Horses on the highway


Cyclists are eternally cuntable, no argument. but today, attempting to get to a pub to meet mates, [ a worthy and eminently crucial mission],I and many others were behind a fucking great pantechnicon marked with the terrible word – “Horses”.

This piece of automotive shit was being driven by a pea-brained four-eyed short-arse tart who thought 14 mph was appropriate in a country lane and stopping every time a small car easily passed by, was necessary.

I fucking hate horses and the fat arsed bints who lollop along on them as if it was some kind of fun to hold up traffic. Apart from getting a battered minge and even bigger arse chops ,what the fuck is fun about that?

Horses have the smallest brain relative to their size than almost any other being [Glaswegians excepted] and are too stupid to move away from a fire which still makes them fucking geniuses compared to the dim-witted plonkers that sit on them as if they are somehow doing something worthy.

Nominated by trouserbulge

61 thoughts on “Horses on the highway

  1. where I luve (and the place before that) I was regularly held up ny horses. Last time I had my hands on one was when it was on a plate in Belgium…..

  2. Even worse are when the selfish, ignorant bints who, having picked up Tarquin and Jemima on the school run between 3 & 4, decide that rush hour would be the ideal time to transport said horse(s) at 20 mph so that Jemima can get some after school riding time. Cunts.

  3. I hate horses full stop.
    Used to hate the mounted police at the football, and would avoid them at all costs.
    They’re too big and its the kick i fear.
    I’m not keen on horseradish either.

    A horse walks into a bar and the barman says “hey, why the long face?”

  4. I get loaded out in the sticks so I have to deal with cunts like this on a regular basis and you’ve got to sneak past the fuckers without scaring their horses with my air brakes otherwise they report you.

  5. Horses always seem to have rosy cheeked, ugly, fat arsed, sweaty, miserable bitches riding them, i suspect its the only way they can get a good fanny bashing, what they need to do is send the horse to burger king and go on the lovehoney website, its not the horses that are the problem its the toffee nosed cunts or wanna be toffee nosed cunts that ride them…..just think fox hunting cunts and pikeys and you get the picture.

    • Funny you should mention that. Saddles are made for horse’s not rider’s.
      I went out with a girl who worked at a stables and they had one saddle. Let’s call it the smile saddle and it became an issue that young lady’s were grabbing the happy saddle and trying to put it on different nags.

  6. Don’t think I have ever seen a horse on the road that hasn’t got a line of cars crawling behind it, polluting the atmosphere. The riders should pay fucking road tax.

    • Lived in Vienna for two years.

      Nag-drawn “fiaker” / carriages all the rage with nip tourists, who seem delighted to pay 40 to sit behind a fat arse that trots round the city filling a giant nappy.

      And round St. Stephen’s cathedral, where all the nags park up, it’s just awash with piss. Stinks to high heaven.

      If you want a free tonsilectomy, go there in August.

  7. I love Horse’s and fortunately for me I rarely see them on the road so they don’t hold me up. I find Police women on Horse’s quite tasty, I imagine it’s a cunt being stuck behind them on a country road though. No worse than being stuck behind a Tractor though.

    • Come to Cardiff, B&WC… I can assure you that they put the tastiest WPOs on horses.
      Unusually, they are THE most gorgeous birds I’ve seen locally. Well fit.
      Makes me understand anyone’s enthusiasm for 12 of the best.

  8. Yeah, where I live on the coast loads of these unpredictable fucking beasts are on the road dropping their shit everywhere. One time a few years ago some soft tart lost control of Mr Ed and the cunting thing fell on some poor fuckers car bonnet who couldn’t do fuck all about it. The twat on the horse just fucked off shouting a few apologies. Keep the cunts in the fields I say. That goes for the fucking horses too.

  9. Hilarious..! I remember the days in Walker ( Newcastle ) when the Green grocer ( Tommy Shaftoe) hauled his horse drawn cart selling his veg from street to street.

    The old boys would stand ready with a shovel and a bucket to snatch the horse shite for the gardens.

    Rington,s tea was delivered by a horse drawn Handsome cab until 1956 with similar expectation, and of course Newcastle Breweries Still had horse drawn drays until just a few years ago.

    In short, in those days, we seldom saw vehicles on the roads, and every street was a football pitch, a games area, and a no fucking go area for cars.

    Do I like horses? Yes I do, particularly the one ridden by ——— who I swear to god had the biggest tits in Newcastle, no bra ( fucking tease )and nipples that stuck out like fucking Nukie brown bottle tops. Christ ! did them tits bounce.!!

