The (Sweeney) Stasi,
The Stasi!
Dah, Dah dah-dah daaaaa, dah du dah dah!
——
“‘Ere you, scroat!?!” (BOP!)
2hrs later in Flying Squad HQ…
“Waaaa, waaht happened?”
“You’re nicked sanshoine! We was towld you ‘eld a door open forra bird and she’s grassed you ap as pervert sex offendah!”
“But, but, but…”
“Worra you? A fackin’ Indian! We got you banged to rights and you’re goin’ darn and forra lorng toime moy san!”
4hrs later in a Brixton surveillance unit…
“Ere gav! Wots this?”
“Wot!?!”
“Two blokes wiv’s shootahs.”
“Naaah, Carter you plam! That’s jast Mr Khan and Mr Mohamed. Are you radio-facking-rental!?! You won’t find two more stand-ap geezers than those two!”
“Bat gav, the shootahs?”
“Jast toys.”
“But the van full of fosgene gas?”
“Well maybes they’re doing sam paint work or sammink!”
“Rental van?”
“So!”
“And the twelve year old girl who looks stoned?”
“…a niece…”
“…in ‘ahhhnd-caffs?”
“Jast fan and games Carter you nonce!”
“Sorry gav.”
“It’s alright Carter, it’s good to be keen. No need forra report.”
—-
“OY! Wot’s this!”
“What!?!”
“This fence YOU CANT!”
“Er, well, it’s a picket fence…?”
“Yes, bat, worts wrong wiv’ it?”
“Er, is it too high?”
“Naw! Troy again.”
“Er, the chevrons too pointy??”
“Naw, naw, naw! You mast troy ‘arder san! Wort calah is it!”
“Er…white…?”
“Ahhhnd wot ovah calah?”
“Well, er, it’s all white, it’s a picket fence you see and…”
“Shat it! You’re nicked! Carter send this one darn for a long time on the race relations act 1984!”
—-
“Gav? Reports of a sex offender in Dulwich!”
“A nonce! Right let’s gaw!”
…
“OY YOU! NONCE CANT!”
“Are you speaking to moi?”
“Yes oy am! So wots your story feeling up the women in these swimming baths changing rooms then?”
“I beg your pardon!?! I am a woman today! And therefore when I say it, it’s true!”
“Well, er, I don’t know if that’s right but I…”
“Oh you DON’T do you! Well why don’t you ask your boss Cresida?”
“Cresida Dick?”
“She prefers ‘Cresida Strapon’ darling. Not too worry. She was just in earlier in the sauna having her bean flicked by that naughty young Polish pool attendent filly.”
“Er, she was was she?”
“Yes she was Inspector Reagan.”
(GULP!)”You know who oy am?”
“Of course dear. Cresida has a soft spot for you as you’re so right-on!”
“Aw…well in that case. Sorry to ‘ave disturbed you mam.”
“Not to worry inspector. Now can I have my camera back as there’s a woman just gone into cubicle 2 who’s got the most delightful fanny just like a boxer’s nose, and I’d like a few snaps for when I decide I’m a man again.”
“Er, yes, of course mam. Carter! Give the – er – lady her camera back with the telephoto lens.”
—-
Next week: Reagan and Carter help a traveller community ransack a small village in the Cotswolds for quite clearly being racist…
Nominated by Rebel Without a Cunt
The serious truth is that Senior appointments in forces are politically driven, and PC credentials are more important than the ability to be reliably effective Police Officers. What we have now, are wanstains ordering the painting of finger nails to make political statements. Ordering officers to wear high heeled shoes and fluffy slippers to elevate “domestic crime “. We have wankers telling officers not to attend “minor crimes” but finding the resources to spend millions on “hate crime”.
This country is seriously fucked up! Fucked up politicians, fucked up coppers, and a fucked up society with too many wogs.
Fuck em all.
27
Not domestic violence anymore: intimate partner violence.
1
Top comment A,
Ranked amongst the top replies I have read in a while as you had the balls to include too many wogs. Well done that man (?)
As for the OP – is it a question or a rhetorical statement or should there be a long space between Cresida and Dick?
1
Most of the filth are out collecting taxes from motorists. Reckon I was copped yesterday by a TCV (tax collection van) doing 46 in 40. Cunts.
7
I went on a speed awareness course recently (for 80 in a 70 limit) and was told the cut-off point for speeding is [the limit + 10% + 2mph]. So you might just be OK at 46 in a 40.
