Christmas [25] – Open thread

Posted on by


The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2017 p.c. edition…

  1. And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
  2. And he sayeth unto her “How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?”
  3. And Mary did quiver, and replieth “An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God’s child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings”
  4. And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying “That’s the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch”
  5. But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph “I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig”
  6. And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
  7. And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying “I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs”
  8. And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying “Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need”
  9. And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. “Taketh no notice,” sayeth her benefactor. “‘Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali” 
  10. And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
  11. And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
  12. And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth “I see three kings!”
  13. And the first sayeth “Shit, girl, you been through it, ain’tcha? Have a swig of this..” and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
  14. And the second sayeth unto her “I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins” and handed her a Franc and some Cents
  15. And the third sayeth unto her “Ah eh! I’ve nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out”
  16. And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
  17. And the donkey in the corner brayeth “Eee Ore! It’s a fuckin’ miracle…”

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 “We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car.” All rise…

(Shamelessly nicked from Dioclese’s blog)

97 thoughts on “Christmas [25] – Open thread”

  2. Superb.

    Merry Christmas fellow cunters and all the best continued cunting for 2018.

    And bring on COTY!

    • This is what I got Fred:

      “This content may contain material flagged by YouTube’s user community that may be inappropriate for some users.

      To view this video, please verify that you are 18 or older by signing in. If instead you would prefer to avoid potentially inappropriate content, consider activating YouTube’s Restricted Mode.”

      Thanks for the censorship Goocuntle!

      a) I will *NEVER* *EVER* sign up to your bastard site, nor affiliated sites.

      b) Stop asking for the location of my fucking phone to be switched on you fucking Stasi cunts even when I just go to your main fucking page! FUCK!
      OFF!

      c) Funnily enough I had no problem in looking up several “peaceful” cunt videos extolling death to the infidel on YouTwat! But that’s alright isn’t it.

      Also who is this “user community” which is having all the say on what’s appropriate? No doubt a bunch of “right-on” snowflake cunts with the life experience of a fruit fly! Well they can fuck off too!

      Googlecunts the site the just keeps on picking away at the freedom of speech! You fucking cunts!

      • I got that too through Firefox on mobile. I also get the location shit when I go onto google maps.

        I was warned years ago to never install any google product like chrome, gmail, earth /maps, play, YouTube etc as they are all invasive beyond belief and like viruses. A full format / flatten required to eradicate them from your system as they lurk within various programs and applications.

        If I remember correctly the worst was when you use google for searches and you let it install a toolbar…game over.

        I used to use alta vista and Lycos but I think they have all been bought up, probably by google or company’s who were later bought up by Google.

        Are there any good alternative search engines out there?

  6. And the great wise man James O’Brien appeared before them and said…..”you must journey to the land of Londonistan in the great empire of Europa. There you will receive much food and shelter and untold benefits from the people known as Muggy Taxpayers.”
    “ Your praises will be sung by the high born people known as Rich Bastards though they shall be as strangers to you.”
    “Thou may be troubled by the wicked people known as Brexit who are the enemies of the high born people and the great empire of Europa. Let them trouble you not as they will soon melt away like snowflakes in the morning sun.”
    In Londonistan thou shalt prosper from the great empire of Europa so go forth and multiply…..and multiply……and multiply. The future shall be yours!!” sayeth the wise man O’Brien.

  7. Great cuntings for 2017 and with Brexit trade deals ‘proper’ to start in 2018 I foresee many more cunts on these pages. Merry Christmas to all you cunters, good will to all men, the LGBTQ community,and those identifying as gender fluid, non binary or brussel sprouts.

      • Indeed DF, is Fiddler Towers a Yuletide bastion of merriment or are the dogs still chewing over the carol singers?.

      • The merriment’ll start when that old Cunt,Santa, delivers my Christmas wish of Gemma Arterton trussed up like a Benard Matthew’s Bootiful Butterball Turkey….until then I’ll have to make do with Pornhub and a pot of goose-grease.