  10. I like horses but don’t trust anything without a steering wheel, handlebars or brakes. It’s as if they have a mind of their own, the cunts. I do like the tight trousers of the generally young women riding them though (I’ll explain it to you sometime , Kravdarth). Occasionally though, you get a huge big fat bird on a horse and you have to feel sorry for it. I shagged a woman like that once and burnt my arse on the lightbulb.

  11. So, going by cunters comments past and present, anything that stops you speeding on the road is a cunt?

    Get a grip, cars aren’t everything and the argument about cunts not paying road tax is a load of shite.

    How much time is lost by a horse holding you up? 5 minutes? two?

    Boo fuckin hoo.

    • Boardman my friend you live close to fraggle rock. I have stomped you street’s and know your pain.
      However you have no idea what it is like to drive the country roads of this green and pleasant land go round a corner and have a ton of horse flesh supported by brown thin fragile legs with a nicely Barbour clad rider in front of you.
      Normally you get the horse through the windscreen and the rider on your roof. (All un insured)
      And you were doing the legal limit!
      Now I am telling this to you as a former Calvary trooper. I know my way around a horse. I even ride one handed! But there are too many cunts to cunt on this subject…horse boxes…it’s the rider’s mate they are fuck whits.

  12. Perhaps we are being too hard here. Without horses we wouldn’t be able to watch dressage at the Olympics.

  13. A farmer and his new bride are riding home from their wedding in a cart being pulled by two horses.
    Suddenly the older of the horses stumbles.
    The farmer says “That’s once”

    Shortly afterwards the horse stumbles again and the farmer says “That’s twice”…
    When the horse stumbles for a third time the farmer pulls out a shotgun and blows the horses’ head off.

    On seeing this, his new bride freaks out and screams ” FFS… you can’t fucking do things like that!”…
    The farmer looks at his new bride and says….

    “That’s once”….

  14. I’ve got a horse,a bruising big Andelusian. I used to have 2 but the other got hard-up so I got the kennels to come and shoot him. They also take the body to feed the hounds,so it doesn’t cost nowt.
    I’ve grown up around horses,we always had them. I used to hunt,but that was years ago,now I just keep the horse because,well, I’ve always had one about the place. I know that they’re not everyone’s cup of tea..bite at one end,kick at the other,and the bit inbetween can be a bit of a Cunt too.
    However, it’s not the horse that’s the problem,it’s the silly Pony Club types who cause the problems. Most of them have no experience with horses until Mummy and Daddy get a bonus at work and decide to try and fool people into thinking that they are “County” by getting little Fenella a pony. They pay god knows what for some scrappy little pony.lessons from some butch old growler,and livery. The only trouble is,they actually know fuck-all about horses or the accepted etiquette when riding. For all their Range-Rovers,fancy tack and pretend accents…they are,dare I say it ?, New money putting on an act. People who actually know horses are not the kind to be holding traffic up,mainly because they tend not to have to be on public roads because they have access to private land.
    Now that my inner snob has vented…Cunters should never turn up the chance of a fuck with a horsey lass. They have muscles that could crack walnuts and tend to always be up for it. I put this down to their fanny constantly rubbing against the saddle as they ride. From the age of 16 to 35 horsey women are insatiable,stick yer hand down any set of womens’ jods,and she’ll be moist. After 35,they tend to start smelling and looking a bit like their horse,but if nothing else is available I wouldn’t rule them out.

    Fuck them.

    • Fucking great advice there Dick. As a young lad I knew a lass who rode horses and used to “come” quite regularly on a canter. Any of the lads could have a feel of her hairy snatch and it was always , as you say, moist, warm and very nice to play with.

      I got the chance to nosh her once, and apart from the odd bit of straw in me gob, it was very nice and tasty.

      No better site on the fields than a young gal bouncing up and down mashing her clit!

      • Can’t say I have,Lord B. I have seen saddles that must have been like sitting on a broom shank,usually on some blood weed of a thoroughbred piloted by a terrified young girl while Mummy and Daddy watch from the sidelines. People forget how important a suitable saddle is when controlling a horse.

  15. Is it me or does that cunt on the GTech cordless vacuum adverts sound like a dopey cunt? He is the designer apparently, Im not buying something off a dopey cunt the thing might blow up. That Dyson cunt can fuck off as well.

