the little chap out to see what the hell was going on.
    On inspection of my now shrunken/shrinking member it became apparent that at some time during my nocturnal activities some one had bought a belt sander to play on the old man, (not pretty), I retreated back to barracks.
    Unbeknown to myself and probably most of you, as you walk around your old man moves a bit, this became rather uncomfortable even on the shortest walk hunched double as if I was under fire (the most comfortable way to walk in this condition) I also became aware that on Monday morning I would be required to march around a square in a very brisk manner for no particular reason, so I made my way to the medical centre.
    I wont bore you further only to say that I ended up waving my todger in the face of a nice lady doctor who diagnosed a badly fitted coil to be the cause of the damage, she put upon me the importance of having my girlfriend/fiancé/wife/partner/other blokes wife to seek medical attention as well, as I was unable to tick any of those boxes I was subjected to an interrogation where I was then berated for my chosen method of genital stimulation (ladies of the night)
    All rather unpleasant I must say, but I got over it.

  5. Well, at least it wasn’t super aids.

    Antibiotic resistant strains of sti’s are beginning to emerge now. The summer of love fucked itself in the cornhole too much.

  6. Nothing worse than having a golfing umbrella inserted down the old japseye in one of the NHS walk-in centres. I had the dubious pleasure of this around 14 years ago when I hooked up with a girl who “couldn’t say no” (to anyone it would seem).

    Luckily they didn’t find anything up with me, but I was given a dose of precautionary antibiotics. It turns out she was carrying a penicillin resistant strain of gonorrhea, which wasn’t seen in this country at the time. As I was riding her sans condominium, I can only assume that my old Percy was extremely lucky not to have been treated to a dose of it.

    I can truly empathise with your plight, old chap. Nothing worse than suffering with an itchy bedflute.

  7. Jagger is a right dirty cunt… According to Keith Richards when Mick, Keef, and Brian Jones shared a crappy flat before they hit the big time Jagger came home one night and as Keef put it ‘Screwed Brian’s old lady’ while Brian was out trying to get the band a deal… Keef says that the animosity between Jones and Jagger started right then and Jagger fired the first shot… Mind you, they were all like rabbits in those days… Only Bill and Charlie out of the original Stones didn’t fuck that junkie faghag, Pallenberg….

    • Never understood the appeal of Pallenberg… Mouthy foreigner, more meat on a wishbone, teeth like a shark, and very shag happy…. Marianne Faithful was a lovely bit of crackling though, and Bianca Jagger circa 1971 was very doable…

  8. Talking of the 60’s I watched My Generation the other night , Micheal Caine’s film / documentary. That David Bailey was in it, he was a lucky cunt , fucked every good looking bird that stood in front of his trusty old Lieca. Talk about Labour of love .

    • And George Best was an expert swordsman at that time… That Danish bit he was briefly engaged to (Eva Haraldsted)… I recall Georgie saying about her ‘I suppose you could say I fell in love with a pair of knockers’…. A man of his time, a star….

  10. I can always tell it’s you, Limply; even before I see the nomination. Also, thanks to Willy for pointing out who she in the picture was. What a cracking bit of totty she was back in the day. Stone me.

  12. Oh thanks for the laugh fullas. Yeah I’m already telling my boys if they go sans precautions they can expect an umbrella up the two colonels and they can’t always guarantee it will go up the correct way, and if it does it’ll be the width of an umbrella handle.
    Had a boyfriend once who nicked off and fucked a transvestite during a Lions Tour in the ’90s. His excuse was that he thought it was female. I’m like : “When you figured it out, why the fuck didn’t you stop?” I remember going through months of stress being tested but nothing swam up the fishery thank God.

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