Essex celebrity

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A bit of an impromptu cunting for the Essex-ification of British fucking TV. Apologies in advance if anyone hails from Essex – before arranging my lynching please remember that this cunting is exclusively reserved for ‘celebrities’, presenters and assorted wannabes.

With that out of the way, let’s start as we fucking mean to go on shall we – this phenomenon has been the scourge of free-to-air broadcast viewing across the last 3-4 years, principally due to ITV’s bargain basement output. It seems to me that Essex has disproportionate representation on mainstream TV – why? These fuckers appear to be the most fame-hungry of any in the UK. Reality TV is flooded with them – and watching these cunts wrap their infuriating estuary vowels exaggeratedly over every fucking word drives me Tucker-esque; constantly fighting the manic fucking urge to tear off my eyelids, scrunch them up and use them as earplugs.

The obvious, grotesque, enormous elephant in the fucking room – no, not Gemma Collins – but the shitty fucking wankfest of a programme which gave birth to her, TOWIE. The excessive posturing from these cunts demands militant torture methods to be employed on the fucking double. I once worked with a guy whose nickname was Arg. This programme is so toxically cuntish, that I consigned this otherwise decent chap as an extreme cunt, purely due to the association with his TOWIE namesake.

Christ have mercy on my cunting soul, if only it stopped there. TOWIE is just the resultant reality TV verruca on the diseased footprint from this Essexification; marching unstoppably across prime fucking time TV. Everywhere you fucking look – Jeff Brazier, Stacy Solomon, that frumpy shitcunt who won X-Factor, Adele, Olly Murs, Joe Swash, Mark Wright, Ferne McCann, Joey Cuntfuck, Dominic Littlewood (that bald fucking dwarven cunt truly makes my shit hang sideways!), Dermot O’Leary, Russell Brand, Jade Goody (don’t rest in peace, you thick fucking cunt), Alan Davies, endless Apprentice contestants…

The sheer cuntitude on that list alone is more radioactive than weapons-grade plutonium. But special mention must go to professional slut and all-around shitcunt, Katie Price (as well as her equally-diseased imitation, Jodie Marsh). This fucking cunt, even relative to her Essex brethren, is a stratospheric cunt of biblical proportions. The epitome of zero talent trash with tits, I was hoping we would see the last of her when her but no – a few pay-cheques from Loose Stool Women ensured her necrosing baps were fixed up, and she is back in the fucking saddle, like some kind of shitcunt Terminator.

Last word to Rylan Clark. Holy fuck, this insufferable cunt – complete with almost cartoon-tier veneers and an appetite for shirt-lifting that even exceeds his obvious inspiration, George Michael – really sums up everything that is wrong with modern TV, full stop. Someone who pretended to want to be a shit singer, simply as a gateway into TV stardom. This man has less talent than a paraplegic with locked-in syndrome, and arguably less appeal. I cannot begin describe the sheer brutality that I wish upon his person every time the camera flashes on his blindingly bright Hampstead Heaths. Hopefully the midwife slapped this cunt’s mother repeatedly for unleashing such a fucking excremental smear of a human being upon the world.

TV ‘personalities’ from Essex, you are all high-ranking cuntlords.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

67 thoughts on “Essex celebrity”

  1. hahahahaha brilliant cunting sir
    live in oz these days so only familiar with a few of these cunts,thank fuck, but the ones i do know are without doubt pure shitcunts

  3. Fuck knows who these cunts are. There’s enough weapons grade wankers living here fucking up my life already, without me needing to brush up on these ones.
    For Birdmans information though: going by Empires description, these Essex faggots could comfortably fall into the category of Bogan.

    • KC. Bogans are pure Aussie! You, in our most eastern state have ” Dags “.
      PS. Am just back from Queenstown, what a place! Just awesome.

      • If Bogans were only in Aussie I’d be a happy chappy. If any coloqeolism fits it would be “westy” not “dag”.
        Anyway, the point is moot. Bogan, Westy, or (apparently) Essex types, they are all cunts.

  4. A long overdue cunting ECB, like your work. On the subject of shit stains from the county of Essex, a couple more.Drug addled, wannabe ‘political activist’ and all round pikey tramp, Russell Brand is a huge cunt. His nasal whiny voice along with the truly ignorant shit he spouts and the platform he is given make you curse the day he was spunked out.