5
Have a look here Kendo before the cunts come knocking looking for cash.
http://forums.pepipoo.com/index.php?act=idx
Or
http://www.nopenaltypoints.co.uk
Apologies in advance if i have crossed the line in potentially saving the licence / livelihood of a fellow cunter being victim of a corrupt cash cow.
1
Cheer Bob, I’ll wait to see if the cunts send me one. Appreciate the info.
1
If you ever want to clear a cold, eat spicy kim-chi the only drawback is your mouth will be on fire but its worth it Btw Thats a hilarious cunting Rebel well done had a good larf
4
Great cunting and ‘Cresida Strapon’ made me laugh on a packed train carriage, so thanks for making me look like an unhinged cunt (well I am one, jist trying to keep it hidden) 🙂
Modern policing… holy fuck has this made me so, so fucking angry. It’s simply a fucking disgrace that there is always an abundance of bastard gabbers to move on a tramp from the street, but never any of you are burgled, mugged or even fucking hit by a car.
In all my time living in London I could count on one testicle the amount of times I saw old bill on the beat – rest assured though that everytime I went to Nandos in Fulham Broadway I would always see groups of them taking advantage of their police fucking discount.
Even nonces seem to be of little importance to police now – which is why so many paedophile sting groups have appeared to do the police’s job for them (well, that and the YouTube/Facebook fame). Mind you, some of these videos are well funny, even though they shouldn’t be – best of the lot is Shane Brannigan – look for his vids if you can. Seemingly every paedo reported in the news has been caught by these groups.
So what do the gabbers actually fucking do? Dress in high heels for equality stunts and arrest people for sending offensive Tweets.
Fucking cuntstables.
17
The core values of policing are truly going down the crapper. If your local coppers are not nail painting or riding around in bumper cars they may not bother turning up at all if you live in an odd numbered house and have been burgled or speak English as a first language and are not deemed ‘vulnerable’ enough.
Its not the rank and file front line that needs a good cunting but as ever with any public body, NHS, Fire Service ect , the managers, the chief execs who have a nice shiny degree but no common fucking sense.
10
What do they do? Play on the dodgems, pretending they’re in The Sweeney:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/10/17/police-fun-fair-officers-have-fantastic-afternoon-riding-dodgems/
3
I bet they fucked off before the fighting broke out.
Pissed up carnie cunts like to finish the night with a good scrap before heading back to the caravan.
Normally involving a father whose daughter, about to become a teenager got felt up at the back of the ghost train by one of said soap dodgers.
1
Don’t forget the odd karaoke performance while touring the pubs on the nightshift, ice bucket challenges, Harlem shake stunts etc.
2
Here’s something chilling we all knew but I have it directly from the horse’s mouth: my brother-in-law is a detective sergeant in the Met. Ordinarily, that’d make him a total cunt right off the bat. He is, however, an enormous (white) South African from Durban and is utterly racist and isn’t sure eho he hates more out of peacefuls, golliwogs, pikies or Romanians. He appears to be the last old-fashioned pig in the Met, probably explains why he’s not a DI. Anyhow, at a family dinner, my mother made a very serious point about it being the police’s job to protect the public. He burst out laughing for a full 20 seconds before informing her, “we are not here to protect you. We are here to protect the establishment. Any interaction with the public is very low down on our priorities list.” So maybe he is rather a cunt after all. On the other hand, you can’t hate a pig who still peppers a police-related story with the words “paki” and “nigger” in front of a room of 20 people.
12
So your DS bro-in-law says he’s only here to protect the privileged section of Society that promotes the rights of “peacefuls, golliwogs, pikies or Romanians” above the rest of us?
South African cunts not big on irony, presumably.
Suppose you have to admire his honesty though, the hugely hypocritical Cunt!
6
An absolute classic…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxEweP2TiMk
6
With Lord Lucan as the bar tender, very funny video
3
As a former Seffrican resident, Durban too, as it happens, this copper has learnt the English terms of endearment very quickly.
For a Saffa:-
A Paki would be a Coolie. A nigger would be a Kaffir.
Obviously the Met has trained him well. Makes me proud to be British.
3
Tom Sharpe’s Konstabel Kaffir-Killer Els could teach our lot a thing or two…
1
They have it bred into them from superiors that they are glorified social workers in uniform tasked with sorting our family / neighborhood disputes.
