Christmas Drinkers. You know the drinkers that are nowhere to be seen for 10 and a half months of the year then invade their local pubs and behave like they fucking own the place.
I have drawn up a list of rules for my local pub to try and make these supermarket plonk swilling cunts a bit of an idea how to behave in any of our fine drinking establishments.
RULE 1. – KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ORDERING BEFORE GOING TO THE BAR
We understand that you don’t know the entire list of items that a pub stocks, but for your convenience most pubs have little drinks menus on the tables and posters showing special offers. Other than that unless you are in a hipster haven, snowflake ridden gastropub the choices are reasonably simple. Lager, Cider, Bitter and Guinness with a range of standard spirits and mixers.
If the pub serves food which you have to order from the bar make a note of the table number that you are sat at. You only slow down service for other customers while you walk back to your table and find out. Also saying “I am sat over there” does not work in a busy establishment.
Guinness takes longer to serve as it has to settle so ordering it last will only annoy other customers and the bar staff. Same goes for coffee. If you want a fair trade double half caffeinated decaf latte made with soya milk. YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN A PUB!!!
Have your money ready. Don’t order a round of drinks and then start rummaging round in your bag, pockets or anything else. It just slows down service.
RULE 2 – MOVE AWAY FROM THE BAR AFTER BEING SERVED.
Once you have received and paid for your drinks move away from the bar. This allows other people to be served quicker and allows the pub to operate more efficiently.
There is nothing more infuriating than a group of middle class Christmas drinkers stood in a semi-circle blocking half the bar. This makes you a “BAR-SOLE” and just annoys the hell out of the staff and regular customers.
The bar is a fixed installation and will not be moving anywhere until the next major refurbishment, so you don’t need to be there all the time.
RULE 3 – YOU ARE NOT NEXT.
The bar staff do a pretty good job at remembering who arrived at the bar first and try to serve in that order, however mistakes are made.
Banging your change on the bar, Waving a note, clicking your fingers or whistling is not going to earn you any brownie points. If anything, it will put you further down the queue.
If you notice a bloke getting served before you without even apparently ordering a drink this is “Chris” He is in here 5 days a week, 51 weeks a year. (1 week away in Ingoldmells at his mate’s caravan) Chris is the type of customer who keep this place open. He pays the bills. There are lot’s of people like Chris who although at times annoy people, ensure that this business remains operational.
Pretty girls will get served quicker. Nothing we can do about that. It’s just the way of Western society.
RULE 4 – PHONES IN THE PUB
Pubs appreciate that the background music is not to everyone’s taste, but it has been selected by the guys at head office to cater to the majority of people and reflects the time of day and the ambience that the pub is trying to achieve. Playing your latest Spotify playlist through the crappy speakers on your IPhone is just going to wind up the whole pub. If you want to do that stay at home and continue to buy your beer in Tesco.
Walking backwards and forwards in the pub with your phone on hands-free is also likely to cause someone to want to drop your shiny new smart phone into the nearest pint. We get it. You have a phone. It’s not the 1980’s. Everyone has one. Keep your phone conversations private and preferably in the next town.
When at the bar ordering drinks. Put your phone away. The bar staff deserve your full attention and will move onto the next customer if you are chatting or texting away on your phone. Facebook is not going to crash if you are away for 5 minutes.
We do not charge phones behind the bar!!! – This is not a phone shop. If your phone runs out of charge, Tough crap.
RULE 5 – BUYING STAFF DRINKS
Pubs do not have any objections with customers purchasing drinks for staff members. After all it is the season of goodwill, but please remember that they cannot drink them until after their shift is over and that they may choose to save them up until they have a night out.
Do not think though that it will get you served any quicker and that you deserve special treatment just because you have bought a drink for the staff.
Asking the staff if they want a drink will not get you a date. “Would you like a cheeky shot Darlin” or “what time do you get off?” is not romantic. It is creepy. Same goes for passing numbers written on a napkin/beer mat.
RULE 6 – PACE YOURSELF
Christmas drinkers are not equipped to handle a decent session. If you come out from the office at 4.00 pm on your party and start on the shots you will not last the evening. It is a marathon, not a sprint. Mixing drinks does not get you drunk faster either. It is down to the amount of booze in your system vs the amount your body can metabolise.
Throwing up before 9.00 pm is not acceptable and quite frankly embarrassing. Trust us guys it is not a good look.