    • Oh dear, I’ve just had a horrible thought…

      Just as we have seen the snakes swarm & squirm at every turn in their quest to derail / reverse brexit which has only weakened or stature in brokering the withdrawal, I envisage the stamping of feet as each trade deal and stronger relationships are formed with others outside the EU.

      I hear the ” No, we cant deal with this country as they did, done, do, are going to do this and that and we can’t deal with countries that behave like this”.

      The excuses will range from things such as historic happenings that maybe didn’t even happen as claimed, eating pork, views on gay marriage and any slightly racist comments made by people of such countries.

      Anything to shoot the countries survival in the foot and slow us down.

      2018 will be the year of the hindering cunt.

      • The remoaner scum have been bitching all week about the reintroduction of the blue passport, whinging that only old bigot cunts care about it. Personally, I don’t give a fuck what colour it is (except rainbow, too much already), but these remain cunts, with their constant whining insults, such as the “wall of gammon”, and how everybody who voted leave either because they believed a bullshit quote on a bus, or are just a bunch of racist pensioners can get fucked. Maybe if you live in the real world, pay tax, and you manage to make it to middle age, you might just think for yourself, instead of social media driving your opinions. Then again, thanks to a shit education/liberal brainwashing maybe not…..

      • On that note GJ I came across this gem – from a guy writing to his MP regarding passport applications – funny as fuck.
        Passport Application
        >
        > Dear Minister,
        > I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
        > understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
        >
        > How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Bournemouth has my address and
        > telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in
        > 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on
        > what date?
        >
        > How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
        > Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I
        > have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you
        > still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with
        > contractors working for the government?
        >
        > How come the TV detector van can tell if my TV is on, what channel I am
        > watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the
        > government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will
        > keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
        > Do you people do this by hand?
        >
        > You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one
        > with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on
        > my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports
        > I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out
        > before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and
        > all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the
        > electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our
        > lords and masters are up for re-election.
        >
        > Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead
        > on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was
        > Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if
        > that ever changed between now and the day I die!
        >
        > I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you
        > and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then
        > you ask me for my address!!! What is going on? Do you have a gang of
        > Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture.. Do I look like Bin
        > Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want
        > to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach in Barbados for a
        > couple of week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.
        >
        > Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Christchurch and
        > get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND
        > to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated
        > to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new
        > passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make
        > sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with
        > our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on
        > the goddamn picture – you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile
        > in, in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
        > Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!
        >
        > I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years
        > at the Ministry of Defence in London. I’ve had security clearances which
        > allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime
        > Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been
        > doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the
        > Services. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am –
        > you know, someone like my doctor… who, before he got his medical degree 6
        > months ago, WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN!

      • Feel like giving up when I hear shit like this. Insulting, unnecessary and illogical bureaucratic red tape.

    • From Wikipedia – “Those who identify as Rohingyas typically reside in the northernmost townships of Arakan bordering Bangladesh where they form 80–98% of the population. A typical Rohingya family has four or five surviving children but numbers up to twenty eight have been recorded in rare cases, they have 46% more children than Myanmar’s national average.” It’s hardly a couple of down and outs having a single child in a Bethlehem stable… it’s a full blown invasion from people who don’t like you. They want to take everything you have, destroy everything you’ve made and give nothing back. It’s a this point I’d like to announce a new Christmas appeal, I’m raising money to help relocated these poor souls. This madness will never stop until we forcibly start relocating these types next door to the liberals – I’ll eventually send 500,000 of them straight to Vatican City, and another 500,000 straight to Surrey / Brighton / Shoreditch. But I’m going to start with a lovely family of 28 and send them straight round Lilly Mongs palace. Anyone want to chuck a tenner in?

    • Some deranged cunt who lives in a gold house with a gold hat telling thick cunts to be more benevolent. Get fucked. When the other mob have the numbers, they are going to sack the shit out of the Vatican, so it really is turkeys voting for Christmas.

      • Yes but the gold hat is to stop the aliens from detecting him.

        See no flies on that cunt eh!

    • With a homo Bond who blasts a Black homo up the bakey in the course of pursuing an evil man and his corrupt government, media reports from ABBC & Sly News™.