Those with an urge to carry out some proper policing get that knocked out of them when they can’t get their superiors permission to pursue any leads involving suspects with unpronounceable names.
4
Officer Chunkblower……..ello ello ello, what’s all this about then peaceful sonny?
Random peaceful…….it’s like my brand new (rental) VW Golf innit, packed with drugs, white women and other peacefuls.
Chunkblower…..there’s been reports of this car jumping red lights, driving like a demented cunt and playing loud music that sounds like it should be in Akbaars.
Peaceful…..somefin wrong wid that? this is Bradford after all?
Chunkblower…..and the ISIS flag?
Peaceful……showing respect to my brovers who are hard at work shoving shirt lifters off office blocks.
Chunkblower….well I see nothing amiss here at all, please go on your way to the Turkish border while I go and stop some normal looking white bread folks for doing 32 in a 30.
16
May should resign for touching Trump’s hand.
3
Many years ago I got drunk with the (married) receptionist at our Bury St Edmunds office and she let me fuck her in the ass…does that mean I have to resign from my menial job and sit on the sofa all day wanking?
15
I call that a fucking good result Spanky! Just sit tight. Only move if visited by plod!
5
Or soak her hand in caustic soda for a week.
1
You know things are fucked up…..when a pizza gets to your door quicker than plod….
15
Never mind delivered, you could also eat it and shit it out too.
4
The problem with Modern Policing is making it too “inclusive.” First it was women ,who are by nature too hysterical and physically weak (apart from some of the butch lezzas.). Then it was the Coons who are inherently lazy and untrustworthy(particularly around white women).Then it was the Pakis, dishonest,corrupt and too protective of their own clan. Then it was the Sexual Deviants, libido-driven in their quest to find vulnerable victims on which to practice their aberrant behaviour,and permantly attempting to promote their abhorrant behaviour as the “norm”. Then it was the soppy liberal wankers spoonfed drivel at some Poly who believe that “respecting” every Cunt’s “rights” takes precedence over decent ,moral behaviour.
There was a lot to be said for the days when policemen knew who to arrest and who to give a lift back from the pub. Coppers used to live in a village and knew the people, not now. Nowadays most coppers are pissy little pavement-admiral types who are more concerned with peoples’ feelings than getting off their lazy arses and doing the job than 90% of the population wants.
Fuck them.
20
My best friends mate used to be a policeman, when he joined he was really into the job, he eventually got his dream job at Sco 19 and absolutely hated it and left ? According to my friend he got sick and tired of the insidious PC nonsense that has infected the police, any incident no Matter how trivial would result in filing a huge report , he spent as much time on paperwork as he did on the streets…….
Off point but just heard the sad news on sky news , apparently next years Hollywood blockbuster The Michael Fallon story staring Kevin spacey has been shelved…..is there any end to the bad news??
16
As is his expose/documentary The Usual Suspects: Westminster.
5
And not forgetting the Xmas classic The three unwise men starring Clegg CLARKE and lord Adonis…… what a bunch of treacherous Cunts they are!! 😡
4
Forget to mention the excellent cunting RWAC…. seriously funny 👍
5
The other thing which gets on my tits about “modern” policing is that if the perp fits an “on message” type then they are to be protected at all costs and fuck the victim(s).
You take any of the spate of “peaceful” terrorist attacks and – when they finally admit it was a) “peaceful” and b) a terrorist act – the immediate response is to “hug a peaceful” cos “…they’re not all like that.”
The most sickening of these being the day after the Manchester Arena bombing, where many people lost their lives or were maimed – a lot of them children, Ian Hopkins (Manchester Chief Constable) went to prayers in the Mosque nearest to the incident.
Was this to round-up and question the complicit fuckers (some of whom will have known what was going to happen and others who were on the terrorist watch list)?
No. While the blood of the victims had barely dried that cunt was showing support to the “peaceful” community and vowed to crack down on any anti-“peaceful” hate crime (which we now know means a dirty look, tweet or name calling a bomb-maker a “bomb-maker”).
Thomas the Cunt Engine’s appraisal actually rings true. Plod no longer exists to protect and serve the wider public, the exist purely to protect, serve and enable the establishment.
The only interaction plod wants with the wider public is to collect stealth taxes by means of minor traffic infringements (and it’s only the average non-“peaceful” working man who’ll pay it, I bet your average mini cab grooming “peaceful” don’t pay them and get off with not paying them due to some religious reason), or, to virtue signal to one of the “right on” groups (“peacefuls”, the LGBTQ mob, etc.) just to show how inclusive they are.
