Modern Advertising

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I would like to nominate modern advertising for an accumulated cunting; this fucking shit has been festering for years and it is high time that the phenomenon as a whole was covered in these hallowed pages.

Let’s be clear – adverts have almost always been annoying. There is the odd funny one or the odd ‘clever’ one. But on the whole, they are, and always have been shit. Unfortunately, advertising execs have taken increasingly bolder steps in recent years to not only up the cunt-ante, but try their level best to burrow inside your fucking skull; no longer with the aim of telling you about their product but like all things in the modern age, geared towards getting noticed and getting attention, usually via hashtwatters.

Trying my best to summarise this as succinctly as possible (and failing), consider:

1) The endless regurgitation of 80s songs – no matter how irrelevant to the fucking advert – with these eye-gougingly annoying breathy waifish cunts murdering them beyond recognition. Most of these acoustic cunts sound like crooning asthmatics… just who decided that this should be the backing template for every fucking ‘thoughtful’ add? Too many songs to mention that have been ruined by this type of ad; ‘Wonderful Life’, ‘Welcome to the Jungle’, ‘You Spin Me Round’ are a bare few examples… don’t get me wrong, many of these tunes were shite in the first place, but adding extra layers of fucking hipster appeal just makes me desperate to time travel and swap places with Belsen camp detainees circa 1942. Anything to escape this particular brand of torture.

2) The whole Hashtag #LOLZ-type fucking branch of ads. Filed under this category are mammoth examples of cuntitude such as Moneysupermarket’s dancing woofters, Compare the Bastard Meerkat, Confused.com… noticing anything? Yes, always the same type of shit comparison and insurance site. they have nothing tangible to sell so instead, buoyed by millions earned from their online ad revenue, they attack you relentlessly with such fucking #LOL creations as operatic Welsh cunts and stuffed Russian rodents. In fact, one of my all-time fantasies involves being locked inside a real Meerkat reserve compound, a 20-gauge sawn-off Remington and unlimited fucking buckshot.

3) Any advert featuring ‘yoof’. Any advert with any kind of 14-20-year old since 2008 always, fucking ALWAYS, depicts ‘street level’ with that fucking backward Jamaican-Bangladeshi hybrid patois of utter cuntdom; even when said youths hail from white-middle class Barnstaple or Windsor. What the fuck? Is this normal now? For every fucking kid in the land to sound like a tryhard cross between Ali G and Tim fucking Westwood? Fuck off, and take your cunting ‘fam’ with you. Remember that Galaxy ad with the innit rapper and the crooning waif sounding off in the recording booth? Oh, and talking of fucking which…

4) That bastard, Christing, OTHER fucking uber-cunt Galaxy advert with the CGI Audrey Hepburn. This fucking abomination has almost been going on as long as the Hillsborough aftermath. Please, make the fucker stop.

5) This more recent trend of using sounds and close-up noises (read up on ASMR) to almost drive you to distraction and grab your attention. Examples include that supermarket ad which had ultra-loud close-ups of cows chewing grass, and Crunchy nut adverts where the mic is almost inside the chomping fucker’s mouth. Fucking disgusting and excruciating at the same time.

6) Ads which attempt emotional manipulation. These range from saccharine stuff like that dead dad advert from McDonald’s a few weeks ago and the Paul Whitehouse weird undead shit advertising Aviva; right through to the starving African charity ads that hit us from time to time. Nothing however caps cuntlords like Ewan MacGregor lecturing us to dip into our pockets for UNICEF, while that cunt furiously wanks over his £50,000 appearance fee for the privilege of giving you the sermon. Cunt right off.

I’ve probably lumped in several cunt-worthy examples into one congealed cunting, but Christ. Modern ads instantly turn my piss into scorching hot vapour.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back.

40 thoughts on “Modern Advertising”

  1. It’s adverts that have made me stop watching the majority of commercial TV. Totally agree with the stupid fucking adverts with yoof, if that’s a snapshot of our future, we are well and truly fucked.

    Those ads for teen online clothing companies like BooHoo and River Island make me laugh, do people actually go out dressed like that? It’s like Ray Charles had a rummage in their wardrobe and threw some stuff on the bed.