      Exploding gadgets dispensed by a peaceful Q, fabricated using egg timers from Argos.

      The film ends in failure of the mission where Bond is successfully captured and beheaded by a nine year old sandwog.

  9. Lily Allens’ boyfriend says he gets a blow job on Christmas day but she won’t swallow, so he has to shoot his load on the window and let nature take its course….

  10. Turned on Radio 4, knowing that it wasn’t going to entertain me, but Dec 25th requires desperate measures…four wimmin chattering. Turned off Radio 4. Prerecorded unimaginative boxticking PC shrill entitled smug bourgeois CUNTS.

    Harpy (sic) fucking Christmas.

  11. Latest snowflake fuckwittery, God is a rapist because Mary didn’t give consent for sex. Give me a fucking break.

  12. Taken from BK’s earlier posting;

    “A full blown invasion from people who don’t like you. They want to take everything you have, destroy everything you’ve made and give nothing back”.

    Everything you need to know about Peacefuls in a nutshell (or 25 words)

    Cunts every single fucking one of them.

  13. Another disappointing Christmas. A year older, more ear hair, still working because I haven’t won the fucking lottery, Tony Blair still at liberty and not suffering from a terminal illness, and the BBC still have the right to screw me for cash for a propaganda service I don’t use. Cunt. I’m starting to think this santa bloke is a myth. Still, plenty to look forward to in the next twelve months, Tango man versus Rocket man in the WTF(world truly fucked) series Armageddon play offs. Less democracy, thanks to parliament taking back control from the thick cunts who voted them in. can’t wait.
    Anyway, hope all you cunters out there are having a good day. Merry Christmas!

  14. From a battle hardened old cunt who has survived more Christmas Crapolas than the rest orf you have had hot dinners some sage advice.

    1) Do not spread Good Will. The fates will throw it back at you.
    2) Do not shag the wife. The old mare will only expect more orf the same usually in period so unless you have a predilection for the aroma orf rotten fish and are aroused by mucous and blood ensure you are drunk and incapable over the entire festive period.
    3) Do not eat any Turkey, Chicken or any other fresh (sic) meat products bought from a geezer known as Mick the Chick punting it ahrt from a clapped out white van in the car park orf the pub.
    4) If you have then enjoy your stay in A&E over Christmas.
    5) Do not eat any fresh (sic) meat products served to you by catering staff during your time as a guest orf the NHS.
    6) There is no point in observing hygiene rules whilst a guest orf the NHS because nobody else does.
    7) There is no point accepting antibiotics and further compromising your immune system because all the bugs aroinde at Christmas are already antibiotic resistant.
    8) You will feel more profoundly sick than you thought humanly possible but consider that a bonus. Death itself is a walk in the park in comparison, I know because I have been present at many.
    9) A old soldier’s tip.To avoid blistering orf the arse hole following repeated evacuations the regular use orf aloe vera impregnated wipes is recommended. Note this tip is also endorsed by Krav Darth for certain Festive Pastimes.
    10) Do nothing to promote the enjoyment orf others during the Festive Period. Remember you are a cunt.
    11) The Festive Period may be put to good use. There is no better time to go oit orn the nick. Police response times are non-existent and front rooms are groaning with expensive presents bought on credit.
    12) The Sales follow on immediately after Christmas offering the perfect environment for a spot orf shoplifting.Remember you are thieving for Blighty. Get in there before the Romanian beggar cunts.
    13) Under no circumstances wish Diolclese or Shaun a Merry Christmas.

    • Sir Limply, hats off sir

      Point 9. Invaluable piece of advice.

      my sphincter has for years griefed me, if I was to draw it it would closely resemble a tattered wind sock.

      Then one day whilst shopping in Aldi I picked up a pack of 4 bog rolls that stated ‘with Aloe Vera.

      Only £1.49 for 4 and looking quite luxurious I thought they’d be worth a go.

      So several months on I no longer have to sit on a rubber ring to get comfortable and I feel like one of those roller skating birds on a tampax advert!!!

