“For survival in the wild, you can’t beat a good curry with the film crew!”
I am an expert on what’s known as bushcraft. I was taught about the outdoors from a young age by my Texan granddad and his Apache best friend (Native Americans are among the best people to learn this sort of thing from). I also learned a fair bit about the subject whilst serving in the Army. I even spent the last four years of my career serving as a jungle warfare instructor in Belize. But I’m only an expert because I’ve spent years practising my skills. These dicks think they can read a book and become an instant expert.
This was perfectly demonstrated earlier today. I went out for a walk in the woods behind my house. They’re quite big these woods, and one of the places I use for my wild camping trips. Near to the river that runs through the middle, I encountered two such cretins. They’d actually done an adequate job of setting up their tarps and hammocks but they were doing a piss poor job of getting a fire going. This was mainly because, despite the open book (Ray Mears) they had no idea about the correct way to build a fire. They’d all the gear though. Shiny, new stuff like a small forest axe, bushcraft knives, survival tin, med kit, etc. There was no tinder or kindling, just four large logs, about 8 inches in diameter and twice that long. They were wondering why they couldn’t get them to light. Did I mention that there was a shit load of dry grass all over the ground? Well I have now. As I’m sure you’re aware, you do not try to start a fire in an area that has that much combustible material on the ground.
So, I got them to clear the entire area that their camp was in, keeping some to help with starting their fire. To be fair, they were actually quite good students. And after only an hour, they had one of the logs ablaze. I advised them to do a bushcraft course and then went on my way. If I hadn’t been there though, they would either have started a massive forest fire, or they’d still be trying to get a fire going now.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve encountered an increasing number of people, usually young guys, who buy all the gear, and the books/DVD’s, and have absolutely NO idea what they’re doing. Sooner or later, someone is going to be seriously hurt because these dumb fucks haven’t the first clue what they’re doing. A book can’t tell them how sharp a knife or axe can be. And none of the books I’ve seen have mentioned the importance of practising the skills they demonstrate. I’ve been out hiking with my wife in the lake district, Cumbria and the Pennines and seen people hiking wearing jeans and trainers. No map or compass, just a fucking smartphone app. One idiot even asked my for directions to Ladybower dam. We were in Cumbria at the time.
In some ways, it’s good that people are taking more of an interest in the British countryside. I just wish they would clue the fuck up before heading out.
Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw
likewise people who gain military expertise from reading books and watching war films, I dont mind them getting killed its the poor sods who belived and followed them I feel sorry for.
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You’re bang on the money QDM. Ray Mears, Bear Grylls and Lofty Wiseman should have a perma-link in the Dead Pool. I laughed till I pee’d when that antipodean cunt cashed in his chips, a sting ray barb through the heart; fucking classic, and well deserved. Trouble is: it made room in the schedules for the latest crop of wanna-be zombie killers to have their fifteen minutes of fame. My idea of good bush craft is to get down the garden centre in late autumn for the end of season sales. If it comes down to eating worms after the apocalypse then I say: “fuck it!” take your well honed bush knife and open a couple of veins -length ways- and down a bottle of finest single malt. Good way to go; survival involves too much effort.
Amateur bush-crafting is for cunts.
Good Cunting is for Cunts.
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My idea of good bush craft is to go down the grow shop for some more Jack Herer seeds.
Where does the idea come from that you have to suffer in order to enjoy the country side? Whats with all this getting wet and eating dirt? I’m off to Yosemite, Grand Canyon and Monument valley in the next couple of weeks. Am I going to hike and live in a tent. Am I fuck! I’ve hired a nice convertible mustang and will be staying in hotels with indoor bathrooms and nice comfy beds.
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Aye, and id recommend a well stocked mini bar matey
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I spent some time in the middle east installing irrigation plant on the Lebanese border.
We had a number of guys working with us who were ex military and were highly capable in going out to the canyons for the weekend and camping out under the stars.
I joined them at one point and discovered what a cunt raw nature can be.
We had to ditch camp at about 3am because a wild boar came snuffling around and we legged it to Higher ground and sat shivering until the sun came up and we could clear up and go back to our digs.
Apart from that, I spent a lot of time running like fuck away from the local wildlife.
Camel spiders that can outrun a grown man, scorpions galore, two types of snakes, both deadly, fucking massive hornets, bed bug infestations, flies that bite and draw blood and finally the Asian wasps that are 4″ long and can put a grown man in a coma.
I have never been so happy to see a Sheraton hotel after nine months of that shit.
