A shitty fling – flinging shit.

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Liam Smith, a Bristol student (groan) went on a first date with some unnamed bird he met on Tinder. They went to Nando’s for a meal and back to his gaff to watch a scientology documentary. Nando’s and scientology in one night – an interesting pulling technique.

After the ‘top notch’, no expense spared, peri peri chicken fired up her ringpiece, she needed a dump or maybe it was after watching Tom Cruise talking about some scientology shite. Anyway, after she had laid a log, she discovered it wouldn’t flush. Instead of dealing with a floater in the normal way, by drowning the shitstick with loo roll, she instead ‘claimed’ that she panicked and fished it out of the bowl, launching it out of the bathroom window.

First and foremost, what the fuck? Clearly a classy bird, lobbing a turd out of a window, in someone else’s home. Secondly, she didn’t check the window’s orientation, so it actually got trapped in a dead space 18 inches wide looking onto another window.

At that point she had to come clean about her dirty tale and tell Liam what she had done. After investigating, he thought about breaking the window but instead she – who is an amateur gymnast – decided to lean, head first, out of the fanlight window to reach it. Well, it didn’t work and she got wedged between the two windows – a VERY amateur gymnast. So Liam called the fire brigade who after pissing themselves laughing broke the glass to rescue her.

The cost of the replacement window was £300 and he said that is a large part of his monthly budget and he couldn’t afford it. So like any ‘normal person would do’  he set up a crowd funding page explaining the whole sorry saga. Shameless or what?….who the fuck puts their digits to the keyboard advertising this sad night out?

What’s even madder is that his front paid off, since the jammy fucker raised over £2000 in ONE day, well over the 300 quid target.

It seems the pair may also continue to see each other. He must like a ‘dirty scat-ty’ sort, so perhaps next time she will just squat over him and shit on his chest or the glass coffee table The kinky pair!

Anyway, I couldn’t really decide who were the bigger cunts in this story:  Liam or the female ‘shit-putter’ or the mugs who paid for his window. So I put it down to dumb-arsed students in general.

Nominated by Mike Oxard.

 

42 thoughts on “A shitty fling – flinging shit.”

  1. He raised £2000. I wonder if he took £300 and refunded the rest? I doubt it. If I see that cunt in Bristol I’ll tell him I contributed and I want my money back, I’ll ask him if he gave her one up the ass as well.

    • They should call it cunt funding. Lots of scammers do very well out of the gullible cunts. And didn’t good old Gina Miller use cunt funding to try to fuck up the referendum result?

  2. How did she scoop it out?

    No one, unless muzzy, would pick a toalie up out the toilet with their hands, would they?

    If the guy looked after his loo, there’d be blue water everywhere also. How did this daft bint expect to get away with this?

    Maybe she blocked the toilet by doing that old trick of loading the bowl with loo roll to hide the sound of “PLOP”. That’s what i do when dumping in someone’s house.

    Similarly, anycunter ever pissed all over the side of some birds toilet and tried to wipe it up but couldn’t get rid of the wipe marks?
    Linoleum leaves streaks and if it’s a fluffy carpet, the rough clean up job would be a different shade to the rest of the carpet.

    It says in the paper that this guy is open to seeing her again.
    What a lovely bloke.

    • But did the firemen have to use their oxygen masks? I think we should be told. If this bloke wants to see her again, it couldn’t have been all that bad. Every man’s dream – a girl whose shit doesn’t stink. He can back scuttle her and leave it till the morning before he washes his dick.

  3. Happened to a mate who was first time back at his new tarts flat. Went for a slash, caught short and eased out a brown marrow. Wouldn’t flush and he knew two flushes would alert her to his laying cable [not nice or conducive to hoped for congress], so he turned out the light ,opened the window and wrapped it in bog paper before hurling it out into the night.
    He saw by the street lamp that it had landed on a conservatory roof, still wrapped and intact.
    We still talk over a pint about that ,wondering what the conservatory owners thought next morning over their coffee and croissants as to how the fucking hell a wrapped Richard got on their roof.!!!