    And if there are 3.7 bn women on the planet and every one is different, why does that jam rag company only make 4 different types? Lazy cunts.

  2. Great Cunting. Not to mention the cunts that think these ads up. Square glass wearing hipsters donned in their best suit jackets and jean combination, Equal to the pond scum that is the Estate Agent.

  3. No mention of the fucking meerkats then? A sub-cunting is required for Simon Greenall (Michael the Geordie from Alan Partridge) who provides the voices for the meerkats.

  4. Great cunting. As Bill Hicks said if you’re in advertising, go home and kill yourself. The breathy, acoustic versions of classic songs is a kick in the tits and soul destroying.

  5. Top cunting and well deserved. I’d like to add all gambling adverts to the list. The country’s already fucked without encouraging the masses to think they can get something for nothing. Gambling ads should be banned, and the cunts who appear in them should have a pineapple publicly shoved where the sun doesn’t shine. Cunts.

  6. Well cunted. Can I make special mention of that cunt James Corden parking sideways. I would like to park the car sideways up his fat arse.

    • Christ, as if Corden couldn’t be more of a cunt, he goes and does those fucking Confused.com adverts. Not exactly sure whether that bloke with him is supposed to be a PA or some weird subservient sex slave, but the pair of them deserve to be cunted all the way to the obituaries.

  7. Thank fuck for the remote control. Soon as the ads come on the sound goes off. Anyone listen to LBC? Fucking hell there are more fuckin ads than chat . On the other hand probably not a bad thing where O’ shithead is concerned.

  8. Actually, I came across some meerkats in Namibia on a recent jaunt. They’re much smaller than you think – squirrel size – and quite cute. But the cunts come from Africa not sodding Russia.

    I never watch commercial telly live. Either record it and fast forward the ads or just wait for the series to finish and download from where it comes with the ads removed.

    Moneysupermarket is actually quite a useful site, but their ads are shite. I’ve tried Compare the Market, and that’s even more shite than their ads…

  10. The corpulent Corden should be bludgeon with a wheelie bin sack full of his own shyte.

    His master crime is being Corden; a talent free wobbling arsehole who seems to have found much popularity with those pointy heads over the pond. Fuck knows how. I have more talent trapped under my foreskin.

    His other crime is driving that lovely classic Mercedes-Benz like a complete wobbly bell end.

      • Just read the feedback from their satisfied customers…

        “No better place to chill after a busy day’s genocide” – P.Pot, Cambodia

        “Room for a whole weeks shopping, plus TWO bodies in the boot” – R. Mugabe, Zimbabwe

        “I wouldn’t be seen dead in any other make of car” – H.Goering, Berlin

        “You don’t feel a thing if a pleb falls under the wheels” – I.Amin, Uganda (or could be fucking anywhere!)

        “It’s really, really fast” – J.Clarkson, Chipping Norton

  11. its the assumptions the people who make this shit make thats fuckin annoying. they assume that we all just luuuuuurve our James or our Gary that they are somehow ‘ national treasures’ . fuck off out of it !. who the fuck told you that?. i just look at those ads and think those twats got more doing that ( a couple of hours ‘ work ‘ at the most ) than a nurse earns in 5 years.

    • “they assume that we all just luuuuuurve our James or our Gary that they are somehow ‘ national treasures’…”

      Indeed. Walkers especially appear to be wholly oblivious to just how despised Lineker is in many quarters, since his very fucking ill-judged foray into social justice warriorism.

      One of the biggest fucking laughs I had in years was that recent Walkers advert fuck-up that led to Lineker holding up pictures of Fred West, Rolf Harris and Myra Hindley. Could not have happened to a more deserving, or apt, cunt.

    • I dont disagree with calling people national treasures but we should all vote every year to see if they are still national treasures.That would mean true national treasures such as Sir Michael Caine Sir Bobby Charlton Sir Roger Bannister Dame Vera Lynn Dame Olivia de Havilland and Dame Shirley Bassey would all be fine as they have all contributed to this countries creative and sporting outlook in a remarkable way and they havent pissed on their legacy by spouting social justice bollocks.