  15. I always thought that the nativity was bullshit. We all know god has only sent one of his godly children to earth and that’s Bono and what a good job his holiness is doing helping airlines, shopping malls and accountants involved in tax avoidance. Each year I have a little wooden crib that I place a baby Bono in it makes me feel very religious
    and sing
    Away in a manger no crib for a bed
    The little lord Bono lay down his sweet head
    The stars in the bright sky look down where he lay
    The little Lord Bono asleep in the hay

    • There’s a version of that crib and baby for the blind.

      Its very similar aside the provision of a Baby Geldof cunt complete with realistic unwashed smell, instead of the self righteous Bono cunt.

  16. A merry crimbo from the heart of rural Spain.
    No gimmegrunts, rapeugees here except me!
    Just happy, white, Christian people, all be it not C of E but who is now days.
    Very proud Englishman who could not stand to live in what has become a shit hole. So sad its not the country I grew up in. ( I’m 56 3/4. )

    • I’m in rural Bulgaria, just happy white Christians here too! Apart from my kids who were not Christened, so being the good parent I am relentlessly tease them that santa won’t be coming as they are not Christian thus why would they observe a Christian festival. I’m good like that, very modern parenting I reckon.

    • Sir Mali

      Were it not for the fact that I
      have a much younger wife and 12 year old son at secondary school I would have bought a house to live in Spain by now, living off the rental of this one.

      Fed up with this once wonderful country favouring those who have contributed nothing but want everything.

    • I would happily vacate to Spain had it not been for my current predicament and fears that the Spaniards will turn on expats, plundering and robbing their wealth then their homes.

      Spain could do worse than leave the EU and the Euro, reverting back to its own currency in order to boost its tourism. I fear it won’t be so popular post-brexit.

      I have a friend with property and land in Bulgaria near Rousse, tells me everything is cheap and without peacefuls.

      Quite attractive but I’ve still got some fighting years left in me after I recover and I’m not quite ready to surrender and turn my back on the country that our ancestors fought to provide me a safe childhood.

      It can’t be far away, likely following brexit when migration isn’t limited enough.

      • Sure is good value living here, we are way down south, bit too near the Turkish border now that Erdogan seems to be going off his rocker. Oh well. It has its disadvantages though but the positives outweigh the negatives.

        If one can arrange a remote working arrangement or start something online then I don’t see the need to stay in the UK. I am in contact with plenty of digital nomads and folk that have relocated to sunnier, cheaper living and more tax friendly climes sans peacefuls.

        The UK is no longer as I remember it 30 years ago and many switched on folk will move away when they realise that they can.

        Why live in a bedsit in slough and do shift work at a factory for just above minimum wage when one could do something online and live elsewhere, better, on the same income?

      • So why do the cunts still want to come here in their 100s of 1000s? Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Not that it ever did much. Apart from music, but now even my ears are fucking shot!

        Just caught (accidentally) a bit of the Queen’s speech for Kravdarth and the terminally infantilised.

        Fuck me.

        MERRY CHRISTMAS CUNTERS!

      • The lazy cunts want all the freebies, benefits, a house, never have to work, pop out the sprogs sponge off the state and be looked after for all of their lives.

        No-one will ever question them as it would be racist, no-one will make them work because it is racist.

        Cringing fawning public sector workers love them as it increases departments budgets and ensures a never ending supply of clients to keep them in jobs.

        If you were white and christian on the other hand and paid in for 30 years, well there is nothing for you in your time of need. Because you are racist.

      • Not surrendered yet bob. Just waiting til I can return and fight for my once great country like my father did with Monty. I have a great uncle buried in the Somme and an uncle who was rear guard at Dunkirk. Even at my age, I think I could be a corporal Jones figure, those fuzzy wuzzies don’t like it up ’em.

      • Good to hear that, with pirate within your name I had figured you would be coming out fighting too.

        There’s a shortage of fighting tools in Britain, but hopefully some other country will arm the rebels as Britain has done with many other countries?