The pub accepts no responsibility for ruined clothing, unplanned pregnancies, shagging the boss or hangovers from hell.
RULE 7 – CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Pubs buy Christmas decorations designed to last for several years not from the local pound shop and therefore it is unacceptable to take down the garlands and tinsel to use for your own personal fun and to accessorise your outfit.
Tinsel does not look good in your little black dress. If anything it makes you look like a slapper. This is not TOWIE or Geordie shore.
RULE 8 – DJ’s AND ENTERTAINMENT
The DJ’s employed here are not your personal jukebox. We hire them to provide a balanced mix of popular music and to enhance the evening for the whole venue.
Do not shove a phone into the DJ’s face shouting play this. It is just rude. If the DJ is taking requests simply ask nicely.
The DJ does not have a jack socket for you to plug in your phone to play a clip from youtube that you find funny. The DJ also does not have access to the internet as the laptop processing power is needed to ensure smooth audio playback.
If you make a request do not expect it to be on next. It is bad form to expect the DJ to change the entire genre of music just because you want to hear “Despacito” Also do not try the old line “Can you play it next because I am leaving” The DJ’s job is to keep you in the venue.
The DJ’s decision is final. If they think the song is inappropriate for the night or time they have the right to tell you to “F**K OFF” Another classic line is “If you play this everyone will dance” The DJ won’t and neither will the bar staff, so that’s your theory blown out of the water.
“Play something good” is not a request.
No, you cannot have a go and unless it is a karaoke, you cannot use the microphone.
The DJ is also not a coat, bag or shopping storage facility. Keep your own shit with you.
Nominated by Lickety Clit
One hell of a cunting. And as it’s soon to be the season of misery for long term liver picklers such as myself I back this cunting to the hilt. December 1st onwards becomes amateur night. Highlights of course being black eye friday (eye of colour friday for snowflakes), xmas eve and the best 2 boxing day (quite literally in my north east homestead) and new yrs eve. Come one come all. Chavs, skanks, supermarket drinkers, factory workers, professional drinkers. Throw them all into a confined space and mix with alcohol, shake them up a bit and watch it all go fucking wrong.
13
Exactly.
Bunch of feckin amateurs, people can’t even drink right these days.
Fr. Jack Hackett KNEW…
3
@ TitSlapper
Mark E Smith is fucked. I may even nominate the cunt.
—————–
All drinkers are cunts.
Loudmouthed pains in the arses the lot of them and that is why i either stay in or go to the beach, day or night and get stoned out my fuckin banana tree.
6
Can’t personally cunt Mark E. Smith – I went to a Fall gig in a small venue in Reading Spring 2010, and standing near the front, he was pissed as a fucking fart repeatedly trying to hand me the microphone to sing Hip Priest.
Afraid, I politely declined the offer. But I took it as a mark of respect. He later stumbled off-stage and just groaned into the mic for 10 minutes unseen, while his hot groupie wife tried to beat off a stage climber with her shoe.
Glorious times.
1
Sorry, 2011, not 2010.
0
I’ve wanted to bash the cunt since my teens, hurt TitSlapper has shared dome links to his interviews and as I’ve got older, i maybe understand the cunt now and he’s just being, well, me.
I meant nominate him for the deadpool as he’s cancelling gigs due to respiratory problems.
1
BUT TitSlapper, not hurt TitSlapper
0
For your pleasure Dio.
Jerusalem by The Fall
And did those feet in ancient times
Walk upon mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
On England’s pleasant pastures seen?
And did the countenance divine
Shine forth on clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem
In the dark satanic mills?
Jerusalem, Jerusalem
Jerusalem, Jerusalem
It was the fault of the government
It was the fault of the government
I was walking down the streets
When I tripped up on a discarded banana skin
And on my way down, I caught the side of my head
On a protruding brick chip
It was the government’s fault
It was the fault of the government
I was very let down from the budget
I was expecting a one million quid handout
I was very disappointed
It was the government’s fault
It was the fault of the government
I became a semi-autistic type person
And I didn’t have a pen, and I didn’t have a condom
It was the fault of the government
I think I’ll emigrate to Sweden or Poland
And get looked after properly by a government
Bring me a bowl of burning gold, bring arrows of desire
Bring me spear, O clouds unfold
And though I rest from mental fight
And though sword sleeps in hand
I will not rest ’til Jerusalem
Is built in England green and pleasant land
It was the fault of the government
It was the fault of the government
Jerusalem, Jerusalem
Jerusalem, Jerusalem
Of government
It was the fault of the government
Jerusalem, Jerusalem
Jerusalem, Jerusalem…
1
Yep, MES would be a good call for the Dead Pool. Mind you, I would have said that back in 2007 too.
