You know – the sort of “white goods” that have just one purpose in life, one simple task that they’ve been invented to perform. And yet the fuckers won’t.
Or they will, but with an unacceptable “twist” of their own sick invention.
What the fuck am I on about ?
Current example: My microwave is a fucking cunt. I put a mug, half milk, half water, in for 2 minutes, to make a cup of milky coffee, each morning about 11am. Once duly nuked, the mug handle is always around the fucking back, where I can’t get at it, without scalding my fucking digits. So next time, I start the 2 minutes with the handle round the back – Ha Ha – I’ll teach you to fuck with me, you cunt… Bing ! Fucking handle’s round the bastard back again, evil fucking bastard cunt of a thing.
Historic example: Back in the 90s, I bought myself, at enormous expense, a CD Burner for my Windows 98 PC (complete with flickering pilot light). It’s job was to burn computer files to a blank CD for me to post stuff to clients. A simple enough task – Not brain surgery, curing cancer, or ending third world debt. Just write a cunting CD like your manufacturers promised in their advert. Hell, No – With minutes to go before the postal deadline, it kept relentlessly churning out coffee coasters, right up until the moment it coughed out the last, with an on-screen “error” message – at which point my boot flew upwards and through the open tray.
In a fit of pique, I removed said CD Burner (£300 at the time) from the PC and lobbed out of the bedroom window. I left it lying in the garden for 2 days, contemplating the wisdom of it’s recalcitrant behaviour, before I took it up to the parking area and ran my car over it, back and forth, 4 times. I am not lying.
I will NOT allow inanimate objects to take the fucking piss. All manner of mobile phones, airbrushes, spinning reels, showers, pretty much anything that pisses me off WILL be destroyed, however ludicrously expensive, and I have never regretted it, or lost a moments sleep over my petulant and childish reactions.
Inanimate Objects -Do your fucking job, or suffer the consequences.
Eeeh, that’s better…
Rightly nominated by Cunt Reviled
My keurig coffee machine this morning was a absolute cunt but i’m not gonna smash it because i’m a cheap cunt who rather fix it then shell out another half a week’s paycheque for something that just needs a bit of tinkering with
6
Half cup of milk with coffee Cunt Reviled? Why so much milk and were you drinking instant coffee? instant coffee is gross as fuck m8
6
Sorry, TS – Guilty as charged on both counts. I’m a tea drinker by default but the kettle’s almost as big a cunt as the microwave – That filter effort in the spout keeps popping out but only when it’s just boiled, thus scalding my digits when trying to retrieve the fucking thing…
4
Great cunting, with which I wholeheartedly concur…
I seem to spend half my life swearing at inanimate objects.
10
Whenever I collide with furniture at home, I hit it or kick it and tell it to get out of my fucking way. It definitely makes me feel better.
8
Does the wife count ? She sits on her fucking arse all day.
Good morning .
11
Good morning Jack.
Suggest you throw your wife out of the bedroom window, leave lying in the garden for 2 days contemplating the wisdom of your action, before dragging her to the parking area and running your car over her, back and forth, 4 times minimum.
Hope that helps. All the best to you and yours.
10
This site is brilliant for practical solutions to everyday household problems. Thanks.
6
In that respect, a bit like “Good Arsekeeping”.
Thankfully, Ed. keeps the front cover clear of Plastic-Bumley, “Big Don” French and Judi Stench-Trench…
2
I have been known to destroy errant, inanimate objects with a club hammer in the similar vein to Basil Fawlty and his red Austin that failed to start.
Good cunting indeed. My daft mind genuinely believes that such objects play up just to spite you. Little cunts.
10
“My daft mind genuinely believes that such objects play up just to spite you. Little cunts.”
Yes, they fucking well do Squire and I’m delighted that I’m not alone in my quest to teach the cunts a fucking lesson !
5
Plus if I am working on something and cannot initially solve why it doesn’t work, only to later discover the small component within was the source of the problem, but duly eluded me for days, I will gleefully remove the faulty component and smash the fucker to bits. Devine retribution.
8
Plenty of people are also inanimate objects. As Ralph Fiennes days in In Bruges: “you’re an inanimate fucking object”.
7
*says my spelling is inanimate today as well.
5
CR:
“My microwave is a fucking cunt.”
One of the best sentences I’ve ever read on the internet. Thanks.
13
Whole heartedly agree with this excellent cunting, i have taken the time to fully destroy many fucking unreasonable objects who seem to go out of its way to make my life miserable. Personal hates of mine at the moment are the tumble dryer that insists on “counting down” before turning off (your not a fucking rocket) the washing machine that takes ten seconds between each button press to respond, um, am i a toaster, am i a gearbox? No just wash my clothes you cuuuuunnnnnttt!!!
Don’t get me started on cables getting knotted up, stop and gently spend an hour unravelling? No ive cut the fucker with kitchen scissors……
10
I hit my arm/hand/leg on a sharp/jutting/edge piece of my house at least once EVERY day, it’s only ever happened in this particular house and I hate the fucker.