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I worked in Oman for several years, out in the desert. I actually quite liked it, the quiet beauty. However camel spiders are cunts, harmless though they are ( do not believe the stories of Bedouin having their faces bitten off by them ) but really ugly fuckers the size of your hand. I once saw a show where the cunt grylls actually eat one of the fuckers, which made the silly sod gip. He said it was the worst thing he had ever eaten, which is hardly surprising as they are the most fugly fuckers on the planet.
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They used to scare the shit out of me.
The Asian wasps were terrifying. One of the locals got stung and his arm came up like a balloon.
I still have nightmares about being chased by the cunts.
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My middle east experience was Saudi. Worked on the construction of a military base the size of Yorkshire between the empty quarter and the Yemen boarder. Kommelschpidders -as Klaus called them- would eat the soft parts of the face: nose, ear lobes and lips, their venom acted as an anaesthetic so you never saw the fuckers coming. A hot truck in the desert night was like a snake magnet; the fuckers would curl up under the sump for the heat and woe betide the forgetful Cunt who didn’t back up twenty feet before jumping out for his morning piss. Some Cunt in England sold sand to the Arabs, I kid you not, silver sand from Blighty was imported through Demmam because there’s was the wrong type of sand. Funny thing. When I look on google earth there’s no sign of the tank range, the missile range or the barracks just bore hole farms, but the ‘super secret’ military air strip is just visible.
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I forgot the ‘Shick’ beetles -size of yer hand- that came in at zero feet sounding like one of Adolph’s buzz bombs. Early morning sport was twatting them with a number two round mouth shovel; sort of wildlife base ball.
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Sorry, that thing about camel spiders injecting anesthetic and noshing on your ear is an old wives tale. They are fucking horrible though.
http://www.camel-spiders.net/myths.php
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All that effort to make sure I was fully wrapped in my sheet was wasted then. The fucking cunts! I bet they still laugh at my expense..
Cunts.
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Bear Grylls is a fucking arsehole, he couldn’t survive a week if all the shops closed. fucking prick!
I do have a lot of respect for Ray Mears though, the best of the survival cunt brigade.
Don’t even get me started on Bruce Parry, now theres a BBC cunt of epic proportions,
Steve Irwin, fucking criminal descendant bastard, got what he deserved, the antipodean cunt
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Steve fucking Irwin was a cunt of the worst kind. He played himself as an animal conservationist but really all he did was fuck around with the poor cunts, if anything his shows were nothing more than animal cruelty. Its poetic justice that it was while fucking around with one of these beasties he managed to get killed, and you have to try really fucking hard to get killed by a sting ray. Shame he wasn’t bitten in half by a great white. Cunt.
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Crocodiles are cunts. Saw loads of the vicious bastards in Aus. The salties are the worse. They lie in the water and indiscriminately attack anything that causes a vibration in the water. No evaluation at all – they just kill whatever comes near them!
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Salties are cunts, it’s true. But the cunt Irwin had free will, he chose to be a cunt.
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Steve Irwin – killed by a sting ray wasn’t he ?? You can bet he wont be the last poor cunt to be stung by something with big flaps that smells of fish ! Haha
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Any reason why my comment is awaiting moderation?
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None as far as I can see. Doesn’t seem it should have been caught. I’ve released it as you’ll see…
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Thanks Dioclese.
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Nomination: All 18 contestants on ‘The Apprentice’…
They will no doubt be deserving of individual cuntings, but I’d like to kick things off with a pre-emptive strike by saying that all 18 of them will, undoubtedly, be appalling cunts.
Vain, self-important, egotistical, brown-nosing, back-stabbing, money-grubbing, talentless cunts.
If I was in charge off the BBC then (apart from being a colossal cunt) I would apply the following format to the show:
Each time one of the cunts gets fired by Lord Cunt, when he says “you’re fired” instead of pointing at them with his pudgy little digit, he actually pulls out a gun and, holding it sideways like a real badass, double-taps the cunt in the face.
Then after Sugar has wasted 17 of the cunts, the final cunt gets “hired” and breathes a massive sigh of relief… just before Karren Brady pops up and garrotes them from behind using her own G-string.
THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!!!
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In charge of the BBC…. There’s a thought….
