Mobile homes (not the Pikey ones)

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Mobile homes and their owners are fucking cunts.

Driving slowly on roads way too small for them, causing traffic jams and tailbacks, wrecking everyone else’s journey for the sake of being cunts. You can’t see past them, or overtake them. You can’t even roadrage them by driving too close in case one of the twelve fucking bicycles decides to shake off the back and crash through your windscreen like a wrecking ball with “your family” written all over it.

They ruin your camping holiday by parking sunside on to you making damn sure you freeze first thing in the morning and then resolutely ignore your eyes of detonating hatred by hiding behind their financial times and coffee, having already purposefully woken you up trying to get their motorized sky dish into position for the news. All the while, no doubt, sucking in great lungfuls of fabulous cuntry air whilst proclaiming how wonderful the great outdoors is.
What the fuck are these people even on holiday for? Are they seriously splashing 50 grand on a motorhome to simply sit next to me when I’m cold and rub it in? It would appear so. How else to explain that cheery hello as they slosh the evenings piss and shit over to the chemical dump?

Fuck them and their cunt wagons.

And fuck their special little clubs that give them discounted rates to exclusive campsites. Do they have better grass or something? Again, it would appear so. Phoning a caravan club site up and asking for a tent pitch gets you an instantly noticable increase in the posh accent followed by a condescending explanation at best, and at worst they simply put the phone down on you.

These people and their motorhomes are not just total cum gargling cunts, they are also a community of cum gargling cunts.

Perhaps providence will gift me the vision of serenity one day and make one somersault down the m4 like James Bond’s Aston Martin.

Nominated by Cuntflap

33 thoughts on “Mobile homes (not the Pikey ones)”

  1. Don’t forget the awning on the side that’s 3 times larger than the wagon that they somehow fill with enough furniture for a detached show home . Cunts probably even have a library in there. Then they take a whole morning folding it all back in before they leave only to take out assorted branches and bollards as they wallow out through the site like Dianne Abbott staggering to the bathroom for a midnight piss.

  2. My idea of heaven. A holiday driving, cooking and shitting in a bucket. All in a confined space. What more could you want?

  4. Utter Cunts. Most of them have no idea how to drive when towing,or how to reverse.Indeed,I’ve had good fun on a couple of occasions by screaming towards them in a tractor on a single track road and watching the blind panic as they try to reverse or get into the side.
    However my finest was a few years ago when I noticed,as I came back from the pub,that a nice shiny caravan was parked up,awning set,barby still up,in a gateway leading into one of my fields.I nearly made the classic mistake of stopping then and there and telling them to Fuck Off,but I’d had a better idea.
    Now I must admit that the gateway wasn’t frequently used,in fact I couldn’t remember opening it since refencing 20 odd years ago,but the fact that there are caravan sites aplenty within a reasonable distance,and yet these cheap Cunts were too mean to pay decided me.
    The next morning when the lads came in I told them what I had planned and sent one of them,on foot,down the field to open the old wooden gate,but to make sure he did it quietly so as not to disturb the happy caravanners. Once he’d had time to do that I set of on the quad and the rest of the lads in the pick-up and a tractor to drive the 25 stirks in the field down through the gate half-blocked by the tin-tent and it’s blissfully ignorant occupants. By Fuck,the Cunts were wild,but we managed to pursuade the old heifer that was in with them to squeeze through the narrow gap,and sure enough the rest of them barged and shoved as they battled their way through to follow her. The caravan was pitching like a lifeboat from The Titanic,and I must say the awning made a fetching cover-all for the maddened bullock that charged it’s way through. The noise…,I can hear it yet,The lads all screaming,the vehicle horns blasting,the beast snorting,..it was like something out of a John Wayne film…excelllent.
    I never did meet the occupants,thought it better to keep my head low,but did get a visit from the local police who seemed to think it was hilarious. I also got several letters from what I took to be their insurance company,but I never replied and just put the phone down on them when they called.
    I bet they think twice before parking in an unapproved spot again.

    Fuck them.

    • Brilliant!

      Should have given them the ‘deliverance’ treatment while you were at it Dick.

      “Weeeeeeeeeee!!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!”

      Boy they woulda squealed like piggies!

    • Doesn’t driving a tractor make you just the teeniest bit of a cunt too, Mr F?! Certainly, I’d rather be Stuart Lubbock’s bumhole and be forced to accommodate a violently inserted Barrymore forearm than admit to driving a tractor…hats off to you, Sir!

      • More like hats on – he’s admitted to being a slaphead too you know!

      • I’d imagine that most of us on here are slapheads…I myself am most certainly one.

      • @TtCE – Well I hope you have the decency to wear an afro wig. 💂‍♂️

      • As a Cunt of some repute locally,Mr.Cunt-Engine,I was aware that my popularity was confined to a fairly small circle…the dogs and myself,basically.
        However to now learn that even some contributors on this site may consider me “a teeniest bit of a Cunt” is a revelation that I’d never even considered. I can’t lie,Mr. Cunt-Engine,your allegation has wounded me. I always thought that it was just my foul manners,malevolence and lack of personal hygiene which convinced people that I was a Cunt. The idea that even people who have never personally encountered me,and yet have worked out that I’m a Cunt is not a welcome realisation.
        For Shame, Mr.Cunt-Engine,for shame.