    • Believe it or not, that dopey cunt has made millions. But wouldn’t you think he could afford an actor to plug his vac?
      Anyway, as you rightly say, he’s a dopey cunt

      • I have to admit they look pretty good but as with anything with batteries it’ll soon be shit. Expensive as well.

  16. I know the cunting is for Horses on the highway but you cannot cunt Horse’s… Many a battle has been won by Horse’s and if I was alive 1000 years ago I would have a massive black and white horse and any cunt being a cunt would get trampled on then get a nice chop with my Sword not in that particular order. Can’t do anything like that these days can ya, what a cunt.

  17. I live in the country and don’t have a problem with horses. Just use a bit of patience.
    I will say this though:-
    I had a ride on a horse once and everybody kept shouting ‘look at the cunt on that horse’
    Silly fuckers, it was a stallion.

  18. So…..
    My dog shits on the road and I get a bloody great fine if I don’t clean it up
    But….
    My horse leaves a great big steaming pile of horse shit on the road, and that’s OK???

    Am I missing something here…?

      • There were reports of deaths caused by the feacel contamination so they probably don’t do it now but it used to be quite common practise for the Chinese to empty out the village slurry pit and use the crap to fertilise the fields.

        One of Mao’s detractors was drowned in a slurry pit. Nothing to do with him of course – but must be a crappy way to go…

  19. The worst is when they ride 2 abreast and don’t move, and even worse are those fucking “POLITE” high viz things made to trick you into thinking they’re cops.

    Cunts

    • Update: the cunt’s now fucked off back to Brussels saying he “still doesn’t know what Britain wants.”

      How thick can you get?

      BRITAIN WANTS TO LEAVE THE EUROPEAN UNION, YOU CUNT!

      Get it now?

  20. Horses? I’ve been done for driving furiously at horses. Lots orf Tarquins and Charlottes riding the fuckers doine me neck orf the woods. Me tip orn encountering a horse doine a single carriageway? Pull in to let it pass then as it does so floor the accelerator to generate lots orf juice. Dumb fuckers very sensitive to electrical discharges so buck and panic to flee the ‘lightning’. Get your timing right and Tarquin or Charlotte are catapulted over the hedge guaranteed.

  21. A cunting:

    The Labour Party at Conference
    One orf the pleasures orf keeping up me connections with Brighton is conference time and the opportunities it affords for personal cunting. The Labour Party and its fellow travellers? What a shower orf cunts. Saw Keith Vaz slugging its way through the security zone and swear to God it left an oozy trail orf slime behind it and the Brighton seagulls tried to get a peck at its arse. “Vaz! You’re a cunt”. It simply slithered more tightly in to its shell.
    Next up Claire Short looking very old and quite alone. Had a few kind words with the former member orf the awkward squad now dematerialized in to a ghost orf composites past haunting the seedy corridors orf old fashioned socialism. Whiffy old cunt on her. Nothing sadder than a cunt that knows it is a cunt and has gone to seed.
    “Starmer! You’re a cunt”. Involuntarily turned to look at Yours Truly. “Starmer! You’re a twisted conked cunt “ – and he is too. Starmer followed by a gaggle orf cunts with EU flags wearing blue ‘Bollocks to Brexit’ T shirts. Card firmly marked.
    Spent an hour or so mooching about spotting the new generation orf the goggle box “Oh it’s that cunt “ cunts. Cunts without names that one day, oh horror, may prove unforgettable. No sight this time aroinde orf The Dark Side, the Blairites and the Mandelson Sect but will be in a dark dungeon somewhere (Brighton has many) knotting and gendering. If that way inclined go here:
    http://goddessofsalvia.co.uk/brighton-dungeon/
    Always sad to see the old card carrying cunt socialists, older and fewer by the year. Did spot ancient little Walter Wolfgang being helped to stand near the venue. Cunters may recall how the decrepit old cunt was Sieg Heiled by security staff for daring to ask an unscripted question a few years back.
    So back to me motor (disabled badge, only way to park in Brighton cunts) through the throngs orf party hacks and activists orf yesteryear, the blue suit brigade with their Conference badges, the baggy titted researchers nipped oit for a quick fag, cunts with leaflets supporting the Palestinians, a coupla vast dykes with silver bunny ears screaming while getting their arses and fannies licked by a local dog (respect to that dog). Not to forget the TERFS demo (Trans –Exclusionary Radical Feminists cunts). Worth noting Old Bill oit in force and quite happy to allow Yours Truly to trundle me old shopper with drain rods sticking oit (looking remarkably like the barrel orf an H&K PSG 1) in and oit orf the security fencing .
    Happy days.