Bring back TOTP: with any autotuned ‘singers’, anybody without a proper band, and anyone from the Cowell stable automatically banned.. End NeverEnders by an atomic bomb dropping on Walford… Wipe out all those Z-List cunts in stupid costumes,and call it Strictly Come Gassing…. Do a proper Sherlock Holmes, and not that Benedict Humperdinck version… Poison that old bag, Mary Berry in the Great Bastard Bake Off.. Make Dr. Who as good as it used to be: Daleks viciously kill Clara, Missy, River Cunt Song and every other gay or multiculti cunt that now infests the show… Oh, and have Amy Pond return and wear saucy underwear in every episode…
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And bring back the Testcard and sack Jools Holland…
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Amy pond is a fox, best thing about the current show shame they killed her off. I’d like to drink her piss right from her cunt hole its been fun chatting but I gotta go drink some piss now Its my job. I LOVE PISS
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I asked the Internet, that’s a gold shower fetish.
Surprisingly popular, so drink away and fill your boots! Some say it has health benefits!
Back on topic, a great nomination for the Apprentice, not only are the contestants the biggest pile of pseudo wannabe management cunts arselicking the fuzzy haired prune faced weasel, Lord Sucre.
Margret, Nick & Karren are all cunts too, and if that was not bad enough, produced by the fucking BBC
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Funny you should mention that Norm. Mary Berry is the new Marie Antoinette…..the world is going to fucking hell, but let them eat cake. Bread and circuses for the masses.
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Grylls is a fucking hooray henry cunt… His name alone says ‘CUNT’ in giant Hollywood sign style lettering…
I hate those bellends who attempt to do this sort of shit in winter… These pricks usually get caught on top of a cliff or down a hole, and then some poor cunt who works for air-sea rescue has his Xmas dinner interrupted to get some stupid, selfish cunts out of the shit…
As Mr. McKay said about a prisoner on the roof in Porridge: ‘Let him sweat it out! And when night falls, let him freeze it out!’ Stupid, thoughtless cunts…
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Oh, and of course the taxpayer has to fork out for these needless winter rescues for these cunts… Bushcrafting? More like Bushwhacking… I’d birch the fucking lot of them…
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I believe mountain rescue teams are made up of volunteers, probably true of underground rescue teams too.
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You mean they go out to help these cunts for nothing?
They should let the stupid fuckers freeze to death…
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Someone making fun of my survival skills and me eating a gourmet meal behind the scenes? Better Drink My Piss then and I might drink piss but at least I’m not dianne abbott.
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Have done more than a spot orf camping in Austria due to family connections. First thing you notice about the country is how green it is, then you notice all the Syrians and the Romanians ect ect. Ever since the Nazis they have had this thing about the outdoors. Woodcraft, marching songs and all that bollocks. Now the immigrants have picked it up and from time to time I have been asked for the benefit orf me wisdom accumulated over the years. What mushrooms to pick ect ect and always do me best to help. Very tasty and recommended for all cunts:
http://msutoday.msu.edu/_/img/assets/2008/photo-of-poisonous-mushrooms_lg.jpg
http://news.images.itv.com/image/file/487364/stream_img.jpg
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You’re not catching me out this time y’crafty old bugger, it’ll be that fuckin Abbott in the buff doing a spread eagle selfie.
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tumboo fly are cunts, the little fuckers lay their eggs on wet clothes or fir hatch on your body and burrow in.
That nasty painfull mozie bite soon turns into a puss oozing volcano with a little white head in the middle that seems to pop up and withdraw on a regular basis, next thing you know you realise you have turned into a fish bait factory with very sizable maggots coming out of you.
How do you get them out? well cover the hole with vasoline and when the barstard trys to surface, squeeze under him and the fucker pops out!
prevention is easy, tumble dry or iron your clothes and it kills the eggs, however the dog was to big to go in the dryer and would run away when we tried to Iron him so he suffered teribly from the cunts, another fond memory from west affrica.
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Holy fuck yes. The guard dogs we had were loaded with fleas and ticks.
I took pity on one of them and let it into the shade of my room.
Big mistake. I spent the rest of the afternoon twatting ticks the size of a small grape with a work boot and then mopping the blood off the floor.
One of them actually squirted 6′ up a wall.
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Everybody knows that the wildlife of Australia is trying to kill you. All of it, most of the time.
‘The Cunt’ (me aged 14) gets told that Redbacks can jump a metre in any direction, from a standing eight-legged start, before giving out a guaranteed fatal bite. The local cunts have loads of fun winding this one in, so by the time I saw one for real I did the only rational thing available; I shot the little cunt with a 12 gauge!
Bastard sense of humour those Aussies.
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Google have a different kind of “Bushcraft” if you disable Parental Control. ….. much more interesting though some of them are a bit revolting 🙂
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