My parody above of a modern Reagan and Carter is a bit of a dig at being pissed off by all this PC (pardon the pun) bullshit which has infected the whole of the public sector/services. The sad thing is, I bet the reality isn’t too wide of the mark! Cunts!
17
It’s top banana cunting though, made me laugh so much the wife wondered what I was up to 🙂
Quality work.
9
Most plod ive ever met have been total tools, some are ok but they will never see a promotion or a position of influenece. Had a convo with a very wise old fella once about a mate of mine who had recently joined the old bill, i commented that he seemed a totally different person. ‘How so?’ He grumbled… Well, before his badge, he was an alright, friendly, open and honest type, live and let live sort. After plod he became quite opinionated, bolshy, arrogant and most untrustworthy. My old friend commented this “It wasnt the force that changed him, this is likely the cunt he always was behind the mask – he just never had any sense of power to act how he wanted to before without fear of consequense (social or otherwise). The police force attracts these kind of people like the clergy attracts the nonse”. So, in summation, perhaps there isnt some sort of top down liberal conspiracy to turn the pigs into the establishments thought police after all, perhaps its just a natural result of the job attracting lifes terminal wankers – the angry left, shouty, weak liberal tossers types. My ending analogy is this – if your subordinates consited of 100 Owen Jones types twats, you’ll never get away with making Jeremy Clarkson the boss.
6
Just a quick emergency cunning for Police stop and search. According to the BBC State news Gun and knife crime in Londistan is up, so stop and search of minorities isn’t working and is upsetting them, the poor lambs.
In an interview wth a “minority” ( the only single opinion sought) in the Ghetto, i mean London, he was so upset about being stopped and searched that when leaving the house he nearly forgot his blade and shooter.
So when the Elite London republican Guard are driving around Compton, i mean Peckham, stop hassling minorities as its making them sad. Stop and search 80 year old Grannies instead, they are the real cause of gang violence, the bastards.
16
And do forget that there needs to be an over-representation of all minorities in all TV programming unless that programme revolves around inmates in a prison where there is no minority presence.
Just as it is in real life…
8
Like the last series of Doctor Who… Darkies in the Welsh Guards in 1881… Pakis and Darkies in the Roman Army in 4th Century Scotland… The head officer of the Chinese Army being a woman… The General of the Time Lords regenerating into a (wait for it!) darkie woman who hates men…. There’s more black ones in ‘Nu-Who’ than there is in a bag of Pontefract Cakes…
8
And even if (the admittedly shaggable) Jodie Whittaker is a success as the Doc, I can’t see her lasting…. Only a matter of time before cunts pipe up with ‘But she’s white! We want a black one!’ Then Whittaker herself will be a victim of the ‘It’s about time!’ Grauniad and Twatter cunts who helped her get the role…Think I’ll put a bet on there being a darkie woman Doctor by 2020… If the show hasn’t died a death before then that is…
6
In today’s episode of ‘The Bill’:
After yet another terrorist atrocity by muslamist human excrement that killed more innocent British civilians, the police walk around the streets with guns for a few hours so it looks like they are actually arsed… But a day later they disappear and the sandwog scum are back all over the place once more…
Don’t miss it…
13
Bring back DCI Frank Burnside, “round these slaggy ragheads up Reg and stick em in the back of the van”.
5
Or DCI Gene Hunt and DS Ray Carling of ‘Life On Mars’…
‘Did you see him?’
‘Yeah, I told you… He was a Paki! They all look the same!’
6
I have family in the London MET and its true about the stop and search being greatly reduced.
My family members told me that they cant even search someone if they stink of weed anymore. They have to actually see something to be able to search you. My family members said that they would love to get these cunts of the streets but have had there hands tied by the arseholes from above.
And this you may not know but a lot of the police cars in London are being used to bolster the ambulance service due to the cuts to the NHS service. Anything but actually fix the problems or spend a little money .
And the paper work is horrendous for even a the smallest infractions,would you want to do 4-8 hrs of paper work for everything arrest.
PC culture and the law suit culture have all but put a stop to any of the decent bobbies from actually being able to protect their communities. And making them look like utter cunts.
11
Great cunting, Rebel, spot on.
I see on the news in Liverpool some bloke got stabbed by a person on a scrambler style bike.