      • If there was a public vote on who are National Treasures, the phone obsessed, Twatter loving, X-Factor watching mongs would vote for cunts like Adele, Crosseyed Cheryl, the ‘Black Lezza’ (copyright ABBC) from Doctor Who, the fucking Beckhams (including that smear of shite, Crooklyn), Wighead Rooney, and Lily Mong… It would get hijacked by chavs and retards….

        Real Natiional Treasures? All the ones Shaun mentioned… Plus Ian Botham, Mick Jones (the Clash one), Jimmy Greaves, Ray Davies, John Cleese, Tom Baker…

      • Oh, and the thick cunts would also vote dead people as National Treasures… Like Saint Jo Of The Holy Cox and Saint Caroline Not A Husband beater Pisspot Of The Blessed Merton…

      • I’ve seen Claire Balding described as a ‘national treasure’. Claire. Cunting. Balding.

        This obnoxious fucking trout-sniffer has no fucking talent, insightful or incisive reporting style, nor any real knowledge of anything aside from fucking horses. All she does is bark the obvious in a faux-alarmed style.

        Once saw her trackside asking a gasping, wheezing 800m runner if she was ‘tired after that’, with no trace of irony. What a fucking behemoth of a cunt.

  12. Don’t mention fucking ads to me… Fuelled by a gutfull of Dog’s Snout and spurred on by a set of blue-balls, I decided to emulate The Milk Tray man The objects of my affections were,for some bizarre reason known only to my steaming drunk self,the lesbians who had bought a holiday cottage on a farm a couple of miles away. Don’t know if I planned to watch them in action together or attempt to cure them of their lesbianism but whichever it was,it was unlikely to be appreciated. They’re a pair of retired civil servants who I originally took to be poofs due to their remarkable resemblance to Cpt. Mainwaring and Pte. Godfrey from Dad’s Army.

    Armed with a half tin of Quality Street left over from Christmas (I dont like the nutty ones) I set off to woo these two glamour pusses on an old Massey Fergie fore-end loader tractor,with the dogs running along behind thoroughly enjoying the unexpected 2 o’ clock in the morning outing. They were baying as I gave it full volume on my rendition of ” There’s a bridge by a stream, Nelly Dean”,unfortunately that’s the only line I know,but by fuck between me,an old tractor with a dodgy exhaust and the dogs we were putting out some decibels.

    We roared our way down my track at a breakneck 15 mph,stopping only the once to attempt to close the gate that we had just reduced to kindling as we had forgotten to open it…. Fuck the gate, I was in the mood for loving. As I neared the tarmac road it struck me that my neighbours have never been too keen on me,so I’d best play sneaky and turn out the one light on the tractor which had survived the encounter with the gate,or they’d probably shop me. This was a mistake,admittedly not the first of the night,but certainly the most devastating. As I barrelled round the junction onto the tarmac,the fore-end loader clipped the stone wall and dragged me and my passion-wagon into the ditch. The tractor was bellied half in the ditch and half in the stone wall spewing steam and oil…. Realising that loving was probably off the menu due to my slightly dishevelled appearance and lack of transport I fled the scene.

    • That’s a treat the Dear Ladies have yet to experience,Mike..I must admit I’ve never drunk Dog’s Snouts since and until I chance on some drink capable of having the same terrible effect, they’re probably safe…..Poor,deprived lezzas don’t know just how close they came to enjoying love as practiced by a slightly concussed,thoroughly drunk,old dog-fox…… Is it fair of me to deprive them? Probably not,but what they’ve never had,they can never spend the rest of their lives trying to relive. Cruel to be kind,cruel to be kind.

  13. I fucking hate averts with a passion.

    The worst ones at the moment are those cunts spouting “poetry” for the money grabbing grease stains at Nationwide. Fuck off you cunts.

    Ones I’ve really hated over recent years include anything by McDonalds, the BT broadband big teenage dumb fuck chatting up hopless middleclass totty over Internet speeds one, the Tesco dumb family ones, PPi ads, Ambulance chasing ads and fucking online gambling shit.