7
Off topic, but…
Michelle Keegan’s trout lips on Andrew Marr Show look really unnatural and therefore highly irritating… as is her voice. Not sure, but I think she’s probably a cunt. Which is a pity, cos otherwise she is eminently fuckable.
Apologies for the interruption – outstanding cunting btw Mr Reviled!
7
Most of the good looking ones are cunts Ruff Tuff. Good for a bit of ‘how’s your father’ and not much else.
6
Right Jaynino – and with Michelle it’d be nothing a few inches of Duck Tape couldn’t sort.
4
Inanimate objects that cost a fortune but are unfit for purpose?
I though we just did HM Government…
11
Since we got a fridge magnet it has become almost impossible to get into our kitchen…..as we now have sixteen fridges….
13
Had to read that twice to get it. When I did I laughed my arse off. Classic JR. Nice one, sir!
5
My VW Golf 1.4TSI is a cunt, as are VW.
Problems with gearbox, timing chain, supercharger water pump, engine not to mention the usual brakes and tyres. Sure I have forgotten another major problem.
VW quoted me £4500 plus VAT for a new gearbox. Carcwirth mo more than £7k. Asked them as they sold us the car (one careful owner since new), that we do only about 7k per year and they do all the servicing whether they should contribute financially towards a well known problem as dealers have done in USA, Germany and in Australia.
Told me to fuck off. As have all owners who have cars with this problem in the U.K.
Subsequently (last week) our vehicle caused a major traffic accident on the A1 southbound when in the fast lane going up an incline overtaking 3 juggernauts the car engine suddenly cut out. Stppped rather suddenly, as did the three cars immediately behind us. Unfortunately the 5th car did not stop in time smashing into the 4th car, and pushing the 4th car into the back of the 3rd car.
Fortunately no one seriously injured and absolutely no damage to our vehicle or the one immediately behind. But have absolutely no confidence in the fucking piece of shite we are driving round it and once repaired will get shot of it as my conscience will not let me sell a potentially dangetous car to an unsuspecting buyer.
My second German car, and my second VW. Never again.
Cunts.
9
I wonder where the 4th Reich VW crooks got the idea they could operate like that and get away with it…?
6
My cock is largely inanimate these days….a cunting of my cock is required….please!
8
It’s nice the way that they know there is a fucking problem on one of their pieces of shit but keep on turning out the same product for years after.
You should consider returning it to them through the front wall of their showroom.
7
Add my laptop to that list. Four fucking times that thing has crashed because the cunts Argos send it to to get it repaired (I have it under warranty from there) use the cheapest fucking hardware possible to repair it.
5
Ive almost taken a cricket bat to telly more than a few times…
Usually when I accidentally stumble across question time on the beebistan.
Question time should come with a warning
“WARNING – This programme contains dangerous levels of cuntitude and watching it may cause the following side affects: an uncontrollable urge to smash your television, going on a killing spree, emigrating to the Antarctic, drinking bleach, starting a revolution, setting fire to everything and basically giving up on life in general.”
With the cunts we’ve seen lately, or at least since brexit, I’m surprised my tv has lasted as long as it has.
10
I stopped watching QT last year. There’s only so much indoctrination I can take before I feel like introducing the world to Mr Fist.
4
I’ve only watched it a few times and I was appalled by some on the cunts they had on there. Russel Brand being the worst. There was also an elderly lady who I didn’t recognise. Much to my horror I realised it was Eddie Iz Hard. Highlight was someone telling him or her to shut up.
4
Ha ha, reckon that was DTS in the audience!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jDiPAVPz1k4
3
If it was me it would’ve had the word “CUNT” shouted loudly at the end followed by a bottle of Stella being lobbed at the stage…
I fuckin loath izzard with a passion.
3
Eddie HealthHazard.
Should be parachuted into Aleppo, with a bright pink chute to alert the local peaceful welcome committee
3
I find speaking to them nicely often for computers and cars. If it doesn’t it will get a slap or in the case of my thick as mince washing machine, a darn good kicking. I don’t even know what the fucking thing is counting down. If I put it on a wash setting for 20mins, why the fuck does it take over four hours!!! That turd of an inanimate object is my arch nemisis. I count my lucky stars though as I know someone who has gone all high tech with the hive and robot machine that listens to you and does the opposite just to see what your boiling point is. I wouldn’t last half a day in the company of Alexa… Alexa is the biggest cunt I have ever had the misfortune to speak to. They should rename her bitchy mcbitch face.
7
Here is a guaranteed inanimate piss-boiler that I bet every cunt has experienced…
You go to the cashpoint. You sign in. Select “cash only”. It presents you with:
£10 – £40
£20 – £50
£30 – Other Amount
You select £50. First thing it asks: “Wanna check your balance beforehand? Just in case you’re a skint Jeremy Kyle fucker?” – no.
“Would you like a receipt with your transaction?” – no just give me my fucking money! I already said “cash only” you cunt!
And then you get the classic:
“I’m sorry this machine has no £10 notes. Please select a different amount in multiples of £20.”
ARRRRGGGHHH!!! WHY OFFER ME £10, £30 or £50 THEN YOU CUNT!