    • Years ago, I went with my girlfriend, who I’ve been married to 28 years today, to her aunt’s house.
      During said visit I was caught short and laid what was then and probably still is the longest fattest (and best if I’m honest) tubesteak I’ve ever done. Fucking thing deserved a round of applause it was so huge, rearing up out the water it was. Looked like the Loch Ness monster. Needless to say the bastard wouldn’t flush. I kept trying until I heard my girlfriend’s voice ouside the door ” Are you alright in there” she said. I had to come clean and ended up throwing a bucket of water down the bog to chase it away. Really embarrasing …but she still married me.

  5. As for the crowd funding, their parents/spouse/bit on the side, obviously never told them to stop wasting their money on shite.

  6. She says she is now known as the “Shirehampton shit slinger”

    Always nice when something good comes out of a bad situation.

      • Still sore, Black and White Cunt.
        The swelling has started to go down and i can limp about.
        Some weeks holiday that was. One day in, done myself a mischief and ended up staying in and lying down all week.

        I maybe should have went to hospital, but i didn’t want to fuck up my stupid selfish bonkers record of not seeking medical attention for sixteen years.

        The crazy games i play. 🙂

      • Might be wise to get it looked at properly, you might ave a few bones out of place. No good having a dodgy leg when your old.

  8. Stop reffering to the persons involved with gender identifying pronouns. You need to confirm with them rheir preferred pronouns! GENDER IDENTITY FASCISTS!

    PS: What a disgusting slag.

  9. I suppose asking for a bucket of water never crossed her mind?

    Pair must be made for each other: he takes her round to his gaff with a bost bog. She fishes shit out with her hands.

    The ABBC are probably formulating a series about the whole episode right now, except it will be two “peaceful” gay men after a vindaloo. One is blind the other has no arms.

    The rest writes itself – according to uber-appeaser and ABBC luvvie Richard Cuntiss.

  10. That’s the sort of thing that would put me off a girl no matter how sexy or good in bed she is, call me old fashioned but I like a lady to be a lady no farting, drinking pints, and they should shit when I’m not abaaaaaht.
    It ruins the image of you having a classy bird.

    • Agreed B&WC, Fiona Bruce for me. Good looking milf but lay off the ABBC left wing horseshit and Antiques Roadshow bollocks, if she has to fart it should smell of rosemary and pinewood. A good understanding of the off-side rule and why Pep Guardiola is an overrated cunt would be a plus.

      • Ah Fiona, something about her. She’s got that look like she could shock you in the bedroom. Lovely.

      • Antiques Toadshow…and all similar progs.

        Load of dodgy little crims whose taste in dress seems to be Coco’s cast-offs (Coco the Clown, that is, not Chanel)

  11. Whilst on the subject of shit,
    Ain’t it a cunt when you don’t feel like a shit in the morning then you meet some bird for a drink and end up at theirs and you need a shit. You can guarantee if you sneak off and ave a shit they’ll be straight in the bathroom after you, and they’ll definitely not have a second toilet.
    Wait here it is the answer…

    https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/295342368

    • I have seen the adverts for the ‘Devils Doughnuts’ but after a few jars of Guinness and the local Indian’s Biryani its no holds barred.

    • Ah yes I saw that, the cunts! Land of hope and glory my arse! Well it could be if they fucked off that EU scum once and for all! Twats!

      So here is my tribute to the Last Night of the Cunts!

      All together now: “Land of…”

      —-

      Land of shit and squalor,
      hand-outs all for free.

      How can we extort them,
      not born in this cunt-tree?

      Wider still and wider,
      our borders shall be set.

      God, who made this Blighty,
      appeasing cunts lest forget.

      Oh, where is my Blighty?
      EU cunts and their pests!

    • May I nominate a cunting for the Proms and its Director David Pickard. The Proms is as anyone will tell you a Festival of Classical Music – however you may define Classical Music – which has since a former German Reichs-Chancellor made clear his opinion of The Queen’s Hall – perhaps he was intending to bomb Broadcasting House on the other side of the road – perforce been held annually at the Albert Hall.

      That has not stopped the BBC from this year holding alleged Proms in a derelict East End Music Hall, a Multi-Story Car Park, not to mention one as far away as Newcastle – somewhat hard on the regular Prommers, that. At the same time those concerts which actually manage to be held in the proper venue have included a Star in their Eyes Prom with imitators of Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald, a concert where the audience (of the very young) are encouraged to move around and talk and a soul night hosted by Jules Holland.

