‘Xenon-phobic’ and other car light fears

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Xenon headlights cuntish…. I guess it’s not enough that every day at least one cunt blinds me with their full beams…. Now I get the chance to have my retinas burnt by these piece of shit super bright cunt bulbs….. Driving to work hanging from the night before and every other fucker has these fucking things burning an indelible image on the back of my skull…… The world could do with so many tech led inventions and innovations but instead they spend their time redesigning headlights to make them annoyingly cuntingly cuntish…

Audi indicators….. OK so you drive a fucking Audi so chances are you already pretty cuntish. But now their design cunts have decided driving like an arrogant prick is just not enough…… Your indicators (if you cunts both to use them) now need to highlight the cuntyness more…… Each time I see these scrolling led’s I find myself shouting cunt at the top of my lungs. Either I am developing tourettes or Audi indicators are total cunts…. Will let you decide.

Nominated by Cunt dracula.

 

58 thoughts on “‘Xenon-phobic’ and other car light fears”

  1. Cyclists with these lights are also cunts.

    Nothing really to add, apart from that all cyclists are cunts.

    • As a cyclist myself I’ve had to flash a couple of these cunts myself on their bikes whilst driving the car! Why can’t they angle the light down to actually see where the fuck they’re going instead of imitating a fucking runway FFS!

  3. Nowadays Audi drivers are pretty much neck and neck with their BMW counterparts in the great automotive race of complete cuntishness.

    If you are in the fast lane at 70mph you can pretty much guarantee you will see the image of a gurning, dribbling simpleton just ten feet away, in your rear view mirror, desperate to get in front of you.

    One can naively hope that Brreggsit might stem the flow of vehicles pitching up on these shores from the land of the pointy headed hun, but where would Peter Mandelson be without his open-topped Audi A6 specially finished in dusky pink?

  4. Yes I think it’s all geared up to tell other drivers on the road to “rouse” and “schnell maken”!

    On dark roads in you’re going down a bank with a decent gradient and a car with the ultra bright lights are coming up it then your retinas will be fused quicker than a glimpse of the sun through a 4000x magnification telescope!

    They’re not on high beem just normal and they are blinding. Great for the cunt driving that car, no so good for oncoming drivers.

    Dangerous in some respects I’d say.

    • You wish. Google ‘laser pointer UK’ if you doubt me. And then wonder why there hasn’t been an epidemic of blind teen windowlickers.

  6. There’s a research paper waiting to be written, called: “Sudden Onset Tourette’s Syndrome Triggered By Audi Drivers”. It isn’t an unusual phenomenon in my personal experience. Sadly I have no firm data with which to support the hypothesis, as, having been blinded by the oncoming cunt, it is impossible scientifically to confirm the make of car, although it’s fucking obvious it’s German.

    Slightly more cheering is the knowledge that the insignificant cunts who ‘buy’ these expensive lumpen status-wavers could do so only through a scheme which makes normal HP look like a kind gift from a doting parent, and that the bankers have them by the balls for the lifetime of the vehicle. They don’t shout about that, though.

    Also, as the headlight arms race intensifies, a side order of cunt for the cunts who intentionally misalign their nearside headlight to give them a better sight of the verge, blinding pedestrians on that side in the process. I understand the problem, but the solution is imperfect.

  7. PS – you maybe don’t have a lot of oligarchs’ fifth homes in your area, but we do. And realise that Mercs are by far the worst offenders in every department.

  8. With you on the lights thing,audi drivers are cunts who don’t indicate,talk on their phones and don’t give way when they should, I took great delight this morning bullying one such cunt off a traffic calmer when it was my right of way in my £500 banger and saluted the fucker while his face was pressed up against the windscreen so my day has been made early….

  9. I’ve been trying to cunt ‘Drivers who don’t use their indicators’ on here for a couple of years so I’m happy it’s partially up there, sort-of connected.

    People who don’t use their car indicators ought to be electrocuted, then dragged around behind a wild horse, then hung, drawn and quartered. Conceited, tiny-brained, self-important, cunt-puddles.

      • You thought correctly, Leo. The didn’t put them on their tanks and they clearly don’t put them on their Kraut Beamers. Mind you, the drug dealers who drive them are probably so off their tits they wouldn’t be able to operate them.

    • Now now cunters, please, just calm down. I drive a second hand Audi A1. Why? Cos it goes like a bullet (yippee!), and is exactly what I wanted and needed. I always use my indicators… why? I live in Cornwall, and, much as I love the Cornish, they are dense fuckers on the road… they still think horses are modern technology down here. So, one has to… Please don’t tar us all with the yuppie cunt brush…

      • Fran, I honestly don’t give a monkey’s arse what people drive, as long as they use their indicators.

        Must be lovely living in Cornwall. The sea, the fresh air, the lack of loud, East-European voices everywhere.

    • I also have to admit to cunting everyone else off in my FL RS3. I don’t sit on someone’s bumper though and I do occasionally use the indicator if I can be arsed – mind you, now knowing I can really fuck someone off by flipping a switch, I am minded to now use them all of the time irrespective of my turning intentions.

      • The only thing I don’t like are the ones that have all those little LED’s under the headlights. Apart from that, Audi’s are fine. My choice would be an A5.

  11. Where I live there we get a lot of timber -wagons leading at night on narrow roads. One of the drivers was telling me that as he was driving out of the wood and onto the main road one early morning when a car with these eye-burner headlights didn’t dip them as he neared the wagon. “I’ll teach the bastard” thought the intrepid wagon driver and proceeded to give the car driver the full benefit of the row of spotlights along the bull-bars and roof of the cab on his wagon while also giving him a blast of the air-horns. “Worked a fucking treat, Dick” he told me “until the bastard had some kind of a panic-attack and drove head first into the front of the wagon .”
    Wrote off the car and the wagon. Still makes me chuckle.

  14. Brexit scare day 3. This time from a pointless Welsh cunt called Carwyn Jones as reported on the so called BBC news website.
    ‘Trade deals with the US etc cannot replace EU trade deals.’
    No reason why they should. The deficit is in the EU’s favour so any tariffs will hit them harder than us. Trade will continue in both parties interests.
    Fact 1. Wales voted Leave.
    Fact 2. This gravy train riding cunt knows better that his constituents.
    Fact3. The Welsh assembly is the biggest collection of tossers and misfits outside of Brussels.

    • I’ve taken the liberty of reposting your daily Brexit scares over at my place with a cross reference back to here. I’ve acknowledged that I didn’t write them – which is more than Ian fucking Hislop ever did when he nicked my stuff.

      It’s also hashtagged onto Twitter and cross posted to Farcebook.

      Thanks. Good stuff…

      • Not bothered about attribution Dio. It would be good if more lies and scares were exposed for the Remoaning bullshit they are. I will continue flagging this up as I see it.

      • I want to smash Hislop’s head in with a sledgehammer. The cunt. (Past crimes he committed towards me, as already shared.)

      • Apparently our well Cunterd red Tory, she called Sourberry has been, under MPs second home claims allowance, been grabbing back the cost of her Beebistan Broadcast Corporation Tele Tax.

        I wonder if the rest of us who pay it, with no option, under threat of prison could claim also…

        Something along the lines of no taxation without representation, cos sure as hell ‘Al Beeb’ don’t represent me any longer.

  15. Even though I’m a cunt I wouldn’t drive a German car out of principle of not wanting to feed the Fourth Reich’s economy!

    It was only at the weekend I put one of these cunting panzer drivers in their place!

    I’d been out looking for Leylandii trees to stop the new neighbour from looking into my garden after helping stop their dormer plans with the council (for now).

    On the way home to my village (in my humble 1.8 Astra Estate) I was following a Volkswagen Touareg, and was on a 40mph stretch. I could have overtaken him, but I thought ‘NO’. I’m not in a rush and he was driving to the roads limit. The road ends in a village with a T-junction. At the top of this road I suddenly noticed some young cunt behind me in a Golf GTD. The paranoia kicked in and I immediately thought to myself there’s no way he’s come up that road at 40!

    The VW Tourareg turned left at the junction, and I turned right as did the fucker behind me. I said to myself I can see what’s coming here? I thought this cunt’s not going to be able to stay behind me? I kept my speed around 30mph as we passed through the 2 neighbouring villages. The road signs go from 30 to 40, and then to 50 as it gets to open countryside. At the 40 sign I dropped the car down a gear in anticipation of what was coming? On the cusp of the 50 stretch the Golf went for it, as I did I. There was a about 300 yards to the crest of the hill and I managed to hold him off as he wasn’t prepared to crest the blind summit and had to drop in behind me.

