Last week I organised a large beech tree dismantle and removal for a couple who have recently bought a house in the local area. It was a complicated job involving experienced climbers and a fair bit of machinery. It went well,as it should considering the price that the householders had agreed to pay.

Originally they had said that they wanted to keep the wood for firewood,but when they saw the sheer amount decided that they didn’t have room for it all and asked me if I could arrange for some of the larger bits of the stem to be led away. It was too gnarly for firewood so I rang a neighbour of mine and asked him if he would bring his Manitou loader and trailer down and take it back to my place where I was just going to dump in some quiet corner.

I told the householders that my neighbour wanted £150 to come down,load it and take it back to mine. They went fucking light accusing my neighbour of “trying to rip them off because they could afford to buy the house. Did all of us local-yokels think that they were made of money just because they’d moved from down south where he’d been a senior buyer for a large multi-national retailer?” etc.

I took great delight in explaining to them that my neighbour actually owns two farms and several cottages in the surrounding village and could undoubtedly buy and sell a “senior buyer for a large multi-national retailer” a dozen times over without bothering to go to the bank. That silenced them, I added the £150 to their bill and then told my neighbour not to bother going to remove the wood for a couple of months,that should get the Cunts frothing.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler