Newspaper Obituaries

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In light of the passing of Rodney Bewes, I would like to nominate obituaries for a severe cunting on this esteemed website. Not Bewes but the people who wrote the gushing and over-the-top tributes that have been all over the media.

I’m too young to remember The Likely Lads but I know my parents liked it. However, the last series ended in 1974 and the TV fillum was in 1975. The last time I recall seeing Bewes on the telly was in a bit-part opposite Peter Davison’s Dr Who. Far from being a ‘legend’ Bewes was clearly a has-been living on decades-old kudos and a feud with his old co-star. A bloke I used to work with in the early 90s said he had worked in the theatre and Bewes was a hopeless alky who they had to drag out of the pub in time for performances. I’m sure Sir Limply will be able to confirm or deny this story.

But no-one good dies anymore. Everyone is a ‘legend’ or ‘one of a kind.’ Look at the outpouring of grief about Prince and David Bowie last year. Both great musicians but both Prince hadn’t had a hit in yonks and Bowie’s last number was in 1983. Again, I’m not cunting either Prince or Bowie but the completely over-the-top reaction to their deaths in the media. I’m going to Mars when Queenie finally croaks.

How about getting a sense of fucking perspective? Yes, you can be sad when someone whose acting or music you liked dies but you didn’t know them and their passing will be zero impact on your life.

Nominated by Norman

45 thoughts on “Newspaper Obituaries”

  1. If you’re not a total CUNT before you die, Media obituaries will guarantee you’ll be remembered as little else once you’ve snuffed it.

  2. Since when was the “greatness” of musicians judged by Number 1s?

    By that criteria, Take That, The Spice Girls, Westlife and One Direction are among the “greatest” British groups of all time. And I’m sure we can all agree that’s not true.

    • Too true fred, good music can’t be determined by mass consumer appeal some of my favorite songs haven’t even entered the charts and why should they? charts are determined by shite thats been played to death on the radio

      • Rolf Harris’s ‘Two Little Boys’ was at No.1 for six horrendous fucking weeks.

        They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I remain to be convinced…

      • And the worst thing about that bit of trivia is that it was the song at number 1 that closed the 60’s – to some a halcyon decade of music – fucking irony that it was finished off by a paedo singing about 2 little boys and in the past sang about tying his kangaroo down and messing with his didgerrydoo, jake the peg, I touch myself, one hand in my pocket, I’ve been everywhere plus his hoar of a rendition of stairway to heaven. Fuck me – all the signs were there.

      • Remember that dirty cunt Jonathan King and his dose of clap record “everyone’s gone to the moon” Not only was it shite, this kiddie fiddler was put up by the beeb as a “class act”
        FFS!

      • Ha ha, I thought “Moon” was great…at least I did when I bought it as a twelve year old in 1965…! Maybe I should go for counselling.

        Either way it was head and shoulders above every other single he ever inflicted on the public, whose equally bad taste eagerly lapped up the rest of his unmitigated sub Eurovision Song Contest crap that comprises the rest of his back catalogue…

      • Rolf Arse’s songs all full of innuendo, esp. Tie me kangaroo…

        Something for every diverse-person in that !!

  3. I don’t care if Blair’s obituaries are a pack of sugar coated lies. As long as the cunt is dead that’s all that matters. You have brightened my day just putting the idea in my head. Thanks.

    • I was all for giving that cunt a state funeral and burying him until I was informed that he’d have to be dead.
      Cunt.

  4. I’ve mentioned similar before with ‘legends’
    Shirley Bassey for instance is a legend yet if you look at her CV, there are huge gaps of nothingness.

    “A career that spanned four decades”
    Yeah, three songs/films/books/telly shows in the sixties and some kitch(sic) minor comeback in the mid nineties due to some obsession Chris Evans has does not make a successful career.

      • Diana Ross has done about sixty but there’s still only a handful of her songs that are memorable.

        If i was a commis chef starting in 1967, quitting in 1970 but still made beans and toast every Tuesday afternoon, i wouldn’t be classed as a master chef that has rustled up culinary delights over four decades.

    • You could say the same about Kirk Douglas Sidney Poirier Jack Nicholson Gene Hackman Tec who have all long retired but are still legends even if kids have no idea who they are as they didn’t eat kangaroo cock on I’m a celeb.

      • Same goes with Daniel Day Lewis his c.v. has big gaps in it and he is now retired at just

      • Right, in simple terms.

        Some cunt, whoever they may be has a hit or two in the sixties, their star fades and then they die forty years later and are described as having a career that spanned decades.

        I used the Shirley Basseyy as an example coz i think she’s an overrated cunt but quite frankly, i wish i hadn’t.

      • Bassey is known for two things… A couple of Bond themes and covering a Harrison/Beatles record… She became sort of trendy (with cunts) in the 90s because of that TFI Friday/Easy Listening/Mike Flowers Pops bollocks , but other than that, nah….

      • Resurrected bands get me. Slade are touring again. Dave Hill needs the money and good luck to him, but Slade without Noddy simply isn’t Slade.

        Saw the Searchers a while back. They have worked continually for decades and they’re bloody good.

        Tribute bands get me too. There’s even one for Ed Sheeran FFS!

      • Most resurrected bands just do it for the cash and don’t add to their legacy… There are exceptions (Suede, Duran Duran) who do produce new music, but most of them (Stone Roses, Spandau Ballet) who just do the greatest hits set and rake in the cash… And I agree, Dio… No Nod or Jimmy, no Slade….

  5. Ain’t it weird that all these old blokes in slebland are being hunted yet we live in the age of the ‘cougar’

    More double standards.

    • “Cougar”,my arse. Wrinkly old bags is all they are. Why the fuck anyone would pick an old biddy over a young slapper is a mystery to me.

  7. There’s a report in today’s news about a 12 year old and his 15 year old brother who were killed last night while travelling in a stolen car that crashed. Their grandmother described them as “Cheeky Chappies”. What she means is that they were semi-feral ,thieving scum. Tell the truth, Granny.

    • Bit like this prize cunt whose online posts boast about dealing drugs and say ‘I’ve been shot at, I’ve been stabbed but I still ain’t leaving the block’ However friends say Mr Charles was a good father to his baby daughter.​
      Jada, Remiya’s mother said her son was a ‘caring and generous’ father and a respected member of his local community.
      I say he’s a dead cunt who brought misery and fear to weak and vulnerable people.

    • As Richard Littlejohn would say “ it’s not like we lost the cure for cancer” when these fucking scrotes died, is it?

    • ‘Tell the truth Granny’ … the thing is, granny is probably in her (very) early forties, so she won’t be ‘old school’ granny, brought up on morals ….the sun will shine out of their arses, and she’ll be offended to suggest otherwise.

  8. Back in the day an old neighbour of mine took the Morning Star as his morning tipple with his cornflakes. He showed me the edition that came out the day after Diana’s funeral. This is how they covered it.

    “Yesterday traffic in London was held up due to a procession”.

    Absolute genius.

  9. A good article in one of the past weeks papers by a contributer did point out that following the death of two musicians …. Malcolm Young of AC / DC and David Cassidy …..
    One was a raving alcoholic, married three times, never acknowledged a ‘love child’ from a one night stand, filed for bankruptcy and arrested several times for drink driving …

    The other was Malcolm Young. He gave his sibling the chance to be in his band, had a very successful career and certainly never forgot his fanbase that carried them into notoriety.

    Which one did it appear to be the one your Mum (if you were a girl of course) would want you to take home …?

    The Press are selective Cunts ….!

    • There was hardly a mention for Malclom Young on the ABBC and other channels… But they all couldn’t shut up about David Cassidy… Making out he was some sort of musical great when he certainly wasn’t… He was the Justin Bieber of his day and about as talented as he is (ie: not at all)… Of course, like Amy Wino, P@edo Jacko, Jade Goody etc the cuntish antics of the deceased celebrity is suddenly overlooked or ignored… And Cassidy was apparently not very nice to the women in his life, be they wives or groupies…

      • Mike Nesmith of the Monkees was (and is) a good musician and songwriter, not necessarily my cup of tea though.

        Saw Cassidy interviewed on TV about 15 years ago. 100% utter cunt! Almost felt sorry for the cunt interviewers…

  10. Whenever an average at best Premiership footballer pops his clogs now there is a guarantee of four things….

    Dead player will be referred to as a ‘legend’
    Mawkish piano driven slo mo black and white montage/tribute on Sky Sports
    Dead player will be called ‘a one-off’ and ‘a giant of the game’
    Paul Merson (shithouse) will cry on Sky Sports

    When a genuine great of the game goes (Best, Cruyff, Eusebio etc) one can sort of understand the fuss… But acting like Gary Speed was the Elvis of football, or making out that Ugo Ehiogu was as good as Moore or Beckenbauer is just taking the piss and modern griefmonkeying at its most absurd….

    • George Best should have been remembered for the drunken cunt he was, the cunt was given a new liver and he wasted it when some other more deserving person could have had it, he was an over rated cunt, and he gave us that other talentless cunt Calum

  11. I would happily write that Bonio, Morissey, Sting, Soapdodger etc etc were fucking legends if they did the decent thing and croaked.

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