    Fat ox tongued mockney ‘celeb’ chef Jamie Oliver with his shitty plastic overpriced food and a penchant for scaring his kids for life with truly retarded god awful names can fuck right off too. Naked Chef? Tar and feather the cunt then stick him in a gibbet on the end of Southend Pier.

    • Holy fucking dogshit, Jamie Oliver too!!!

      In cunt terms, that’s like adding prime Pele to the already unstoppable Barcelona squad of 2011.

  5. Just a load of lefties promoting bumery and the benefits of emotions over reason

  6. Yet another reason for blowing out broadcast telly. None of these nauseating shitstains actually does anything, except talk about themselves, to each other, while a lobotomised viewing public sits in a kind of envious trance, thinking that this is what constitutes glamour, style, or class.
    Talentless, pointless “look at me” cunts need to be used for target practice, coinciding with the re-introduction of napalm, cluster bombs and Dumdum bullets…

  8. Nice cunting TECB…….
    Unfortunately I was born Essex, smack bang in the middle of towie county ( Brentwood, Loughton and Woodford etc) and it’s always had more than it’s fair share of Cunts!!, a large percentage of the population pass themselves off as wide boys, car salesman , promoters of something or another, everyone’s got a little number going.. The TV production companies have identified this as a target rich environment!, reality TV is cheap to produce and with Essex overflowing with talent? ( using the word loosely) it’s a perfect fit..
    I remember when real stupidity was first celebrated, jade goody was on BB and thought east angular ( east anglia) was in fact in Spain, everybody laughed??, the TV executives took note, if the people want stupid we will give them stupid!!! Since then we have plumbed the depths, Jackie goody ( jades mum) even got on CBB!!! , how the fuck is that dim witted cunt a celebrity??, she’s not but what she lacks in celebrity she makes up in stupid!! , called to the diary room she’s told she faces a dilemma?? ” err sorry what’s a dimela?” Perfect….
    Towie is the jewel in the festering turd swamp that is reality TV, from the musings of Britains thickest Cunt joe Essex who actually thought reindeer antlers were made of wood!! , to his dim witted cousin who’s huge white veneers make her look like a fucking beaver in a syrup who thought the sun and the moon was the same thing??
    It’s all been down hill really, and as much as we take the piss it shows no sign of abating…
    It’s cheap TV staring a tsunami of Cunts devoured by stratospheric Cunts who have encouraged and supported it….

    • Indeed Quislings,

      The fact is there is no point feeding pigs cherries if they are happy with shit

      • Like it DB….👍
        Or as my grandad used to say ” it’s like feeding strawberries to a donkey” that always made me laugh……

  9. Really cheered me up today, some really ( exceptionally ) funny and great postings!!!
    Turd Swamp…..! Fucking brilliant!

  10. Whilst out driving be on the look out for Essex registered vehicles, the vast majority are driven by morons. This may sound a sweeping generalisation but it’s actually borne out by experience. Beware !

  11. Piers Morgan was born in Surrey, but he did do his journalism “training” at Harlow College in Essex – does that count?

  12. This is probably a well deserved cunting but I am a smug cunt who has no fucking idea who most of these cunts are. And I intend it to stay that way by avoiding trash tv.

  13. Isn’t that Albarn cunt and the rest of those Blur knobheads from around there?
    Blur are from Colchester? Colchester cockneys? Fackin Parklife? Cuntry Arse? Piss poor Kinks, Small Faces, and Syd Barrettt impersonations? What a load of bollocks… Anyway, they’re still cunts…

    • Talking about blur I distinctly remember Alex James wearing a German national team football shirt in a video?? What a complete cunt! What sort of Englishman would be found dead in a German shirt??, maybe a fuckin pretentious Essex cock head? Oh look at me being all European and shit…. CUNT…..

    • Albarn is from the East End but moved out to Essex as a child.

      That was not me backing up Albarn, he’s a prick.

  14. Rylan Clark Cunt is the celebrity cunt famous for being an exhibitionist poove good at nothing media prostitute incarnate…

  15. Witnessed that Ryan Clark on This Morning today getting all excited about trimming bushes first time I think I have seen the guy, have to ask does he use some sort of nuclear fuel to clean his teeth with, thought the TV contrast had gone wonky at first but no his teeth are that white.
    Just wondering if when he smiles his grin, can it be seen from the international space station.