  17. ‘WHY WE HATE YOU AND WANT TO FIGHT YOU’

    This ISIS article, which appeared in the 15th edition of their periodical DABIQ, spells out why the jihads are hell bent on destroying the West. It begins:

    “Shortly following the blessed attack on a sodomite, Crusader nightclub by the mujahid Omar Mateen, American politicians were quick to jump into the spotlight and denounce the shooting, declaring it a hate crime, an act of terrorism, and an act of senseless violence.
    “A hate crime? Yes. Muslims undoubtedly hate liberalist sodomites, as does anyone else with any shred of their fitrah (inborn human nature) still intact.
    “An act of terrorism? Most definitely. Muslims have been commanded to terrorize the disbelieving enemies of Allah.”

    The writer then goes on to list the top six reasons why the killers want to destroy the West – although there appears to be two points made several times.

    1. BECAUSE YOU ARE DISBELIEVERS
    “We hate you, first and foremost, because you are disbelievers; you reject the oneness of Allah – whether you realize it or not – by making partners for Him in worship, you blaspheme against Him, claiming that He has a son, you fabricate lies against His prophets and messengers, and you indulge in all manner of devilish practices.”
    2 . BECAUSE YOU ARE LIBERAL
    “We hate you because your secular, liberal societies permit the very things that Allah has prohibited while banning many of the things He has permitted, a matter that doesn’t concern you because your Christian disbelief and paganism separate religion and state, thereby granting supreme authority to your whims and desires via the legislators you vote into power.”
    3. BECAUSE SOME OF YOU ARE ATHEIST
    “In the case of the atheist fringe, we hate you and wage war against you because you disbelieve in the existence of your Lord and Creator.”
    4. FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST ISLAM
    “We hate you for your crimes against Islam and wage war against you to punish you for your transgressions against our religion.”
    5. FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST MUSLIMS
    “We hate you for your crimes against the Muslims; your drones and fighter jets bomb, kill, and maim our people around the world, and your puppets in the usurped lands of the Muslims oppress, torture, and wage war against anyone who calls to the truth.”
    6. FOR INVADING OUR LANDS
    “We hate you for invading our lands and fight you to repel you and drive you out. As long as there is an inch of territory left for us to reclaim, jihad will continue to be a personal obligation on every single Muslim.
    “What’s important to understand here is that although some might argue that your foreign policies are the extent of what drives our hatred, this particular reason for hating you is secondary, hence the reason we addressed it at the end of the above list. The fact is, even if you were to stop bombing us, imprisoning us, torturing us, vilifying us, and usurping our lands, we would continue to hate you because our primary reason for hating you will not cease to exist until you embrace Islam.”

    Courtesy of Shitcake Baker

    • “In the case of the atheist fringe, we hate you and wage war against you because you disbelieve in the existence of your Lord and Creator.”

      So, we can’t fucking win either way then? If you believe then you are an infidel and deserve to die, if you don’t believe than you need to die because you don’t believe in your god and creator.

      Sounds a bit ‘Life of Brian’ to me.

      Islam is a fucking mental illness.

    • Imagine if Britain First or someone wrote a response back in a similar fashion?

      The man & woman leading it would get the fucking electric chair six times over, but we are expected to take such piss on the chin?

  18. Can’t knock Santa. Always good to me when I was a kid.
    I’ve had a place out here for a good few years now but if things go tits up I will be moving east, maybe Poland or Hungary as they keep the muslime herds at bay. White and proud.

    • Mrs Fistula is Polish . We have a small flat in the south and their is not a single peaceful in sight. I spent 3 weeks travelling there last year and I didn’t see one of the cunts. They simply won’t allow the scum in and what’s more there’s not a benefit system at least not for these cunts. Which makes it a less attractive place to live if your a parasite. I am now seriously thinking of moving there.

  19. Archbishop Welby must have been on the blower to the pope, so they can coordinate their Christmas lectures. Blah blah refugees, usual bollocks. Also, a thinly veiled pop at Trump, with the quote, “populist leaders that deceive their peoples”. He should know, religion has been doing that for two thousand years. Irrelevant pillock. Stick to fleecing your congregation for the funds to fix the forever needing fixing roof.