0
Yeah go for it nominate him for deadpool, Mark E Smith doesn’t have long hes been getting hospitalised alot lately canceling alot of tour dates. Last photo I saw him in he looked like absolute shite, like a corpse… so old and disheveled looking which is ironic cause when MES was in his mid 40’s he still looked fairly young like 28
@Birdman His interviews are always worth a chuckle best thing about him really. Early fall was pretty good but hes uneven as far as quality goes. Hes a anti hero in the vile music industry hardly likeable fella but admirable in a underdog kind of way. Hes knows hes a cunt and he doesn’t take his music seriously funny story@ Empire cheers
1
Who????
0
The Fall, Dio. He’s the driving force in The Fall. A teenage rock n’ roll combo. Quite a lot of people know that…
1
Mark E is the bitterest of bitter blues, but he’s also a dry funny bastard… And, although bitter, he is a true Man Citeh supporter… Unlike certain other exce box dwelling rock star cunts…
0
Magnificent cunting LC. And I’m very secure with the subject of alchohol. I think point 6 is very profound, especially when it’s the full horror show of ‘an office night out’. It’s excruciating watching it.
7
Whoever dreamed up the idea of serving coffee in pubs is a major cunt outcunted only by the cunts who order it.
Do I go into one of these wanky coffee shitholes and try and buy a pint? Do I go into a bookies and ask for a packet of fags? Do I go into B&Q and moan because there are no pork chops for sale? Don’t fuck about with the natural order I say.
15
I fucking hate Christmas drinkers. They seem to think that their once yearly visit means that the “locals” should take second place behind their pathetic orders of “a half of bitter and a sweet sherry for the wife”. The worst in my local are the Cunts who hardly speak the rest of the year,but at Christmas seem to think that they can just pull up a chair and join in whatever we locals are talking about. I had one a couple of years ago who tried to buy us all a drink,after spending the year complaining about the noise from the pub late at night. Told the Cunt to Fuck Off. The fucking incomers are a bunch of Cunts. They move to the country and then spend their time complaining about country ways.
I’m a regular and dedicated drinker,but apart from Black Eye Friday,I don’t bother going to the pub over Christmas. It really is just full of wankers.
Good Cunting,Lickety Clit.
10
A loud mouthed American holidaying in the U.K. is shooting his mouth off in a pub.
“You Brits think you’re such good drinkers, well I’ll give 10/1 odds to anyone who can drink ten pints back to back of the strongest ale this pub has. Put up a hundred pounds and I’ll put up a thousand.”
Nobody takes the bet, everyone ignores him, one guy even walks out.
Ten minutes later a bloke taps him on the shoulder and says..
“I’ll take you up on your bet” and throws a hundred on the bar.
The barman sets ten pints on the bar and he Knocks them back one after another.
The yank gives him the thousands and says “Hey weren’t you the guy who walked out, where did you go?”
“Well to be honest” he replies “I couldn’t really afford to lose a hundred quid so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it”….
13
Brilliant cunting and I’ve got some great news that I will be working nights for the entire month of December which means not only do I not have to cunt about with people I can’t stand or get caught up in busy pubs because every cunt is having their works night out but it also means I don’t get snarled up in cunty christmas traffic, 8pm till 6am means nice easy drives! 😀
4
You will have delivery cunts chapping you up with parcels for your neighbours on the dayshift, wait till they’re walking back to the van then give them some
https://youtu.be/aagMctLAYtE
I used to have to garage my car to get a sleep in peace on nights because of parcelcunt & co.
0
I don’t have a doorbell and my bedroom is right at the back of the house so can’t hear knocking, besides on the shifts I’m actually working I sleep in the wagon, it’s like 4 nights on 4 nights off.
1
Excellent cunting. Say no more. I particularly agree with the coffee issue.
3
Ban kids from pubs…not just at Christmas,all fucking year round. In fact ban any Cunt who would be willing to even consider inflicting their appalling offspring on the Drinking Public.
Fuck them.
8
Indeed. You wouldn’t allow drunks in a primary school, so why should it be ok the other way around.