      • Remember seeing Walter Wolfgang dragged from his seat in the (half empty) conference room at the time – justified on ridiculous grounds of prevention of terrorism or some such trumped up nonsense.

        It happened during a speech by war criminal Jack Straw, if I recall correctly. Thought at the time it could be beginning of the end of democracy…

  22. Fucking Horses, long nosed, big arsed, 2 ton idiots, and thats just the people who ride them!
    I utterly despise the four legged cunts and the over privileged bell ends that ride them. Am i alone in wishing the Crispy pancake came in three flavors, Minced Beef, Chicken and Mushroom and Shergar?
    Not only as as car tax payer do i have to slow down and give them 15 miles passing distance in case the arseholes are somehow scared by me, but their only contribution to the roads is to shit all over it! Quite apart from them having their own ancient Bedford lorries that only do 4 miles an hour and are always driven by the same identikit ruddy faced fat woman wearing a body warmer, which unbelievably is faster than the horse but somehow causes more delays, they literally have no place in any modern society and should be left in a cold field to rot. Progress? taking the horse as a model for society, we should all go back to listening to the wireless radio and all have rickets. Horses, cunts. i should have killed the lot of em when i had the chance………..

  23. Rainer Schoeman is a complete cunt….but who the fuck you may ask is Rainer Schoeman?

    He’s the cunt who drove at a teacher (probably also a cunt) on the school run because he was told not to park his shitty VW on school grounds.

    Although the chief cunt on this occasion was Rainer Schoeman, the whole “school run” culture needs a good fucking off.

    Fat women, fatter kids, awful parking, selfish behaviour, cunts, more cunts and twats like this dubiously named fuker make me puke.

    To finally top this whole episode of cuntness off, he had no insurance, no MOT and was a complete cunt.

    • Unusually badly-behaved for someone with a krautish name…

      Wonder if he was some german-speaking Romanian gyppo type.

  24. What I’ve noticed is that there is a distinct North/South divide when it comes to horse riders and – outside of sports – I’ve only seen ladies ride them.

    Oop North they are of the “farm hand” looking variety with the Rubenesque form to match.

    Darn Sarf they are gangly stick-insect types who quiet clearly spend more time grooming their horses of a morning than themselves.

    You used to regularly see a brace of mounted police nonchalantly trotting around that well known hotbed of criminal activity – the cricket ground…

    That’s all they did. Bet it costs a few grand each time the cunts decide to go out on them – usually on a mint day, middle of summer.

    Meanwhile, not 1 mile away, in a known trouble zone the last time that estate saw a copper, Robert Peel was in charge of the Met!

    Cunts!

  25. Dyson is promising an electric car…

    £300-. for a Dyson hairdryer, so might fellow cunters like to hazard a guess at the likely cost of said eco-carriage ??

    I shall put my order in for a three-wheeler Morgan electro-fanny-magnet (EV3); I doubt if I’ll pull anything significant, but I shall enjoy playing Toad of Toad Hall…

    Will Dyson’s go-kart suck as much as Emma Watson or JK Rowlinginit ?

    Dyson is a cunt.

    • If it’s like his fucking vacuum cleaners it will be as much use as a dry wank on a wet weekend. We junked our Dyson, just useless and a mate of mine bought the cordless and said his dead granny sucks more. How he knows that I didn’t ask.
      Dyson is talking this car up ,secret factory with 400 people for two years working on revolutionary design. Will it do 450 miles, recharge in ten minutes and carry five plus luggage ? , no of course it bloody won’t.
      Man’s a cunt.

      • The last para makes me think of Hitler and their Kraft durch Freude waggon.

        It took the end of WWII, and intervention from a team from the LSE to turn Volkswagen into a working business.

        Secret factory?? I bet. Will the workforce ever see daylight, or get a decent burial at the end of the shift. Bet the wages are (non-existant) secret too

  26. It ain’t them there Orse’s fault it’s their cunt owners and riders.

    I live in a little village (and not the council house end I’ll Ave you know) and you should be here in the ‘Hunting Season’. These cunts regularly are in full regalia, stupid little horn in hand and chase them-there little foxes.

    It drives me fucking nuts, I hate these privileged cunts with a passion.

    Perhaps we could have an ‘Immigrant Hunt’. Wait for the cunts to fall from the underneath of lorry’s axles, smear them with fox poo and say “run dogs run” and hope they get ripped to shreds?

Comments are closed.