Also, why ask me to enter my multiple of £20s when you could just display the one or two options either side of my previously selected amount!?!
Worst of all this usually happens when there’s a blue-rinse biddy – waiting to check to see if her pension has gone in – behind you, who you can hear huffing and tutting and who looks at you with a mixture of utter contempt and sympathy for obviously being a bit slow as you walk away!
Fucking inanimate ATM cunts!
11
Just spent the last fucking hour writing a post and then accidentally hit the wrong button and lost it. I’m not doing it again! WHAT A CUNT!
8
Planned obsolescence.
Head cunts of industry and other assorted powerful wanklings came up with the genius idea of doing away with ‘built to last’ and traded away the honest business model for this garbage producing global factory we have now.
The only inanimate objects I’ve loved to own are those made out of wood and sturdy as hell. Simple, designed well and built by someone who knows their craft. Hate all this plasticunt shite.
5
Even basic food utensils for christ sake. A wooden laddle would last a lifetime but now we have wilkos selling chinese cunted plastic ones with handles that fall apart after 2 years of basic use. All so wilko can make a staggering £25 extra profit a year whilst an entire chinese village is decimated with toxic shite and fathers ground up in industrial machine accidents.
2
Wow! What a cracking nom. Maximum respect to Cunt Reviled for highlighting something that I thought only I got pissed off about.
But first some catching up on some recent cuntings I missed (been a bit busy):
Modern Football: Yeah, it’s now the ugly game due to having been ruined by money. Thanks a lot Sly Sports and the cunts who run the Premier League. If I could change just one thing about how the game is run, I’d abolish all direct advertising. So things like no shirt sponsors and no naming rights of stadiums. So Arsenil’s ground could go back to being called The Woolwich Library instead of The Emirates.
ABBA: Not cunts, but the hype around them is a bit cuntish. Let’s face it, although they weren’t cool when we were at school, we all rubbed one out thinking of Agnetha.
Generic Sports: Yeah, agreed. I like darts, but it’s a stretch to call it a sport. That said, I can’t think of another game or sport which requires such a high level of concentration, composure and accuracy. Gutted when Bristow died. He was my fave ever player. Arrogant, out spoken, over the top cocky but utterly brilliant.
Ever Good Dead: A decent cunting of the hypocrisy surrounding death. Ye olde saying of ‘never speak ill of the dead’ – fuck off. Say it like it is, but even ye olde saying is far from consistent. I mean, no one has a good thing to say about Hitler. But maybe the people who slag him off know he’s not dead? Discuss. 🙂
HM Government: As I’ve said before, anyone who actively wants to be a politician should immediately be disqualified from being one. On the basis that they already have delusions of grandeur and a power complex and those sorts of cunt should absolutely not be in any position of power or responsibility. Cunts.
And now onto this cunting. There are days when these inanimate objects seem to have an agenda which is simply anti-you. Back when I was at college (studying Computer Science) I had a dot matrix printer, Citizen 120D. I’d often have to print out long program listings and trusted this cunt to do it. If I sat and watched it print 20+ fanfold pages, no problem. If I left the room to do something else (dot matrix printers were slow and loud), this cunt would get jammed up somehow. The paper would mis-align, the printer ribbon would get creased, the print head would get clogged with ink, etc. It would take 20 odd minutes to correct this shit, sometimes rendering the ribbon cartridge useless when it knew you didn’t have a spare or fucking up your last batch of printer paper also when it knew you didn’t have any more. Print the same fucking thing again but watch it this time and it behaves like a little angel. Bastard cunt! I did eventually put it to death.
Sticking with the computer theme. Ever needed to plug a cable into the unseen back of a computer? You have the right cable, the right way up, you have it in line with the socket which admittedly you can’t see and try as you might, the fucking cable just won’t go in. So you use your fingers to feel the socket (ooo err), to hopefully get the alignment better and it still won’t go it. But take a quick glance at the socket and try again and hey presto, in it goes. Bastard!
You’re having a shit day and that door you’ve walked past hundreds of times previously decides to shove its door handle into your pocket and rip your fucking trousers. Why today? You complete cunt!
You’re in a bit of a rush for some reason and that zip decides to catch the nearby fabric rendering it unable to do up/undo. Or those shoe laces decide to knot when you need to quickly change footwear. Always when you’re short on time. Cunting fuck sticks!
The list is endless, but it does seem that sometimes inanimate objects are out to get you.
9
I always blame god. It has to be his cunting fault; whose else could it be?
2
Assume you’re referring to Bonio, yes?
Either way, God is all powerful so of course it’s his cunting fault – it’s a no brainer, innit.
1
It’s when inanimate objects become nonexistent objects, having disappeared through a hole in the space-time continuum, or, occasionally, a hole in a pocket, that really gets me swearing at God. Sometimes they disappear for ever – there is an alternate universe somewhere full of unmatched socks and biros – and sometimes they teleport to somewhere not only unlikely but ridiculous. There is probably a quantum explanation, but as I won’t be able to understand it, that is no comfort at all.
3