5
Excellent cunting!!
Nothing to add about Xmas drinking but for me New Year’s Eve is even worse!! I absolutely hate NYE, especially midnight when the fake bon Ami in pubs hits unparalleled heights!!, much prefer to spend it with some close friends indoors, good booze and get some tunes on…..
3
Well before midnight on NYE, I’m always tucked up in bed, asleep if possible. Predictably, the wife treats the occasion slightly differently…
5
Pubs?….. Oh that ol’ social meeting place for the hard working MAN to av a few, talk shit and be real. Long gone on my street, fck you sand niggas!
5
top cunting
couldnt agree more about the coffee part would like to also add any cunt who orders a cocktail before 9pm normally done when theres only one member of staff on between the 430-630 happy hour slot
fuck off you cunts with your kentucky derby julip that takes a fucking hour to make
cunts
1
Superb cunting. It paints a great picture of a load of arrogant drunk wankers showing off to their friends/office whores.
As I don’t frequent pubs this is a phenomenon that I had not encountered. After reading this I now realise what a nightmare it must be. I do know what its like to want to punch someone.
Thank you for the cunting for giving some small relief to those who have to experience this, and to those people, I am happy to be annoyed on your behalf.
Fuck me do these twats really act like this? Cunts!
1
These cunts boil my piss. They leave a wake of destruction in their path including vomiting all over and expecting the staff to sort it out. Cunts!
—-
Donald Trump re-tweets vids of actual “peaceful” atrocities – albeit from a right-wing source – and the main focus on Cuntstion Time is the re-tweets rather than “peaceful” problem itself- which was the whole point of his re-tweets in the first place.
Only the UKIP bod – immediately shouted down as a racist, bigot, tyrant – said we need a frank discussion on this very issue, and – from the rest of the panel – you’d have thought he’d lopped his cock out in a cum tribute to QE2!
They’re in Scarborough but if that’s an audience reflective of Scarborough then I’ll show my arse in Dixon’s window.
All cheering against “peaceful” negativity.
All clapping Remoaner Umunna when saying: “Given a vote now, they’d vote remain.”
Fuck off! That’s not the Yorkshire Town of Scarborough I know and love. If it was the “peaceful” grooming ghettos of Leedsdrabad or Bradfordistan then I’d fully understand the booyah for anything pro “peaceful” and anti-Brexit.
I’m still waiting to hear a Scarborough accent amongst the shills in the audience. It’s quite distinctive and – unlike Leeds/Bradford – completely lacking in an abrupt Urdu twang!
Apologies, bloke with the white hair and a pin striped blue shirt, has a proper Scaaaarrbruh accent. He was talking sense. Quite clearly a racist bigot!
Fucking ABBC cunts!
6
They bus people in from outside the area who are questioned / vetted before hand. If you have a ABBC nearby, staff get filling the seats up and family of ABBC cunts.
They came to my town and there wasn’t a cunt me, my family or friends knew in the audience. Most of them piled out onto coaches at offski time.
2
Top cunting by the way Lickety, I’d love that pub on my doorstep.
Spot on with No7, the festive ho,ho, hoes tarting themselves with tinsel and putting baubles from the tree on their earings. Ffwd 2 hours of snakebite and theyre hollering across at each other later….”you shut up tinsel tits”.
This the season to be…
2
These scum infest my local working men’s club every New Years Eve… Old un’s and regulars who have been going for decades can’t get their usual seats because of this self serving vermin… These cunts also make a ridiculous amount of noise, they expect the singer to perform any crap they request (usually ‘Love Is All Around’ by Cunt Cunt Cunt), and they leave the place full of their shit (string spray, chicken bones etc) for the bar staff to clean up… These people are human locusts and complete and utter cunts…
3
One fairly significant compensation, though, is the entire lack of peacefuls in pubs, as far as I can tell. For once I’m glad that in that respect they refuse to assimilate and integrate. Pubs – one of the last refuges for some good old-fashioned anti sandwog racism.
4
The Foresters in Prestwich, Manchester is Pub Of The Year for me… Joey Holts bitter, decent jukebox, and a ‘No children’ policy… The wonderful sign near the door reads ‘No Children Allowed! No Exceptions!’ Which means all those uppity modern parent bitches and cunts with ‘special’ kids (ie: tantruming cunts and noisy mongs) can fuck right off…
3