  16. Rylan Clark he is a mega cunt……
    Interestingly have ever seen him in the same room as Bingo from the banana splits……?
    I thought not

  17. Fuck me lamnot,I saw them there gnashers too.I bet the cunt could eat a tomato through a tennis racket with them teeth……………….cunt……………baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah(c)

  18. An Essex girl crashes her car and calls the emergency services.

    “I need an ambulance, I’ve crashed my car into a lamppost”

    “Are you OK?”

    “Well I managed to get out of the car but there’s a lot of blood” she replies.

    “Where are you bleeding from?” asks the operator.

    “Romford”…..

    • a vaguely Essex-themed joke…
      Jean Harlow once met Margot Asquith, whom she insisted on addressing as “Mah-gott”

      Lady Asquith’s reply was “The T is silent, as in Harlo-w”…

      Does anybody remember the documentary “Educating Essex” ??
      “What is pi, and where does it come from?”. Just imagine the nasal , whiney voice emanating from some gormless bint’s facial orifice…
      I felt so sorry for those poor bloody teachers, I really did.

  19. Excellent cunting there The Empire Cunts Back … well deserved in every way.

    I’ve got enough concrete to effectively pave over Essex from Colchester to Grays. All I need is a few volunteers and a lot of elbow grease and these cunts are history. I figured we could place the heaviest concentration of steel reinforced concrete somewhere around Basildon or Southend as that seems to be where the majority of these witless cunts hail from.

    I’m sure there are some decent human beings in Essex somewhere. Unfortunately they’re surrounded by these mindless gobshite cunts everywhere they turn.

    I went to watch the Amateur MMA at the Charter Hall in Colchester recently and you should have heard the cunts in the audience. Every fucking one of them were loudmouth cunts who couldn’t stop talking for long enough to hear what the other cunts they came with had to say … which was probably just as well because they too would have been just as fucking egocentric and Estuary-oriented as the other cunt. I’d have happily taken a flamethrower to that audience. I swear not one of them actually went to watch the fighting … they all went because of the glaring opportunity to talk even louder than fucking usual, at more people than usual. Either that or they were hoping to get swept up by some ‘talent’ scout looking for the next big-mouthed cunt from Essex with a 10/90 brains to money ratio.

    The whole fucking lot of them are cunts and so are the useless cunts that continually provide them with viewing figures.

    And Rylan Clarke needs a fucking wrench to the head until he stops twitching, the cum-gargling cunt.

  20. Cum gargling cunt. Nice one Billy, that sums the revolting plastic toothed turd burglar up a treat.
    Fucking Jamie Oliver too…Jesus. A mates son worked in one of his poxy overpriced
    restaurants for a while and one day Oliver put in an appearance for publicitys sake (They’re all franchised so the cunt doesn’t actually set foot in them normally) and apparantly as well as being a top grade prick, he also stinks. Complete with filthy black fingernails..nice.

  21. I’m happy to see rylan clarke getting a thorough cunting, the only thing that shines as clearly as his teeth is his complete lack of talent!! Seriously how is this cunt getting away with it??
    Clever repartee? No! Interesting Conversations ? No! WTF does this 24 carat weapons grade twat bring to British TV??
    Without a doubt one of the most annoying Cunts to ever darken our television screens…….

    • Rylan Clark Cunt is obviously taking some TV executive schlong up his muck chucker to get on the telly… And the BBC (British Bottybashing Corporation) is celebrating 50 years since gay sex was decriminalised…. Do a programme – or even a whole night – on it, sure… But loads and fucking loads of them? Featuring every whoopsie cunt on the TV (Mark Gaytits, that poof off Sherlock etc)? Fucking hell, the celebrations for the 70th anniversary of VE/VJ day and the defeat of Nazi Germany (and those Jap cunts) got less coverage and funding…. I bet The Queen’s death and funeral will get less coverage than these fruits…..

      • Just reading a DM article on the Battle of Passschendaele, 100 years on Monday. Not seen the listings for next week so cant be sure ABBC will show any programmes, but you can bet Rylan Clarkes butt plug it’ll be no where near the coverage of the smorgasboard of flag waving turd burglars over the last week.

      • Could not agree more – fucking nasty sad battles these people did for all and no cunt on TV will even recognise it. Apart from some whore from the ABBC maybe doing a cross over mentioning it for zero minutes then saying how marvelous it is some unknown has won in wheelchair swimming. Or Rylans new fucking tan.