      • Well, I feel guilty now. You should feel guilty that you’ve made me feel guilty, you selfish cunt. Perhaps we should send each other a bunch of wilting petrol station flowers?

      • I would like to send you an emoji though. Especially as you said a couple of months back that the Emoji Movie was *the* event of 2017. Alas, there’s no emoji depicting a peaceful getting the wiring wrong on his bomb of peace and blasting his hands and forearms to mist.

      • No, but here will soon be an emoji of a peaceful supposedly risking his life to save a child from certain death.

      • That Somalian Spiderman story reeks of spin.
        Should read…

        “Brave toddler foils Somalians’ attempted burglary”….

      • Mr Fiddler,

        I live in the cuntryside, and very occasionally get stuck behind a tractor. It just reminds me that I’m lucky enough to be well away from the urban filth. So you’re alright by me. But hey, please pull into a lay by just once in a while… thanks.

  5. Why on earth would you pay 50k for a house on wheels you use 2 weeks out of 52, only to park it up next to a plethora of assorted cunts in some random shitty field? You could have several years worth of holidays for that cash, in some nice villa away from everyone else, with a functioning toilet.

  6. Not me,Mr.Cuntflap. I’d have stacked the midden up against their gable-end and run pigs in the field next door. The owner is a music teacher..probably a Gay and his “wife” a tranny.. Stink the Cunts out and then buy the house off them at a knockdown price.
    Fuck them.

  7. My first encounter with a mobile home ( Hymer ) was in 1970, when the erroneous driver mistook the taxi drive of RAF Manston for the Thanet by pass. IRIOT!

  8. Snackbar incident in Belgium, two police dead. Here comes summer. Happy ramadanadingdong.
    Good afternoon.

    • Glad to say the Polis killed the Cunt… hopefully two in the chest and one in the head… shame they cant go round and shoot the Cunt’s family just to, you know, send a message….

  9. I own a Caravan and love it it’s like a four star hotel room, on suite bathroom with power shower and flushing toilet, hot water. Induction hob and microwave in the kitchen area, fixed bed in a proper bedroom, surround sound, air conditioning etc.
    I sleep in what I consider my own bed and not one in a Hotel room or B&B that hundreds of people have shagged on, with stained mattress and the odd other persons pubic hair.(if I wanted to use a bed that has been well used I would go to a brothel)
    I stay at adult only sites so no screaming hyperactive children. I pitch in some of the most wonderful countryside or with great sea views. I always stay at a Certified Locations where no more than five Caravans can stay, lots of room and great farcicalities.
    I used to be an idiot and stay in hotels where hundreds of fat sun creamed foreigners would usually spoil my holiday.
    Maybe I am a cunt for owning a caravan but I know I am having a much better time for a fraction of the cost of the lemmings that flood the hotel market.

    • I wonder if you have considered using better hotels? Thus mitigating the fury of the traffic behind you, as well as of non-caravanning members of the public who would prefer the wonderful views without a caravan park front and centre.

      As one who has spent several years (long enough ago for the memory thankfully to be fading now) living, year round, in residential caravans, let me recommend the experience in winter, too. High winds are particularly fun, as are subzero temperatures, but you have the warming knowledge that you are at one with nature. I will not call you a cunt, for that is disparaged here, but you are unquestionably a dilettante.

      • Does not matter what hotel room you use one star or four the beds have all been slept in by hundreds of others.
        Often Caravanned in the winter always been as warm as toast but then modern caravans are so well insulated and with hot air ducting are very cosy.
        Just as an adage, I hate the sprawling caravan sites they are an eyes sore.
        I also always travel in the dead of night as I find towing so much easier when there is little or no traffic on the road so do not consider myself to causing talebacks.
        Of course people who bemoan caravans have, I am sure the same mind-set as Jeremy Clarkson and we all know what he like.
        Call me a cunt I do not mind us caravan owners are a tough breed with very thick skins!!

  10. Well fuck me sideways
    Who would have thought Mr D Fiddler esq is a farming cunt ?!!!!!!!
    You live and learn

    • Farming and a bit of tree-work,C.C.,although since I’ve done my back in,I’ve been thinking of becoming a “Life Coach”.I feel sure that most people would benefit from a bit of advice from me…normally I just tell them where they’re going wrong without being asked,but just imagine getting paid to tell people why I strongly disapprove of them.

  11. One of the best laughs I ever had was seeing a pikey palace on wheels that had overturned on the motorway and disassembled itself up the hard shoulder and embankment.

    Watching bits of plywood and insulation blowing away on the breeze, while the sobbing owners tried to collect their personal belongings from lane 1 gave my day a little boost.

  12. Next door neighbour has one…..and true to form is a cunt of the highest order.

  13. I wonder if a recent, newly-wed couple from Windsore, currently on honeymoon in Turdeauland, might return to one of their home sto find it behind thousands of tons of excrement ?

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