      AS The Albert Hall is so close to Notting Hill perhaps they should seek to merge the Proms with the Carnival and introduce Prommers to the diverse delights that so often accompany the Carnival.

  14. A few years ago I took up with a lovely lass who was about 15 years younger than me. She invited me up to Edinburgh to meet her parents. Her father was a lecturer and her mother a teacher. They had a lovely house and you can imagine how pleased they were when their 20 year old daughter rocked up on the back of a motorbike with me to stay for the night.
    Anyhow, after some rather strained introductions,her mother showed me to my bedroom which was on the floor above Claire’s and her parents’ room. Lovely bedroom with an en-suite bathroom and after the long ride I decided to have a shower. Claire decided to join me and we started to get frisky in the shower cubicle. As she was up against the side of the cubicle it suddenly gave way and fell out,shattering on the tiled floor. Claire ran for it,and, naked, passed her father who had heard the crash and come to investigate what I was up to.
    Dinner was a strained affair and unfortunately all the upset must have played hell with my guts. The next morning I had a shit like an elephant’s trunk. The fucker was a monster and way beyond anything that the disapproving parents’ shitter could deal with. No amount of poking with a brush thing,or drowning with extra water would shift it. So I did the decent thing and said Fuck All. I sensed that her parents weren’t that keen on me anyhow,so I left them to deal with the aftermath of a Fiddler visit…a blocked toilet,smashed shower cubicle and a daughter who blamed them for being “rude” to me. I still think that she only took up with me to upset her parents…don;’t care she was a grand fuck.

  15. I was telling my mate that my arsehole was on fire after taking a shit and dumping out the curry from the night before.

    He said “ring sting?”

    I said “How’s phoning that cunt gonna help”…..

    • Sting knows all about tantric shitting. He can have a shit for hours on end and with a wave of his hand, it disappears into a different dimension, never to be seen again. He’s still a complete cunt though.

      • How do you know when Sting is going to have a shit?

        How bout when he releases another solo album he’ll never top Synchronity with the police IMHO

  16. Few things I wanna get off my chest The current political scene in america is in complete shambles. The mainstream media is at the same time brainwashing liberals in being convinced that Trump is pure evil and literally hitler and has nazi out to kill nazis basically equals all white people. The right is being gaslighted by the mainstream media into believing he isn’t doing any of what he said he was going to do and is in fact betraying them. I believe they are gonna kill Trump very soon. The powers to be have made that publicly known and at just how much they hate him and his policies

    • Agreed, TS. After 8 years of that massive cunt Obama, you’d think the right would be sticking it to the left, just like the left shoved it in the faces of the right when they had control. But no. The left have created all kinds of conspiracy theories (e.g. Russian ties/election rigging/etc.) and the fake news mainstream media has gone along with it (huge surprise – the same media who gave bastard Obama a free pass to get him elected). At the same time, the right have turned on each other and are making it so much easier for the left to capitalise on the chaos. People like Paul Ryan, John McCain and Jeb Bush are complete cunts and are aiding and abetting the left.

      Trump’s election victory has been met with a movement on both sides to effectively isolate him and make him far less effective than he would otherwise have been had the Republicans pulled in the same direction as him. Health care reform being a prime example.

      It is a complete shambles. He’ll be a one term president. The Repubs will lose the next election. The lefty libtard whack jobs will re-gain power and the right will sit there, let it happen and whine and complain that there’s no middle ground, compromise or willingness on the part of the left to work together for the benefit of the American people. It’s an utter disgrace. Here was a chance to absolutely demolish the Democrats for good using 8 Obama years as sufficient evidence of their complete ineptitude and contempt for all things decent – and they’re fucking it up.

  17. Read in some paper today that bongo-bongo merchants all jumping up and down saying that floods in USA are “the will of Allah”…

    What a bunch of terminally in-bred psychos.
    I hope N Korea accidentally nukes some raghead-infested shitehole.

  18. Fucking brilliant cunting Mike. That’s the best laugh I’ve had on a long time. Who says romance is dead?

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