    Anal discharge the lot of it.

  14. The adverts around Christmas are a particular cunt, sofas, beds sodding carpets. Who wants to queue up in the cold at 6 in the morning and fight you way through hordes of cunts when you can be in the warm sleeping off a perfectly good hangover?
    Would be great to see some of the old un-pc ads from the 1950’s today, smoking Santa on the health benefits of Lucky Strike cigs, the Robertson Jam Golly and cocaine tooth drops. If you attempted this now the pc thought Nazi’s would accuse you of every ‘ism’ and ‘phobe’ under the sun.

    • Worse than the commercial adverts are the ones for ITV’s treasure trove of utter shite on multiple shite channels.

      Programmes designed for window lickers.

  15. I’ve given up on TV almost full stop.
    Jacked in Sky and as I have no aerial on the roof there goes the loathsome bbc and itv etc.

    When I do catch an advert it’s normally one putting men down or some equally inane one with a lovely mocha skinned family that just doesn’t fucking exist in numbers that they would have you believe.

    Fuck adverts. Fuck the bbc. Fuck tv.

  16. TV ads are bearable when I’m fast forwarding the cunts at nine trillion miles an hour, but what gets up my hooter is the endless fucking shite on tinternet. Fucking great loud ads over the entire screen and those wankers who when you’ve done them the fucking honour of clicking on their website instantly bombard you with shite about the site that is getting between you and buying something ,so click and it’s on to the next, fuck you.
    I have ad blocker but the cunts still try to get through whining that we need ads to keep going as if I give a flying fuck ; it’s making the web a really tiring experience, ‘people who looked for shirts also looked at this’ ,a fucking motorbike or some craven bollocks that has fuck all to do with shirts and why do I give a steaming toss anyway.
    Fuck ’em and their shitty ads and poxy bleating about how did we do, fuck off and die you wankers.

  17. Wondering where Birdman is. I miss his moderating and calm viewpoint. 🙂 .

    • I’m up in your loft.
      You really must clean up here.
      There’s old chains, whips, anal beads and peanut butter everywhere.

      • There’s also a hefty hire charge,payable before you make use of the facilities. A signed photo of you stuck up Moira Stewart wont cut it this time.

      • Does ‘use of facilities’ include the mummified old woman in the rocking chair that’s in the far corner ?
        And whats with the barrels of acid, long arm rubber gloves and laundry pincers in the outhouse ?

      • That’s no “Mummified old woman” . That’s Amanda Holden. Just drop a copper coin in her slot and she’ll love you long time.

  19. Adverts are total bollocks!!!
    I never watch anything live!!
    Everything’s on the sky box and I simply blow the Cunts off!!
    😂

  20. Some believe adverts to be powerful, subliminal, persuasive tools.
    Not me.
    I’ve never been influenced ever, apart from an ad promoting the Titanic exhibition, which made me go out and kill 1500 people the next day…

  21. I remember reading the original nomination for this. Made me laugh then and did again now.

    Excellent cunting Empire!

    —-

    The thing which does my head in isn’t just that they’re irritating but they’re tantamount to telling lies too!

    My favourite lie is Carlsberg: “{Probably} the best lager, in the world.”

    Well I’m sorry, stick “probably” anywhere you like in that sentence and Carlsberg just isn’t in the top 30 lagers and I fucking hate lager to begin with, and even I know that Carlsberg has the look, taste and drinkability of maiden’s pittle!

    “You can’t get better than a Kwik Fit Fitter!” – who says???

    And daytime ads are just “claim this, claim that, blame everyone else but yourself for being a dozy cunt” cheapo shite for settee dwellers!

    Ads were shite and obtrusive even back in the day of the 1 commercial channel but at least they had a little originality to them. Nowadays adverts appeal to the lowest common denominator of snowflake wazzaks or Jeremy Kyle crew!

    • Smashing cunting.
      Modern advertising is most definately a cunt.
      Mind you, most modern types of everything are a festering pile of vaginal scrapings too.
      Call me old fashioned….or just an old cunt.

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