    • Welby is typical of these soft as shit wankers who think if you are nice to cunts they will be nice back. Try that over Millwall you bellend and see where it gets you.
      The irony is that his head will be the first one adorning a spike on Londonistan Bridge the prick.

  20. I don’t do Christmas because I’m traumatised by it. It’s a hard hitting story, but in 1967 I really really wanted a Johnny 7 and no cunt gave me one.

    • 1967 CNR I had an action man ,the Valiant annual and my brother gave me his Man from Uncle and American civil war gum cards🎅🏿👍

  21. The new year hasn’t even started yet an I’ve already threatened the wife with divorce on xmas eve! Well that went down like a sack of shite! Fucking great! Happy new year cunters. Can thing’s really get any better??

    • Sign up to mumsnet immediately and seek advice for redemption and insight to workings of the female way of thinking.

      You will find it’s like negotiating with ISIS but at least you jeep your head.

      Women are all snakes with tits who really know how to push a mans buttons at the most inappropriate of times. I’ve told her a few times over the last year to shape up or ship out. Calms her down for around a month, two following a big bust up.

      Keeping calm is the key.

      • Fucking women, they all use stealth and cunningness to get their way. If it wasn’t for pussy I wouldn’t have any need for them.

      • Reminds me of a Bill Hicks piece when live on stage. Talking about missing vertebrae and how close man is to being able to self fellating. Told the women in the audience that if man could already do this they would be sitting alone, watching an empty stage.

      • Women think they’re in control? Women are like horses……..They should be admired from afar, but never ridden! There would have been a time in the past where women could have held me to ransom, but not now. I’ve got them sussed, and they can literally go fuck themselves!

        Sex is ok, but you can’t beat the real thing?……wanking!

  22. Well Merry Xmas cunters!

    I’d just like to say that cunts who fill Xmas presents with glitter and Xmas related confetti deserve a very special place in hell!

    I am inundated with the stuff and will no doubt by fishing out the odd particulate of glitter from the crack of my arse for weeks to come.

    Pressie opening was confined to the sitting room and yet I’m finding the fucking stuff on the seat of the throne which is upstairs and through two different doors!?!

    Never mind blue ink to blow up on money raiders just fill the cunt with glitter they’ll never be rid of that fucking stuff!

    The 6’er of Robinson’s Old Tom however is gradually making me feel more festive. I’m two down. Only 330ml bottles but at 8.5% Abv it’ll get you there!

    So here’s to you cunters: “Gawd bless ass worn ahhhnd orllll!”

  23. My old Dad, bless him. Every Christmas he would by some dates, satsumas and lemons, walnuts and brazil’s, lay them out on the sideboard, then in the new year when none of it has been eaten, he would chuck the lot. Then next Christmas he’d do it all again. Every fucking year. We could have run a food bank.

    • Bit a fan if dates but love Walnuts, Brazil’s & Hazelnuts. Pretty pricey as far as nuts go though so off the menu just now.

      Got a load of monkey nuts cheap after Halloween that have lasted well, not the same quality but good for protein, a string of B vitamins, vitamin E and magnesium to name a few.

      Sad to hear good staples going to waste. That’s what needs bumped out to the children of today as part of nutritional food packs instead of benefit payments that get used for heroin and kids go without.

  24. But they were the blackcurrant ones and my favourites!

    So blackcurrant is racist now is it? Well – strawberry and lime – it’s only a matter of time before your number is up!

  25. Apologise if this has already been cunted but…..

    Why the fuck is it you go into any supermarket on Christmas Eve and the place looks like it’s been looted post a good old South Carolina shooting?

    Bastard places are closed for 2 days a year and even when they are closed you only need to nip down to the local piecefully run petrol station to pick up that pint of milk you forgot.

    Ffs.

    • Yeah I know what you mean. I did my shop 1st thing Saturday morning. Got there for them opening and the tills already looked like a queuing scene from 1980’s Moscow.

      The main shops shut here at 4pm on Sunday. The Co-op 10pm.

      The Co-op opens at 7am tomorrow and most of the El Classico Super Mecado’s open at 8am.

      So less than 36hrs and yet there was cunt after cunt with trollies loaded up like the Exxon Valdes as if a nuclear winter was due.