    I thought he’d never try to overtake again as there was a crossroads followed by a double ‘S’ bend, and another crossroads. How wrong I was! He was already up my arse and went for it again. He flew past me accelerating to around 100, and had a lead of around 100 yards on me. I class myself as a fairly decent driver, having drove for a living for 7 years in the past. I may be old but I wasn’t having this. It was at this point I saw the red mist came down.

    I kept my foot down and went after him, fortunately there’s a dip before the second set of crossroads and he came up behind another car, so had to break. This was my chance? I came skidding up behind him around 80 with all four wheel locked on. As I got closer, we were slowly coming out of the dip and as we did I still had the momentum to make a split second decision and went past both of them. I thought fuck you motherfucker! He came after me again, but it was too late because I’d reached the outskirts of the town and there was no way he’d try anything again.

    You can’t say I didn’t give the opportunity to come and discuss it with me as he saw me pull into the local Aldi store. I took my scarf off just in case I had to get out and give him a lesson in self defence aswell, but as expected he was just another of those cunts that hide behind their steering wheels.

    Any cunt can go fast in a straight line, why do you think they built the Autobahns? CUNTS!

    • I have twice been overtaken in a 40 zone, staying just legal, (on a litre bike) by the same twat in a Citroen estate. Needless to say, he didn’t stay in front for very long. Or indeed within a mile…

      Beats me what these cunts think they’re trying to prove.

  16. I just let the cunts pass. I was well rewarded one day when I saw the cunt who’d overtaken me at some ridiculous speed approaching a blind bend, stood next to his car which he’d put into a ditch. I gave him a toot and a cheery wave as I trundled past.

    • They always say these people will get their comeuppance, but only in rare circumstances does it ever seem to happen?

      I’m not proud of what I did and hate getting into these situations. If we don’t stand up to these kind of people they’ll keep doing it. I know I brought myself down to the low level scumbag he was, but he might think twice next time?

  17. In other news.
    It seems the peaceful migrant inhabitants of Calais have been shooting each other and attacking each other with iron bars.
    These people must be fast tracked UK citizenship. They are much needed in Industry and the sciences for the undoubted contribution they will make to our society.
    I apologise on behalf of the UK for bringing about this sorry state of affairs.

    • I apologise too. How could valuable NHS workers be allowed to waste each other like that? It’s all because of Brexit, obviously.

      • I think Im watching the same story on TV. This is a French Matter, and for them to resolve ( but they will not )
        The Granny shagger needs to fuck right off to the Bastille to await his turn on the end of L’Guillotine!

      • Macron should put them all on a plane for Ireland, then it would be Veradkunt’s problem.

  18. Some good stories on here today!.. Anyone who knows Wallington Hall in Northumberland will know the 17th century humped back bridge at the foot of a steep hill , with an ascending road at the far side. Long been known for people full pelt going over the “hump”. At only 25 miles per hour, you will take all 4 wheels clear off the ground ( so steep is the hump )

    It was fucking hilarious one day to witness a bunch of fuckwits attempt that bridge at about 40mph!!!!.. Launched into the air at that speed, the vehicle came down from a height of about 20ft in a vertical free fall. The car chasis , all 4 wheels and every thing else got fucked in an instant, and the car was smashed beyond repair. I have pissed myself laughing on a regular basis when I recall that!

    • Remember Mrs Stroker often telling me every single time in the car with me to slow down when going over one specific countryside hump back bridge.

      On this one particular occasion (when in my Volvo T5) when Mrs Stroker was not with me decided to take it considerably faster than the 30mph speed limit (sign just before the bridge)..

      In flight reckon my wheels were almost at the same height as the windows of the police car waiting just the other side.

      Needless to say an expensive lesson but also great fun.

  19. What about those cuntstruck Volvos that have back lights so huge they slap the bollocks out of your retinas ? They are to let the drivers behind you know, not the cunts in the next county!

  20. Received a telephone call from VW this morning. I took the car in on Tuesday morning as a yellow engine warning light came on. Nearly three days at the garage in all.

    Told me this time it was the air inlet valve neede replacing, the cost being £500 plus vat.

    Last time end of November noticed a slight difference in gear changing. Took it in to VW and they diagnosed a problem, telling me with a straight face that the gearbox needed replacing at a cost of £4500 plus vat, and would I like to book it in. Issue still outstanding.

    Previous year the timing chain on the vehicle needed replacing at a cost of £1700 including vat. Of this VW contributed £1000 towards the repair as it is a widely reported design fault with this particular type of engine.