      • I is a gay and I agree. The ABBC literally wanking itself stupid over the anniversary of the decriminalising of gay sex. A lot of nonsence! It used to be illgeal and now it is not:end of.

        The LGBTQIJFZBFUFHGB lobby is now an ultra left cultural marxist think tank. No one else is allowed an opinion. The pendulam has gone too far the other way.

        As for non-binary: What a load of wank! non-binary trans? Made up foo foo.

        I once snogged a black man so I ain’t a rrrrrraaaaaccccciiiiissssttttt.

  22. Don’t get me wrong cos I’m about as far from posh as you can get.(born and living in Portsmouth) but talking of Essex people in general, you can spot ’em a mile away because they can make anything or any occasion look tacky.

    • Not Leigh Park, I hope!

      As for Essex “slebs”, they’re all fucking talentless cunts, all of them.

  23. That cunt Rylan Clark appears to have borrowed a set of false comedy teeth from Dick Emery’s vicar character.

    Ironically his demeanour has more in common with Dick Emery’s other character Clarence ‘Honky Tonks’, remember the old chocolate speedway rider?

  24. i’ve noticed no one has mentioned that King of Essex cuntishness Sir Chris ( nobodys fool , never have been , never will be) ‘ Spivey. must be a bit worrying for him, he’s rapidly becoming an irrelevance, not that he ever had much. maybe i’ll stop mentioning him myself. lol.

    • I believe his is currently writing yet another enormous tome about some thing or other. You can bet your bottom dollar that should it see the light of day ( his record of actually delivering promised massive tomes is piss poor) it will contain about 10,000 photo shopped pics which prove fuck knows what.

  26. looks like a ‘peaceful’ has been bringing his own brand of peace to Hamburg. Once again.

    “A 52-year-old German man was stabbed to death in an Edeka Supermarket. A 50-year-old woman and four men aged 64, 57, 56 and 19 suffered stabbing injuries. A 35-year-old man was injured while tackling the attacker, police said.
    Police spokesperson Timo Zill said a kitchen knife was used in the stabbing, which he described as “indiscriminate” and “totally unexpected.”
    Police identified the attacker as a 26-year-old man born in the United Arab Emirates, but his citizenship was unclear.”

    How unexpected huh?

  27. Essex should be given over to Sharia law. I’m only too willing to go and help our peaceful friends chuck a few pooves off a roof,stone a few rubber-lipped slappers and behead a few mental defectives. That should be the TOWIE cast completely exterminated.

    • Gemma Collins in a burkah? You would need a truckload of material to cover her giant cat flap…..

  28. Police are advising people to avoid some area in London where “Protesters” have taken over the streets. The police have withdrawn from the masked,bottle-throwing mob. The protesters are upset about the death of another “lovable rogue”. Fuck withdrawing from the scene,the police would be in quick enough if it was a “Right-wing hate mob” (a white,working-class,hetrosexual march),but seeing as it’s a bunch of gollies looking for an excuse to loot a few shops,nothing will be done.

      • Alack and alas, I believe it was rebranded as the “Police Service”…
        When I lived in Switzerland, the French defence ministry phoned the Swiss Air Force to alert them to a potentially dodgy plane heading for Geneva.
        They got a recorded message…
        “We are available between the hours of nine and five”
        So, if you want to invade and stock up on cheese and chocolate, you know when to do it…

      • The answer to your question is a police force run by the likes of Cressida penis!! ……..
        The only thing the police appear to do nowadays is harass motorists!!, mostly white ones of course as they don’t want to be tagged as racist!!…

    • The police are only interested in motoring offences and supposed “hate crimes” against the peacefuls, anything that involves getting off their arses and working up a sweat is off their radar. Get the SAS in to sort out these rioting cunts.

  30. Just finished watching Trainspotting2.
    Fantastic filum.

    A few months ago, some of us were cunting nostalgia, and i know that i gave the opinion that nostalgia was shite.
    Well fuck me, what a brilliant nostalgia trip i took tonight.
    I even applauded the titles. Clap, clap, clap.

    I got it for ten pounds in Morrison’s today, and knowing how brilliant the filum is, that’s a bargain.

    I’m now hungry for more nostalgia and will be watching some Vanessa Del Rio after i brew up.

    Nostalgia is NOT a cunt. 🙂

    PS. Norman, there’s a cool ‘homage’ scene to George Best that you’ll like.

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