      I’ve been that cunt in the past but have realised (in the last 15yrs) that buying enough for just those 2 days is enough because post boxing day most of it gets chucked.

      So now I pay for only what I need food wise…and max out on booze instead! 😊

      • Fuck me i’ve done the supermarket Xmas eve run a couple of times but never again.
        People ( well women to tell the truth ) go fucking mental stripping the shelves bare of any shit they can lay their hands on.
        I once saw this Doris with a trolley piled high with those 4 litre bottles of milk. What was she going to do……taking a fucking bath in the stuff?
        Fuck knows what would happen if there was a real shortage of food in this country……blood on the streets if you ask me.
        I don’t know what Captain Mainwaring and his raffle for an orange would make of this shit.

      • If a major disaster knocked out the power in a major UK city I reckon 3 hours before the whole city goes post apocolyptic, especially in winter when its dark early.

        Given that most cunts moan like fuck if their internet speed is 0.001 of a second slower than normal how the fuck would they cope it its dark and cold, debit cards don’t work anymore and no food at the local takeaway. God forbid no cuntbook to distract them either, spaz attacks all round.

        It would be mayhem before you know it.

  26. Thats fair comment, I think at times we’ve probably all succumbed to the hysteria, especially in our younger days.

    But why is it then that so many cunts don’t learn, I mean I was surrounded with cunts much older than me with trolleys stacked like Armageddon was nigh.

    Perhaps these are the same cunts that queue up for Black Friday sales or believe the ABBC when they say ‘tomorrow will be frantic friday’ so unless you absolutely have to travel stay at home.

    Cunts.

    Btw thanks for the Moscow 1980 ref I’ve really pissed myself at that as I’d sort of forgotten it. Queues and queues of women that all looked like Ena Sharples from Corrie waiting an eternity to get to the Bakers to find………….Breshnev had eaten everything. Sorry love we’re all equal here, see ya next week

  27. There is nothing more vicious than a queue orf pensioners who have heard a rumour that there’s a bread shortage. For sheer terror in the isles though you have to go back to Lidl in the days when the first affordable (but shit) flat screen tellys went orn sale. Now I’ve done me bit in some hell holes but it took a braver cunt than me to go in and fight for one. In those days the kraut bastards would only get a few in to enjoy the sight orf old ex Alamein cunts fighting to the death.

    • I had a 36″ Samsung flat-screen in the mid-90’s. This – alas – was a cathode tube TV as Plasma’s were in their infancy (and fuck off expensive) and LCD and LEDs were only any good in watches.

      So while the screen was flat the back of the cunt was like the Hindenburg! The back of the telly in the corner of the room, front of the telly in the middle of it!

      Still it kept the house warmer than the central heating I suppose…

    • I had a cracking big silver JVC Dolby pro logic surround sound TV that was fabulous for the music channels on Sly™.

      She moaned for two years for a flat screen and I eventually gave in, buying a quality Toshiba model.

      Biggest regret I’ve had was dumping that TV too soon (apart from picking lottery numbers) I would have it back tomorrow and bin the flat screen.

      Sound is utter crap / tinny as hell from these flat panel things.

    • Fucking wankers. These cunts really annoy me. Your giving free stuff to people who want to kill you. Thick wankers.

    • They should do a reality TV show along the lines of that shite “Come Dine With Me” calling it “Come Virtue-Signal With Me”.

      You have 4 right-on, family snowflakes trying to be the most cringe-worthy cunts in making themselves look good to their equally cuntish peers.

      The winner gets to fetch a 45yr old “child” home with them.

      The follow up series “Who raped my daughter?” and “Who cut off my head?” are also in the pipeline. This is where the remainder of the virtue-signalling family refuse to believe that the rapugee had anything to with it, instead blaming the wheelchair bound octagenarian next door.

      • To me that’s one of the funniest posts I’ve read.

        I’m fucking pissing myself….

        Who cut my head off. Fucking hilarious 😂😂😂😂

        It was the Octagenarian that did it. Fucking brilliant👍

Comments are closed.