    Also a new water pump for the supercharger at £360 including vat (not at the VW garage as they wanted significantly more for exactly the same job. Another well known problem part on my particular engine.

    What VW have effectively told me today is to fuck off and that my car should be scrapped, as the cost of repair exceeds the value. I disagree with their valuation of the car by several thousands of pounds. No goodwill given from either VW head office or from the local garage.

    I did point out to them that the particular gearbox on my car has been widely reported to be majorly problematical (fucking useless), and that in the USA there is a 10 year warranty on this unit. All gearboxes in Australia and Asia replaced at no cost to the owners. Involving 3m cars in all, many thousands in this country. Local service manager said he was not aware of any problem with this particular gearbox!!! Really.

    Also pointed out that I purchased the car from them as a quality car (the previous owner always took to the same local dealership), and that they had also regularly serviced the vehicle. Each time a light came on I tool it into their garage. Handbook fully stamped and up to date.

    Said we do less than 9000 miles a year.

    Said I thought that a quality car such as VW say they produce should not be written off at 8 years old, and that most people would expect a car if regularly maintained to last considerably longer than that.

    Anyway, after telling me to politely fuck off they asked whether I would like the car returned to my home address.

    They were very kind and cleaned the useless piece of shit before returning it to me. A gleaming turd.

    I can understand why the Germans want us toy remain in the EU. So that we can buy their shitty fucking cars. In my case a VW Golf 1.4TSI. Highly unlikely I know but if you are contemplating purchasing one and wish to be told that the quality car they sold to you only four years before and fully serviced by them is a pile of shit, avoid like the fucking plague.

    VW and Germans. All cunts.

    • A polished turd. Sounds like you’ve been on the receiving end of the renowned German charm offensive Willie. Ffs, all they’re asking in return is that you continue buying their shitty cars and bunging them £10billion net on top to subsidise the 4th Reich, for fuck all, nil points. Instead you whinge like a cunt. Shame on you Willie!

      • I want nothing to do with Germany or the EU Shitcake.

        All evil lying corrupt fuckers who just want our money.

        As DF would say “Fuck em”

    • I had a Passat, albeit 3rd hand but a low miler for 8 weeks. 6 of those weeks it spent back at the used car dealership or independent VW specialist garage.

      One new Camshaft, DMF and clutch later along with countless other messing with fuels pumps, air flow meter valves and the like iit still lost power quicker than fuck when faced with any sort of gradient. I told them to the take it back and refund me, which they did to be fair.

      Kraut build quality, a myth in my book. Overrated and overpriced.

      • Strangely I also had a Passat. Up until the Golf the worst car I ever had.

        Engine overheated and melted whilst on the A12, coincidentally on the way to look at purchasing a replacement vehicle.

        No engine warning light or any indication there was a problem, just lots of smoke/steam, only after a cuntish light and buzzer. Pathetic.

        Sold that fucking crap heap for £100.

        Two Vauxhall’s (both relatively ok) followed by aforementioned VW followed by Volvos, both relatively ok (the 850T5 fucking awesome, Heathrow to Ipswich in 1hr 16 minutes), then the current piece of shit.

        Loved the old Volvos (850’s and V70’s) but newer ones have lost their appeal IMO.

        Can still get a used V70R at about £20k, but all RHD Japanese imports.

    • This morning took the VW Golf into an independent automatic gearbox specialist.

      Told me they get a lot of VW automatic gearbox problems. This is strange as the local dealership told me they are not aware of anybsuch problems.

      The independent garage said not only do they get a lot of VW’s, also loads of BMW and Mercedes. Without these cars their business would not survive.

      Spot the common denominator.

  21. VW now have a recorded message…

    “If your monkey has been immobile for more than four minutes, switch off the engine, disconnect exhaust, and open the airtight chamber to ventilate”

    Evil bastards.

      • Can trace their roots back to the Nazis.

        The furhers ‘people’s car’ I believe.

      • I despise the KDF Wagen ( Nazi Beetle) with a passion. Horrible things that catch fire at the drop of a hat and when actually running has a ride that could make a trawler captain seasick. The owners are even more arrogant than those of modern kraut machinery as well, strutting around classic car shows sneering at the Austins and Morrises. The Citroen 2CV was a better “peoples car” design.
        On a cheery note, fritz has a habit of putting his engine in odd places, creating unbalanced death traps to catch out their overconfident owners.
        The Fuhrer’s revenge…

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