Better than being hit with a spatula by a kiddy on a Raleigh Grifter, I suppose.
2
I’m going to take umbrage here. It’s been nearly a week and not one of you cunts have acknowledged Lewis Hamiltons remarkable achievement winning the formu… the form….the źzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
9
I watch the F1 whenever i can but got to admit the way “HammerTime” Hamilton won the crown was very lackluster.
This was mainly due to Ferrari fucking up the excitement with engine failure’s and Vettel losing his cool and going all Michael Schumacher in the last race.
but do hope he can get his 5th title before he completely disappears up his own pretentious arse. All this wanting to be a gangster, vegan hip hope star shit is really cringy.
3
Who? And what was it he won again?
3
Some uncle tom tax doging limp wristed cunt won a number of borrrriiiiing car races.
Most of the people who watch this drivel as sooooo far away from that world it’s almost comical.
Racing drivers sourround by cash, mansions, drugs, women, (men?) servants, sicophants
Fans sourrounded by burger wrappers, dog farting on the threadbare carpet, wife blowing the new bloke at work etc etc
8
It’s already started.
Christmas adverts on TV. Simply cannot cope with them. Non stop.
The usual suspects.
Shit plastic toys, all from as little as £59.99 (batteries not included). In order to appeal to everyone, the kids in the adverts must include a white, black and Asian model. No peacefuls yet but only a matter of time.
French nonsense perfumes/aftershave ads (all with accompanying stupid French accent and models depicting the perception of the high life).
Budget sofas (what is it obout the obsession with cheap fucking sofas and bank holidays), if you order now delivery guaranteed before Christmas, plus interest free credit and nothing to pay for 6 months.
Supermarket adverts with everyone grinning like imbeciles and wearing stupid hats.
Argos shitfest (whoever buys any of their stuff in Argos)?
Cadbury’s (total cunts for completely destroying many years of UK chocolate tradition and turning it into “new improved recipe” US fun sized different shaped crap but at same price) Milk Tray
The “highlight” being the rather predictable pathetic overhyped and usually disappointing John Lewis Christmas offering.
Have probably missed a few these are the ones that piss me off the most.
Have never understood why advertisers feel that any adverts on tv at Christmas (or any other time come to think of it) seriously influence the watching audience, Can honestly say than in my 58 years on this planet I have never once been tempted to purchase any products advertised on the tv. Figures will probably prove me wrong and that many gullible twats who are taken in by commercial will think of nothing better than to buy loads of stuff on credit that they do not need. I feel Christmas adverts as nothing more than a major irritant and deserve to be cunted.
10
A load of old toss which I wouldn’t eat, sit on or shit on, even if it were given me free.
Also, clothes shops selling stupid tat that no-one in their right mind would be seen dead in…reindeer jumpers, tacky metallic blouses with tinsel down the front (must be a fucking nightmare picking the chunks out of that…)
Oh, the season of goodwill which makes January, February and March seem so dire and empty…
Indeed, a MASSIVE cunting for DFS sofas and their half-witted, knitted characters. The problem is, I see a lot of people around that look loike these gonks…
2
Who the actual fuck complains about speed cameras not working?
This cunt, from IAM smart apparently…
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-41869687
Surely the police not pursuing the thieving scum operating in London every day and those letting the peaceful kiddie fiddlers…..well, fiddle in peace is a bigger problem than speed cameras which are / are not active?
What a cunt! This country needs to shake all this PC shit and get a grip.
0
Never mind going on about stop & search, what about chase & apprehend? Particularly when a witnessed crime has been committed, captured on CCTV.
The scum going around Londistan committing crimes then speeding away on mopeds need to be pursued and apprehended.
The pursuit of these criminals should be the same as it would be of those in a car. CCTV monitors these scumbags operating everyday but what does Sadcunt Khant & the police do?…..Introduce a pollution tax on working commuters and workers penalising those who endeavour to keep the city alive.
Why don’t they bring in some controls on these moped clowns particularly the ones going around with no valid VED, MOT, Registration plate, driven by unlicensed riders who probably aren’t even here legally either. They need to shut these maggots feeding of our lives down for good.
These gangs will soon be replicating their business models across GB with a big helping hand from our authorities of doing fuck all.
Let a foreign barber shop opening in your town be a signal uto you the foundations of a new crime network being laid.
0
Islam is not a race you soft cunt!
0